I am a walking time-bomb, and I need advice

Parent Cafe
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<p>Lalah–good, strong response–shows how resilient you have learned to be in the face of a certain lack of compassion.</p>

<p>to some posters: Lalah didn’t ask for sympathy; she asked for advice on how to proceed. She gave the parameters of the situation, and the problems. She described a situation (one that I think would horrify you to imagine your own kids living through) of savage beatings, mean-spirited contempt, and a lack of love, to explain how she is where she is, and also who she is. I think she needs concrete advice, not kneejerk judgmentalism.</p>

<p>Lalah, it seems to me there are two main goals here. First, take care of your mental/emotional health, and second, be able to succeed and graduate in the (very practical) program you are in.</p>

<p>As for the first–there are mental health counselors at your school who are part of your tuition. They can be a first line of help, and may be able to provide psychiatric levels of help, or there may be doctors associated with your school. additionally, many schools have social workers that could steer a student toward mental health clinics which may be able to help someone in your situation. Definitely, reach out to the wellness center of your college for all possible direction and aid.</p>

<p>As far as staying in school–start with the FA office. They may be able to help you with a dependency override (possible but longshot.) They are also the place to go to find out what’s possible in loans, both governmetn and private industry loans. Lay out all the facts with them and see if they can help. </p>

<p>The worse case scenario may you be have to proceed more slowly with the program. If you want to accept your parents’ money (big IF) you could go to a state school, take gen ed prereq courses that could transfer to an EE degree, then pay yourself (thru work/loans, etc) the EE part of your degree. At 24, you will be independent and more likely eligible for grant aid.</p>

<p>So, my main suggestions are–talk to the Wellness people at your school, and talk to Financial aid. These are areas your regular advisor might not be versed in. You need the experts. </p>

<p>And, as long as you are in school, make getting good grades your absolute priority–it’s the best gift you can give yourself.</p>

<p>Don’t let your past define who you are, and don’t let present judgments get you down. You are a strong person, and you can find a path through this.</p>

<p>Best wishes, Garland</p>

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<p>nysmile: I’m sorry, let me clarify:
1.) When I say “they have quite a bit of money,” I meant that they have it in terms of assets that would take time to liquify, and not in cash or savings accounts.</p>

<p>2.) They meant they could put me in an airplane with them, go to a “vacation” in Cambodia, and just abandon me there.</p>

<p>3.) “Not so much anymore” means they have already paid for the first year, and they do not plan on doing it any more.</p>

<p>4.) I wish I could be one of those people can always be happy and positive. But at least my friends are like that, and that’s a start.</p>

<p>APOL: Thank you. :slight_smile: My goal in life right now is just to be happy, and I know I’m not going to find it through material possessions or my worth in dollars. It is depressing when my parents can’t support that.</p>

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<p>Garland, thank you. I’m not familiar with the services my school provides, but I’ll keep that in mind and will be sure to look into it the next time I am on campus.</p>

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<p>You’re quite welcome, Lalah. Here is a place to start:</p>

<p>[VCU</a> Bulletins :: Undergraduate study](<a href=“http://www.pubapps.vcu.edu/bulletins/undergraduate/?uid=10119&iid=30951]VCU”>http://www.pubapps.vcu.edu/bulletins/undergraduate/?uid=10119&iid=30951)</p>

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<p>Lalah, sorry that you are having a difficult time. College and classes can be difficult when you are not fully engaged and held back by various issues. I won’t pretend to know the exact nature of all of your problems but my gut feelings are that your parents will not abandon you even after all the things you have done to upset them. Asian parents can be very tough on their kids but deep down they would go through great length for their kids no matter what happen. The key here is you must do your part to take control of things. Step away from the edge and try to change things that you can control for the better. Don’t let problems control you, you have the power to control all aspects of your life. Another advice I have would be to find something positive to do outside of school work, join some sort of school activity that you can make impact whether it be hobby, sports or clubs. There must be something that you are reasonably good at and enjoy at your school. Good luck.</p>

<p>BTW, EE is a perfectly good major (speaking from experience).</p>

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<p>Nothing in the long run was more helpful to me than being on my own since age 17. My mother was incapacitated and ill and unemployed and my father was completely absent. </p>

<p>My first instinct was to blame my parents for what they had not provided me. The next quick realization was that blaming them did not improve my lot. So I grew up quick, and made my own decisions. Learned to be accountable too - people really like that. Being poor with a future is not really “poor” - it really means lots of freedom from all sorts of things - including materialism. I remember starting my first real job and rejoicing that I could afford Velveeta cheese! What a great simple pleasure!</p>

<p>One part that I did not get over easily - and why I share sympathies with you - was the emotional part inasmuch as I did not come into contact with or understand the notion of unconditional love from parents or others. So deep down I had a chip on my shoulder. It took me until my 30’s to start to lose that chip - need I suggest you learn from those with experience and who have made mistakes and get rid of that chip as fast as you can? And quit viewing yourself as an outsider here in America - your life reflects exactly the kind of opportunity America can offer - embrace it without reference to your parents. </p>

<p>If in sessions with your counselor indicate that medication would help you quell the negative emotions, heck, try them. But the medication is a tool, and like everything else, it needs to be used correctly. </p>

<p>By the way, I would find a way - even if delayed - to stay at VCU. My guess is that you can easily do the work when you obtain a bit more maturity (not critical, just the way things usually happen with young people). College for most is more than about getting a job - it really is about developing one’s self. Just stick to that for now.</p>

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<p>ttparent: Thank you for your advice. I’m working harder on becoming more lucid when I am angry, it’s getting somewhere.</p>

<p>I’m not a people person at all. It’s not like I give off a toxic vibe or anything, and I can get along with people. It’s just very rare that I actually become close friends with people and not just acquaintances who I talk to from time to time. I’m always amazed at the people who could just charm everybody they talk to. I don’t understand how that works.</p>

<p>Other than that, I knit. And knitting isn’t exactly a social sport.</p>

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<p>Lalah - I am not going to apologize for not sugar coating reality. Go back and re-read your original post - there was definitely some whining in there.</p>

<p>I feel for you - honestly, in that your life is not what you would like it to be. I can’t imagine what good will come of permanent estrangement from your parents. Your life will be much more difficult for many more years. </p>

<p>It will be virtually impossible to get financial aid and loans without your parents help. You probably don’t have any credit and will need a co-signer for any private loans that you may want to secure. If you want to be completely independent, you will have to get a job, a place to live, health ins. etc. School will not be a priority, making rent every month will be.</p>

<p>I totally agree with the idea of finding a counselor who is experienced in immigrant issues and parent/child relationships. Sounds like an excellent start.</p>

<p>I am not sure what your parents expect from you going forward - if your father expects you to transfer to UVa that isn’t going to happen.</p>

<p>Lastly, if you are going to put forth the time and effort (not to mention money) to go to school then concentrate on school. Make it your number one priority and do it for yourself. Don’t go for your parents. If your personal issues are overwhelming then you may need to take some time off school to get your life in order. Good Luck, kiddo.</p>

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<p>man1959, thanks! That is exactly how I feel! That phrase is “chip on my shoulder.” I know that just being bitter and hating life isn’t going to do me any good, but it’s hard to stop being bitter and hating life when that’s what I’ve always known. Right now, I feel like my emotions are still so binary.</p>

<p>Maybe negative Nancies attract each other or something. It just feels like most of the people I see are either innately happy or kind of like me: sort of depressed because of things not in their control. And more likely than not, most of the latter ended up doing not that great, like successfully having kids before high school graduation (successfully means that girl wanted them, and they weren’t accidents) and dealing drugs and stuff.</p>

<p>I guess it’s because I’m so young and immature that I don’t see it?</p>

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<p>JustAMomOf4: I’m not asking for an apology, and yes, there is whining in there. It’s not like I can be unbiased when I’m presenting that kind of emotionally-painful background information, you know? If there’s a way, by all means, show me how.</p>

<p>The thing is, I know I can’t be permanently estranged from my parents. I mean, even though the hand that feeds me is also the hand that strikes me, they’re my parents. They gave birth to me and they kept me alive for 18 years. If nothing else, I should be thankful that I’m alive? It’s going to take a long time before I will be able to completely move on and forgive them, but for now, I feel like they’re going to make it worse. I know that my life will be much harder, but I don’t feel like my parents will be able to support me through it, except for maybe just co-signing things for me, with their understanding that I am to repay it all.</p>

<p>Thanks for your advice.</p>

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<p>I didn’t read all the responses yet but I want to share something with the op. Your parents sound a bit like mine. I felt the same way as the op long time ago.</p>

<p>What I did was, I left home and found a job to support myself through college. I am not suggesting you do the same as it was tremendously hard. My grades suffered a lot as a result of the stress and time working so it may not be worth that price for you. </p>

<p>I am much older now and I am quite comfortable and secure in life. So my story has a happy ending. </p>

<p>After many years of an difficult relationship with my parents I am on good terms with them. I think they are even very proud of me. <em>shrug</em> I recognize my parents are limited but not toxic. I think some time in the future you will find out the same about yours. They may not show their love for you in the right way, criticize and put you down instead of encourage and support you but in their way, by working at their 4 jobs and attaining some measure of financial security they are. I think in their world love = provide and care= control.</p>

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<p>munchkin, that all is what my parents say. Unfortunately, I just don’t understand it. Why do they constantly remind me that I should be grateful that they bother to do all? I don’t know how to cope when I’m constantly reminded that I should just be grateful to be alive. It’s not it was a right completely within my control, but a privilege controlled by my parents. I keep thinking, “Thanks, parents, for my wretched experience. I guess if I die here tonight, it’d be a relief for you.” How do you go on with that?</p>

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<p>I rarely have anything to offer in these threads… but you might want to see if your local yarn store has drop-in knitting sessions. These are quite common and they’re like the old “quilting bees”-- a place to relax, and chat, and share your experiences with people who share your hobby. There are on-line forums for knitters too.</p>

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<p>Lalah,
I’m not sure if the title of this thread was hyperbolic to express how much pain you’re experiencing, or if saying you were a walking time bomb means that you’re concerned you’re going to “blow up” and harm yourself or someone else. If this is how you feel, it is even more important that you get yourself some support right now. It sounds as if you have a current therapist, and I hope you are sharing the depth of your “walking time bomb” feelings with her. Also, if you feel a need to talk with someone who is specifically dedicated to addressing emotional and family issues with people from your cultural background as well, there seem to be mental health services throughout the DC/Maryland/VA area that might be of help. One place you could call that fully understands domestic violence issues in South Asian Families is at DVRP, the Asian/Pacific Islander Domestic Violence Resource Project. They are in DC but I suspect that they would have local referrals for you who would understand (literally) where you are coming from. If you would like to speak to someone from a similar background, there is also an association of South Asian mental health professionals. This is their website is: South Asian Psychological Networking Association. It should be possible for you to find a referral to a therapist, or a list of possibilities, through this organization. If you need to just talk to someone about your feelings 24/7, this is the phone number for a hotline where you will always find a sympathetic ear, 1-800-273-TALK
.</p>

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<p>They act that way because it was the way they were brought up and they don’t know any better. I bet their parents were even harder on them. The culture is very parents/elder based and the children are expected to fit in, whereas in our American family culture we are child centric. Do you notice that in a western wedding, the wedding honors the bride? Guess who is the center of an Asian wedding ? It is the parents who are honored ! (Speaking for Chinese influenced culture only.)</p>

<p>Are you an only child or the oldest ? What kind of work does your parents do ? I venture to guess it is not an easy type of work and they work very hard.</p>

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<p>Sorry, the links to organzations I listed didn’t come up in my post. The Asian/Pacific Islander Domestic Violence Project is at [DVRP</a> Contact Us](<a href=“http://www.dvrp.org/contact.htm]DVRP”>http://www.dvrp.org/contact.htm). The South Asian Pacific mental health professionals are at [About</a> Us](<a href=“http://www.ourSAPNA.org%5DAbout”>http://www.ourSAPNA.org). A more complete listing of mental health services available to you, including some low cost clinics, can be found at [South</a> Asian and Mental Health Resources | Counselors Helping (South) Asians / Indians](<a href=“http://www.chaicounselors.org/resources/links]South”>http://www.chaicounselors.org/resources/links).</p>

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<p>Continue to surround yourself with your positive friends. You will find your way through this mess. Talk, talk, and talk rather than keep all of this bottled inside. Find a good outlet–art, working out, long walks, music, friends, or a new hobby. Follow up with your counselor.</p>

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<p>I reread the op, honestly I could have written that when I was in college. My dad constantly told me, if I didn’t listen to him he would throw me out , starting when I was … maybe I was 12 ?? </p>

<p>Eventually of course that’s what I did. Then they were so shocked and ashamed to have a daughter that didn’t live with them. They were most ashamed of me in front of the relatives. I brought dishonor upon the family.</p>

<p>I know now, when push come to shove, they (actually it was just my dad who was verbally abusive and said the most hurtful things) were all talk and bluff. Dad constantly threatened to cut me off but have no intention to. I didn’t see it at that time but if I had threatened to drop out, stopped schooling, went off and got a job at McD or whatever and never bothered to go to college he would probably stop the put downs. How did I know ? Because my younger brother was not strong academically and did not complete college, and my parents tried everything they can to bribe him, no expense was spared in his case.</p>

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<p>‘that all is what my parents say. Unfortunately, I just don’t understand it. Why do they constantly remind me that I should be grateful that they bother to do all?’</p>

<p>Have you visited Cambodia? It’s one of the poorest countries in the world. There are many people there who have nothing – not shelter, not food, not a hope of a chance of education.</p>

<p>Your parents must have been courageous and lucky to have overcome the odds to have relocated to the U.S. Bad as parts of your life have been (and I agree that beating you until you were bruised was child abuse), more than likely, your upbringing was far more comfortable than what your parents experienced.</p>

<p>You complain about their working 4 jobs, but their strong work ethic is what helped you get a relatively comfortable life compared to what they must have had through most of their lives.</p>

<p>Have you ever expressed admiration and appreciation to them for what they’ve done with their lives, and what kind of opportunities their hard work has allowed you to have? Doing this may help your parents look more kindly on you. Right now, they probably view as spoiled and ungrateful because you’ve had opportunities that they never had at your age, and you’ve been basically handed things by your parents that your parents had to work extremely hard to get, far harder than you’ll more than likely ever have to work.</p>

<p>Incidentally, I, too, am the offspring of an immigrant, so I have empathy for your experience.</p>

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<p>Nester, I choose that title because it stands for both. Thank you for that information. I will be sure to look into that.</p>

<p>munchkin, I don’t really understand how weddings work, because in my family, we do this Chinese/Vietnamese hybrid styled wedding. I haven’t been to many of them to observe that.</p>

<p>I am the oldest child; I have two younger brothers. The elder of the two brothers feels the same way I do about our parents, but he’s a bit more passive about it. He eventually found a group of (Asian) friends to support him, so he’s much happier now. The youngest brother is the polar opposite of us… he’s always happy, smiling, and positive. Then again, it helps to be male, the last born, and have the entire extended family already out of poverty.</p>

<p>nysmile, thanks. :)</p>