<p>My son is the kind of kid I was sure would turn around and come home. He had enuresis until he was 13, in other words, occasional peeing accidents and had never been able to deal with summer camps, was a home body if there ever was one, and occasionally crawled into our bed even as a teenager. He was misdiagnosed with ADD until in his junior year when he had a sinus operation to correct a deviated septum that was actually apparently lowering his oxygen. My husband and I were so unsure: was he ready for college? Would he last? Would he cope? Now, he is at Bard College, after a super competitive New York City high school where I think he was labeled as lazy, and where 35 of the 100 kids in his grade ended up in the ivys.</p>
<p>He is ecstatic! While communication has been a little less than hoped for - which is a good sign, I have received text messages (this is their fourth week since they had a three week language and thinking course for freshman orientation) that say, “I am having the time of my life,” “Every day gets better and better,” “I am thinking of coming home this weekend, but quite honestly, weekends here are much more fun!” He doesn’t really hang with his roomate who he regards as rather strange, but he has already five or six buds that he hangs with, has travelled to many of the neighboring towns (he doesn’t have a car, but his friends do), and so far likes his classes. </p>
<p>I think one of the secrets is that he was desperately unhappy and felt bad about himself at his HS, and here - in a school that is made for iconoclasts - he is perhaps happy for the first time in years. I also think he is an only child as I was, and I remember going to college as “oh my god, there are people all the time, friendship is easy, group living is the best thing that ever happened to me.” I couldn’t understand those people who wanted their own apartments; I was in ecstary in the student coops I lived in at Berkeley, with community work shifts. And I think something similar must be happening to my son. All I can say is that my husband and I are overjoyed that this has happened,and as I said, given my son’s history it is totally unexpected. Every day we say, “Isn’t this wonderful!”</p>
<p>morvoren-That is great. Some kids just seem to blossom when they go to college, maybe just maturity, being in a good environment or getting away from the high school “junk”. </p>
<p>D is having a great time so far, hasn’t started classes yet, but busy with activities and making friends. She didn’t have the easiest adjustment to starting high school and so she’s making a huge effort now. And I think she has gotten lucky (so far) with being in an environment that really “fits”.</p>
<p>To all who are struggling, I know it’s hard (see above) and it must be worse when you’re not right there with your S or D. But hang in there. I have you all in my thoughts and hopefully things will work out.</p>
<p>I am so glad I started this thread! I have felt at a loss since my D left (she is adjusting better than I apparently) and talking to other parents about our kids is helping! We have all spent so much time and effort getting them to College, that to just stop thinking about it cold turkey is proving impossible!</p>
<p>Just wondering, with all of the “conventional wisdom” about limiting contact with your freshman, how many parents actually have imposed limits on their children? Meaning that the kid initiates contact and the parent says no, that’s too much. I think it is one thing to tell parents to leave their kids alone–that if the kid does not contact you, assume things are okay and only initiate contact on a limited basis, say once a week. And maybe it works if the kid is mildly homesick and calls a lot but seems to be making an adjustment otherwise. But for a kid who is desperately unhappy, wanting to leave, not making a good adjustment at all, does the same advice necessarily hold true?</p>
<p>Daughter had her first breakdown at home before the flight right after her friends including her boyfriend left our place. I tried to calm her but cried myself. Fortunately another girl from her HS was flying with us to the same college, so they were chatting/sleeping/focused on each other all way long. On move-in day she had repeated breakdowns; it was like we were moving her into a prison not a dorm, even though she really liked her roommate (they sent each other endless txt messages a day before during our shopping). At one moment she even told us with tears that we didn’t care about her at al, where she’d be living and how she’d be doing. She couldn’t find anything she liked there anymore, even it was her choice, and we visited the college twice, and she liked everything during the visits. It was very heartbreaking. Somehow we managed to put her in more or less positive mood and sent her to a dorm room.
First week was very stressful; she called us everyday, was very depressed and even cried once saying that she would never get used to be there, so far from us and her friends… She couldn’t tell us what exactly she didn’t like; just “I don’t like to be so far from everybody”. Yes, it’s far – we are in CA and she is in Midwest.
Her classes started on Week 2 and her mood changed in a day. She sent me messages after each first class and she was very excited about all of them, especially Calc 3, where she was “an only girl and an only freshmen” and the class was a joke in comparison with her HS. At the end of the week I only could catch her on the internet after midnight. She had an awesome weekend hanging out with her new friends, going to movie theater, sushi bar , attending a party at Dean’s place and playing some intellectual games in the dorm on Saturday night(!). Seems like the transition period is over for her and us ….</p>
<p>It’s really interesting how classes (for the kids) and work (for the adults) seem to get people back on track, and forget their loneliness, problems, etc.</p>
<p>As Winston Churchill said (or was it George Burns?), “there’s no substitute for hard work.”</p>
<p>This thread really helps me get thru the transition. I appreciate every happy story and every sad story because I don’t feel alone in my worries. DS seems to be adjusting well now but the first few days were rough. Thank you all for sharing your experiences!</p>
<p>The beginning is truly rough on some kids, even if they don’t seem homesick, just outright overwhelmed with the task ahead of them and it can be hard for them.</p>
<p>I remember not hearing much from my DD in the beginning and getting hurt she didn’t phone much. Then when she hit some snafus with various things during the first semester, I HATED seeing her # come up on the caller ID. I couldn’t fix it. Just give her advice. Roommates friends going thru her things, some of them acting like middle school girls and D so desperately wanting to respond in kind. Had to be firm with her and tell her that her response to what they did could make or break her whole first year be very judicious in how she dealt with it. Especially with finals on the horizon, it could have been a total disaster grade wise.</p>
<p>In retrospect, no news was good news for us.</p>
<p>Tori_mom - thanks so much for sharing - my daughter is a basket case! She’s the last one to leave (it’s still over a week away!) and every night is the same thing - I don’t want to go, I’m not good enough, I should change my major, etc. etc. She’s even obsessed with the freshman 15. I did remind her that none of her friends gained any weight and some even lost some pounds.</p>
<p>I keep talking her down and I know it’s just nerves but I don’t know if I’m going to make it. And then of course I have no way of knowing what will happen once she’s actually at school - it could be worse or better. Whatever it is I know I’ll probably hear mostly bad things.</p>
<p>amtc, In college D. attends it’s freshmen 25 not even 15 as they were told us during a campus visit. And because she is really afraid of that she goes to fitness 3-4 times a week and eats yogurt in the morning, so it’s really good to get such warnings Also 14 meals a week seems too mush for her, she is switching them to 10.
Tell your D. that it will be the best time of her life, and everybody will be in the same situation, like a new start of a new life. And it’s not a prison or army, she can visit you, and if she absolutely wouldn’t like the place, she always can transfer to some other college after a WHILE, but she needs to manage a good GPA. I even agreed with my D. to arrange a first trip for her in October instead of Thanksgiving break (but on her expenses, she has a paid internship), when she was crying on the phone, but seems she forgot about that already…
Take it easy, our kids need to grow and be independent. We are doing the best for them.</p>
<p>Bringing this thread back up. I’ve been wondering how sk8rmom and the other mom whose DDs were having some troubles are doing…
My DD had been doing fine but it seems that she hit a bit of a bump today. First she didn’t realize that it was a holiday weekend last weekend. Hit her by surprise when the dorm starting clearing out. She was fine with being on her own and I sent her a book she had been dying to read.
Today is the start of dance classes at her old studio where she danced since age 4 and worked for two years. She called with a bit of a crack in her voice and told me she was bummed. I reminded her that all the girls she danced with also graduated and that it isn’t even her group anymore.<br>
Suggested that she join a group at the school even if it isn’t dance so she has that group feeling that she enjoyed. Good timing she one of her “homework” assignments is to attend two meetings for student groups for students in her major.
I think this past weekend the newness wore off a bit. It didn’t help that the dining hall options were very limited particularly for a vegetarian. Every time I talked to her she was walking to the campus grocery store because there was nowhere else to get food!</p>
<p>We were worried about DD2 since she was somewhat antisocial in HS. College is entirely different. She likes her three(!) roommates and says her RA “rocks”. She has also joined five clubs and is looking to start an archery club there when she gets a chance. Hard to believe it’s the same person.</p>
<p>Erin’s Dad, that’s great to hear…sounds like she’s really blossoming in her new environment!</p>
<p>Ebeee, I’m happy to report that my D did come home for the weekend and did return to school on Monday with no real complaints about the school itself. She brought every book home with her and did about 8 hours of reading/lab work but otherwise just talked, hung out with a few friends still home, and relaxed. I think it was good for her to see that, although her life changed radically in a week, home is still the same. </p>
<p>I ended up taking her back on Monday so she could take the winter comforter, skates, etc. as we decided she’ll take the train/bus home for Thanksgiving, Christmas and another 4-day weekend coming up. Helped her find an easy route to the rink and spent a few hours walking around campus with her, meeting roomie, neighbors, etc. I was happy to see she knew her way around campus pretty well already. I still can’t really figure out why her room is so depressing to her but she showed me her two favorite study spots so I guess her coping method is to spend most of her time out of the room and in the proximity of others. She’s decided not to work this semester but agreed to try some new activity/clubs and get involved in other ways. </p>
<p>At this point, she’s still just plain homesick. I don’t know what the cure is for this, other than time…</p>
<p>Yup I think time will help. As I posted my DD had her first bout of homesickness and it wasn’t over her home but her dance studio. She is really too far to come home for just a weekend but knows we are coming for parents weekend in Oct. and she will be here in Nov. for Thanksgiving.
I’m encouraging her to join a club too.</p>
<p>My son has been investigating activities (and joining some) including Ultimate Frisbee, Mock Trial, Debate, the Outdoors Club. He’s tired from classes as he hasn’t gotten the audio versions of his readings yet and too much reading fatigues him. That will happen on Saturday, I believe. The Dean who is his adviser gave great advice: take an easy first semester and learn how to manage college. So, he’ll make it through.</p>
<p>Two weeks and nothing but a few cryptic text messages from D2. I was complaining to a friend today about my lack of information and she cracked me up by telling me “you are a helicopter parent and your daughter has closed the airport”! I guess I’ll just keep stalking her on-line bank account to make sure that she’s alive.</p>
<p>^^Two years ago I stalked the on-line flex/bonus food point card. I figured as long as he was buying pop from the machine, he was alive! At least you were receiving cryptic messages!</p>
Also 14 meals a week seems too mush for her, she is switching them to 10.