I am a walking time-bomb, and I need advice

Parent Cafe
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<p>You have my sincere sympathy. Even if the physical abuse stopped seven years ago, emotional abuse is still abuse.</p>

<p>That being said, northstarmom may have the right idea.

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<p>If you can manage to hold your tongue, be respectful, and agree with them more often than not, they may actually begin to listen to you. Can you show them statistics on the income levels of EE majors? It’s a very good field and if you like it you will be happier than whatever they “make” you do. </p>

<p>I wish you luck.</p>

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<p>See, I was the oldest girl too. I honestly think oldest girls from our type of cultural background have it the hardest. </p>

<p>My youngest brother certainly had it the easiest. By the time his turn came, my parents were already broken in by me and the rest. :)</p>

<p>I have the most developed strength of character and work ethic though so it all evens out. The harshness of my early environment helped me I think. </p>

<p>NSM has a good suggestion regarding expression appreciation for what they do for you. Don’t be disappointed and let down if they do not respond in kind. People’s mindset can take a long time to change. Try to remember IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT that they behave the way they do.</p>

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<p>munchkin, thank you for sharing your experiences with me. Unfortunately, I am not in a position to see that for what it is. When they express their wishes in the form of threats, how does that encourage me to do anything? At the same time, they say that when I’m their age, I will be exactly like them and see things their way. I highly doubt it and I refuse to do that.</p>

<p>Northstarmom, I have visited Cambodia. Beggars in restaurants, fruit baskets balanced on heads of eight year olds, and everyone on bicycles or motorcycles were carrying things. Very oddly enough, all of my dad’s sisters were, and are, the richest people in their town (without my dad’s support). One sold ice and the other sold gasoline.</p>

<p>I do admire and respect my parents for what they’ve done. Being dropped in Chicago without a penny or a lick of English is a mountain to pass. Unfortunately, I can just tell my dad, “I respect you for how hard you’ve worked to get this much in your life,” but he’ll follow it up with, “If you really respect me, then you will apply to UVA or else I’m not going to pay for you” or “If you don’t do ____, then you don’t respect the hard work I’ve done for the sake of this family.” My parents’ idea of respecting them is doing everything exactly as they say, so since I have no intention of transferring or majoring in business, they see it as me being ungrateful and just want to waste money.</p>

<p>I’m sure they want what’s best for me, but do they really know what’s best for me? It’s true that I won’t miss what I never had, but what if my parents gave up a job and spent more time with me instead of just giving up on me? When your parents just say that, that hurts.</p>

<p>Thanks for your input. :)</p>

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<p>mommusic, I’ve done all of that. I can be quiet, nod, and he’ll go away eventually, but the cycle eventually repeats. My dad is stubborn and persistant. The only listen to me to say, “You are (age) and you think you know every thing.”</p>

<p>My dad does not believe in those statistics. He stated that his experience says better than those data, and, this is according to what he said, 9/10 of people who go to community college and non-top-tiered universities amount to nothing. I told him that there are plenty of people who go to community colleges and transfer to UVA, and you couldn’t tell from the diploma where they spent the first two years. He said it doesn’t matter, and it isn’t true.</p>

<p>Thanks for your advice though.</p>

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<p>“It’s true that I won’t miss what I never had, but what if my parents gave up a job and spent more time with me instead of just giving up on me? When your parents just say that, that hurts.”</p>

<p>Of course, it hurts. It may help, however, if you assume that your parents come from a culture in which parent show their love for their children by nagging and criticizing their kids. Apparently, that’s the way some cultures are, so there’s a chance that’s the way kids are raised in Cambodia.</p>

<p>I remember one person telling me with sorrow that the only time her dad told her, “I love you” was when he was drunk. She looked at me in disbelief when I told her that I envied her because my dad never told me that he loved me. He just criticized me. It wasn’t until after he died – when I was in my mid 30s – that I learned that he had been bragging about me for years to many of his friends. I had absolutely no clue that he respected or liked anything about me.</p>

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<p>Yap, that was my dad. Close minded and do not listen. </p>

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<p>I agree with NSM. </p>

<p>You can also try saying if you as a last resort and cannot stand his behavior anymore “Dad, you are right. Since you are not going to pay for my tuition I will go get a job at McD/retail establishment now and quit school since I can’t go to school anymore.”</p>

<p>If I am a betting person I will bet this kind of nagging (threatening to stop paying tuition unless you do exactly as he says) will stop. They will find something else to criticize though because it is their way. Observe your youngest brother, the one who gets along with your parents - I am sure your parents criticize him too but does he argue less ? In one ear and out the other ?</p>

<p>I think one advantage of being the youngest kid is that one can learn from the older kids’ mistakes. They learn that sometimes it’s no use to argue and fight but… I notice the younger ones are very adapt at doing what they want regardless. My youngest brother certainly behaved that way. Even my youngest daughter behave that way. </p>

<p>Are you willing to consider getting a job and saving up some money to put yourself through college ?</p>

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<p>I think I had similar experience as munchkin, but it’s probably a similar story for so many Asian immigrant children. My dad worked at 2-3 different jobs (minimum wage) while going to graduate school full time. He supported 6 of us without help from anyone. He was very strict -no going out, no boyfriend, study, study. I rebelled - I ran away from home, and probably tried a few things I shouldn’t have in high school.</p>

<p>The difference between myself and OP is I knew if I wanted to get out from under my father’s thumb was to be independent. It meant to get top grades so I could put myself through college, get a job, and then be financially independent from my parents. I got married right out of college to get away from them. </p>

<p>When I ran away from home, I still went to school/work everyday, I submitted all my college applications by myself. I got into every school (4) I applied to, one of them was our state school with a full ride, and 50% aid to my top choice. My father really didn’t think I could survive without his help. It was a real eye opener for him to know I could manage to do all that without his help. It was a turning point in our relationship. He realized I was all grown up with a good head on my shoulder. He offered to pay for the private school if I came home. My relationship with my parents is very good now, but it took over 10-15 years for us to work it through.</p>

<p>OP - You need to start to behave like a grown up if you want your parents to treat you like an adult. I bet you if you were able to do better in college, speak(not whine or argumentative) to them like an adult, they would have more respect for you. Most parents, Asian parents included, only want what’s best for their children. They have different ways of showing it. If you were to do better in school, I don’t think your parents would care so much about your major. By not excelling in school (at a lower tier school, I am sure that’s what they are thinking), they are afraid you are not going to be able to support yourself someday. For most immigrant parents, their biggest fear is their children would starve and be homeless. Everything they do is trying to prevent that. </p>

<p>You are not in this alone, many of us have walked down this road. I know some people thought “sucking it up” posts were a bit harsh, but there is some truth to it. Figure out what you want out of life, focus on how you could get there. Don’t waste your energy on finding faults with your parents, because you have no control over their behavior, but you could control on how it effects you.</p>

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<p>Lalah - I was a guy (typically less mature) and a good athlete with too much attention paid to me because of athletics (a phony barometer). The point is I was immature. You are likely much more mature. You don’t need to wait until your thirties to start to lose that chip. Start now - you have enough self-awareness (evident here) to lose that chip and put the right kind of emotional distance between them and you. I say this not as advice - you have a counselor and can work with that person, but really as a reflection of life experience. You want your twenties to be a time when you come into your own (which means you, and not some other person’s expectations), and you must not spend it with an iceberg of bitterness and gloom. Your parents are who they are - with pluses and minuses - maybe a few more minuses here and there but still just people - not ten feet tall, either (a common perception amongst kids not treated well - I can attest). Look, here is something I live every day with - I am here to break the cycle. My own kids are being supported through college, and doing well - I am there to do for them what all young people deserve - but do not get - someone truly in their corner. You can do the same in the future - live for it- and attract others with a sense of positivity and a proven acumen for overcoming odds, including, you disappointing first year in college - hardly a unique circumstance, I might add. This all sounds corny, but you actually can give life a great kick in the pants, and I sure as heck would take every opportunity to do it.</p>

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<p>Lalah, as far as student aid goes, you do have some options. You don’t need $60K all at once and you’re eligible to borrow via Stafford loans ($6,500 Sophomore, $7,500 Junior/Senior). If you can regain your scholarship and do some part-time work, it doesn’t sound like you’ll need your parents to help you borrow a huge amount. Also, you do seem to have documentation of abuse via your psychiatrist. You may be able to get a dependency override and file FAFSA as an independent student. With an EFC of 0, you’d be eligible for a Pell grant of $5,350 and perhaps some state aid as well.</p>

<p>I think it’s likely that your parents would not cut you off, but you may want to explore your options before calling their bluff.</p>

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<p>Lalah-I’m sorry to read your story, but there is help out there. Your parents are Cambodian refugees. I would start by googling support for families of Cambodian refugees in (city, state) and see what comes up. </p>

<p>First of all your parents are ignorant and misinformed about business and “MBA type stuff” being more valuable than EE. Especially NOW with the meltdown in financial services. EE is always in demand, and EE grads command higher starting salaries out of undergrad than undergrad business majors do. Go to your VCU career center and ask them for help in putting some data together for your parents. A woman in any engineering discipline is even more in demand. Quit feeling guilty about EE in any way shape or form and understand that on this YOU are right; your parents are out of touch and either give them data to disprove their theories or ignore them–your call as to which is less stressful for you. </p>

<p>The next point is that your mental health care is none of their business. It really does not matter what they believe about psychologists–all of your care is confidential, and even if you live at home you do not have to tell your parents what you are seeing doctors for. </p>

<p>Finally, and I hate to say it since you are so obviously hurting and the main thing is to save yourself, but if you do have the emotional resources to see your parents as damaged by their own experiences–you may actually, even if you feel lousy now, be in a better placed than they are. Their abusive anger comes from somewhere–not that it is right for them to take it out on you, but if you can see them as scarred from their experiences rather than evil it might help you overcome some of your feelings of being to blame or being a bad daughter.</p>

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<p>Lalah, thank you for sharing your story with us and I’m sorry that you’ve experienced such pain. Look at it like this: so far your parents have written your story, for good or bad, but the rest of your story is really up to you. You get to decide how it plays out. You can succeed and be happy.</p>

<p>My husband does not come from an Asian family but his family life was always difficult. His father struggled with alcoholism and his parents divorced after 25 years of marriage when he was 16 years old. He came from a family of 5 boys; he was the second youngest and the youngest was only 11 when his parents split. The youngest boy stayed with his mom. Because my H is soft hearted and did not want his dad to be alone, he chose to go with his dad. His mom never forgave him for that…to this day. His parents gave him nothing for college, no support at all, financially or otherwise. He survived by going to a state uni on Stafford loans and working two jobs, one late at night after classes stocking groceries. Yes, his grades suffered because he had to work to support himself, but he graduated (although it took him an extra year). He’s never had anything in his life given to him but he’s quite successful anyway and proud to have earned it all himself. Despite the way his story began. I admire him so much for all he accomplished despite the odds and along the way he developed the work ethic that has brought the success that he’s seen.</p>

<p>You can’t control your parents, their feelings, their history, or their issues but you can work hard and change the rest of your story so that one day you’ll have children of your own perhaps and you can make the beginning of their story different.</p>

<p>Good luck to you. Take care of yourself. I know you can do this because you’ve made it this far in a difficult situation. That’s something to be proud of right there. Don’t let anybody tell you that it’s your fault or it can’t be done. Just find a way to get where you want to be.</p>