<p>Perhaps, but most of the IMPORTANT stuff could be sent in the form an email that contains ALL </p>
<p>the forms to mitigate the impact of FERPA
the forms the student needs to share the grades with parents
the list of ALL phone numbers that will actually be answered by a paid staff member</p>
<p>I probably forget a few things, but they all belong in the same category, namely … because you pay the bills, we tell you how to reach us and this is the way you can get your kid to sign off! </p>
<p>Obviously, I do not buy that non-sense of parental “full” delegation of authority and involvement. Nor do I buy that something magical happens in the summer between high school and college that should make training wheels a thing of the past. </p>
<p>It depends on the kid, to some extent! I think my 16-year-old daughter will need very little assistance. She studied abroad last semester and did great. She is already more independent than her 19-year-old brother.</p>
<p>Both my DSs schools send invoices to their online accounts, but I, as parent, also get a notice that an invoice was sent, complete with my own link to log on and pay online. No school sends paper invoices.</p>
<p>Yes, my DSs had to sign me up as an authorized accessor to their accounts. However, since then, the DSs do not even look at their payment accounts. I am the one who takes care of all that. I even found an error once, and I called the Bursar and fixed it myself, without my son ever knowing.</p>
<p>I can sign on and see my DSs grades as well, but I never do, I would wait until they tell me. Anyway, the eldest knew his grades pretty much to the number before they came out and would tell us before the semester is over what his grades will be. As for the younger one who starts as a freshman in a couple days, he is the silent one and thus I do not expect to hear a running story from him about grades. I can them see if I want, but won’t. I will wait for him.</p>
<p>Perhaps, but why are they becoming large? And better stated, should they? Are they becoming larger because more and more parents WANT to be involved and do not mind attending a “class” or “program” that will actually reinforce the notion that they should not get THAT involved? </p>
<p>At the risk of being cynical, that does not make much sense, but totally expected from colleges. And perhaps why some believed that the Syracuse program was needed. Typical academia! </p>
<p>The bills come to both my kids and me (as an authorized party). I give my kids my account information and they sign in, pay and confirm payment receipt. I kind of want them to see the “pressing the button” on an expenditure of that magnitude, so they can appreciate it (which I know they do). </p>
<p>^^ I guess that might be a lesson. Since my kids already know the cost, I see no impact on them to press the button. I am more concerned that they remember not to spend $100 on a first date. </p>
<p>^^ In my book, it is only poor form if you are getting in the way and being an impediment to your kid’s functioning. If you are helping, and the kid likes your help, who is anyone to judge? That’s between you and your child.</p>
<p>It’'s a balancing act no doubt raising a kid though middle and high school into adulthood. However, I never, ever thought for one iota of a second that the “college” was responsible for my kid beyond providing a safe housing situation (fire detectors, relatively free of dereliction) freshman year. I always told my kids it was all on them and as long as they were succeeding I’d continue to pay the bills. So far I’m 2 for 2 in 4-year graduation rates and 2 for 2 in kids finding a job and not coming home. I’ve never e-mailed a professor or anybody except the cashier/bursar at any point in the last 8 years. I never stepped foot in the high school after sophomore year either for 1 and 2 and only once a year for the IEP meeting with #3 but the school knew how to find me if they needed my husband or I for something.</p>
<p>I absolutely don’t think that I’m a slacker mom. My boys call me if they need me. I think they ‘see’ my husband and I as a safety net, but so far no one has really needed the safety net…they just know it’s there. They call me if they want to just chat. We don’t have a routine, but it works out, they know when to “catch me” far more than I could possibly guess when I could catch them. I have more emotionally mature kids than many because they have grown to mature slowly over time…like a sapling tree learning how to withstand the elements to build a strong tree trunk. Conversely, part of parenting is learning, slowly, to get over your own fears or at a minimum learn to tamp them down so the kids don’t grow into stunted saplings. I’m a total control freak so this “need” was a revelation to me going through it with the first kiddo. The growth is not one-sided. Was it easy? Heck no. All my kids faced adverse situations at one time or another, most of their own making. In fact, I often say that ages 15-19 were far, far more stressful and difficult than ages 1-5 or 5-10 or even 10 to 15. But yes, I agree that some parents are now facing the results of their helicoptering and myopic nurturing and their saplings aren’t quite ready to withstand strong winds. The good news is most will get their growth eventually.</p>
<p>These conversations on CC sometimes devolve into a back-and-forth on how often we parents talk with our adult children and what that frequency says about our parenting. (You know how it goes: if you talk “too frequently,” that indicates that your child is immature and not self-sufficient; if you talk “too rarely,” that indicates that your parent-child relationship is cold and somehow lacking.)</p>
<p>My D and I talk/text every day, but I don’t think she’s immature; I just think she likes to bounce ideas off me, and we have a pretty great relationship. I joke that I have helicopter tendencies, but even in the depths of my helicopter-ness I never even considered contacting profs or RAs. It’s good to know that I’m not as far gone as I feared…</p>
<p>As long as my financial information is required on the FAFSA and profile, my college students will get only as much I dependence as I deem appropriate. I have never had to exercise any sort of control through two successful college educations, but I suspect that I will have to reiterate expectations and consequences frequently the third time. I hear from my girls every day. It might be something important or it might be a text message saying “look, I’m petting a beagle and you’re not” or today my master’s degree-holding, happily employed d sent me a picture of the new decor on her desk. I love the day to day interactions and wouldn’t trade them.</p>
Yes, yes, yes! And to be honest, I feel the conclusions are poppycock!</p>
<p>Parents are different. Children are different. Parent styles are different. Family dynamics are different. Family cultures are different. In the end, with the multitude of varying combinations, there can still be a healthy relationship parent and child. </p>
<p>“Just cause it’s different, don’t mean it don’t work.”</p>
<p>“I think perhaps the biggest sign of true helicoptering is not how much you talk to your kid, but how much you talk to other people to address your kid’s problems (such as professors, RAs, the dean, etc.).”</p>
<p>We all want our kids to be successful adults (which has different definitions for different people). Most of the time this means “letting go” and letting your students handle their own lives and problems, and sometimes it means stepping in. By stepping in I think its more in the “advising” capacity than the actual handling of the problem. I don’t think the amount of time a student talks to a parent makes that much difference. My sons only call home once a week, and maybe answer an email I send between then but does that really make them more independent than someone who texts or calls home everyday to share their lives, not really. </p>
<p>On the other hand my sister has two adult daughters that contact them 3 or 4 times a day, accept money for living expenses (both have jobs - one is 30 and married, the other is 27), expects free childcare (3 times a week and some weekends), and expects to be “treated” every time they are together at an event. My sister, although tired, seems happy to do this. Is this the result of being a helicopter mom, just their family dynamic, or just the sign of the times?</p>
<p>I think it’s good that we did raise the “how often do you text etc.” issue, since most people on this thread are parents, and our experiences as college students were so different. Even if some/most of us have decided that a lot of e-communication does not make us helicopter parents, it was good to get that out in the open.</p>
<p>I think it’s fair to have access to your kids grades if you pay the bills.
But if as a parent, you don’t like the grades you see, the only person you should contact about it is your kid, to find out what’s going on and offer support, encouragement, etc.</p>
<p>There may be times when you do have to be your kid’s advocate, but that would be in the case of legal or financial disputes.</p>
<h1>11 - yes I remember letters. I also remember getting money in the mail from my mom. A $20 bill made me feel rich!! Unfortunately, my D will never experience that feeling. When she needs money, I can just access her account and transfer it. Not the same feel good moment at all. But, that is the modern way to do things. Have to go with the times.</h1>
I don’t see how this points to helicoptering. There’s a myriad of reasons as to why she takes care of her grandchildren or why she still provides for her children. </p>
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