@travelfamily How long has she been at college? She a young adult. If she hasn’t learned how to make friends, I’m not sure you could cliff note it. She probably does know how to make friends and already knows why joining clubs is important. Why don’t you ask her what her plan is for making friends the next time she says she doesn’t have any. She might naturally ask you for advice. It really sounds like she is not sure she wants to be an adult yet. It’s probably overwhelming. Maybe you can reassure her that you both have confidence in her and you’re always there to listen and she could work towards steadying herself. Making friends takes time and patience. Sometimes you have to take risks and make the first move.
I think I would talk more about the getting involved/joining clubs thing than the making friends thing. The first involves concrete steps and action items. Making friends can’t really be rushed or hurried as true friendships happen organically. However, by getting involved on campus, hopefully it will lead to making like-minded friends.
Here’s another suggestion, which does involve putting yourself out there, but how about after class, asking someone if they have time to grab a coffee? Or if class ends at lunch time, ask if they are heading to the dining hall. Or if you are leaving the library and see someone from your dorm, ask if they are walking back to the dorm. I know, it is easier said then done, but these interactions can lead somewhere and they are somewhat normal to do early on in the semester, before everyone has their routines set.
But OP - seems like your D did make some good progress this weekend!
Thank you everybody. I am going to write up a gently worded email to try to encourage her. And I do know that she knows all this stuff, it’s just sometimes hard to remember it or do it when it’s you who are in the middle of it all, feeling intense emotions. ugh…
I wish kids everywhere, and adults too, understood that everyone is hoping for such an invitation.
It sounds like I’m going through the same thing with my daughter. She gets along great with her roommate, but her roommate lives 3 hours away from school and goes home every weekend since school began. Yes…every weekend. My daughter has signed up for clubs, but they haven’t met yet, she’s been stood up by a group of girls in her dorm at least once that I know of, and others that she has connected with in class are all rushing for sororities now, but alas…no social set beyond her roommate (who also has a boyfriend on campus that she brought with her to campus who is also a freshman). I know that it takes time and I know my daughter, while not terribly outgoing, had a group of friends in HS and has made some effort to connect with others over the first 4 weeks albeit unsuccessful. Of course, my D now wants to transfer (in January), wants us to fly her back home for a weekend before Thanksgiving. It’s a mess. I’m stressed as a result. Everything I’ve researched says don’t let them come home too soon under such circumstances. I’ve been trying to validate her feelings, but now she seems to be pushing for concrete action to change her circumstances soon. I’m open to any advice. Thanks in advance.
@4Gulls This was very helpful. Thank you for your post.
@Ran the Dad, Do you think you could get her to find some volunteer opportunities? I find that volunteering is such a great way to meet good hearted people and build a community.
My daughter is still having issues. Things have calmed down, though, as far as the “end of the world” texts. She has joined some clubs and sports clubs. She has a few groups of people that she’s hanging out with, but none are “forever friends”. She will rush in the spring. She started seeing a private therapist (her first one ever) who specializes in transitioning from high school to college and she LOVED the first session. Tulane has a fall break (a 4 day weekend in mid-October), and she’s coming home for that. As her parents, we didn’t want her to come home as we were scared that the small steps forward could be wiped away. However, she bought a ticket with her own money and all her friends and her roommate are going to their respective homes, so I don’t feel so bad about it any more. And honestly, even though the dreary texts are now a trickle instead of a tsunami, I’ve somewhat grown “numb” to them. She’s okay and struggling, but doing well in school and doing the things that it takes to succeed and be happy.
One thing that helped my sophomore who is in year 2 of difficulty transitioning was talking to her academic advisor. Academic advisor has been very supportive, telling her she is not alone and giving her lots of helpful tips of where to turn to make friends and get more involved.
Just want to add that I don’t think kids who go home for the weekend are “stunting” their growth toward adulthood. In fact many students I know live at home and commute to college and they all seem quite mature.
I read once that 1/3 of college students are ready academically, 1/3 ready socially/emotionally, and1/3 not ready! For some this transition is a slope, not a cliff.
It would seem that the original poster’s daughter is doing well, and has a therapist- great step for the transition. Good for her.
I had two finish, but one came home after her first year, did community college, worked, then entered an adult learner/continuing ed program that she is halfway through. She is also a performer. She has lived independently for two years. Things worked out much better for her after she left college-just not a good fit. She called me two weeks into her sophomore year and said she wanted to leave, and I trusted her.
Our kids all have different personalities, strengths and weaknesses, and talents. If someone has a child who is really miserable in ways that seem persistent over a longish period of time, I don’t see anything wrong with the son or daughter leaving, to transfer, or live at home, or whatever works. Life is flexible and it tends to zig and zag for some, which is okay.
@TheParentLurker I think it’s fine she’s coming home for a quick visit. I drove out to see one of my college juniors today because she was having a bad week and needed a hug (housemate issues.) I took her for coffee and donuts then just let her talk. When it was time for her to go to work I gave her a hug, told her I loved her, and told her I had every confidence that this would work out.
It sounds like your DD is making a good effort so make some of her favorite foods while she’s home. Remind her you have faith in her, are proud of her effort and love her. Try not to lecture or offer advice while she’s home. Just love on her.
She definitely needs to stay the year. It really may improve. But she should also explore the transfer option and be cognizant of the deadlines. You can even hep her with identifying possible transfer schools and deadlines but the applying is all on her. It’s good she’s sharing her feelings with you. Some (especially guys) don’t but are feeling the same way. Interestingly, I found with both my S and D (now seniors) they didn’t really develop their “friend group” until sophomore year. There is also such a thing as the “wrong” friends - my D had one freshman year who was toxic. Hang in there - encourage her to explore options (transfer, study abroad sophomore year) but also to give it a chance. When she’s registering for spring classes, encourage her to pick one class that’s fun (and possibly more social). There have got to be clubs like the Outdoor Club that go on outings where you’re forced to interact with others. She’ll be home Thanksgiving I presume so you can talk more then. Who knows, she might even be happy by then! I’ve been there and it’s not fun. keep us posted.
@Ran the Dad, I posted earlier that my daughter was having a similar problem. She’s been there about 7 weeks and is still struggling, but it is SLOWLY getting a little better. Her roommate has her own friends and doesn’t include her, so that’s out. First, she started seeing a counselor on campus. She has a standing appointment once a week and has been there twice. She says she thinks it is helpful. She also joined multiple clubs- Habitat for Humanity who has gone on one build. Humane Society who cleaned up a dog park once. A tap dance class that meets once a week. Started horseback riding lessons once a week (but she doesn’t want to do the team because she thinks it will be too time consuming), and a club for kids who don’t drink/party. She enjoyed that meeting but because of circumstances it has only met once and won’t meet again for another 3 weeks.
Also her boyfriend is out of touch at boot camp so that depresses her.
We got a little tough with her last week about just asking someone to do something over the weekend. She named one girl she would feel comfortable with so we really encouraged her to contact her because we knew she had no plans over the weekend. Lo and behold that girl actually contacted her first to go to a hockey game. They went and she said they had a lot in common and would hang out again. But the girl plays 2 sports so is busy, but it’s still an option sometimes.
The fact that there is a huge party culture and she won’t partake makes us proud but it also leaves her out of most activities it seems. She won’t even go to the party and not drink.
My mother in law and sister in law went for a weekend to visit her and I think that was a little helpful. We go up next weekend for parents weekend and then the following weekend she comes home for their fall break. So she will have a little break. It could either help her through or make her feel worse. I don’t know. I’m bracing for her telling us that she wants to transfer, but she hasn’t mentioned it yet. I’m not sure if I should mention it if she doesn’t.
But, she is living what seems to be a pretty solitary life there so far. We got the crying phone calls the first few weeks and she still calls 2x a day because she says she needs someone who she can have a real conversation with. And they are usually pretty mopey phone calls. So, I don’t know if any of this is helpful at all, but you aren’t alone. If it comes up I will encourage her to spend at least the full year there. The conundrum is that if she does decide to transfer she would need to apply this spring somewhere or have to take a semester off. She has told us dorm living is not for her - too loud and crazy, but there are other options after freshman year. Good luck to us all!
@travelfamily Kudos to your daughter for taking the right steps and getting engaged and out there.It’ll take time but she’ll meet her people.
@Travelfamily- I may be in the minority but I think talking on the phone twice a day is unhelpful.
Let your D know that you always want to hear from her in an emergency. Always. But otherwise, set aside twice a week for catch up calls.
The kids at college talking to Mommy twice a day are the kids walking across campus glued to their phones NOT waving at classmates or making eye contact with someone they sat next to at lunch or not seeing the signs or chalking on the sidewalk for fun activities. Twice a day is a whole lot of misery imho.
Ha- maybe I spoke too soon. Just got a crying phone call that she thinks she may have made the wrong decision.
@travelfamily - I’m sorry you are going through this. I’m in a similar situation with my D and it has been very stressful, although she doesn’t call me (which is bad and good). Like your daughter sh does not want to be involved with the party scene and has had a hard time with dorm life. The negative and desperate texts are so difficult to get and leave me stressed and worried for the whole day. I think things are starting to improve, and she has done a number of things that I suggested. I’m hoping that she has turned the corner enough that she won’t be too upset about returning to school after fall break. Since she is 15 hours away, weekend visits are not possible but they do get a week fall break. I’m planning to talk to her when she is home to suggest that she really try to mentally commit to a year there and do what she can to make it work. If she needs or wants to transfer that is fine, but I really want her to experience working through something difficult before making the decision.
This would have been the case at any school, and I think it has a lot to do with her not feeling comfortable.
I know everyone suggests freshmen join clubs or eat with a group, but not every kid wants to be stimulated all the time. Some kids were involved in everything in hs, but many weren’t. Those who weren’t need to accept that they are the same person they were in high school, and not a go-go-go person. Enjoy the alone time. Walk around the campus. Read a book.
I also think the weekend home might be a good thing. She’ll realize the life at home isn’t perfect either. Her high school friends will be away at their colleges. Or working. Or with their boyfriends. Four days is long enough to get bored.
Thank you @elena13 and @twoinanddone. I truly appreciate the kind and supportive words. It has just been gut wrenching. When she comes home on her Fall break she has talked about trying to get together with some high school friends who go to college in our town. We have a wonderful all girls college in our town that she applied to and was accepted with the town scholarship, but declined because she wanted to try living away. This school is literally 5 minutes from our house. I think what she really wants to do is scope things out and see how they like it in case she decides to transfer out of her current school. I’m guessing the dorms may be quieter and there might be more academic environment there. However I don’t even know if she could get back in a second time.
But I agree @elena13 that over Christmas break if she does think about transferring, I do want her to not give up on where she is and really commit to seeing if it can work, but maybe have some applications out there as a back up.
Last night she told us that the school work is really stressful to her (she has always been a perfectionist) and if she knew she was closer to home that that would make things feel better for her. Though I don’t know if she means living at home, going to school within a 1/2 hour or just be in a comfortable 2 hour distance where she could get home if she needs to.
Luckily this morning is her appointment with her counselor.
Thank you again and I hope things continue to improve for your daughter- too bad they weren’t at the same school to support each other!