How to Handle

Parent Cafe
1

<p>My d is a freshman 1300 miles from home. A cousin of mine lives near her school. My cousin, who was not part of my D's life, has decided to establish a very close relationship with my d. This involves many trips off campus to my cousin's home and a lot of gift giving, sometimes in the form of special trips and other expensive items. I have talked to my cousin several times about my concerns that my D is spending too much time off campus and that it is not what she needs for her growth as a college student. </p>

<p>My D loves this new person in her life, in large part because my cousin is spoiling her and acting as the "good mommy" substitute, as opposed to my "struggling to let go" mommy role. My cousin refuses to acknowledge any validity of my feelings and continues to run down to campus to see my D- even going so far as to having my D stay up all night with her chatting the night before a big test and going out to do "fun things" during final exams. </p>

<p>Neither my cousin nor my D will listen to any reasonable statement or request to limit visits to special occasions that I make. My D thinks I should no longer have a say regarding who she befriends and my cousin thinks I am just a controlling mom who needs to get out of the way. My cousin is a 55 yr old who is going through a brutal divorce and is having severe health problems that may result in permanent disability. I am very concerned that this relationship is bad for my daughter's growth and grades. We don't have the grades in yet, but I suspect they will not be great. </p>

<p>As things were left last, before Christmas, my cousin indicated that she would not see my D until Feb. because of final exams in Jan, which are now. She offered this as if she were finally understanding my position about the need for my D to focus on school. I have discovered, however, that not only have they been out gallavanting throughout this final exam period, but that my cousin has also bought her a special cell phone for their chats and has been sending her emails to "get their stories straight" about they lies they should both tell me about their getting together. I know these things because in desperation, I have succumbed to the temptation to snoop in my D's email. </p>

<p>I hate being a snoop, but I hate the development of this relationship more. Any advice or help you wise parents can give would be greatly appreciated.</p>

2

<p>Oh, that ticks me off on your behalf. I had a similar sitation with my childless sister-in-law when my kids were little. It was easy then to tell her off and restrict access to my kids. She did learn her place.</p>

<p>But everyone in this situation is an adult. You can’t control your dd anymore. Tell us a little more about the cousin. Married? Kids of her own? Also, does your dd know you know about the phone, etc?</p>

3

<p>Since there’s no indication that the relative is dangerous in any way, I think that you should back off and let your adult daughter handle the relationship however she feels fit. I agree with you that the cousin’s giving your D a cell phone and telling her to lie to you is inappropriate, but your D is an adult, and I think that you are too involved in her relationship with her cousin. </p>

<p>I am wondering if due to your D’s being so far from home, you are concerned that the cousin will somehow replace you in your D’s affections. As young people grow up, it’s typical for them to develop close relationships with adults who aren’t their parents. This allows them to become independent of their parents in a healthful way while still getting adult guidance.</p>

<p>I’ve seen this happen with my own younger son, who became very close to two adult women – one was his supervisor during his gap year volunteer work, the other was an elderly professor who attended our church. I was happy that he was finding good role models and mentors.</p>

<p>I also remember well my mother’s behavior when at the same age my son is, I became very close to an adult friend of my mother, who started speaking badly about the woman to me. I could tell that my mother was jealous, and it made me angry that my mother was speaking so badly about someone who I looked up to and felt close to. </p>

<p>Years later, my mother behaved the same way when I liked my mother-in-law. My response was the same: being hurt and angry at my mother.</p>

<p>Frankly, my mother’s behavior hurt my mother’s relationship with me, and it caused a rift with my mother that lasted the rest of her life. </p>

<p>Unless your D is involved with something truly harmful such as having a relationship with someone who is physically or emotionally abusive, let her figure out things for herself. </p>

<p>If your D ends up getting bad grades, hold her responsible for the grades, but don’t blame her grades on her relationship with the cousin. For instance, my S knows that if he loses his scholarship due to grade problems, H and I won’t pay for his college until he raises his grades to an acceptable level.</p>

<p>Many freshmen have poor grades due to things like partying too much. My older S flunked out of school for that reason. Many other freshmen have poor grades due to lack of organization. If your D has grades below what you’ve agreed that she needs to have (and I hope you brought this up before she went to college), then it would be appropriate to either take her out of school if, for instance, she’s failing, or to send her to talk to her advisor and the campus study center to figure things out.</p>

4

<p>Be careful here patience, no matter what’s going on snooping in DD’s email is not OK and you risk alienating her.</p>

<p>If the grades are bad I think you have every right to ask DD why and to tell her you expect her to do whatever is necessary to keep them up or you won’t be funding college. Other than that, she’s an adult who seems to be enjoying this new relationship, and you really risk putting a wedge in your relationship with DD by commenting on it.</p>

5

<p>No, my cousin has never had children. Neither my D nor my cousin know that I have snooped. If I reveal this, they would be all over me for my invasion of privacy and deception. </p>

<p>My cousin and I were close as children because our families lived close and spent a lot of time together. However, I have always known that my cousin was jealous of me as a child. Her family situation was very difficult- mine was heaven in comparison. When I married, I moved out of state and we drifted apart. </p>

<p>My D is my only child.</p>

6

<p>Well, you are not in charge of your cousin, but presumably you CAN influence your daughter’s behavior. If her grades are good, then don’t sweat it. If they are not where they should be, then you need to help your child re-prioritize. Your child is answering the cousin’s calls and hiding cell phones and choosing to be less honest with you. Deal with her on this and leave the cousin out of it.</p>

7

<p>You can’t control your D, you can’t control your cousin. So, lay down some rules with consequences on what you can control at this point, which is probably very little. I assume you are paying money for college – simply set a simple GPA that your daughter must maintain or the money gets cut off. That way, your daughter can hang out with your cousin as much as she wants as long as she maintains her grades.</p>

<p>Realize that today it is the cousin that is distracting. A year from now it might be a boyfriend that distracts her. A year after that, an internet chat room romance that keeps her up until 4am every night. </p>

<p>The thing that is galling you in particular is that this is your relative stepping in and doing the “fun mommy” routine to your “bad mommy” routine (good cop, bad cop) and after all those hard years of raising your daughter, someone else has swooped in and gets all the fun and glory. Put that aside and deal with this distraction like you would with an internet addiction, new boyfriend craze, etc. Bottom line - you can only really control the amount of money you give your daughter (and related - car/insurance/etc if you provide that) and/or whether or not she’s allowed to live with you during summer breaks or after college is done.</p>

<p>Uour daughter probably would find <em>something</em> to distract her if the cousin went away. Meaning, the cousin isn’t “making” your daughter go off campus, your daughter would look for these opportunities any way you slice it and <em>would</em> find them.</p>

<p>I think the way to handle all of this is to ignore the “competition” between you and the cousin and take another step away from the situation. Lay down ground rules about grades and let your daughter make her decisions (with consequences) about what do to about her grades.</p>

<p>Annika</p>

8

<p>"I know these things because in desperation, I have succumbed to the temptation to snoop in my D’s email. "</p>

<p>You are risking permanently alienating your adult daughter by your snooping like that. </p>

<p>I can see snooping if, for instance, you had found evidence that your D was a crack addict. Life-threatening problems with an offspring, even an adult one, call for desperate solutions.</p>

<p>However, your D’s relationship with her cousin doesn’t fall into that category even if it’s affecting her grades. Hold your D responsible for any grade problems, but it’s not appropriate for you to be trying to control who your adult D is friends with or how much she sees her friend.</p>

9

<p>I am with hmom5, and with everyone about making sure your daughter is keeping her grades up, otherwise cut off funding for college.</p>

<p>It is always nice to have another person to love your child. It is easy to be the fun adult. If the relationship is inappropriate (too much co-dependency), your daughter will need to recognize it for herself. No matter how much attention this woman is showing on your daughter, it’s not going to replace your relationship. At the same time, how much fun is it hanging out with a 55 year old lady when you are 18. The only thing I would point out to your daughter is it is not right to accept expensive gifts from people, especially if you have no way to reciprocate.</p>

10

<p>Agree with nsm, as usual, that the issue has to be about grades. If she is keeping up her end of that bargain then I don’t think you have any way to restrict her access to your cousin. And, truly, you can’t anyway from 1,300 miles away.</p>

<p>I know how frustrating it is when a relative comes in to be a good-time Charlie and undermines your parenting. But your dd is an adult and you just don’t have a lot of control over what’s happening. If her grades drop, and you have set forth come kind of agreement about what that means, then your dd might see how the relationship with the irresponsible cousin (if it’s happening as you say) plays a part in the situation and adjust accordingly. Of course, your cousin may step in to fill an even bigger role if you cut dd off financially …</p>

11

<p>I know the snooping is wrong, and I will stop it. To clarify, I have not commented about my cousin to my D- ie. badmouthing. My only statements have revolved around concern for staying on campus and taking full advantage of campus academic and social opportunities. In fact, I have made no comments at all about this subject to my D since the start of the fall semester (Sept). </p>

<p>My D has let it be known that she and my cousin have discussed me at great length. Knowing my cousin’s issues with me as a person, I can’t imagine that a lot of positives have been stated. And of course, I would expect my D to say things about me as she struggles to grow apart and grow up- who among us has not bad mouthed our mother as a teenager? My cousin would be more than happy to feed the ill will. At this point, my cousin has offered the following to my D: a Mercedes (old), a Broadway show trip, 3 solid gold bracelets, a trip to Canada, a 44,000$ piece of furniture and the promise that my D will be the sole beneficiary of her estate when she dies. All of these things, except the Broadway trip and one bracelet are promises for the future- they haven’t been given yet.<br>
My cousin recently had a minor stroke, for which she is getting rehab, but which still allows her to drive, so she can get to campus. She is currently on leave from work, so she has plenty of time to spend with my D. </p>

<p>My daughter attends an Ivy league school, so I am not inclined to pull her out just to get her away from my cousin unless she fails out. </p>

<p>While there is no immediate physical or sexual abuse going on, I do feel that the negativity toward me, the attempt to take over my role as a parent and the dangling of goodies borders on psychological abuse. Am I jealous- yes!!! Am I worried- Very!!! But I think I have grounds.</p>

12

<p>I too am completely ticked off at the manipulation herein. I really am not sure what to say because I obviously don’t know what your relationship with your daughter is. If you have an open-enough relationship, you can talk about what your daughter is getting out of the relationship and what she might think the cousin is getting out of the relationship. I would also express my concern about that relationship detracting not only from her making friends at school, but also potentially having an impact on her grades. </p>

<p>I would also talk to her about the secrecy–and would tell her that someone who asks for secrecy in a relationship and lying and underhandedness even when your daughter is an “adult” is no different from when she was a “child.” This cousin is trying to undermine your daughter’s relationship with her mother in some way and for some reason. You need to stay rational and ask your daughter to assess the cousin’s motivations here. Why would the cousin want to undermine your daughter’s education, as well as her honest and open relationship with you? I would listen and listen, and support your daughter’s ability to make choices as being no different than if she were choosing to party instead of studying etc. Talk to her about college being the opportunity to be independent and find out who she is, what her priorities are, and what she wants to do and be. Your daughter is in control, and you are questioning why an adult would be trying to influence her during this time. Place seeds of doubt about the cousin’s motivation, and understanding about your daughter’s. Obviously it’s fun to get presents and great outings, but what REALLY is the cousin–with whom she had no prior relationship–getting out of it? This is a sad person going through a tough time who wants a human relationship, but is it really appropriate for her to choose your daughter, who should be developing new relationships with kids her age.</p>

<p>Maybe your daughter is feeling sorry for her? You could suggest your daughter can take control of the relationship by making specific “dates” with the cousin that fit within her college schedule. Tell her compassion is a great thing, but that she can’t let this relationship undermine her schedule. </p>

<p>I’ve rambled a bit–hope this helps a little?</p>

13

<p>What was dd like when she came home for break? Did your dd tell you these things, about the Mercedes, etc? Or did you get that info from the snooping?</p>

14

<p>I’m sorry but i’ve got to chime in. I think your cousin sounds creepy. She doesn’t sound like a rational adult whatsoever and asking your daughter to be sneaky is offensive and immoral. I assume your daughter has been raised to show respect towards you and your husband, and this woman is directly threatening that…she is encouraging your daughter to be dishonest with you and no matter if she is an adult or not, I would not continue funding the ‘away’ college if the grades slip and the deception keeps up. </p>

<p>However, I find it unsettling that your daughter (being away from home for perhaps the first time), is more interested in spending time with this 55 year old woman rather than hanging with dorm mates or peers. Is your daughter lacking self-confidence? Are the little goodies she receives so much more enticing than being with kids her own age? Would things get better if you encouraged her to join a campus club or rush a sorority? I’m not a huge fan of Greek life, but, depending on the school, if she joined a house she would have little time left to hang with some older lonely woman.</p>

15

<p>If your cousin’s health is on the decline, all sorts of things could be going on. Is she trying to mold your daughter into that close relative who will ultimately become a caregiver of some sorts when the cousin will need a lot of help due to her disability?</p>

16

<p>You sound jealous and overly controlling. I’m sorry, but if you are resorting to snooping on your daughter’s email, then you are very much out of line (and possibly committing a felony along the way). I don’t think you are really concerned about the partying and iimpact on your daughter’s grades … because your daughter could be doing the same thing with her peers and you’d never know.</p>

<p>As Northstarmom noted, the grades are your daughter’s responsibility, and you have every right to let your d. know that you will not continue to fund college for her if grades fall below a reasonable threshold. Though I get the sense that your cousin might be financially able to step in and fill any gaps left in that regard as well - so cutting off the money on your end might be the last thing you would want to do. </p>

<p>A friendship between an 18 year old and a 55 year old is not typical, but there are many reasons why it might happen. What you call “gallavanting” might be very tame concerned to the heavy drinking and frat-party scene that dominates at many college campuses – it may be that your d. prefers the relatively more sedate companionship of her cousin than the immature antics of her fellow freshmen.</p>

17

<p>Agree with SJTH and like the suggestion of specific dates. Maybe your daughter can suggest the first Friday of the month is their ‘fun’ night. That would help daughter make connections she needs with her own peers and possibly help cousin find people her own age to be with. </p>

<p>Has daughter met cousin’s friends? Does cousin have a circle of friends? If not, why not?</p>

18

<p>To further clarify- My husband and I have set clear expectations about maintaining grades and the consequences of not doing so. We have allowed that the first semester is transitional and that we will pay full freight for it. Thereafter, there is a sliding scale of % that we fund based on the GPA- if it falls below a certain point, she would have to fund the entirety, which would not be very easy for her. My cousin, despite her big talk and offers of expensive goodies, is actually cash poor, one of the bones of contention of her divorce. And being out of work right now makes her financial situation even harder. No, she could not fund my D’s costs if we were to pull out. </p>

<p>As you can imagine, it is very frustrating to stand by and know that this is happening. It is particularly difficult since I and my husband are doing our best to do the “letting go” thing, but my cousin is stepping in and blocking our ability to let our D take more resonsibility for herself. It is harder, of course, because my cousin and I have history. I agree that my D’s choosing this “distraction” is a major issue and that if it were not my cousin, it might be something else. My D does have major procrastination issues. Other than holding her accountable for her grades, is there any other way I can help her overcome them when I know my cousin will be right there luring her into more and more frittering away of her time? And that my cousin will be right there telling my D waht a bad mommy I am for setting any limits? Right now, everything I say to my D is run by my cousin- if my cousin says I’m wrong, then my daughter will not pay any attention to me. </p>

<p>I expected the issue of procrastination to be major for my daughter. I didn’t expect the “Fatal Attraction” invasion of my relationship with my daughter.</p>

19

<p>Hmmm… I think developing a close relationship with older adults is okay, as Northstarmom points out, but I have to wonder about the frequency and duration of the visits when peers are usually MUCH more important at this age than older adults, no matter how close the relationship nor how generous the gift-giving.</p>

<p>Just thinking “out loud” here, but I might wonder, perhaps out loud to D, if maybe she isn’t missing her mommy so much that she is using the cousin to fill that role, if maybe she isn’t spending time with peers because she misses mom so much. </p>

<p>Or maybe not.</p>

<p>Maybe a Miss Manners technique would work here: telling your D how nice it is that she is “taking care” of your cousin. The message you want to your D to get, without actually saying it, is that the cousin is a burden. Say it enough times, “Oh, how nice that you are making sure Cousin gets out, keeping her mind off her health problems and the divorce; friends generally tire of hearing about someone’s divorce after a time, you know.”</p>

<p>I might wonder aloud to the cousin about D’s adjustment to college; she doesn’t seem to spend a lot of time on campus, and I certainly hope her grades are good enough to stay at school.</p>

<p>Or not. I’m not good at predicting how people will react.</p>

<p>I do think it’s awful that your cousin is telling your D to lie to you, and that your D is, apparently, doing so. I’d have a hard time knowing my kid, and a relative, were lying to me. That breach of trust is very hard to repair; ditto for the breach of trust that you, yourself, have committed by reading your D’s email.</p>

20

<p>Patiencema, what are plans for spring break? Encourage D to bring a dorm mate home at break. Maybe it’s possible the friend would see that both you and husband are nice, normal parents and might help break the chain with cousin? Get someone from school on your team…get it?</p>