How to deal with my mother?

Parent Cafe
21

<p>You, yourself, need some help.This is an impossible situation with conflicts between your own needs and those of your mother than are not really resolvable.</p>

<p>What would people be saying if your mom had cancer? Schizophrenia is an illness, a disorder of the brain, which unfortunately affects behavior. I understand the way you care, and the guilt you anticipate. It is a family’s job to care about each other, and you do that. However, as a teenager, you are not really equipped to take care of your mother, and you need some resources for you, and she needs more resources for her, that do not involve you.</p>

<p>If you talk to someone at school, or a counselor, it is always possible that child protective services will get involved. That may or may not be a good thing, but your family certainly would lose control of its own fate.</p>

<p>Have you been able to talk to your mother’s caregiver, yourself? Can a family meeting be arranged? If your father doesn’t get it, and your mother is sick at a certain time, who do you have in your life to go to? Are there relatives?</p>

<p>It sounds to me as if your father needs to take on more responsibility. I understand that he is working, and perhaps gets free housing for the job. But they are paying rent or mortgage payments where you are living. Can that money go toward housing near his work for your mom and sibling(s) and maybe you? Do you all want to stay where you are for school and friends? Can your father get another job?</p>

<p>These are questions for social workers, not you. You have enough on your plate. Does anyone at school know about your situation? Do you have a guidance counselor? Have you ever talked to the school counselor or psychologist? Have you been suffering and protecting your mother from these intrusions?</p>

<p>I know that none of these possibilities are easy and that you probably want to protect your mother. But you need a relative, or a professional to look out for you, too. This kind of situation can affect your whole life: you adapt to it out of necessity while there, but the experience later affects so many aspects of your life.</p>

22

<p>THe problem here is that the OP is limited in what he can do. And he is also limited to what he CAN do. He cannot make his mother, father do anything. He can talk to them, suggest, report them to social services, but he cannot make THEM do anything. I agree that he needs to find adult who can advise him on what his alternatives are. Without being there, it is impossible to make the assessment, and I certainly am not qualified to do so anyways. Whether the mother has cancer, a heart condition, or a mental condition is irrelevant when the crux of the matter is whether she is dangerous to herself and/or others, particularly to the minors in her care. </p>

<p>Usually in such situation, things are bad, but not so terrible that anyone wants to make a break of it. If things had degenerated to what the OP felt was just insufferable, he would/could report this to his counselors at his and his brother’s school and CPS, and request that the two of them become wards of the state and put into foster care. And there are situations where it comes to this. No way on an internet board should that sort of serious action be advised since we don’t know the full story. </p>

<p>If the OP can get the funds to go away to college, that is a choice, but given family income, he may not get financial aid or merit money to even have this as an alternative. Unless named as a ward of the state, the father’s income and family assets will be in the picture for financial aid.</p>

23

<p>I’m not really suffering in anyway other than the fact that I have to deal with a mother who is mentally ill. She didn’t do anything that will harm us. If her bad personality continues, she will never be any better. I don’t know if her sickness and personality are related to each other but it certainly annoys me that she’s stubborn and only thinks negatively. I just don’t want to leave her all alone with my little brother when i go to college. Though, i told him to call my dad or my sister if there’s any problems. My dad can try to get home if something goes really wrong but like stilll he should try to get a job here to come home most of the days. He makes so little no matter where he works. My mom receives SSI and SNAP benefits. I feel like not having enough resources can prevent us finding a better doctor for my mom too. Her medical expenses are being provided by the govt i think. The fact that my parents can not speak english at all, I would have to follow them everywhere with them if they need me and that takes up my valuable time. I feel like all this is going to be passed down to my brother. My brother’s home language is just terrible. He does not understand anything whatsoever my mom tells him. So I would worry how he will handle this.</p>

24

<p>Lilmeonred, is going away to college even an option? Unless you go away to school, you will be home just as much if not more commuting to college. You have to sit down and write down what YOU CAN do. Those are your choices. Your brother is 15, 16. You can help him out by listing what HIS choices are after you decide what you want to do. Your parents have made their decisions on what they want to do, and you, nor your brother nor sister have anything you can do about that, until either they change what they want to do, or their is public intervention. Sometimes it takes a catastrophe before that happens unless YOU or your brother want to file a report to make a radical change, like having your brother and you, if you are still a minor, removed from the situation. </p>

<p>The way things are regarding mental health care, there is little that can be done when the adults involved do not make the decisons. Your parents are in charge there. </p>

<p>I am sorry that you kids are stuck in this mess, but it is an early lesson in life, that your choices are always what YOU can do. Not what others can. YOU cannot cure her, pay for other care for her, get her “put away”. Not on the list for you. You can stay home and be her caretaker full time, part time, whatever time. With money, you can leave, maybe find a relative that will take you in. But you are limited by what you CAN do. Forget about what others can and can’t or won’t do. You only have control over your own actions.</p>

25

<p>Have you thought about how you will finance college? Not trying to add any additional stress but there are lots of forms and financial information that has to be filled out and provided to the colleges. Do you have someone at school who might be able to help you with this? How about your older sibling? Is she of any assistance to you?</p>

26

<p>This is a college board, and so much else gets thrown into the mix. Your situation is not just a college choice one. At any given time, if the situation were more than you could tolerate, you could have reported what you have said to us and gotten CPS involved, be placed in a foster situation and your parents would have to deal with the homefront themselves. You chose to stay home and deal with the situation. You are now coming to a break point in that you will be graduating from high school, which mean you can stay home full time and be the caretaker for your mother and brother, or take local classes and/or work and do this part time or as you can or feel like it, which is really a continuation of your life as it has been, or you can leave if you can find a place to live. It doesn’t have to be to a college either. Colleges are not intended to provide a person with the escape, though if you get enough financial aid and scholarships it would make it easier. You can ask to move in with relatives or friends, find work and become self sufficient and get away from this family situation. You can join the armed forces. There are a number of choices here. Your brother then is faced with the same choice you had when you were his age and has to make his decision.</p>

27

<p>Cpt has very wise advice.</p>

<p>It is too bad that the way the system is set up, if you seek help for the situation, there may be intervention. It is, as Cpt said, hard to say whether that is a good idea or not, on an internet forum. </p>

<p>There may or may not be neglect going on but, as in many households with problems, there is caring going on too, which is very evident in your posts. </p>

<p>Along with the mental illness issues, there are also language barriers, and lack of job skills. Things are tough.</p>

<p>I wonder if there is a clergy member that you might talk to? Is that a possibility?</p>

28

<p>Yes my older sister has been VERY supportive. She may be coming back with her bf and come up with a solution to this hopefully before i head to college in about 5 months . Yes, I can go away to college as long I can afford it. It’s even possible that she will be here permanently. I’m talking to her right now.</p>

29

<p>The “afford it” part is a very big deal. Yes, you can afford it, living at home or somewhere that will provide a roof over your head, food, and transportation until you find work that can offset some or all of this. BUt all you are guaranteed is $5500 in loans unless you get enough financial aid or scholarships to make the break. I recall you were on another section of the board asking abut UBuff. That’s $20K a year sticker price and you weren’t sure if you could afford that. So the “as long as I can afford it” issue is an important stipulation. </p>

<p>Again, I feel like you are mixing your home situation and college. You can leave whether you get accepted to a college, can afford the college, or even go college. You can take other paths. DOn’t mix the two things together. You have three choices here—stay at home and caretake, commute to work or college or both, which is just keeping things pretty much the way they are, and note that college is not a necessary factor to make this choice, or leave home altogether to wherever, or whatever, --military, friend, family. You can go to college while taking the leave option too, depending on whether you get the funds to pay for it. But don’t make it a college thing. And you cannot depend on your sister about this. She may come here and leave in a week, a month, whenever. You have no control over what SHe does, just what YOU do.</p>

30

<p>How do i make sure that SUNYs will give me a full need? Buffalo, Stony and Bing?</p>

31

<p>What are your stats and what grade are you in?</p>

32

<p>1700 SAT and 3.7 GPA as of senior mid year…</p>

33

<p>You can’t. That is not under your control. You filled out a FAFSA with your family income, I assume, which is necessary. What is your EFC? Did you apply for TAP funds if eligible (family income under $80K, I believe) If you have not yet filed FAFSA, it is possible that since you father does not live with you, that you can file as your parents are separated and your mother just getting whatever government money she gets and the support money that your father gives her as income. You need to fill out those financial aid forms as soon as you can get it together. I bleieve TAP does require both parent’s financial info, however.</p>

<p>But none of the SUNYs guarantee to meet need, so right now, all I can see that you are guaranteed to get since I have no idea what your financial situation is, is the $5500 in Stafford loans that you can BORROW in your own name, IF your get a FAFSA filed. Again, get those PIN requests in , so you can get cracking with this.</p>

<p>You can look and see if you qualify for any merit money from Stoney Brook or UB. Bing doesn’t give any or much, last I checked, but look again. Again, nothing is guaranteed You need $20K to go away to school in NY You will likely get $5500 in loans and the rest is not in your control. </p>

<p>So all this now comes down to whether you can get the money to leave and go to college?</p>

34

<p>Full ride? I’m sorry to say, but you should aim lower. Those schools you listed would be matches (you won’t get a full ride) to reaches- unless you’re talking about suny college at buffalo?</p>

35

<p>How old is your little brother, by the way?</p>

36

<p>Yes my dad file taxes. My mom does not work. My EFC is 0. Yes i applied to both FAFSA and TAP. Though technically my home is my dad’s home too. Just that he has a little place to stay for his workplace. Maybe, i’ll get a full ride at a private college? would being in EOP/HEOP help me get good financial aid packages? I’ve been denied EOP at stony and buffalo because my grades are too high. I applied HEOP at private colleges. </p>

<p>I think it does come down to whether I can afford the net price of the college. My mom said she can help me pay at most 1000 for books, transportation, personal expenses at most. I would need aid to cover my tuition and housing.</p>

37

<p>OP, what state do you live in? For some reason, I’ve been assuming it is CA…now it sounds like NY.</p>

38

<p>@Consolation- OPs been talking about the SUNYs, which are cheap for in (and out, for that matter) staters, so I think it’s safe to assume he is from New York.</p>

39

<p>OP, what about suny college at buffalo though, you have a chance at a scholarship.</p>

40

<p>I want to study chemical engineering. They don’t have it. This is why i’m hoping either UB or stony.</p>