How to Handle

Parent Cafe
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<p>hmom- I agree that my cousin thinks she is “helping”. No doubt about that. She has, after all, spent her entire career in a major “helping” profession. But, she is not a trained therapist any more than I am and to try to “help” a college student through such a transition is presumptuous, particularly since no one asked her to do so. </p>

<p>As for my D being lonely, awkward, etc- well, of course she is- many college students are or if not, have other issues they must work through. </p>

<p>If my D were truly at a breaking point or exhibiting major problems placing her at risk, I think my cousin, despite her issues and because of her background, would get her to a hospital, etc. My cousin is not quite that out of touch with reality. And she can recognize major warning signs. </p>

<p>But, my cousin also likes to “play therapist” with people. She has done it with me and routinely “analyzes” people in conversation. This, in my opinion, is highly problematic. I believe in the psychological profession and I don’t believe in trying to “help” people uncover their deepest issues unless you’ve been trained to do so. </p>

<p>That’s why I go to a therapist and why I had my D go to one.</p>

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<p>I think the one who it sounds needs a counselor the most is the cousin(!) and I don’t mean that in an unkind way. </p>

<p>To have a stroke AND be going through a divorce must be absolutely devastating! Unless she has her own network of close friends or family to fall back on, she is probably feeling extremely alone at this point in her life. She deserves compassion, but NOT at the expense of the OP’s daughter. If there was anyone who could get through to her that a support group or counselor might be in order, that could be a big help to everyone.</p>

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<p>Northstarmom comments on something several posts back that is worth really thinking about. The daughter is not acting like other college kids act. By this point freshmen year the typical freshmen would not be asking to work spring break, she’d be asking for money to go to her friend’s house in Florida with the gang. And talking about going on study abroad with her three new best friends. During Christmas break you would have heard all about Sally and Heather and Chelsea and Rebecca.</p>

<p>Indeed any kid watching your daughter take off with the aunt is scratching her head. And allowing your mother on your facebook page? Fate worse than death for most kids. Honestly, you’ll know her social life is normal when she unfriends you.</p>

<p>So when you say no one has asked the aunt to help, I’m betting that DD has, even if she hasn’t articulated it. </p>

<p>IMO, when the real problem is dealt with–DDs social issues–the aunt will fall into her natural role of the doting aunt seen a few times a year.</p>

<p>And in no way am I defending the aunt. She sounds very needy and inappropriate. But if DD had a normal college social life, the aunt would not get the face time to meet her own needs.</p>

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<p>I think my cousin could benefit from further therapy. She has, however, been in therapy off and on, for most of the past 20 years. I think, however, that she either doesn’t or is unable to do it consistently and for the length of time it would take for her to work through the many issues of her life. It would be a great help to this situation and to my cousin’s life if she could undertake consistent quality mental health care. Thus far, my suggestions in that area have been blown off. I have been very gentle with her on that issue because I know it is a sensitive one for her and because of the sensitivity of her life issues right now. But, I also think that because of the history between us, I am not the right person to convince her to seek more help. </p>

<p>As for the history between us- I will try to summarize. I am adopted, as was my brother who was 15 years my junior. He died 10 years ago. My parents desperately wanted children and could not have them because of the Rh factor problem in existence back then. My aunt and uncle- cousin’s parents- really didn’t want children, but had 4 of them- 3 boys, then a girl, my cousin. When my aunt became pregnant with my cousin, they told my parents that if it were another boy, they would give him up to my parents to raise. This is before I was born. My male cousins knew this at the time, were old enough to understand, and grew up knowing. My cousin also grew up knowing that if she had been a boy, she would have been my parent’s child. I was born and adopted 2 years after my cousin. ( I have no idea about my birth parents, but can assure you that I am not the biological child of any of the players here)</p>

<p>My cousin’s homelife was difficult. Since she was the desired girl, she was pampered to some degree- although in a very poor household, so not a lot material wise. But, unquestionably, she was the favored child of the group. Her older brothers went on to drug addiction, prison, mental retardation at birth in one case, and paranoid schizophrenia in another. Her only surviving sibling is 62, on disability and suffering from scizophrenia for the past 40 years. The other two died after many years in prison. </p>

<p>My parents were saints by comparison. My father was a stable hardworking man- my mother the salt of the earth. I always knew that I was adopted, as did my brother, and I never went through any great longing to discover my birth parents. My parents did an absolutely fantastic job of raising us as adopted children who were fully loved. Yet, for the extended family, our adoptions were always a topic of discussion. My brother, being so much younger than the rest of the kids in the family, really was odd man out on the extended scene. My parents, though lower middle class, did give me and my brother excellent educations and extracurriculars- dance, music, etc. The fact of the matter is that I was raised better than my cousin, had it a lot better and we both know it. She brings it up constantly to this day, with regret and longing that she hadn’t been born a boy. </p>

<p>Deep, deep issues here- hopefully they help clarify why I may not be the best person to help my cousin right now.</p>

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<p>Good point hmom. All the more reason I wish my cousin would get out of the way so that my D can get on with her life and seek help when she feels it necessary from better sources.</p>

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<p>also all the more reason for me to want to guide my D towards better social development on campus. And encourage the friendships there. </p>

<p>I know I am between a rock and a hard place here- very delicate situation/relationship that I have with each person involved. </p>

<p>hmom- thanks for the insights- they do remind me where to keep my focus.</p>

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<p>Dear Patiencema,</p>

<p>I feel sorry for you and your daughter. Your cousin sounds like a world-class manipulator and liar and my impression from what you’ve written so far is that agreeing to hold medical power of attorney (or whatever it’s called) for her would be a huge mistake. If I were you I would come clean to the cousin that your reason for refusing to consider doing it right now is because of her inappropriate behavior regarding your daughter: encouraging her to sneak, lie, badmouth her mother, etc. Possibly, the prospect of losing you from her life would make the cousin reconsider her pursuit of your daughter. If not, then (for the moment at least) make it clear that you are distancing yourself from her as much as possible.</p>

<p>With regards to your daughter, as most everyone here has said, and as your therapist seems to also say, you have to back off. She has to acquire the maturity and discretion you wish for her through experience. It may be that spoiling/sheltering her too much during her h.s. years was a mistake, but I don’t see how sheltering her now could possibly fix it. Just back off. Don’t make rules that in any way relate to the cousin, or to your daughter’s conduct of her social life. Rules that seem to make sense would be about maintaining an agreed-upon GPA. But don’t punish her for spending time with your cousin.</p>

<p>Is that overly 2-faced to bring off? Could you say to your daughter, in effect, “I think you are making a mistake, but I still love you, and I don’t believe this mistake has to be world-changing for you – you can still handle your college life adequately. You may later regret the time you wasted with my cousin, but I realize you have to come to that conclusion yourself.” </p>

<p>I also believe that letting your husband loose on the cousin sounds like a good idea. That, again, is not a conversation to which your daughter should be a party - that’s just between the two of you and your (crazy) cousin.</p>

<p>I do empathize. Your cousin is clearly very immature. At 55, she’s not likely to change considerably. Your daughter, on the other hand, might surprise you – I hope you have the inner resources to continue to have faith in her and to stand by her. Many people have a lot to learn and a lot of maturing to do at 18!</p>

<p>Best wishes.</p>

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<p>“also all the more reason for me to want to guide my D towards better social development on campus. And encourage the friendships there.” </p>

<p>Your daughter sounds unequipped to do those things, and she seems to be handling this by basically remaining a kid tied to a mommy. I don’t see any indication from what you’ve posted that her situation bothers your D. I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it. </p>

<p>Indeed, she may choose to spend the rest of her life being emotionally a child tied to some kind of mom figure. I have an acquaintance who didn’t grow out of this until her mother died when my friend was close to 50.</p>

<p>While I empathize with your desire to help your D make a transition to having the social skills and behavior commensurate with being an adult college student, given your probably being overly close and controlling before your D left home, it seems to me that if she started relying on you closely for support through her college transition that would only be perpetrating her lack of age-appropriate independence.</p>

<p>Given your description of the cousin, it may be that your best hope is that your cousin’s manipulative and inappropriate behavior eventually causes your D to break away and then do the hard work of becoming emotionally an independent adult.</p>

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<p>nsm-
Gee, thanks for that hopeful thought. </p>

<p>I agree that my D may be having a tough time socially and that she may be allowing herself or willfully tying herself to a substitute mommy. But, I do have hope that that can change. She made tremendous strides with the counselor here- surely that could continue if she wants to pursue it when she gets tired of my cousin. Of course, I can’t demand my D do counseling at this point- perhaps after grades come through it could be a part of the plan for improvement. But certainly not now- she is not asking for my guidance in social relationships, so I can’t give it.</p>

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<p>I think the number one question you should ask the therapist is whether you can be the one to socially guide your daughter. I think the answer will be no, she’ll hear the messages from someone other than mom much better.</p>

<p>Maybe the therapist can call DD as DD is not calling her. Maybe she can do some research and identify a good local therapist for DD and arrange a meeting.</p>

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<p>“Maybe the therapist can call DD as DD is not calling her. Maybe she can do some research and identify a good local therapist for DD and arrange a meeting.”</p>

<p>I don’t think the therapist can do that. It would be very inappropriate. </p>

<p>Keep in mind that there’s no indication that the D thinks she has a problem. In fact, the D probably is just as happy hanging out with her cousin as she was hanging out with her mother during high school instead of doing age-appropriate activities with her peers.</p>

<p>If the D does come to believe that she needs therapy, since she’s an adult, it would be up to her to choose a counselor.</p>

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<p>Oh, I agree- Maybe my wording before was misleading. I understand that I cannot be the one to give direct social guidance to my daughter. That has to come from a qualified individual to whom my D will listen. Right now, she’ s trying to get it from my cousin, who is definitely not qualified to give it. Hopefully she will see the error of that way and be interested in pursuing a different tack. </p>

<p>I will ask the therapist whether she can make a “touch base” call- whether she feels it warranted based on the current situation. My guess, but I’ll know in 2 hours, is that the plan will remain that we do nothing here at least until the grades come out. Then we figure out which way to go based on the tangible result of my daughter’s first semester difficulties.</p>

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<p>last post was response to hmom.<br>
Now to nsm- right- as of now, my daughter is not asking for anything to change with this situation. Therefore nothing I can do about it. Also- you’re right that the therapist calling my D doesn’t make sense-- not only would it be inappropriate for the therapist- (■■■■■■■■ for business) but it would also set off alarm bells in my D bigtime.</p>

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<p>Patience I’m curious, how does DD explain the problems with grades? It’s pretty hard to get D’s at an ivy, so if she is, something is going really wrong academically.</p>

<p>As for the therapist calling, it may indeed not be appropriate. In the case of my friend and her DD I referenced earlier, when the mom knew the DD was suffering and she could do nothing, she would have the therapist touch bases. DD likes the therapist very much. In this case the DD was always happy to have someone to listen. Could be very diffferent here though.</p>

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<p>If your daughter’s grades are so bad that she ends up on academic probation, she’ll likely be called in for a chat with the dean of students, who’ll help your D decide what to do.</p>

<p>There really are plenty of resources that could help your D. Bad grades also may be the wake-up call that your D needs to get on track particularly since she must have been a stellar student in h.s. to get into a top school. It’s very unlikely that a top high school student who lands in a top college will end up flunking out.</p>

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<p>One last thing: You seem to feel a lot of responsibility for your cousin’s unhappy life. You are under no obligation to be her friend, etc. While it is unfortunate that she had such an unhappy life, it’s not your fault. Her parents sound like very screwed up people to have planned to have planned to give her away if she had been a boy. Her parents’ screwed up thinking and plans don’t mean that you have responsibility for your cousin, an adult woman whom you aren’t close to and who is living a very sad life. Many people get bad breaks in parents, but have overcome much harder challenges than your cousin has faced.</p>

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<p>Hmom and nsm- thanks for these suggestions. She has not gotten any D’s yet- there is only the potential of one D based on what we know thus far. Then probably a C, a B and an A. This would not put her on academic probation. Therefore, meeting with dean or other resources would still be her choice, not the school’s. </p>

<p>Right now we are all praying for 1-2 C’s, 1-2B’s and the solid A. Never thought I’d be praying for a C for this girl.</p>

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<p>nsm- Thanks. I do feel some guilt that I lucked out when she didn’t. But my gut tells me to stay away from her right now unless she shows me some kind of growth that would allow further development of our relationship. That’s not likely. Even if it were- my D is my first priority, not my cousin.</p>

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<p>I have not read all the post so please forgive any redundancy…</p>

<p>I am reminded of the story line from Gilmore Girls when Rory quits talking with her mother and takes up with the hated (by mother) grandmother. Lorelie let her go and do her thing and eventually Rory came back. Grandmother and Lorelie continued to have a contentious relationship because grandmother kept trying to control Lorelie instead of letting her stand, or fall, on her own two adult feet.</p>

<p>I don’t think this is about you or the cousin, but about your daughter who is making a big transition. A procrastinator has a hard time in college and she is probably hearing the echos of moms nags ringing in her head everyday and she is escaping that by going to a cousin who only tells her wonderful things.</p>

<p>Please be secure in the knowledge that you raised her and she loves you and just because she is getting support from the cousin doesn’t take that away. She will come around in her own time if you let her work it out.</p>

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<p>“Hmom and nsm- thanks for these suggestions. She has not gotten any D’s yet- there is only the potential of one D based on what we know thus far. Then probably a C, a B and an A. This would not put her on academic probation. Therefore, meeting with dean or other resources would still be her choice, not the school’s.”</p>

<p>She’s a smart young woman who presumably has been very proud of her high grades. Having such a mediocre start to college more than likely will be a wake-up call.</p>

<p>Another wake-up call that will be coming will be her living arrangments for next year. Other students will be planning to room or dorm with friends, and will be making those arrangements. I think that it will be another wake-up call for her when she realizes that she isn’t so close to other students that she’s being included in their living plans for next year.</p>