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<p>Work on your English. Don’t be offended by “What?” or “I don’t understand you.”</p>
<p>This can be done. I have overcome intense shyness around people. If all else fails and I can’t think of something to say, I will find something to compliment them on. Not a fake compliment, but a sincere one. This almost always eases the moment and makes both of us comfortable. Smiling is also a big deal. I didn’t realize how hostile I used to look, when in reality I was just scared!</p>
<p>That book is called “The Journal of Best Practices” by David Finch. He does have Aspergers. In fact, what triggers his “project” is when his wife figures that out (he was undiagnosed). It is still a great story about a guy who is trying to learn social skills. </p>
<p>Thinking about what my D likes to talk about… TV shows (Dr. Who is a big one), the upcoming Hobbit movie, literature. She will talk about fencing, robotics, or bug collecting (hobbies of hers), but probably won’t bring them up unless someone else does first, as she considers them a bit odd. She actually loves to talk about politics, but is pretty careful to start with (sounding them out first, as not much kills a friendship faster these days than opposing political viewpoints). Here is the thing about conversation topics… it is okay to bring up most topics if someone else says something related, but monitor your audience. If they aren’t interested after one sentence, drop it. Don’t keep talking about it. </p>
<p>When you ask a question about a major or activity someone is involved in, listen carefully and follow up based on what they say. “Oh, you are a geology major? How did you get interested in that? Have you travelled to someplace with interesting geology? Did you ever read that book “Sex on the Moon” about the guy who stole the moon rock?” Etc. 
You may have a story or information to interject based on what they say, but be sure you don’t “Herminone Granger” them or try to one-up with a better/more exciting story.</p>
<p>Take a deck of cards to college, and if some people are just hanging around see if they want to play. Regular friendships can definitely form around that activity. You can let them pick the game (and teach you some new ones) if you aren’t much of a card player now. Just don’t bet money to start with…</p>
<p>One more thing. Of course you want to get good grades, but don’t spend all your time studying. If your dorm or hall has organized activities, go to them all, especially the first couple of months. If someone invites you to do something, go do it. Invite someone else you may have met to come along, even if you don’t know them well. Everyone is looking for friends those first few weeks, so really take advantage of that opportunity.</p>
<p>You can meet people in class, too. If people chat before or after class in the room, go a few minutes early or stick around after – don’t just rush out to get to the lunch line or library.</p>
<p>So I’m trying to talk to people, but I’m very awkward. Conversations usually go like this:
I: <em>Hey! Nice to meet you! My name is (my name)
Person :</em>Hey. Nice to meet you too, I’m ______
I: _ So, what do you want to major in?
Person: _ (Their major). How about you?
I: _ (My major). So, what makes you want to choose that major?
Person: _ I went to a summer camp and I really liked it.
And we talked some more. Then it was awkward silence. No conversations could develop.
I don’t watch TV, though I do some movies, so I’m completely oblivious about shows. I don’t watch football or basketball or baseball. I don’t look up cars. I am just so different in term of my extra-curriculars: Teaching my language, making music in my language, and other stuff that I do alone. Most of my ECs are alone.
I feel extremely awkward, especially 1 on 1.</p>
<p>I agree it benefits all of us to sometimes read up on Aspergers tips. We ALL have things we do that, at times, backfire. </p>
<p>Some people are quirky and having interesting random thoughts to share- many comedians, eg, talk about feeling like a misfit in hs, then turning that “talent” into gold. Many great intellectuals eventually become popular for the interesting perspectives they offer us. </p>
<p>But, there’s a difference when what you say is just plain odd or doesn’t at all fit with the conversation you just butted into. You have to try to see the difference. People, in general, don’t want to have to stop, scratch their heads, ask theselves why you said that and what you meant. They don’t want their conversations derailed because you just had to interject something. Try to learn to go with the flow. </p>
<p>This isn’t surpressing yourself or hiding your true self. It’s learning to be your own traffic cop, deciding what to let out and when. You might enjoy this notion that you can be in control, this way.</p>
<p>Posters are giving advice to go out and meet people, take the initiative, keep your door open, join others, engage them, etc. All good. But, try not to be pushy about this. Have a smile for all, but just start with approaching a few. If that doesn’t work, next time try a few others. </p>
<p>I do agree you will find more interesting people in college. There’s usually a sorting out in college- it’s not everyone in your district going to one hs or another. Just take this one step at a time.</p>
<p>*Adding: My response to your post above: that’s okay! Plenty of us have small interactions wind down like that. Rather than want more or feel at a loss, or worry that you ran out of talk, you can take a breath, smile and say, “Nice talking to you, hope I’ll see you around.” Wait for him to close, too, then nicely be on your way. Have a smile or a nod of acknowledgement next time you see him, see what happens. (And, try to remember his name- that’s the most amazing Dale Carnege trick.)</p>
<p>(They call 'em social skills because, like a sport or some academic strength, it takes practice, some learning the rules, and having the will to keep trying.)</p>
<p>ljfromwarning – you can turn over a new leaf and be social in college, but it will take work:</p>
<p>(1) Get out and meet people. Don’t just lurk in your dorm room or the library – get out of your room, join study groups. In the cafeteria, don’t eat alone – find someone else who is alone at a table, ask to sit with them, and try to engage them in conversation. Join clubs, especially ones that encourage activities with other people. At the clubs, volunteer to help with things – even simple things like putting away chairs after a meeting. </p>
<p>(2) Attend as many new student activities and “welcome events” as you can. Talk with people there.</p>
<p>(3) Wander the halls of your dorm and say “hi!” to people. When they say “hi!” back, ask them how they’re doing. </p>
<p>(4) Do more listening than talking. (Re-read posts #2, #15, #23)</p>
<p>(5) Learn more about what most of your peers are interested in. Listen to the “hits” music station for one cycle every few weeks (this won’t take long, they replay the same 20~40 songs over and over). If you don’t watch TV, at least read the Wikipedia summaries of the most popular shows. (This skill of getting getting the gist from skimming study guides will come in handy in your classes, too!) If your college has a summer reading list, even if it’s optional, read (or at least skim) the books so you will be prepared to discuss them.</p>
<p>(6) Smile, be friendly, learn people’s names and at least one factoid about them, so you can greet them by name and have something to ask them about next time you see them. (Re-read posts #12, #22, #26)</p>
<p>Your idea of practicing over the summer in your own town is brilliant. Start by going places where people congregate – like the library (volunteer for a read-to-children program or for an adult-literacy program). If your town does a concert-in-the-park or movie-in-the-park series, go, introduce yourself to people sitting in the outskirts, ask to sit with them, and engage them in conversation (during breaks in the program), maybe bring some snack foods to share (sharing food helps lubricate conversation, and gives you something to do during awkward silences). If there’s a senior center or assisted living facility in your town, go volunteer there, maybe offer to play a concert of your culture’s music, and practice conversing with the residents. </p>
<p>You’ve already taken the most important step, which is realizing that you want to change and making a commitment to changing. Now you just have to go do it. The first few steps are the hardest, and it will get easier and more rewarding with practice.</p>
<p>I lived in a foreign country and, at first, couldn’t speak the language, but had to be out and about, in various situations. I learned to envision the interactions beforehand and practice key sentences. (If he asks this, I can say that.) OP can do the same with socializing. It doesn’t matter if he’s not interested in popular culture. He can learn a few lines that work to keep things going. Then, learn when it’s time to exit, not hold the other guy captive, so to speak.</p>
<p>This should be about gently making contacts and letting things build on their own, over time- not “buttonholing” or trying so hard that others are overwhelmed. One step at a time. Not too much, not too little, just right.</p>
<p>how do you learn those sentences? and wouldn’t it be very canned?</p>
<p>Just to point out the obvious (if you’re looking), I’m a parent of a quirky kid. Limabeans01 is a college student.</p>
<p>I agree with the reminder for you to use a “filter”. You might be saying something totally unrelated to what’s being said because you’re disengaged in the current discussion and have an unrelated random thought. The important part is to stay connected to those around you. When you are not in the midst of a conversation, look at those who are talking. When you speak, people will listen. It’s a typical thing to do. But, if you say something totally random (aka weird), you will allienate those around you.</p>
<p>So, in addition to using a filter, be sure to look at others. Make eye contact. You’ll learn an awful lot just by looking at body language. You don’t want to stare, or keep an extended focus, but look to see if someone is sending you signals, like agreeing with something you/others said. I read a study once that said people can pick up something like 90% of the clues in a conversation just by watching body language, especially facial expressions.</p>
<p>And here’s something you should practice as well: know the names of the people you are speaking with and at least once during a conversation, use their name. It just shows you’re paying attention.</p>
<p>
It’s not so much memorizing a script of lines, as it is developing and maintaining a genuine attitude of gentle curiosity and friendly interest in other people. All in contrast to measuring in your own mind, during a conversation, “how’m I doing here?” Relax, listen and think about them not yourself, and things will start to go better and flow for you.</p>
<p>So, for example, if someone’s talking about a TV show you haven’t seen, you don’t have to have seen it to add a comment about it. You could instead ask, “Which character do you like most?” or “Do you think it’s gotten better since it started?” that kind of thing. You don’t have to agree or disagree with any of the answers. You’re just asking a follow-up question there, to keep conversation going. Your actual interest isn’t in the TV show anyway! What you are curious about is who is this person in front of you, what makes him “tick” (old expression - like the old clocks used to tick). So really, why HE likes the show tells you something about him, and the point is you’re getting to be a little more comfortable talking with him. The show itself is just a mindless talking point. </p>
<p>I am surrounded by a city full of people who love professional sports. I could care less! I barely know which season we’re in for which team. But when someone is excited about last night’s game, I do pull out a few standard questions just to stay in the conversation: 1. “Where did you watch it?” (they get into talking about ‘at home’ or tell about their infield seats in person, and they’re so happy to talk I just listen and watch them glow)</p>
<ol>
<li><p>“I know, right? – Xperson said it was a great game (or, a lousy game), too.” So you’re affirming the other person, based on someone else’s comment. That’s okay. It keeps you from having to agree or disagree with something you know nothing about!</p></li>
<li><p>“What do you think will happen next (in the TV show, on the football team, etc)?” Let the other guy use his imagination and have fun.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>And when they ask me (as they always do), “Did YOU see the game?” I just bounce that right back with a friendly smile, “No, I missed it. But it sounds like it was good! (or bad!).” I don’t have to go on about how I really hate sports. That’s just cutting off their pleasure. Why do that?</p>
<p>Remember that most of the time people talk about TV shows, movies, ball games, etc. it’s because they LIKE them and feel happy to talk about them. (After you’ve been to a fine concert, you probably WISH you had someone to spill too, also. It just extends the joy.)</p>
<p>In general, if people feel happy while they’re talking with you, they’ll have a good memory of the time, and LIKE you because of that memory. </p>
<p>So I just keep people talking about whatever makes them happy. In my generation, I ask people to tell me about their grandchildren (even though I’m so jealous I could spit!). I don’t know what it’s like and have nothing to add. But I watch them be happy talking about it. And I go on record in their memory as someone “nice” who’s interested in them.</p>
<p>That’s my simple strategy for making new friends. I don’t influence people so much, in a business sense, but I do make friends by showing curiosity and interest in whatEVER makes them happy to discuss.</p>
<p>Once I know them a lot better, I get into things that I like, and they might not know as much about. Eventually, with my real friends of some duration, I know which are the areas of mutual interest, and where we each have interests that aren’t worth discussing with each other. But that’s after the relationship has gotten off the ground a bit.</p>
<p>If you are concerned about your accent, see if you cam pick up a copy of American Accent Training by Ann Cook. If it is’t available at your public library, you can find it on Amazon for about $30 or $40. Some of the specific exercises may seem silly at first, but her methodology is solid. Improving your accent takes time, but it can be done.</p>
<p>I used that. My accent is fine a lot of time, but when I’m tired or sleepy, that’s when it’s shown.</p>
<p>You asked about learning the sentences- try not to think of it as canned, more like you are coaching yourself. Same way you might run through different math calculations, not knowing exactly which ones will show up on the test. Or, in other classes, you might coach yourself: if the essay question is x, here’s the approach my answer will take.</p>
<p>When you spend a lot of time alone, you don’t get the social practice and you can lose confidence- I want to mention that when you wrote that you spend time “teaching my language, making music in my language,” I was interested. I wonder what that language is what sort of unique music it is, why you came to the US, what you like here. You see it as a loner thing. I don’t think you realize that, sometimes, by sharing a few details about ourselves, we can interest others.</p>
<p>More later about the sentences, if the thread stays in that direction. Paying3 makes many good points- it’s about successful chatter. How you interact validates the other guy, makes him feel okay. Not too much, not too little, just right. Baby steps, at first.</p>
<p>Lots of good advice here…didn’t read it all.</p>
<p>I think if you are just a good listener, that’s a wonderful thing. So after the initial conversations of hi, how are you, nice weather, etc. if you show an interest in the other person, they may be happy to talk about themselves & their major. Just be curious (even if you have to remind yourself to be curious!) and ask questions and let them talk. </p>
<p>I used to not be as interested in other people as I am now. I wouldn’t think of obvious ways to extend the conversation. But as I got older I got less self-centered (I guess) and more interested in other people. </p>
<p>If you have something in common, you can talk about that, but sometimes it’s better if you have NOTHING in common. You can ask all about their major, or hobby, or the town they’re from that’s so different from yours, etc.</p>
<p>OP, I’m a lot like you. I say very random things all the time, have no filter, and on the whole, have very poor social skills. But I think I had an adequate social life senior year because I found a good group of people and was willing to put myself out there when there was time to hang out. I’m not sure what to do, but I don’t think having a social life really requires social skills.</p>
<p>^You may be correct.</p>
<p>Sometimes it’s a matter of finding people who like you for who you are. If they are other brainy types, they will like you for your intellect & the occasional addition you make to the high-level conversation, and your listening skills. It won’t matter if you don’t keep up with sports teams, the latest reality TV show, or local gossip.</p>
<p>It goes without saying, but avoid the Queen Bee types who judge you on what you wear, or how beautiful you are. I don’t run into them so much anymore (SO high school!) but they are still out there, and will subtly delete you from the conversation. I don’t know how they do it, but it’s a real downer. I start to feel I must have spinach between my teeth or something. :D</p>
<p>When I was high school and college, I used to get American sayings wrong all the time. People would look at me weird sometimes, but often they would start laughing when they finally got what I was saying. I would laugh with them too. When I got mad my accent would also to come out, people would also make fun of me, and it would usually get me out of my anger.</p>
<p>When D2 moved to a new country and to a new HS junior year, she didn’t speak the language too well and she didn’t know very many people. One day in class, she was rocking her chair, and fell flat on her butt in front of the whole class. One boy started to laugh, and D2 started to laugh with him, so the whole class burst out laughing. D2 is very attractive, but serious looking, so people generally wouldn’t expect her to be uncordinated and funny. After the fall, people became a lot friendlier.</p>
<p>It is good to have a bit of sense of humor and not take everything so seriously. The ability to laugh at oneself is also a good way to attract other people.</p>
<p>My kids like to make friends across different cliques. There is no need to limit yourself to one particular group. D2 likes smart, nice kids, often those kids do not care to hang out with “popular” kids. D2 got invited to their parties, she would get herself dolled up and party with them. She said those “popular kids” are no different than other kids.</p>
<p>A good way to learn social skills is by interacting with people face to face. I like paying3tutions tips. I am also not a sports fan and have struggled every Mon in the office.</p>
<p>Happydad’s accent comes and goes too, and there are some subjects that suddenly get him started speaking in his other language as though there is an on-off button in his brain. The psycho-emotional factors that can affect language are truly fascinating!</p>
<p>What book would you guys suggest to improve my social skills/ how to have a social life?</p>