How to Handle

Parent Cafe
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<p>ADad- Thanks. I agree that neither my cousin nor my daughter are acting normally. To clarify, however, I suspect that my daughter will not flunk out this semester. Rather, her grades in one or two courses will be low enough (D’s) to negatively impact her longterm GPA. Not the end of the world. But very very disappointing, knowing that she is capable of much much more. </p>

<p>If I thought that this situation would fall away naturally, I would just let it die. But I know my cousin and her persistence in pursuit. Think “Fatal Attraction”. She IS that nuts. But, I know I can’t convince my D of that, especially since she’s real high on the “mommy is a control freak” line my cousin has encouraged. The saddest part is that in the past I have had control issues and I was a sheltering parent.</p>

<p>Depending on the grades, I want to have a discussion with her about her choices in life. While she is thankfully not drinking, drugging or bedding anything that moves, she is making bad choices about how to spend her time and how to develop her character. I, however, cannot directly confront the lying and secrecy since i came about that info by my own deception.</p>

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<p>I would talk to the counselor that you and your daughter have both seen–perhaps she has some good ideas on how best to approach your daughter since she knows her. Maybe she could even reach out just for a pulse check? Probably not, but at least she can advise you, I would think.</p>

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<p>Mom in va- I will be seeing the counselor tomorrow. We have been talking this though all along. But I only just discovered the info about the cell phone and the planned lying, which I will share with her tomorrow. </p>

<p>Up to this point, the plan is to wait for the grades, then depending on how bad they are, have a discussion with D. Whether knowledge of the level of deception occurring will change that plan, I don’t know yet. This will necessitate us flying up there, I think, since she will not be home anytime soon and I can’t see this conversation having as much of an impact by phone.</p>

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<p>I think a nice visit in the near future, complete with a family lunch with the cousin might be in order. You can be as pleasant as all get out, be supportive of your cousin’s illness and sweet to you daughter (using that “it’s so nice that daughter is helping you through a rough time” line) and take the high road. If you dispel the myth that its you against them, it could help things. Then take your daughter and some new friends out to dinner.</p>

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<p>SJTH-
I’m not sure I could make it through such lunch. I definitely don’t think my husband could. My cousin is the master of the “false sweetness” approach, and she knows me well enough to sense the falsehood if I ever tried it. </p>

<p>My inclination was to visit without ever letting my cousin know. My relationship with my daughter is my business, after all, and I don’t want to feed my cousin’s erroneous notion that she has a say so in how I deal with my D. </p>

<p>But I like the idea of taking some of my D’s college pals out to dinner, if she’ll let me.</p>

46

<p>Good luck tomorrow, patiencema. Another possibility to keep in mind is that your daughter might tell your cousin one thing to make her happy or get a good response, but not necessarily intend to do it. Kids (people in general?) seem to want to keep all the balls in the air rather than coming out and saying no. So it’s possible these lies and trips may not be what DD intends to actually do. Just a thought.</p>

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<p>“So, I guess I just sit here and take the complete lack of respect being shown me by my cousin and my daughter. And pray that the grades don’t drop so low that my daughter loses the opportunity of a lifetime.”</p>

<p>If your D is at a top college like an Ivy, even if her grades are low enough that the college makes her take time off, the college will let her back in, and she’ll more than likely graduate from there within 6 years as is the case for the overwhelming majority of students at colleges like that.</p>

48

<p>I think I’d be tempted to have lunch with just the cousin… And I suspect any visit to your daughter would not escape your cousin’s notice; your D would probably tell her.</p>

49

<p>Patience, am I right in that the counselor who knows you both has told you to back off all along? I’m guessing the deception will not change that.</p>

<p>Your further explanation gives us a better picture. Sounds like a girl who has had social issues and perhaps wasn’t ready to jump into a typical social life so has used the aunt as a distraction and safety net.</p>

<p>I think you may be taking the abandonment wrong. Every girl, especially one with an admittedly controlling mother, will pull away for a time. For most it will be to be with same age friends who all make fun of their mothers! You have not lost your place in her heart, it’s probably just growing pains with an unusual twist.</p>

50

<p>I think any guilt of meddling or nosiness on your part (checking her emails) is far outweighed by the incredibly inappropriate behavior of your cousin.</p>

<p>She sounds meddlesome and inconsiderate. Does she not realize that inserting herself so heavily into your daughter’s freshman year of college is wrong? Does she ever stop to consider what’s best for your daughter?? She sounds like a lonely person who is putting her needs first. It may be sad, but it’s not right.</p>

<p>Perhaps at some time you can meet or have a frank discussion with her, lend a sympathetic ear, etc. But your daughter’s well-being comes first. She may well need to learn to cut some ties, leave the nest, etc, but running to your cousin doesn’t sound like the right way to do it.</p>

<p>Also, it’s easy to say “if you don’t do well in school, we don’t pay-- you’re out.” But that’s a pretty expensive lesson for the family. Your daughter isn’t doing this alone. There’s a 55-year-old adult offering bribes and insinuating herself into the girl’s life. Of course your daughter is not helpless in this situation, but it’s sabotage on your cousin’s part, and it sounds like an unhealthy situation for all.</p>

51

<p>You are furious at your cousin, worried about your daughter, jealous, hurt, and powerless. You can’t control the situation, but you can get yourself some help to get through it, manage your emotions so you don’t go crazy, and get guidance on how to handle things.</p>

<p>Keep an eye on your daughter’s overall physical and emotional health.</p>

52

<p>Please let us know what the therapist says tomorrow. Obviously, the cousin has issues and has glommed on to your dd. But your dd is allowing this to happen, either because of materialism or social awkwardness with kids her own age. I tend to think it’s both – that the 55yo relative is a safe and lucrative social safety net.</p>

53

<p>nsm- I know the way the Ivy works regarding time off if necessary. I am a graduate of the same institution my daughter now attends. Having to take that option, however, is not desirable. But, I do know this situation with the grades is not the end of the world. </p>

<p>owlice- I think it would be a very bad idea for me to meet with my cousin to discuss this issue. Remember that she is not OK and that anything I say will get twisted in the reporting back to my daughter to make me look like the bad guy. Not to mention that 5th commandment thing. </p>

<p>If I visit without my cousin’s fore-knowledge, she will certainly find out about it from my daughter. But, I can’t feed her meddlesomeness by an invitation to further involvement. I wish I could put on the nicey nice act and embarass her royally, revealing her to be the problem that she is. I just don’t think I can pull it off that way. It would be too obvious, given that my personality is nothing like that. </p>

<p>I agree that this attachment on my daughter’s part does have a lot to do with her social akwardness, the fact that she, as an only child, has always felt more comfortable with adults and with whatever issues she is navigating through the break away from home and mommy phase of growth. Complicated by control issues- my daughter has as many of them as I do. And my cousin has a few of her own. </p>

<p>For me, the main issue is strengthening my relationship with my daughter. I am convinced there is no relationship to be had between me and my cousin unless a miracle of grand proportions occurs. My focus has been diverted by my cousin, but I must work on my relationship with my daughter. </p>

<p>Yes, my counselor has recommended backing off- which I have done with my daughter since Sept on this issue. I have had a few talks with my cousin through Oct, appealing to her from the standpoint of “I want the best college experience for my daughter and that means friends and study on campus” . </p>

<p>The last conversation I had with my cousin was bad, bad- she screamed at me about how I wanted to take my daughter away from her. This tells you how invested she is in having my D a part of her life. It’s completely irrational. I did not lose my cool during my cousin’s tantrum. I merely repeated the “on campus” mantra as my cousin absolutely lost it. I did not share this with my D since I felt that it was between me and my cousin. I don’t doubt that my cousin told her about it, with me cast as the devil.</p>

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<p>I didn’t say you should discuss this issue with her! In fact, I think if you did have lunch with her, it would be because she obviously wants to have a closer relationship with you, since she called four times over the holidays. You used to be so close, you know, and you see that she wants to rekindle that closeness; it’s obvious from the phone calls, right?</p>

<p>(Okay, I’m wicked, but man, I think I’d try to pull this off! Wouldn’t mention the D at all; would keep the focus on cousin and what she’s doing and how her friends are and what she’s going to do next and so on.)</p>

<p>Maybe not after reading about the last phone call, however…</p>

55

<p>One other piece of the story before i retire for the night. Throughout all this, my cousin has called me frequently to discuss her health issues and divorce. I have been quite sympathetic and listened endlessly through repeated recitation of her health problems and details of the divorce arguments. No talk of my daughter. I do feel badly for my cousin’s situation. I even sent her a Christmas/get well gift (we haven’t exchanged gifts since childhood)that pleased her immensely. When I brought up the tantrum and how hurt I felt by her words to me (she had basically said I was a bad mother as well as trying to take my D away from her) she immediately said that she couldn’t talk about it since it would upset her too much and her health was too delicate.</p>

56

<p>Your cousin sounds incredibly selfish and unstable. She doesn’t seem to have any concern for appropriate boundaries, or for the good of your daughter. I wouldn’t want her around my child either. </p>

<p>It’s probably a dumb question, but since there does seem to be some jealousy and insecurity on her part, do you think she might respond any better if your husband could engage her in a calm discussion on the matter? </p>

<p>I think someday your daughter will probably look back and realize how needy and irrational her aunt’s behavior was. But in the meantime, it’s worrisome. Good luck!</p>

57

<p>My MIL is manipulative to the extent that some of her actions would be unbelievable on a soap opera and she beats Raymond’s mother on “Everybody loves Raymond.” When I was dating my DH and first married, MIL did a ton of nasty manipulative things to my mother, she was cold, &%tchy, snobby, snotty, superior, etc. At the time, I was completely unaware. My mother never mentioned any of it to me.</p>

<p>I have been married nearly 30 years and my mother has told some of the stories in the past few years. I have such respect for her ability to turn the other cheek and be not hostile and overtly cruel. The thing is, my mother “won”- DH and I always have and always will spend a ton of time with my parents, we enjoy them. We keep it to a minimum with his parents, because they are unpleasant.</p>

<p>MIL made a big deal of having us with them for holiday occasions, she ‘won’ those battles, but my mother won the war by being sweet. She also avoided putting me in an awkward family dynamic.</p>

<p>This does not all apply to you, it is not a forever in-law relationship. What does apply is that you may very well gain respect LONG TERM if you are the grown up.</p>

<p>Just as you could not be your DDs best buddy in HS, you may benefit from not competing with her cousin buddy as a friend, stay the mom- sometimes that is the bad guy, but hopefully the attraction will fade and she will be back to you, with respect later.</p>

<p>Think of it comparable to a creepy BF- you have to not put him down too much or your DD would cling to him, you would have to be civil & polite and hope she came to her senses.</p>

<p>Same here, but the fuzzy factor in seeing that is the past relationship with you and your cousin. Yes, she has knowledge of things, enough to twist them and make you sound realistically bad. You will have to stay waay waay up on the high road and try not to engage the battle.</p>

<p>You are her mom & it won’t change, so try to not give the cousin the power to mess with your head. Try to find a tool to defuse the cousin’s power over you;)</p>

58

<p>One more piece to clarify- I have visited my cousin each time I have been to see my D. In Sept at college move in, in Oct for parent’s weekend and then Nov for Thanksgiving. I stayed at her house each time. Yes, she wants closeness to me and to the best of my ability, within the confines of sanity, I am trying to be sympathetic to her situation. </p>

<p>She has also asked me to take durable medical power of attorney in the event that further health problems incapacitate her. I would then make medical decisions in accord with her desires and have access to her funds to pay for medical care. I originally agreed but I am now reconsidering.</p>

59

<p>I would guess that as DD gets more comfortable at college, the aunt will turn out to have been just a bump in the road. I also think that freshman year of college is a hard time for any parent to strengthen their relationship with their daughter. This is the time for her to reach out for a normal college social life and perhaps a counselor on campus can help her to do that.</p>

<p>I would not mention the aunt again, I’d mention that you want to help her get the tools for a great college social life. She may not be ready, but eventually she will be.</p>

<p>And you will have all sorts of phases to become close, but probably not right now.</p>

60

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<p>I agree. Since you have no control over either your daughter or your cousin (as you and many others have noted), this is your only course of action. I think it’s important to go about it as if this cousin problem didn’t exist – do what you would under normal circumstances; send care packages, phone and email her at appropriate times and be loving and supportive with a light touch. If she tells you she won’t spend her summer vacation at home, tell her you’re disappointed because you’ll miss her but you understand that she needs to start living her own life. In other words, back way off but in a loving way. Be as undemanding as you can of her love and attention. Try not to be critical. (Grades are a different story, of course.) With time, your D will come to see your cousin’s manipulative behavior for what it is. I can’t imagine that deep down, she doesn’t feel a twinge of guilt about the lies. She knows she is betraying you, but she is using this relationship to separate from you. Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for children to feel the need to “demonize” their mothers in order to separate, but it’s usually temporary. Your daughter is obviously intelligent enough to get into an ivy, so she will come to her senses and figure it out eventually. Just remember that you don’t want to alienate her now. You will have to be the real adult in this scenario!</p>

<p>This whole story is like some kind of bizarre affair. The emotional betrayal, the lies orchestrated by your cousin and daughter, secret trips, the snooping on your part. Unlike an affair though, I would bet that if you refuse to play into your cousin’s schemes, the whole thing would run its course. Remember, you are actually the star player in this little drama! As you say, your D and your cousin are talking about you constantly. It sounds more like it’s you your cousin’s obsessed with, not your daughter, who is more of a proxy. Perhaps she sees this as her chance to “finally” get even by using your daughter? If you can detach from this, they will no longer have the thrill of cheating on you, and may find that they have nothing else in common!</p>

<p>Wasn’t there some French movie with a similar plot?</p>