I am frantic

Parents Forum
101

<p>I am much older & wiser today than I was in college. I drank too much, engaged in some sexual activity that my parents would not have approved of, smoked a little (not cigarettes), got a few very scary grades, wondered if I was at the right school ... and I slowly matured, engaged in a few less risky behaviors (but didn't stop them all), brought my grades up (but never to the perfect grades I had in high school), grew to love my school ... I finished classes, wrote a thesis, got a very good job, got married, stopped the partying. Years passed, I had kids, I teach Sunday School, I chair various school & community activities ... all & all, my parents are very proud of me NOW. They would have died of heart attacks years ago had they known the path I took to where I am today.</p>

<p>My point? It might not be as bad as it seems. The problem in my mind is the fact that he posted all of this on the internet. BIG MISTAKE for so many, many reasons. When you talk to him, ask him if he really wants his college exploits archived for the world to see in 25 years. Actually, he should not want anyone to see them now ... he shouldn't want employers to see them in a few years ... but most of all, he really won't want his kids to see them someday. He needs to understand that his blog is not the diary under the mattress. It isn't just mom who might find it.</p>

<p>I don't want to make light of what may be real problems. However, I also want to make sure you know that he might not actually be headed for true "trouble." I certainly don't want my kids to do the same stupid things I did, and I discuss difficult topics often to try to help them make better choices than I did. I would suggest that you talk to him in the spirit of helping him to make good choices ... that is, share your insight, your wisdom. </p>

<p>When I was a sorority adviser, some of the girls asked me to talk to a member about something she had done that put her in harm's way. I simply told her we were worried, why we were worried, and what her behavior could lead to. I also assured her that I did not think less of her because of her behavior. I made sure she understood that it was her behavior ... not HER ... that was the problem. She later thanked me. If I had yelled at her, threatened to take away her membership, treated her like a child, I don't think I would have achieved the same result. Try to keep your discussion on an adult-to-adult level & focus on what you have observed, why it concerns you, and what the long-term effects could be. Don't expect an immediate thanks, because he is likely to be defensive & embarrassed initially. However, your message might just help him. If not ... hard as it is to accept ... he is an adult who may well have to make his own mistakes.</p>

102

<p>Wow, a lot of replies in a short time. I think that could be because a lot of us can empathize with anxiety about how our children are doing/feeling.</p>

<p>OP should tell her son that she read the blog and that she is concerned, even disappointed, for the reasons she gave here. Then drop it.
She should tell him because if she doesn't she will have a hard time interacting normally with him. And because it might promt him to think about the risks he is taking, which might be large and might not be. And IF he wants to change his behavior saying it's because Mom knows about it (even if he just says this to himself) might make it a little easier to stay on the (relatively) straight and narrow. He might be a little uncertain of his own values, or maybe I should say standards. His family's values can be an appropriate default while he figures that out.</p>

<p>If son objects to Mom's checking blog, she should stop. Of course he will object, but let him say it and let her show good faith by responding to his concerns (as she hopes he will respond to hers). We don't follow our children into every public place. Some would call it spying. I prefer to call it hovering.</p>

<p>As long as son is doing okay in school and his behavior hasn't brought him notoriety in the wider world there isn't good reason to cut financial support. If moral conduct was going to be a condition of support that should have been made clear up front.</p>

103

<p>"wouldn't even know where to begin on discussing inappropriate sex with my older children (21 and 24). I guess I think that discussion is a little late after high school age?"</p>

<p>If I knew a friend were having inappropriate sex (for instance raping or otherwise taking advantage of people, having unprotected sex or doing similar things), I'd talk to my friend. I feel the same about adult offspring.</p>

<p>In most cases, parents won't know about our adult offspring's sex lives, but should we find out such information, I do think it's appropriate to express our concerns just as presumably we would with others whom we care about.</p>

<p>"(Incidentally, "a few drunken hookups" would worry me a lot: I don't think anyone should be having sex while drunk!)"</p>

<p>I feel the same way. I have a friend who teaches English at a highly ranked Catholic college. In some of her assignments, the students write about and talk about their lives, and their essays and discussion indicate that many have random, drunken hook-ups. My friend says that apparently that's their way of excusing their sexual activities -- i.e. by thinking, "I can't be held responsible. I was drunk." My friend says their parents probably have no idea what they're doing in college.</p>

<p>Frankly, I don't have a problem with college students having sex. I am concerned, however, about their engaging in drunken hook-ups.</p>

104

<p>About drunken hookups - while it is "cause for concern", not only would S talking with you be unbelievably awkward (the most you could do is emphasize the necessity of being SAFE), it probably wouldn't make him change his behavior. It's too much of a social norm.</p>

<p>Oh, and BTW, a "drunken hookup" can be anything from making out to full blown sex - and the consequences of these differ greatly. Hooking up means different things to different people.</p>

105

<p>"About drunken hookups - while it is "cause for concern", not only would S talking with you be unbelievably awkward (the most you could do is emphasize the necessity of being SAFE), it probably wouldn't make him change his behavior. It's too much of a social norm."</p>

<p>Social norm with whom? I don't think that drunken hook-ups are social norms at every college or with all groups of college students. </p>

<p>As for parents' talking about sex with their students, how awkward the conversation would be depends on the students and parents. Some are far more comfortable talking about such subjects than are others. Some students also do still listen to their parents. All depends on the individuals involved.</p>

106

<p>Of course it's not a social norm for every college and every group of kids but I'd say for the vast majority of American colleges, where there is drinking, there is hooking up. The "walk of shame" has been around for a looooooooong time, and while the OP might regret his drunken hookups later, it'll probably be hard to convince him they're "wrong" or "not normal" now. The fact is in many places they ARE normal - alcohol tends to be a social lubricant, and people are obviously a lot... friendlier, while drunk. Waking up next to someone you've never seen before isn't nearly as common, but going home with someone drunk - it happens at many colleges. Often.</p>

<p>As for the sex talk, I assumed since OP was so shocked that student was having sex - something it appeared she had no idea he was doing before - that it was not necessarily the type of relationship where S feels comfortable sharing details of his sex life.</p>

107

<p>We don't know what shocked the OP about her S's sex life. She said he had "highly inappropriate sexual behavior." That could mean anything including date raping women or cruising gay bars for random unprotected hook-ups. She was vague, and given the nature of the Internet, that was understandable.</p>

108

<p>It could be anything from a son who refrained from sex until college going wild to getting oral sex from a guy, its hard to say</p>

<p>But, if the behavior is WAY out of character from anyway he behaved or even alluded to in the past, and is also showing signs of depression, it isn;t so simple</p>

<p>At the very least, mom needs to say, USE A CONDOM, I am not ready to be a grandmother</p>

109

<p>MomNeedsHelp--I'm glad you came back and found the posts helpful. After reading your follow up post, I'd like to depart even further from the party (heh) line and suggest that you seek the advice of a therapist.</p>

<p>I see a couple of things in your second post that reinforced my impression on reading your first one. Your son was no doubt "raised right." Your values are very important to you, and I for one applaud that. Where I think you may be unrealistic is to think that your son will agree 100% with your values for the rest of his life, when college is all about holding your family's values at a distance and deciding whether they will work for you long term or not. You seem to think that any deviation is upsetting; your example of the credit card to me crossed the line between teaching your son your values, expressing your opinion and maybe reiterating risks of credit card use, and "demanding" that he close down the account. What if he tells you to stuff it? I read that you are not confident that things "took" with your son and that he's going down a path you find repugnant, rather than going through the process of testing the values he grew up with. I have to say I know more people who did a lot of things that would horrify their parents only to embrace the values they were taught in the home. I am another Sunday School teacher who did far worse things in college and in my '20s than you described.</p>

<p>The thing with college students is that judgement and condemnation become a two way street. You held all the cards for most of your son's life: you were an adult, he was a child, you had legal and moral authority over him. Now that he's in college you still hold a pretty good hand: you have the financial authority that determines what he can afford and what he cannot in terms of college, but you no longer have the type of legal authority you had when he was a minor.</p>

<p>You can demand what you want and withdraw support because you disapprove of your son's choices and that is your right as a parent, but be aware that those actions may come at a very, very high cost. Grown kids don't HAVE to let their parents into their lives. Your continued closeness with your son has to be earned--he has to WANT to visit you. </p>

<p>I suggest that a little bit of therapy, or a chat with your clergyperson if you are a member of a faith community, may do more to ease your mind and clarify what the real issues are here than any confrontation with your son.</p>

110

<p>"I have not told my husband about this, and I might not. I am not only protecting him, but I also feel very guilty about this whole thing and I just don’t want to entangle him too. I guess I am the self-appointed family protector."</p>

<p>Please talk to a therapist or a clergyperson -- to help yourself deal with this difficult situation. </p>

<p>It's normal for parents, particularly moms, to, upon learning something worrisome about their kids, wrack their brains searching for parenting mistakes. I certainly did that. My therapist, however, helped me see that my S's decisions were not my fault.</p>

<p>I can not suggest more strongly that you talk with your husband about this situation. As the dad, he needs to be informed, too. You may feel like you are protecting your family by keeping secret this information, but you're not being fair to your husband because he needs to have this important information, and he needs to be part of the process in deciding how to respond to it.</p>

<p>I found it helpful that my husband and I together visited a counselor after we learned the info about older S.</p>

<p>I know things are difficult for you and I wish you well.</p>

<p>"He recently opened a credit card in his name, which he knew would not be okay with us. "</p>

<p>My thoughts are that your response and expectations sound overprotective. As long as your S is responsible for the credit card, seems he should have the right to open one in his name. He needs to learn at some point how to handle credit cards, and the college years may be the very best time. At his age, he also may feel comfortable talking to you and your husband about how best to handle credit -- if he doesn't have to sneak around to get it.</p>

111

<p>Tell your husband, it is not fair for you to carry this burden alone and your husband would probably not want you to hide this type of information regarding your son. Two heads are better than one.</p>

112

<p>I don't think you really can or should advise the OP to share her concerns with her husband without knowing her reasons for keeping it from him or anything about the relationship between husband and son and his likely reaction. It may very well be that she correctly anticipates that the husband's response would not be helpful to the situation.</p>

113

<p>Mombot, your responses are level headed and you appear to have a great sense of the longer, larger picture in this situation. </p>

<p>In terms of sharing with the husband, yes, in the context of a reasonable marriage, to a reasonable person, it should be shared. With so many of these parenting issues, a unified front is far more effective, and I doubt you would want such information kept from you. </p>

<p>However, as calmom states, only she can assess whether his reponse would complicate matters, and whether he can be reasonable. I've seen enough difficult situations with parental reactions, to not anticipate a calm level headed response. </p>

<p>From OP "I feel very guilty about this whole thing" Why? The looking on line, or the son's actions? The son's actions you have no control over. As you admitted, you raised him with good values, perhaps being tested right now, but you were concientious. Give yourself, some, if not a lot of credit. You were looking on line, because you care. Nothing to be ashamed of. You are posting on here, again because you are trying very hard to get the nuances right in this difficult situation. Again, to your credit.</p>

114

<p>Regarding whether you'd tell your H that you're dealing with all of this in your thoughts, plus planning a focussed discussion upon the son's arrival home -- </p>

<p>--would you want your H to hold all that in from you? (apply the "Golden Rule" here). </p>

<p>Or try reversing the genders, to get an honest read by playing this out in your imagination: your H discovered this about your D and he, not you, intended to bring all this up. </p>

<p>It all depends on what kind of relationship (usually open or usually protective) is between you and your H. Also what kind of personality he has, how well he usually deals with bad news, and so on. </p>

<p>Seems like a lot to "stuff." Won't he know something's bothering you? I find that family troubles are the time to bring in others and share rather than try to do it all yourself. If you're a team, you might feel less burdened. But it depends on your H. Maybe he's capable of handling and helping, better than you think. Sometimes we underestimate our H's.</p>

115

<p>Thanks again for all your posts everyone. I woke up today feeling a little sad about it all, but I've rallied as the day has worn on. I'm reading the "Critical Conversations" book - and it's interesting and pertinent. </p>

<p>I really can not give out any more details on this situation - I have probably already disclosed more than I should have. Be assured I greatly appreciate your suggestions and thoughts.</p>

116

<p>I agree with Calmom in #112. The OP is the best judge of when and how to involve her H in this situation.</p>

117

<p>Hope we've helped. Is it time to close down this thread? Sometimes silence helps.</p>

118

<p>Isn't the book "Crucial Conversations"? I was interested in finding out about that book myself and couldn't find any non fiction books (other than literary criticisms) titled "Critical Conversations" on Amazon.com. I did find one titled "Crucial Conversations," which is about how to talk about important topics to anyone. Is that the one that the OP is reading?</p>

119

<p>Bump. I'm also curious about the title of the book.</p>

120

<p>MomNeedsHelp--if you are a member of a Christian faith community, the parable of the Prodigal Son is really comforting if you are stressing and guilty right now. If you are not, I do not mean to shove this at you, but if you are it is a really eloquent story that reminds us today that we are not the first ones that deal with kids who have to go try everything out in spite of our warnings.</p>