I am frantic

citygirlsmom · July 16, 2007, 7:25pm

it is no longer private for heavens sake when you post it online!!! how in the world is that a private matter anymore?

this idea that the web is private and parents shouldn't read what their kids write is absurd

you put it out there, you can't pick and choose who sees it, and what, you GF dad ccan see it, a new boss, whomever

why is it a private consensual matter if its written about for all to see? why can't mom look if its out there?

this is not mom going in and finding a diary under a pillow, this is going to a public site and volia, she and tens of thouseands of others can read it

and why not allude to behavior he himelf has shared with total strangers, oh I get it, strangers can know all about your sex life, gambling habits partying in a public forum, but your family is off limits

so strange-

once again, you post it, it is fair game, not fair, not what you like, well, welcome to the real world

bessie · July 16, 2007, 7:37pm

I like the idea of leaving a copy of the blog on his pillow with a sweet note reminding him to be careful what he posts online. He will be sweating bullets waiting for you to bring things up. Let him sweat. If he tries to explain things, offer to pay for him to see a counselor so he doesn't have to post his problems or addictions all over the internet. Don't ask any questions about the behavior but let him know you are there to answer any questions he has about safe sex, alcohol or drug addiction, or compulsive gambling. Then just see how next year goes. I hear these freshman settle down a lot their sophomore year. (That is what I am hoping for!) Do not call him now. Whatever it is can wait until he is at home. If next semester, you see some troubling behavior, then take action. First, have him get a job to pay for his non-tuition/school expenses. That cuts down the available time for getting in trouble with the added bonus that kids generally do not like to waste their own money as much as they like to waste our money, so he may be more cautious. Second, plan on dropping in at school and see how he's doing. Honestly, every year over the holiday dinner (for many years - I have a big family), we would all take turns telling our parents the horrible things we did as kids that they never knew about. As another poster said, we all grew up fine and are leading productive lives. The only things I would insist on are: no driving drunk or other stupid things that could jeopardize the financial health of your family and the well being of other human beings.

Mombot · July 16, 2007, 7:46pm

Citygirlsmom, please--nobody said the posting was private. The BEHAVIOR is private. The OP has things she should do (warn her son that you never, ever post anything on the internet you wouldn't want on the front page of the NY Times or the Wall Street Journal with your name and picture on it), that recruiters can and do use very sophisticated searches of the internet and postings like her son's have resulted in job offers being withheld...and things she should NOT do, which would include discussing her chagrin at finding her son had engaged in sexual behavior that in her eyes is "inappropriate." Oh, and I'm relying on the fact that she did not say "illegal" to assume that there' s nothing horrible there, just stuff that conflicts with her values.

Can you see the issue she can address that is not a boundary violation isn't sex and booze and gambling, it is that this 19 year old is oblivious to the fact that his private life is so public that a casual googling by HIS MOM revealed some pretty embarrassing information.

violadad · July 16, 2007, 7:47pm

I have to disagree that reading an offspring's online blog is snooping...if it's posted within public domain.

Thus is far afield from digging through a daughter's desk to find a diary or checking son's wallet to see how many condoms are there.

Clandestinely faking an identity to gain access to facebook or myspace to read your kid's blog is an intrusion; hitting google search is not.

Seeing six empty beer cans on the floor of YOUR car that your under aged child uses is not an intrusion on their freedom.

Going through your son's pants pockets when he's not home is a violation of his privacy. Finding the fake id while emptying pockets before the pants hit the washing machine is not.

It's all about trust. On both sides.

And maybe present the following when approaching him:

-If you want to minimize your educational experience, fine. I will minimize my involvement and support.

-You want to party, fine. Do it on your dime. Not in my house, or my wheels.

-Illegal drugs/alcohol other acts generating a legal or administrative response is your headache. I will bail you out physically, not financially. Period.

-If I cannot trust you behaviorally, I cannot morally even consider allowing you to use our vehicles.

-Use your brain instead of your head when it comes to sex. Quite simply, sex can kill you.

I could not see how one could set clearer parameters and outline the resulting consequences. Whether a kid chooses to follow them is another issue.

Northstarmom · July 16, 2007, 7:49pm

"First, my kids would not forgive me for reading these posts. "

That may be true, but at the same time it would reflect their naivate. Anyone who posts on the Internet is posting for anyone in the world to see. This includes future employers, their grandparents, their romantic partners' parents, etc. Posting about one's sex life, drinking, gambling, etc. is just plain stupid (and I say this as a mom who accidentally found my older S's blog, that contained all sorts of inappropriate things).

While the OP's S may be embarrassed/angry about having his parents see the blog, by being honest with him, the OP would be helping her S realize the impact of his behavior including the stupidity of publishing it on the Internet. In addition, she'd be doing everything possible to help save him from the potentially even fatal consequences of his actions. Having her kid get angry at her for her being concerned about his Internet blog is the least of her worries.

While blogs can be exaggerated, it also is very possible that what is on the blog is true. When I found S's blog, I showed it to my H, who thought that it was an exaggeration. Based on various things in the blog, I didn't feel it was an exaggeration, and it ended up that I was right. The blog was totally shocking to us because before S went to college, he by choice had no social life -- either was at home, school or work. He didn't even drive, so we had to drive him around, so really did know where he was. His life totally changed in college even though we couldn't tell from his phone calls or even from visiting him.

Anyway, I advise you to tell your husband, and then go to a family counselor who has worked with families of college students. That would be the best way for you and your H to figure out how to handle this very painful, difficult situation. I do agree with some who have posted here suggesting that you cut off any discretionary funds/credit cards you have been giving him. If he has to work to pay for his "hobbies," he may straighten up quite a bit.

Also, know you aren't alone, and it would not be a good idea to keep this info a secret or blame yourself. My H and I have been surprised how many people we know -- nice people, good parents, etc. -- have had some major problems with an offspring (typically a son) who no one would have imagined would have gotten gone off track.

What gives me hope is that I also know at least 3 middle aged adult males who when they were my S's age (23) were acting just like S. All 3 are now college professors or instructors. All are good family men. One is also youth minister at his church, and started a nonprofit, and has written an award-winning fictional book with a religious theme. Another wrote a best seller. Another recently took an early retirement after having a highly successful and lucrative career as a business professor. No indication any of them have disreputable lifestyles. So, there's hope.

Feel free to PM me, too.

citygirlsmom · July 16, 2007, 7:55pm

it is no longer private consensual behavior when you advertise it to the world. If you have sex with your girlfriend and then tell everyone, it is not longer a private matter....because by choice you have made it public

I can see the difference and too bad the son is also advertising he is commiting a crime by drinking

This man has shown a lack of judgement in many areas- and then posting them for all to find

If you want your sex life to be private, don't go bragging about on the web

And the OP doesn't want to subsidize her son's behavior, which is perfectly alright- he wants to play hard, she doesn't have to pay for it

this well its private and his business, well not anymore

somemom · July 16, 2007, 8:22pm

It may hurt and be difficult, but you need to allow your husband to grow and allow the two of you to come together and grow in strength as a couple. This is the stuff called "character buiding" and you ought to be happy later (even if you don't enjoy the process) that you include your husband.

The scary thing is that you do not know if this is a silly exaggeration or the beginning of a lifetime of addiction and failure....there is no real way to know. I have a dear dear friend who ended up with a son arrested and another dear friend who ended up with a pregnant daughter. One could see signs, in retrospect, but did not want to believe it when they were seeing the subtle signs. The other still cannot figure out how she would have caught on to the problem.

That being said, how do we know when it is youthful high jinks and when it is about to be a crisis? It is especially difficult when your child is far from home and in a phase of life where change is a huge part of the experience- of course they are different, that is the point, so how do you know if you have something dangerous. My friend whose son was in trouble could see signs of changes, but is not sure he would have responded until the consequences hit, and hit from the outside world, not family. He dealt with the consequences and is his old self again, but no longer was "away" at school either. Renewed trust will be a long time coming. The financial consequences were primarily the sons.

A counselor would be an excellent idea- some one you can trust who might be able to help you sort your knowledge in an unemotional environment, some one who will help you with the nitty gritty details in deciding what is "normal" and what is a bad omen. Hopefully you are over-reacting, but if not, better to find out now and take a leave from school and get things under control. Maybe you will shock him into behaving smarter and avoid a common issue like a DUI.

mstee · July 16, 2007, 8:40pm

Well, yes, you kind of have to tell your husband, don't you? Best to tell him now while the son is away, to give him time to absorb the shock.

violadad · July 16, 2007, 8:42pm

Northstarmom wrote:

What differs now is that most of these behaviors were obvious within a fairly limited circle, as opposed to being available to millions, and at instant access.

The one or two risque polaroids of you & your ex-girlfriend snapped during a semi-drunken, hormonally lust driven lost weekend have long ago yellowed and deteriorated. Few remember that you once tried to float your Volkswagon while your mind was expanded by roomie's stash of weed.
No one remembers that it was you who was the ad-hoc model for the naked ice sculpture on the Quad Common that appeared after the snowstorm that February night.

These images and life experiences, committed now to digital ether for eternity WILL curtail or negate many promising future careers.

Experience and experimentation is all part of the learning process. So is making sound judgements.

Mombot · July 16, 2007, 8:52pm

Let me just post this again, since it doesn't seem to be clear. There is WAY TOO MUCH SPECULATION and JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS going on here. None of us have the faintest idea whether the OP's son is a habitual gambler, a normal kid, or a creative writer yet people are off to the races with all kinds of advice based on nothing.

The only objective FACTs in evidence are:

1) Kid posts descriptions of sex, gambling and drinking in a public enough forum that his mother found it via google.
2) Kid muses in same forum he doesn't like his expensive private school and is considering a transfer
3)Kid's grades and behavior/demeanor toward parents are fine
4) Mom finds the behavior described online objectionable.

Oh, and one more fact I gleaned when I re-read post #1:
5)(And it is his money, not mine - except for his tuition and room and board, a big "except" of course.)

That's it. Anything beyond that is kind of irresponsible, don't you think? What if you posted something about a dumb thing your child did, something that made you angry or uncomfortable, and about fifteen people piled on and told you OMG OMG!! Addiction! FAILURE! STDS!! DEATH!!!

Relax people--let the poor OP gather her thoughts and think about what the real issues are here...in my mind it's the naivete of the son who posts such unflattering information and is oblivious to who can see it. Edited..and I might also point out that is is HIS MONEY he's wasting.

marinapus · July 16, 2007, 9:10pm

Mombot, can not say better!
One more thing... Did OP son put his blog under his real name or rather his screen name? If it's the lattest then it takes more then just "googling his name" to read the blog.
And my advice to everybody, let's just stop spying on our kids. They are not saints and by the way we are not either...

UCgradmary · July 16, 2007, 9:17pm

I agree we do not know the whole story and people's descriptions differ. "highly inappropriate sex" coupled with drug use and gambling certainly makes me as a parent and physician worried if the OP is not over the top.

What surprises me most is that the majority of parents here seem to suggest treading lightly. Where there's smoke there's fire, and getting a kid on the right track often takes difficult, decisive action by parents.

sax · July 16, 2007, 9:20pm

Totally agree with mombot.

Mombot · July 16, 2007, 9:24pm

Now we're up to drug use?? I though it was drinking, which by the way, the college dealt with.

I understand where you are coming from Mary, but what's an appropriate level of intervention for a high school student is in my opinion over the line for a college student of almost 20. Unless the parent KNOWS the child (I mean this in a biological, not chronological sense) is having unsafe sex or breaking the law, I think that as painful as it is you have to let adults risk adult consequences for dumb behavior.

Unless there is some sort of family agreement that says that financial support by parents is contingent on the child not violating stated standards of behavior, I don't think it's fair to punish an adult kid because you happen to find his behavior offensive.

As far as I can tell the only law that was broken resulted in some unpleasant consequences because the kid got in trouble at school. That's as it should be.

collegekid100 · July 16, 2007, 9:37pm

Mombot, we can speculate all we want and get nowhere so I won't try. I'll just say that online gambling is a major problem of boys that age. The addication knowledge is new here, and the number of patients overwhelming.

When you still have financial control over a child, you have control. It is good to have standards of conduct. What's the family law, what can you do and still have family support?

However, It is essential to know if they have a problem they are much more likely to address if you have control.

lspf72 · July 16, 2007, 9:52pm

Plenty of kids post immature and stupid stuff online, but if he seems unhappy and/or lonely there might be more to the self-destructive behavior (or there might not).

It does stink, though, to shell out so much money for a great education, and find all the other garbage that goes on. Makes you wonder if they appreciate the chance they've been given. Just curious-- is he a good student? How is he handling academics along with (despite) the partying?

Northstarmom · July 16, 2007, 9:52pm

OP, you say it's his money that he's spending. Where did he get that money? How is he funding his time abroad? If he has so much money to waste, perhaps he should be footing part of the bill for his college education.

paying3tuitions · July 16, 2007, 10:12pm

UCGradmary wrote:
"What surprises me most is that the majority of parents here seem to suggest treading lightly. Where there's smoke there's fire, and getting a kid on the right track often takes difficult, decisive action by parents."

I agree about being decisive, but only once the facts are known between parent and child. The "treading lightly" is only a way of listening, to get kids to trust, open up and tell you what's going on.

Then comes the decisive parental response.

coffeenchicory1 · July 16, 2007, 10:23pm

If your husband is irrational don't tell him he will make matters worse. If your husband is a thoughtful type TELL YOUR HUSBAND.
The issue that to me is the worst is the Gambling and then posting about his unhappiness. Get this kid into counseling FAST. And you should go too with him for a joint session to discuss what you found with someone to guide you through this so you dont overreact or underreact.

citygirlsmom · July 16, 2007, 10:31pm

is this a kid or a man

if its a man, and he is gambling, even once, he can start paying for some of his education with his disposable income and doesn't need to treaded lightly around, we are acting like he's in 4th grade for heavens sake

parent and child- no its a parent and adult who parent is paying for upkeep and food and shelter

and the second adult is having his life subsized by other adult who think that partying to excess and gambling is not how they want to see their money spent, and yes, it is their money, because of their generosity, the adult male spends his any way he wants, and not toward his own education and food and board

to say, oh its his money he can do what he wants and then say, well mom, it is your money but you can't do what you want is hypocritical

"by mombat:

nless there is some sort of family agreement that says that financial support by parents is contingent on the child not violating stated standards of behavior, I don't think it's fair to punish an adult kid because you happen to find his behavior offensive"

adult kid,,, okay....so does a parent have any say when it comes to supplementing an adults partying

guess not

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