<p>I am in a rut.</p>
<p>School:
I am an electrical engineering major who just completed my freshmen year of college. The fall semester, I did ok. Grades weren't great (completely all my fault), but they weren't bad. I completely screwed up the spring semester (completely all my fault as well). I know for a fact I lost whatever small scholarships I had.</p>
<p>In my fall semester, I lived in a double with a roommate, in a suite with three other people. I was miserable and got along with none of them. Later that semester, I transferred to another dorm, which was a suite of four singles. I lived better there, because every one kept to themselves, but I still wasn't completely happy.</p>
<p>High School Information:
In high school, freshmen and sophomore year, I did really well, had good grades, etc. Still antisocial and miserable. Junior year, I went to that high school half day, and went to a tech center 45 minutes away, and I didn't do that great. Parental pressure increased probably due to all the college choices and stuff. Senior year, I continued to go to high school half day, and the for other half of day, I either went take a college course at the college I attend now or worked.</p>
<p>Parents:
We have a very combative relationship. They were too busy working four jobs together that I never really saw them. I can honestly say, they stopped being there for me after I reached the sweet age of like, 9.</p>
<p>They screwed up parenting me (see below), and honestly, we could never see eye-to-eye for anything, including what I'm allowed to do (chores), gender roles my culture expects me to abide by (girls should not hang out with friends, stay over at friends' house, should always be at home doing chores), what I'm allowed to wear (yelled at me for preferring to wear boys' shorts because they were longer and looser), who my friends should be (girls), etc. My parents also did and said some things that people consider emotional abuse (they remind me that I should be grateful that they didn't leave me on the streets to die, that they could have abandoned me in Cambodia, that I should be grateful that my parents feed me instead of forcing me to work at age 8, lashings for anything and everything start at an incremental 10). Lovely.</p>
<p>Fast forward to now, and they have quite a bit of money. As in, they have so much, they already bought a third house and planning on buying a sixth car. </p>
<p>Oh, and I disappointed my dad for not being accepted into UVA and majoring in business. My parents absolutely disapprove of me going to some mediocre state school (VCU) majoring in something they don't consider profitable (EE). Ever since I spent half an hour on the UVA application to get a lovely rejection, my dad's been pushing me to transfer schools that are in-state. This is my dad's way of telling me to transfer to UVA without having to say it, despite knowing I screwed up spring semester.</p>
<p>Now, the problem is, I am in not in the best mental, emotional, or physical state for college. They did not allow me to have a gap year.</p>
<p>Doctors:
After 18 years of feeling highly anxious, always aggressive, depressed, stressed out, emotionally worn out, etc etc I finally listened to some friends' advice and went to see a psychologist. In short, I have depression and an anxiety disorder (which could include ADHD, but we don't know how much of my ADD is due to actual ADD and not depression and other anxieties). I live in an unhealthy and un-nurturing environment that are either the cause or will aggravate my depression and anxiety (at home, with parents). My psychologist feels that in short of actually severing all ties with my parents, I should go to a psychiatrist and get a prescription for anti-depressants, work on coping skills, and hold out until I get my degree.</p>
<p>The problem is, my parents hold a very, very negative opinion on psychologists, psychiatrists, and the medications associated with them. When I explained to them why I needed to go see one, and what the psychiatrist said, they called BS and said I am lying.</p>
<p>I eventually did something very smart and told them that they, my parents, are either the cause or aggravated my depression and anxiety. After weeks and weeks of them yelling at me, I went on and argued with them some more about it. My parents think I've been poisoned by the American culture (I was born and raised in the US, they weren't), on top of all the other negative qualities they've always thought about me. As in, the ONLY positive thing they could say about me is that I am intelligent. My mom said that I've been such a rotten kid ever since I was little that she gave up hope on me ever being a decent person, and said, "Quite frankly, I don't care about you" (in Chinese, of course). I admit, when I was younger, I lied, stole, cheated, and got into fights. I was young, every one else did it too, and my parents thought it was the teacher who was supposed to do the parenting. So quite honestly, they didn't teach me squat. My parents' idea of teaching me morals was beating me until I looked like a wet raisin whenever I did anything wrong. My dad agrees with her, and they both want to kick me out unless I live "peacefully" and follow all of their rules, which I know would involve me working on transfer applications and majoring in a field I have absolutely no interest in. At the rate I'm going, I rather just drink rat poison and die in my sleep.</p>
<p>Choices:
So, I am in a rut. My parents are begrudgingly funding my college. My dad said he will not pay if I will not listen to him, and by "listen," he means going to the school he wants me to go to and majoring in the thing he wants me to go to. We've been arguing about that for almost three years now. My mom does not care any more, and she's only paying to keep the peace.</p>
<p>My parents want to kick me out. They'll probably stop paying for my college. They refuse to acknowledge that they screwed up parenting me, and believe that I got to where I am today because I am a spoiled, rotten kid who is destined for failure. I cannot claim independence. My workplace is have financial troubles, and it is unlikely I will be employed for long.</p>
<p>So, I don't know what I should do. I've talked to a psychologist, and I plan on talking to my university adviser to explain why I've messed up so much. I can't stand living with my parents. If I want to continue having insurance, I have to be a full time student. I can probably talk my parents into helping me co-sign a loan, but I'm looking at: $700/month for rent + utilities x 12 months because of the leases, $200/month for food, $8-8.2k/year for tuition, books, and supplies. That means I'm looking close to a $60k loan, if I could even get it. I shouldn't work during the school year any more because I'm looking at 18 credits semesters for the next five semesters, and engineering is really hard.</p>
<p>I don't really know what I should do. Can someone give me any advice? And some advice on private loans and such?</p>
<p>Additional information after the edit:
Today, I've stopped the stealing, cheating, and fighting. I do the "lie by omission" with my parents, since telling them the truth does not end well. I am, and was always, a reserved person unless I get angry. I don't party, do drugs, drink, that kind of thing. I have a job, I'm in college, and I don't have a criminal record. But my parents just won't be happy with that.</p>
<p>I have been prescribed Zoloft, and been told to take melatonin, and if that doesn't work, I've been given a prescription for Trozodone.</p>