<p>“. My D was a real homebody during high school and was fearful of dating, etc., although she had a few close friends.”</p>
<p>Given this, it surprises me that your D went so far away to college. Perhaps your D is leaning on your cousin so your D doesn’t really have to deal with the transition from you, having to make new friends, plan her own activities, etc. Seems to me like your D jumped from one very sheltering environment to another. She may have felt like she didn’t have the skills to cope with college such a distance from home without having some kind of mother figure almost glued to her.</p>
<p>I see we cross posted. Wow, medical power of attorney? It sounds like your cousin is desperate for you and your daughter to be her family. What a can of worms. It does sound like you have the thoughtfulness and caring nature to be able to get through this, though, whatever you decide to do. Best of luck to you.</p>
<p>good point nsm- one I am concerned about. It has also not escaped my attention that her first choice school happened to be my alma mater. I can honestly say that I never overtly pushed my alma mater. It just happened to be the #1 ranked school in the US, and she was very interested in that. It also happened to be a great fit in terms of course offerings and social atmosphere. We reserached it and visited extensively. She also really wanted to go far from home- would not even apply to the fine university we have here in our fair city.</p>
<p>bela- Oh yes, my cousin is desperate for family. She has said so. I would like nothing more than to have some family also. I am an only child and my husband’s family is dwindled, so we could certainly use some family support ourselves. But I don’t see that happening with my cousin, given this triangulated situation. </p>
<p>One of the reasons I am reconsidering the power of attorney is that I’m not too sure right now that I wouldn’t pull the plug if I had the chance- just kidding. Actually, there is also the issue of the circumstances under which she would want me to terminate life support- as a Catholic I must be certain that I could act within my moral conscience and still do as she wishes. I need to do some research on that.</p>
<p>If only there were a way to encourage BOTH of them to find friends their own age… </p>
<p>Either stroke OR divorce would be reason enough to search out a good support group. It sounds like she could really use the help of a professional, not an 18-year-old girl.</p>
<p>well, lspf72 had the same idea that I will express. If your husband is the father of your D–let him have at it. Quite frankly, this is out of control. If he has an opinion and has some idea of how he wants to deal with it----you might be surprised at the results. Your cousin WILL respond to him MUCH differently than to you. AND your D will also. There is a lot of history here but there is also a bottom line. Your D needs to make friends and spend time on campus. This is as important as her grades. Your cousin needs to take care of her own life. Sometimes the fathers can see that clearly but with an anger–which is what we mom’s do not like.</p>
<p>Some seem to be assuming that if the cousin backs off, the D will make friends on campus and live a normal college life, however from how her mom describes her, the D doesn’t seem particularly capable of finding friends and becoming involved in college activities the way more outgoing students do. After all, her mom describes the D’s high school behavior as being a homebody who was fearful of dating. </p>
<p>Presumably, too, if the D has been spending the bulk of her free time with her elderly cousin, her peers in college may think the D is strange or doesn’t want to be bothered with them. In all honesty, the D’s behavior is very different from the way most college students act. </p>
<p>We have seen several threads started by students who didn’t make friends fall semester of freshmen year, and then spring semester feel that other students have made close friends and aren’t interested in getting to know new people.</p>
<p>So, there’s the possibility that the D’s relationship with her cousin is filling a social void that would be difficult for the D to otherwise fill.</p>
<p>I agree 100% with you–however, if the cousin was not around the D might have-- or still might deal --with her social life in a different way. It is as if this D did not have that push of lonliness to make her own college life.</p>
<p>I will take up the idea of my husband talking to my cousin with the counselor. I agree that my cousin will deal differently with my husband. My D and he, however, don’t have the greatest of relationships. </p>
<p>Regarding my D’s friends on campus- I actually think she has some and that she has been exploring making friends, a lot. She and I are “friends” on facebook so from what I can tell from her page it looks like she does have fun things going on with campus pals. But I also see a lot of communication with the few friends from hs. She has no “close” tell everything to friends on campus. I was primarily that person for her in hs, along with a few others. That is what I think she is missing and misguidedly finding in my cousin. My cousin also needs a close tell everything to friend as well- it just shouldn’t be a college freshman. I have tried to be that for my cousin but she wants and needs someone who is physically closer to her. </p>
<p>So, I would not say that my cousin’s involvement has totally blocked my d from establishing herself on campus. D does seem to have a network there. The counselor here at home really helped my D come out of her shell and focus on the social aspects of her development. (Perhaps a little too much since I can tell my D is on facebook a lot- but I think that ties into the procrastination issues).</p>
<p>Also- my D is active on campus in two major extra activities- she is in the orchestra, and a chamber group she started and is working at the cafeteria. She loves music and many of the friends she has made there are fellow musicians or fellow residential college people met at dining hall, where she has performed as part of the college Friday night socials. </p>
<p>She learned a lot from her counselor about how to be friendly and engage and I think she is doing that. I do, however, think she still suffers from an inner lack of self- confidence, despite having a performing background.She has been doing music since kindergarten. I know it is a struggle for her to get close to kids her own age. That is the area of concern where I think my cousin is a problem- the more she hangs out “closely” with my cousin, the less need there is for her to try to get closer and develop those life long friendships at college. </p>
<p>I think my D uses my cousin as the “close one” to share all her feelings with- she needs to do that with college age kids. This is what she used to do with me and I recognized it was not healthy to have your mother be your best friend- hence counseling. I also think my D uses my cousin as yet another means to procrastinate and get good gifts while she’s at it. Not the best way to great character development.</p>
<p>I think it sounds like you have a good handle on your daughter, and I definitely think you are right to address this inappropriate situation with your cousin, whose presence can can only hamper her healthy immersion into college life.</p>
<p>I cringe when I look back at myself in HS! At 18 I dreaded talking to people, and even worse-- meeting people. I had a best friend who was the only person I spoke with. My parents were completely uninvolved. College provided a boost, a change of scenery and lifestyle, new friends, etc. Your daughter deserves the same without your cousin as a hindrance. I agree with oregon’s post 68. This isn’t to say that removing her from the situation would magically make everything a breeze for your daughter, but it could help, and the sooner the better. The hard part, of course is how to accomplish this. Wish I had better advice for you.</p>
<p>Because the cousin seems to want you in her life, why not take advantage of that? Find a support group for your cousin related to her health issues. Once she finds friends her own age she won’t be as dependent on your dd.</p>
<p>You don’t say- I am trying as best I can to be a part of my cousin’s life at this point, but I am 1300 miles away. As for a support group for her- she is attending one of the top stroke rehab centers in the US, where support groups abound. She is also in a divorce support group. She also happens to be a psychiatric nurse and is well aware of the support groups in her area. She also has a therapist who she sees monthly. (I think she needs more, but she doesn’t) I have suggested that I would be willing to conference call into a session with her counselor if she wishes. She blew me off on that one. I think she is having trouble paying for extra counseling. I cannot afford to pay for her counseling in addition to the counseling I attend to deal with this, not to mention college costs, etc. I sense strongly that her issues with me do go back to childhood.</p>
<p>Re: the medical power atty - at least cousin asked you and not your daughter (even more power/pressure on her).</p>
<p>Really, this seems to be your daughter’s problem, and if bad grades do result then address that. Keeping the moral high road seems like the best advice here.</p>
<p>regarding power of attny- you’re right- the last thing my D needs is to have to take that level of responsibility. Which makes me inclined to accept it since if I refuse, my cousin might be likely to ask my D- she doesn’t have anyone else. </p>
<p>Yes, there is much that is encouraging. And it is possible that my D is trying to un enmesh here. Just because my cousin bought the cell phone and is encouraging a coverup of contact doesn’t mean that my daughter will continue to engage in this deception. She might be caught up in it right now for a variety of reasons, including just the stress of finals. She ma, after reflection begin to see the ickiness of it all. I pray that she will. </p>
<p>Unless my counselor suggests anything different, I will not discuss the D situation again with my cousin- she is way too volatile. The only thing I can do with my cousin is continue to support her through her difficulties and try to be the friend long distance that she needs. </p>
<p>Unless my counselor suggests anything different, I will not discuss my cousin with my D. The only focus of any serious conversations I have with D will be about college life, grades, procrastination choices, etc. No analysis of my cousin.</p>
<p>The high road is the way to go for now as difficult as that may be.</p>
<p>When speaking with your dd, I would point out how happy you are that she is helping out your cousin. Nothing will change a teen-ager’s mind on a topic quicker than thinking she has her mom’s approval.</p>
<p>patiencema: I’m sorry this is happening in your life. Not at all what you were hoping for for your daughters college experience and I understand all your emotions.</p>
<p>I believe that this woman will become more and more demanding of your daughters time and that when your d attempts to back off even a little bit the woman will become increasingly demanding (read: nuts) and your d will see her in a new light.</p>
<p>Talk to everyone else to get it out of your system. If asked by d I would just comment on how you drifted apart due to her odd behaviors yrs ago and leave it at that.</p>
<p>The best parenting advice I ever got was to take lightly any hurtful behavior between the ages of 15-25. Young adults try on numerous hats, relationships, personas during this time to figure themselves out. They know you will always love them and be there for them so they take a bit of an advantage and are not always as nice as they should be. She’s your daughter. No one can EVER take your place. </p>
<p>Lots of great advice on here. Take what feels right, ignore what doesn’t and hang in there.</p>
<p>You guys have been great! It has helped a lot just venting and reviewing the totality of the situation. I will get back to you all on the outcome of my counseling session today and as the grade situation becomes clear. And to vent if my cousin does yet another outrageous thing. Which, I agree, sh will do. And pray that my D sees it for what it is.</p>
<p>I think what many here are ignoring is that there is a therapist involved here who has treated both mother and daughter, has the full background, and has told the mother to back off.</p>
<p>I don’t know anymore than the rest of you, but what I do know is there is a lot more to the story than the OP could possibly have told us in a few posts.</p>
<p>Personally, I think it’s very possible that the aunt feels she is helping a lonely and/or unhappy girl and that there is much more to what’s going on at college than meets the eye.</p>
<p>This story is very familiar to me in that I have a good friend in a similar place with her DD. She is a brilliant woman, a doctor, yet her own life circumstances and relationship with her own mother made her deal with DD is ways that don’t work. Over time it made me just crazy to watch the obvious to everyone else things she did that were controlling beyond belief. But she didn’t see it. They also share the same therapist, who over time, has helped her and DD immensely. They are now the best of friends. Yet she could log on today and tell us the latest incident and get similar advice to what’s being given here because we simply don’t have the background.</p>
<p>So I’m a little bit afraid folks here are encouraging the OP to do things a professional who knows them has told her not to do, which are not likely to help the situation and may well drive DD further into the arms of her aunt just to thwart her mom.</p>