<p>Guys, I get the point about reading the emails. Neither my D nor my cousin know that I have done it- so from that perspective, they are not aware that I have breached any trust. And I certainly don’t intend to continue doing that. As I said, it was an act of desperation, based on many suspicions and mother’s intuition, for which I will be saying a hearty act of contrition at my next confession. </p>
<p>Much of what I know comes from my D and my cousin- listening to their respective recitation of events and noting where they don’t quite add up. The only thing I discovered from the snooping was the additional cell phone and the encouragement to make up lies and stick together on them. I have only snooped once. I am not justifying it and know that it is bad. But, because I have sinned doesn’t make theirs any less.</p>
<p>Wow… I took too long to post; lots o’ responses while I was typing!!</p>
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<p>Oh, bribes. Yee-haw. I’d find a way to point out to D that she is being bribed; would probably have to make a joke of it with my own kid to get the point across, but surely there is some way of pointing out what the cousin is doing/how the cousin is doing it to your D that will not alienate D from you.</p>
<p>Of course, you could do that only if you came by the information honestly.</p>
<p>Regarding spring break and the summer- my D has already said she doesn’t want to come home for spring break- she would rather work on campus to make some more money, she says. I suspect there are secret plans for events together. I also suspect that there are plans for the summer about which I have not yet been informed. Actually, that is when the trip to Canada has been mentioned. </p>
<p>My d’s visit home during winter break was fine. I did not mention my cousin at all during that time, except to express my concern for her physical well being. The minor stroke took place just before the break. My cousin, by the way, who would previously go years without calling me, called 4 times during winter break to chat and pump for info about my D’s activities, conversations, etc.</p>
<p>Answering the question abut cousin’s friends- yes my D has met a few of them, as have I. My husband, mother and I went up there for thanksgiving with my D and my cousin threw a party. The friends are nice, but not close. One of the issues is that my cousin does not really have anyone close- many of her past close friends were lost through the divorce.</p>
<p>“At this point, my cousin has offered the following to my D: a Mercedes (old), a Broadway show trip, 3 solid gold bracelets, a trip to Canada, a 44,000$ piece of furniture and the promise that my D will be the sole beneficiary of her estate when she dies.”</p>
<p>Is there any chance that more than just friendship and platonic love is involved? </p>
<p>If so, there still isn’t anything that you can do about it since your D is an adult.</p>
<p>I do snoop my kids’ emails every once in a while, not going to lie. That’s how I found out my older daughter was drinking at sleep overs in high school. I shut it down really quick. I snoop to make sure my kids are not doing drugs. I have openly told me kids that I would do that. Have I also looked through their drawers in their rooms, yes. Now that my D1 is in college, I no longer do that. At the same time, if I thought she was in harms way(in an abusive relationship, mentally/physically ill…), I think I would do everything I could to get to the bottom of it, and it may include snooping. So, I am not going to judge OP.</p>
<p>I just see jealousy here. An 18 year old adult should in no way be stopped from talking to anyone she pleases and I don’t consider the secrecy of the cell phone calls as being out of line. It sounds to me like patiencema has made her feeling about their friendship known and they are trying to get her out of their relationship.</p>
<p>I know it can be hard to let our adult children be adults, but we have no right to have input into their relationships and activities past reasonable expectations for things like grades or intervening for safety reasons and even that’s a grey area.</p>
<p>Who knows why DD is having this relationship with her aunt, but it’s her choice. Worrying about what they are saying about you is your issue, not theirs to be frank.</p>
<p>I don’t see anyway for you to get your way here. In fact, I think you’re handing them fodder to be negative about you.</p>
<p>Your days of being in control of DD’s life are over. I hate to see you hurt yourself and the relationship be not appropriately letting go.</p>
<p>It was painful for me too when kids started having other things to do other than coming home on breaks. With an only child this must be very hard. But it is what it is and the choices are hers. It’s probably time for you to take up some new interests.</p>
<p>nsm- While I don’t think there is anything physical going on between them, I do think my cousin is obsessed with my daughter. I think my cousin is desperately lonely- going through a horrible divorce without many friends to see her through. I also think she is very concerned about her health and rightly so. She is, however, getting expert medical care. Her own mother is in a nursing home nearby, and she periodically does things for her mom, but a lot less now because of her own health concerns. My D is dazzled by things and money- or the promise of money. It is one of her weaknesses. My cousin quickly caught on to this, I think which is why she is promising so much. She actually can’t deliver on most of the promises, until death.</p>
<p>Hmom- I have admitted I am jealous. I also realize that I am powerless to control anyone’s behavior here except my own. I want to still provide guidance and support for my daughter. If I never hear from my cousin again, I wouldn’t cry. I don’t understand why you say I am providing fodder to them when I haven’t even discussed this situation with either of them since Sept.</p>
<p>If the relationship is based on material things that can’t be delivered, DD will know soon enough. If she’s at an ivy she must be a smart girl. A lot of people have a weakness for material things, if that’s a weakness DD has, you’re not about to change it.</p>
<p>It sounds like your DD is getting things she wants from the aunt right now. It could very well fade pretty quickly. Relax and let it take it’s course.</p>
<p>Where I get the fodder from is that they felt it necessary to have a private cell phone and to rehearse what to tell you. You can only provide guidance if your daughter wants guidance from you.</p>
<p>hmom- I agree that they want me out of their relationship. And I want to be out of it. I guess I’m just hurt that my cousin has managed to turn my daughter against me, or at least it feels like it.</p>
<p>patiencema–This would make me crazy. Secret calls and meetings?–your cousin is pathetic and needs to get a life. I think you’re doing remarkably well in not talking much about it to either. I’m sure you know you’ll push your D away if you badmouth cousin–I liked owlice’s idea that you gently suggest how nice that D is taking care of cousin. Then leave it alone as much as possible and make whatever you guys are doing sound as interesting as possible. What does your husband think?</p>
<p>So, I guess I just sit here and take the complete lack of respect being shown me by my cousin and my daughter. And pray that the grades don’t drop so low that my daughter loses the opportunity of a lifetime. And speak only when spoken to. And take up tennis perhaps. </p>
<p>mom in virginia- my husband is as nuts as I am over this. His solution would be to call them both up with guns ablazing and tell them how the cow ate the cabbage. I have convinced him to hold back and that any badmouthing will only do more damage than good. </p>
<p>hmom- my last post was in response to yours. While there was a bit of sarcasm in my answer, it probably is the right course of action. It’s just so hard to “turn the other cheek” and have to be the one to “handle it properly”. I keep telling myself that my reward will be great in heaven. And that the Catholic 5th commandment is “Thou shall not kill”.</p>
<p>patiencema - how was your relationship with your daughter before your cousin came along? It is just very strange your 18 year old would be so taken with a 55 year old woman. I know with both of my girls, no matter how nice some adults may be to them, they wouldn’t be interested. They get enough attention from us, they would have no interest in having additional attention from another adult. Hope this doesn’t sound harsh, maybe your daughter felt there was something lacking in your relationship? Should you focus more on your relationship with your daughter? If everything is fine, your daughter probably will get tired of hanging out with your cousin after a while. If you are too critical now, she may not feel comfortable in coming to you when she needs someone to talk to later on.</p>
<p>I’m skeptical of the “let nature take its course” approach to this major problem. </p>
<p>Neither person out there is behaving in a normal manner. If the D fails out of school, she might well stay there anyways and move in with the aunt.</p>
<p>I would be aiming for the opportunity to discuss the situation with D. I would absolutely not badmouth the aunt or go into the past. I would not be heavyhanded or threatening. I would simply aim to say that I am troubled by the situation and I hope to discuss amicably with D the ramifications of what she is doing. </p>
<p>It might not make a difference, I realize that. </p>
<p>I understand that kids in college are adults, I get that. I’m skeptical, though, that the day they turn 18 I no longer need make the slightest effort to guide them, that it’s OK for me to watch them take enormous risks and just do nothing, that my only guidance system is “Do I write the next check? Yes or no.”</p>
<p>oldfort- my relationship with my D was very close. Probably too close. My D was a real homebody during high school and was fearful of dating, etc., although she had a few close friends. Because of my concerns about her lack of social life, I encouraged her into counseling. Which she did for two years. Can still call the counselor from school, but hasn’t. I also go to the same counselor. </p>
<p>I think my D has actually made friends on campus- not super close, but she certainly has a much more vibrant social life at college than in high school. She also made a big change in appearance and dress going off to college, in large part as a result of the counseling successes. The counselor also worked hard with her on the procrastination issues, but I must say that there were times when I had to be a major nag to keep her on target with time management. </p>
<p>I vowed, when she went off to college, to back off on all nagging- to let go and let her stand on her own two feet. She resents any questions I ask about progress in courses or about her social life. So, I cannot ask questions of her as a means to guide her thinking or it will be interpreted as the grand inquisition. </p>
<p>Have I had control issues? You betcha. I am aware that I have not been perfect and that I often times shielded her from failure by nagging, when it would have been better for her to suffer consequences. Consider this the confession of a helicopter parent of the spoiled child she is responsible for creating.</p>
<p>Well, you’ve got quite a problem IMO. My sympathies. A agree w/ADad.</p>
<p>I’d give your D some practical advice on regaining control in the relationship w/aunt, like concrete examples on how to excuse oneself from her demands. Those offers of expensive items are proof that the aunt has the power in the relationship and your D may not know how to handle that.</p>
<p>She can have no excuse for lying to you, irrespective of the aunt’s influence. She needs to get her priorities straight - like graduation. Good luck!</p>