<p>I would absolutely zip my mouth. I agree with the other posters, but want to add that there can be a positive aspect of their staying together for the time being (if it makes you feel better ;) </p>
<p>My son and his girlfriend started dating senior year and are still together after they both spent a year across the country from each other at differnt colleges. Although not exactly your situation, as I'm quite fond of the girl, it's similar in that they spend tons of time together when they are home, and even during the school year they managed to see each other some. I know they call or talk on the internet daily.<br>
Personally, I don't think this is a bad thing for either of them. It's not like they lock themselves in their rooms at school and don't socialize. They are both very social and have made many friends - my S has a lot of girl "friends" and always has. In some ways, having a girlfriend at a different college has enabled him to focus on his courses, his jobs, and his other activities without being distracted by a romantic interest. He also is able to remain very independent at school. Romances at college can sometimes create a situation where the couple is a bit isolated, as they spend so much time together. </p>
<p>I do want to dispel you of one notion that I had when my oldest left for college. Just because your daughter goes to bed at a reasonable hour in high school, she will NOT continue this in college, boyfriend or not. It just won't happen, I can guarantee it. (as will all kids reading this!) Bedtime is midnight, if you're lucky.
The relationship will evolve into whatever it will be. But mom's really need to stay out of it - just be there to comfort when it ends.</p>
<p>JHS--I was 18, and H was my first bf (late bloomer, what can I say?) And he was still in HS, so he started college with a home town gf. So it's not from HS sophomores on, but it's not really that much different.</p>
<p>The nightly calls may change at school to less than every night, if your daughter participates in the social things at school. Encourage her to go out with her friends and not feel obligated to be available every night for the phone call. That would be the extent of my butting in.</p>
<p>I think you should have a light, easy going conversation one time. You wouldn't want her to think that YOU think she should be loyal. That sticking with this guy through college is what you think is the right thing to do. You always owe it to anyone important in your life to share your thoughts on important life decisions. (I know, not everyone will agree with me) But I think zipping your mouth is what you do with strangers and casual friends. This is your daughter. This is a conversation you two should have. After you share your thoughts in a kind, understanding way, you've done your part. She may very well say "I wouldn't consider breaking up, I don't want to date other people" And that's fine. You just say "I understand, but if you find that your feelings begin to change after you're at school- that's OK. Changing your mind will not make you a bad person. I'm always available to talk if you want to" Then zip it. But you owe it to both of you to have the conversation and leave the door cracked open for more talking later.</p>
<p>You have all made me feel a heck of a lot better already! Thanks much!!!</p>
<p>Midwest, yes our situations are much the same. She will be going to a smaller school and is one of 30 freshman in the Honors program which at least initially is pretty demanding and involves many activities academic as well as social. </p>
<p>Great idea to plan alot to keep her busy that last week in August - most of her friends (other than BF) will also be starting school before her.</p>
<p>The phone calls - well, she can call after 9pm on free minutes and she is very aware and responsible about her phone minutes. In all, she is a parent's dream as a daughter - probably why I'm finding something like this annoying - there's not much else to pick on! But good point about driving roommate crazy with phone calls....</p>
<p>I will generally zip it...but will carefully mention the time management, socialization issues just so she feels "free" to hang on for now, and let go later if she so chooses. We can talk pretty frankly with each other, so I can be on my best behavior. </p>
<p>And yes, it is true - this is a boy who she has been with since age 15 - at a very young age. I too, met my husband just after graduating HS and we maintained a 1 1/2 hour distance all through college to get married 5 years later. But we did not have an "exclusive" relationship for a couple of years.</p>
<p>I agree with 1ofeach that talking about such things openly can be a good thing. Hearing what your D thinks of this situation is just "being there" for your kid. It is not the same as telling her what to do or what you think. Sometimes it is just raising questions to think about and hearing her thoughts on the topic. Like I said, my D did talk to me about this. I never told her what to do. We talked about the situation. She even discussed with me how to inform the boyfriend who was going to take it hard and she wasn't sure how to go about it. So, talking about something is not the same as telling your child what she SHOULD do. The decision is for the child to make. It doesn't mean it never should be talked about. It is part of taking an interest in their lives and hearing their thoughts about it, if they are willing to talk. I agree with others that a parent would not discourage the dating or the kid could purposely pull in the opposite direction. But talking about their life and what is coming up (leaving home, being apart from boyfriend, etc.) can be a fruitful discussion if the child is wearing to share his/her thoughts.</p>
<p>If the parent brings up the boyfriend, there is the significant danger that the child is going to take it as a critical gesture and become defensive. Why else would the parent be bringing this issue up? </p>
<p>So, certainly one can discuss the situation in a nonjudgmental manner if the child indicates a willingness to talk. That would be great. Otherwise, I wouldn't say anything.</p>
<p>Another vote for 'zipping it'. This is something for your D to work out, and she likely will! We all know some couples who have been together since high school, but they are truly the exception, rather than the rule, especially with today's kids. Most of these relationships which start in h/s are over by Christmas of freshman year if they're not at the same college, and often when they are. </p>
<p>As for the time management, if she doesn't have good time management skills by now, she probably never will. A two hour phone call every night may be something that they continue initially but probably not for long. And not many college kids I know worry about getting to bed by midnight! ;) </p>
<p>The thing to remember is that even if your D were going off to college with NO b/f in the picture, she could meet someone during the first week and you'd have the same kinds of concerns (minus the distance thing) so it's not really a good idea to spend too much time worrying about these things. Open communication is the most important thing to have with your kids, especially when they go off to college. As long as she feels comfortable talking to you about 'stuff', in general, she knows you'll be there for her if/when this relationship begins to falter.</p>
<p>Zip it in terms of your opinion and your judgement, but you could point out to her that now her parents can be a great resource. I learned that the point of my kids calling me to vent is also to have a good solid sounding board, some one they can trust to want the best for them, but who respects them and allows them to make their own choices, even when I disagree. My job now is to point out all the pros and cons I can think of so they can make an infomred decision; whether I agree or not, at least I know they have considered all possible consequences.</p>
<p>Then you can be there for a possible discussion about a break up, etc.</p>
<p>My D had a HS friend and she began dating him when she was a senior and he was away (1 hour) at university, so it was all phone calls with Sunday dates and big events. The plan was to break up when she left for university- 25 hours away from him. But that did not happen, they did not want to break up and already knew how to do the phone thing.</p>
<p>He is an awesome guy and is some one who will be truthful not polite, so he is a good sounding board for her. I feel like he really grounded her with her roots to who she had always been whilst she emplored who she wanted to become at university, yet she was not tied into 24/7 lovey-dovey stuff, she rushed a sorority, she went out and had fun and made new friends and new memories and yet had that special guy to connect with. Neither of them is jealous or worried about the other straying, so none of that drama goes on. D can go to a formal with a guy friend with no issues. </p>
<p>They are now almost 3 years strong and have no talk of marriage, but no reason to break up as they deeply care for each other and have learned the balance in their situation. Each visits the other's school about once a term and they see each other on holidays and contrive to make the summers work with lots of time together, even when it is complicated.</p>
<p>For my D, that string relationship is a very good thing, but it might not be for every one. It depends on the kids and how their relationship works.</p>
<p>How to deal with the bf-gf thing? Don't. Let your child deal with it. If you don't wish your child to have a relationship while starting out in college, don't faciliate visits, pay for extra trips home, or promote the relationship in any way. Be positive and caring, but don't help them have the relationship. Then, DO facilitate the types of activities that promote independence and bonding with the new college situation. For example: study abroad types of activities or ski trips with the sorority/fraternity, anything that takes away time from the old routine (ie bf or gf). You have nothing to gain by being perceived as the one who wants your child to break up with their bf/gf.</p>
<p>My H and I dated in high school. When he went to college we tried to hold it together. He came home almost every weekend to see me. We broke up at Christmas.
Three years and two serious boyfriends later, I happened to run into H at church on Christmas Eve. We were both home from college for Christmas and I had just recently broken up with a pretty long-time BF. We started talking and made a date for the next week and the dates just kept going. We got married 18 months later. Just celebrated our 25 anniv.</p>
<p>The point of my story is...if it's meant to be, you will have no say in it and if it's not you won't have to say a thing.</p>
<p>Anyway, here's another vote for zipping it. D and her best friend since sophomore year have been bf/gf for 7 months. Because they were such close friends to begin with, they're having a difficult time imagining being 8 hours apart. From nearly the beginning of their bf/gf status, they've both said that they will "break up" before college. They're finding that it won't be quite as easy as they "planned". Although their official facebook status is "single" (this year I realized how significant that relationship thing on facebook is in the high school world), and D has been halfway around the world for the last month, I don't think either of them feels much differently than they did during the school year.</p>
<p>I had a mass realization earlier this summer at D's orientation/registration program at her university. While daydreaming during one of the endless parent sessions (when annoying parents were asking questions that are readily available online), it occurred to me that-- bottom line, she's going to miss him more that she misses us. She's been preparing for moving on to this next step of adulthood a long time; making that move away from home is part of life. Emotionally, she's prepared for that, but the romantic feelings that she's dealing with are a whole different animal.</p>
<p>H and I started dating at the very end of our senior year--he had just moved to our state halfway into senior year (nope, he never forgave his parents for that--army brat...) Anyway, we went to different state universities about 2 hours apart. Although it was not an easy environment and had its share of highs and LOWS, we dated long-distance for 5 years, and have been (mostly!) happily married for 25 years. One advantage---I spent a lot more time studying than I probably would have, had he been at the same school as me! Freshman year, we probably saw each other once a month; By senior year (and his 5th year), we got together every weekend. </p>
<p>I keep reminding myself to keep my mouth closed in many situations now with D....it's time for her to make her own choices, although she knows I'll always be there with an opinion if she needs it.</p>
<p>ABASKET: You are not alone. I am in the same situation with my D and her BF of 2 years. They are both CONVINCED that their relationship will withstand the 2 hour distance. She won't have a car but he will since he is going to our local U as a commuter.</p>
<p>As much as I would love to have the "don't get tied down" talk with her, I don't dare. He gave her a ring for their 2yr anniversary and I kiddingly said, "that's not an engagement ring I hope"...and she was so upset that I would think that and that I should know that they know better!!</p>
<p>As hard as it is to stand in the sideline, I guess it's all part of letting them go. If it's any comfort, you and I can compare notes and know we are not alone :-)</p>
<p>Thanks Ginger - it DOES help to hear other people's experiences!!! We'll have to all report back around Thanksgiving and all share our updates!!!</p>