I am frantic

<p>This is the book I found, for anyone who is interested:
"Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High "(Paperback)
by Kerry Patterson (Author), Joseph Grenny (Author), Ron McMillan (Author), Al Switzler (Author), Stephen R. Covey (Author).
I am guessing that this is the book to which the OP is referring. Looks to be worthwhile.</p>

<p>Yes, forgive me! That is the book -- Crucial Conversations. I insist on calling it the wrong name. I nearly drove the lady at Barnes & Noble crazy.</p>

<p>No worries! You have a lot on your mind. I was just intrigued by the concept of the book (as, I am sure, were other readers here) and wanted to make sure I was trying to locate the correct book. Thanks for mentioning it. It's the kind of book that everyone who works (and is a parent) should put on his or her reading list.</p>

<p>I'm not sure that I agree with all this "it's none of your business," etc. We don't know how our kids are doing until things blow up, and then it can be too late for them in some ways. My son's home from college for year--college's request for too much drinking--and I admit I'm angry that they didn't let us know until the call came for the year off. I WISH I'd known through a blog or something.</p>

<p>It'll be okay--he's working, following their stipulation of therapy, and planning to save money to go on a big mountaineering trip, but again, I WISH I'D KNOWN.</p>

<p>I'm sorry 2incollege--that is a tough situation for you and for your family, but what else can the college do? Eighteen years of age means that almost all college students are legally adults and responsible for their own behavior. It's not just my opinion that it is none of a parent's business, it's the law. It's reality--that's why the lines of communication and trust established during childhood and the teen years are so crucially important. </p>

<p>Parenting is like management in many ways. There are two kinds of management: activity management and results management. Activity management is kind of like high school--students are not graded on how well they know the material (results) but also on whether they complete activities designed to help them learn the material. Homework, class participation--those things are monitored and there are penalties for not doing them. In college, the emphasis switches to results management--nobody cares whether you do the homework; but if you don't do the homework it is really tough to master the material and your results will be poor. </p>

<p>Some parents still want to do activity management with their college age kids who are not living at home, and in my opinion that's always going to get a poor result. I do not think it is reasonable to think you have any authority over behavior, but you do still have some leverage when it comes to results. You CAN still manage for results, as in "as a condition of getting money from us you must maintain a B average, take at least 12 credits each quarter, and not get hauled up on any disciplinary actions by the college or the local constabulary." If as a parent, you feel you must maintain more day to day control over activities, then I think the only choice is to insist that the student live at home and abide by house rules as a condition of receiving financial support.</p>

<p>It's not the rules that bother me, it's the wanting to have it both ways: parents don't want to be the bad guys and insist their kids live at home, but they get mad when they can't control things like whether the kid has sex, drinks, or opens a credit card account.</p>

<p>Quick question: Why would a parent be upset about the credit card? I'm asking this from a teen POV because I'm wondering if I'm mistaken in thinking that there are some things you simply can't get without a credit card. I understand how the parent of a child who manages money quite badly would be upset, but in general, is it really that bad? I know some young people who leave their credit card at home on most ocassions and/or barely use it except in a pinch.</p>

<p>It varies dis-grace. Many parents read horror stories about college students running up credit card debt. It is true that some credit card companies do prey on students--they offer them huge credit limits relative to their income, knowing full well that the odds are in their favor the parent will bail the kid out when they get over their head. Some people just have a moral issue with borrowing, using credit or paying interest, but usually it is a well-placed wish to protect their child from the consequences of running up too much debt.</p>

<p>It just seems extreme to demand that one's child close a credit card account. But I don't think I have the POV to really understand it anyway, and I hope not to for a very long time! :p</p>

<p>Well, I agree with you dis-grace. See my post 125--if you are ok with letting your kid move away from home, you kind of have to accept that you are not in a position to demand the kid abstain from activities that you don't approve of. There's a difference between saying "Even though you are not living under my roof I demand you abstain from alcohol" which is unenforceable, and "I will cut off financial support if you get disciplined by the college for drugs or alcohol" which is something a parent can reasonably enforce on a live-away kid.</p>

<p>For the credit card, saying "I demand you close the account" is not enforceable, whereas "I will not give you any money if you get into trouble due to your use of your credit card that I think is risky for you to have while you are a student with limited funds." makes it clear what the expectations and concerns are and is enforceable.</p>

<p>Mombot I agree 100% with your posts here.</p>

<p>Dis-grace:</p>

<p>A different perspective. My kids do not spend to excess at all. But S1 learned a painful lesson. There are people who indeed prey on gullible students. One called to invite S1 to open a bank account in return for which S1 would have a choice of magazines he could subscribe to, but there was a minimum number he had to buy. S1 fell for the line that it was a good deal even though he was not interested in most of the magazines. We found out in time from S1 and pointed out to him that the cost of the magazines would come to nearly $700 alone. We went after that credit card company and demanded that the subscription be rescinded, threatened to sue, etc... S1 said they'd contacted everyone in his dorm.
If we'd opened a credit card account for him in the first place, he would not have fallen for that line.</p>

<p>I guess I'd be concerned though about a kid with perhaps a history of online gambling habits having a credit card...</p>

<p>I'm pretty hands-off, and always have been. What I didn't like is finding out that the college had mandated weekly on-campus counseling for him in the fall (letter stating that it should continue through May) and then didn't follow through--the counselor saw him once and said not to bother to come back. I know they are 18. I know that the college has strict confidentiality laws. I also know that they can call and suggest that we check up on a student without ever giving away what the problem might be.</p>

<p>^ And you might be interested to know that there is exemption in FERPA for alcohol related offenses (privacy may not be mandated, but may be practiced).</p>

<p>Really??? I am very, very interested in that and will look it up! Thank you!</p>