I fight with my daughter when she comes home from college

Parents Social Lounge
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<p>While I agree with the other parents that you need to give your daughter a lot of space when she is home and not expect her to be with the family the whole weekend, I think the boyfriend’s parents have some loose screws and are acting like jerks. IMO, they should not be encouraging your daughter to be rude and hurtful to her own family.</p>

<p>I don’t think you should get between the two of them, but I don’t think it is OK for college students to be dismissive of their parents’ feelings. Try to have a calm conversation in which you explain that loving parents naturally want to see their offspring when they are in town. </p>

<p>Is the boyfriend planning to join her at college next year? If so, at least the wasteful traveling back and forth would end.</p>

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<p>These “serious” relationships very often end either Thanksgiving break or after the Christmas break. They love love love each other until they just can’t stand one another. My daughter waited until she returned to school after the Christmas break and broke up with her long term boyfriend over the phone. I never saw it coming and was really surprised so don’t be surprised if the same happens. By the way, Do you like her boyfriend? If so, there are worse things that could happen than your daughter spending time with a nice guy.</p>

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<p>I would talk to my daughter about decorum. Where does she sleep when she goes to her boyfriend’s house? In his room? I don’t think I would think very well of any girl spending nights in my son’s room. When my daughter’s boyfriend comes to our home, he stays in a guest bedroom and they keep the door open when they are in her room. I don’t want to see them all over each other in the living room where we could all see them. I don’t care what they do in college, but when she is home, we have a certain decorum. When I first said those things to D1, she rolled her eyes, “With the way you have raised me, do you think you it’s necessary for you to say all that? Of course, we wouldn’t do that.”</p>

<p>As far as being over at boyfriend’s house all the time. Ask her who is paying her bill? Ask her who has picked her up and dropped her off at all of her ECs for 12+ years? When D1 is home from school, she can’t treat it as a hotel. It is common decency to spend time with one’s family. Even if she likes the bf’s family better, it is hurtful to behave in such way to one’s parents.</p>

<p>Yes, when they get older, they need more space. But part of maturity is have respect for one’s parents and not purposely hurt their feelings. </p>

<p>Part of college experience is to spend time in school to bond with new friends. It is on weekends when kids have time to do silly things. My daughter likes to refer to it as the “freshman experience.” By going away every other weekend, you daughter is missing out on it. She might as well live at home and go to a local school.</p>

<p>OP, I don’t think you have anything to apologize for. I think it’s your daughter that’s being immature and insensitive.</p>

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<p>You cannnot imagine how much all of your posts are helping me. There are no words to thank all of you for taking the time tohelp me so much. I have been a mess over this . I do think she is being immature and insensitive but its also her way of breaking away. I pray that these first few months of unrest and arguing will not set the tone for our relationship. I love her more than I can possibly express and that is why this is so debilitating to me. I understand how to act with her to try to repair things from all of your posts. But what to do about the boyfriend? We had a big fight right in front of him and he knew how mad we were about her staying at his house. But over the past year he has spent an enormous time at our home and we do include him in all kinds of family stuff. Dinners, out to eat, brought him to the cape in the summer, etc. Im worried now if he is the one will he hate me now?? I cant have that happen as I love my daughter so much. He is ok ( i liked him a ton the first 8 months, then not so much, now I cant stand him for obvious reasons). I dont think he is good enough for my daughter but thats the oldest story in the book, right? What do I do to repair things with him, or do I not have to worry about him?</p>

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<p>I would not have it. I am sorry, maybe I am really naive and life will give me a lesson when my kids are older, but I just can’t imagine an 18 year old coming back to spend weekends with boyfriend at his house. I am Ok with the fact that they are having sex, but let’s pretend a little for the sake of goodness and some morality :wink: In the same house liek all the time, whenever she is back in town? You might as well ask her to get married. Who is supporting her, who is paying for college? Did you not pass on any family values on her? I am sorry if I am sounding harsh but in my world - I just can’t imagine…
I would be frank with the boyfriend - like you and all but, like oldfort said, let’s keep the decorum. You are not married yet so please do not act like you are. If you want us to respect you, please respect us.</p>

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<p>One thing I’ve learned as the parent of a teenage daughter - the surest way to keep her from breaking up with a bum is to let her know that you don’t like him. It just creates Romeo and Juliet. There’s just nothing more “romantic” than forbidden love…</p>

<p>I can sympathize with you. My D is a h.s. senior who has been with her boyfriend for a year. If they are still together when they leave for college, I can see her wanting to spend 24/7 with him when she’s home - and that will leave me feeling sad and left out of her life. </p>

<p>I’d apologize to her, let her know that you miss her and would like to see her. Also mention that you think it would be good for her to build stronger ties at her school but that you realize that its HER life and HER college experience, so she can take your advice or not. Perhaps you can ask her to schedule some times that you can see her - with or without the BF.</p>

<p>As for the BF, I think you do need to mend fences, only because he’s going to continue to pull her away from you if he thinks you hate him. All I can think of is to apologize to him, tell him you understand that he is very important to your D and you appreciate that he makes her happy. (do your best to swallow the bile rising in your throat as you do this)</p>

<p>Where is the BF planning to attend college next year? Is he going to follow D to her school?</p>

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<p>Mom39: I kinda wrapped myself around the axle senior year with S. HE chose to poop in the nest by having a “bromance” with 2 boyz who were never going to get to school- and he was AP tract…I was weighted down by this for at least 1.5 year (one of them followed him to college and just lived in the town, no school) Happy to report I did do what many are saying here- back off, let it flow (however, did threaten to cut off $$$ when he asked to get an apartment with several guys, one of them was the loser boy (in my eyes). After Christmas, he joined frat and off he was to the college experience I had envisioned for him. And he is so happy. Now, he is making his way back to the family,(he is a soph) and all is good and going to get better…but the first thanksgiving and Christmas was a real bust. Oh, and I didn’t realize how down I was until it lifted…WOW. You ccare so much, you will find your way…and I can see you don’t need to be right!</p>

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<p>I am sending you a PM.</p>

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<p>One thing that has helped me as my boys grow up and away (as they SHOULD do) is to try to keep one step ahead in the independence department. I think of it in my head as “being cooler than you.” So for the last few years my husband and I have done adventure vacations without the kids, I’ve taken up a new instrument and learned to play the blues, my husband has taken up a new sport, and he has a men’s group that meets on weekend mornings. By matching our unavailability with their growing independence it allows us to all value the time we do spend together. They are aware we are not sitting around home pining for them.</p>

<p>The boyfriend thing, however, rubs me the wrong way. I’m not sure why… it strikes me as very childish, this playing house in his Mommy and Daddy’s house.</p>

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<p>for Thanksgiving holiday can you come up with some kind of compromise? Explain to her that you would like to spend some time with her…you might tell her that even married couples have to split their time among families over the holidays. See if you can agree on some kind of schedule ahead of time. That way you would know that you will have some time with her and maybe you can let loose a little bit and give her some time to be at his house?
I understand the posts about morality, etc. but it sounds like that ship has sailed. Coming up with ultimatums will probably backfire at this point. Of course, YMMV (your mileage may vary).</p>

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<p>This is what is bothering me, as well. This <em>boy</em> is still a K-12 student, lives with Mommy and Daddy on their dime. He isn’t an adult, therefore this is not an adult relationship and does not need to be respected as such (sorry).</p>

<p>Sex does not equal adult.</p>

<p>mom3939, I don’t think you owe anyone an apology, but I would try to mend the fences with my daughter.</p>

<p>Good luck to you.</p>

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<p>Talk to your daughter. Tell her that the fights and your frustration have nothing to do with the BF, but rather with your missing her, and wanting the best for her. You can tell her that it made you feel very sad that she was in town, but did not come home to visit. Then tell her that you accept that it is her life, and you will accept her choices with regards to BF and friends, that he is welcome to your home, and that you just wish you could spend some time with her too when she is around. I am sure she’ll convey it to him if you don’t feel like talking to him directly.</p>

<p>As for sleeping at BF’s house… First of all, this is already happening, so trying to fight it now makes no sense to me. I am also very much against “pretending for the sake of morals and decorum”, especially as a parent of a girl. There various situations could arise when being able to ask a mom for advise can be invaluable. But if the girl has to first “confess” to having sex, she will probably never do it. </p>

<p>I also think that “pretending” about sex (especially when everyone knows that everybody is pretending) makes it OK to pretend about any and every other issue you disapprove of.</p>

<p>Of course you don’t have to have the BF sleep with your D at your house. If it makes you uncomfortable, you can tell her that, and I am sure she will accept it as such. But she will probably prefer to sleep at his house then. Since they’ve been doing it for a while, I don’t think there is any point to make it into a big issue now.</p>

<p>Most probably they will break up at some point in the next couple of years. The less you interfere in their relationship, the better…</p>

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<p>I’d go for a clinical conversation (and I have children, all graduated from college, of both genders so I have some experience in this department!)</p>

<p>“By the way, I’ve emailed you the name and phone number of two gynecologists in town. I’ve checked them out- they have good reputations- and both have a lot of experience with teenagers/late adolescents. You need to get your HPV vaccine, an internal exam, and any other prescriptions/tests that the Dr. deems necessary based on your medical history and lifestyle. I would refer you to my own Doctor but I guess that would feel weird for you so in order to respect your privacy, I’m suggesting either of these two physicians. Since there’s usually a wait for an appointment, you might want to call soon so you can be seen the next time you’re in town.”</p>

<p>Then, “We will be having T-giving dinner at 3 pm on Thursday. We’d like to invite BF and his family to join us- do you want me to issue the invitation or do you want to call them? Oh, they are going to his aunt’s house? Well let us know if you’re going with them or planning on being here with us. We’re really looking forward to spending time with you, so if you’re going with them on Thursday, why don’t you plan to spend Saturday here with us- we’ll go out for pancakes for breakfast and then we can do whatever you want until it’s time for you to head back to school. Dad is planning on driving you back- I’m sure you’ll have a lot of stuff since you’ll want to take your winter jacket and boots.”</p>

<p>Play it calm. Be clinical. Be polite. Just like you would with any other adult. The more drama you inject into the situation, the easier it is for her to rationalize her behavior by telling herself that you’re a nutjob and the BF is her anchor in a sea of despair (or whatever her metaphor is.) You are the grownup. She’s having sex- so she needs to be checked for STD’s, given contraceptives, get the HPV vaccine, etc. It may freak her out that you’re not pretending that you don’t know, and frankly, some of the allure of the relationship may wane when she sees you’re not shocked, not in a frenzy of judgement, just concerned for her physical and medical well being.</p>

<p>That’s my suggestion. Give her enough love and support to dump the guy in time to still enjoy Freshman year.</p>

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<p>I see from previous posts that I’m in the minority here, but I think the tail is wagging the dog in the situation with the OP and her daughter. This girl is apparently financially dependent on her family for her education and lifestyle, but she is being allowed to behave without regard to the family’s needs, standards, and preferences? </p>

<p>I know this is harsh, but it seems that the OP is so concerned about wanting a close relationship with her daughter that she isn’t being a firm parent. When there’s a family holiday like Thanksgiving, it should be said “You will be having dinner and spending the day with YOUR family. If you want to see your BF, you may go out after 7:00 PM. Why? Because that is the way we do things in this family.” </p>

<p>As far as staying with the boyfriend when in her hometown, I’d tell her that it is unacceptable. And while I wouldn’t force her to withdraw from school over it, I would reduce privileges and support (like maybe no car to use when she is home or some such) until it stops. At the same time, she should be welcome to come to her hometown whenever she wants as long as she is staying at her family’s home.</p>

<p>BTW, I have a son who is a college freshman in a school a few hours away. We had no trouble working out reasonable visit times with family versus friends when he was home for mid-term break. You have to recognize that they have needs, that you have needs, and all must be respected.</p>

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<p>^yes, you can force your financially dependent children to spend time in your house by making this a contingency for your financial support, but you can not force them to share their life with you in any meaningful way by doing so.</p>

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<p>I don’t post here often, but I’d just like to say that ^ you’re being rather harsh. This girl is still EIGHTEEN years old, and even though she’s not an adult by means of she does not pay her own tuition and her own way, she is still LEGALLY an adult. Sure the OP can take those things away, but why would she? If she did that, she would deprive her own daughter of an education. And if the only other alternative was to move back home and go to a school closer by, well, then we’re back to square one: The OP’s daughter would be spending even more time with her boyfriend. And if “privileges” were taken away, I think the she can expect even more of a negative response from the daughter, possibly her spending even more time away from her family. And I was under the impression that OP wanted to mend her and her daughter’s relationship AND get her to spend more time with the family. Doing those things you mentioned, will most likely accomplish nothing. Might be effective in a different situation, but this is a “relationship/love” one. All bets are pretty much off.</p>

<p>OP, I’m around your daughter’s age, a year older. And yes, I don’t have kids, and I may be a bit on the immature side like your own daughter sometimes, but I’m going to tell you the truth: If you treat her like a child, I promise you; she WILL act like a toddler. She will through a huge fit, and you will just alienate her more. And I know you love her and you want to spend time with her, and that it’s not seeming fair at the moment that you have to “fight” for your own daughter’s attention. It seems like such a simple request. But I’m guessing that she’s not seeing it this way.
If you remember back to when you were younger, I’m sure maybe you had a situation where you were gaga over some guy or a relationship you had. And you probably know how it goes, ha ha. I’m not bringing that up to make excuses for your daughter, or her behavior, but to be honest, at her age, she probably has sex/boy fever on the brain. And right now, being far from home, he’s something she has attached herself too.</p>

<p>As far as what you should do, some parents on here have given some great advice: Stand your ground, and have an adult to adult talk with her about where the relationship is going, your expectations, and above all, how much her presence in the household on the occasion means to you. Treat her like an adult, and she will open up. I promise you that. IMO, I think you are being pretty reasonable, but at the same time, although I am your daughter’s age, I still don’t know what’s going on inside of her head (or my own half of the time, for that matter!)</p>

<p>On apologies: Just tell her that you’re sorry, and that you care about her. You saying you’re sorry first, will most likely lead her to apologize as well.</p>

<p>Just wanted to give my two cents: once again, great responses from parents. Just thought you might like a little perspective from someone around your daughters age. :)</p>

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<p>^^^I think that making civil–if not loving–behavior a clear expectation for continued financial support can serve as a wake-up call for young people who are so caught up in romantic issues that they have lost sight of all other considerations. I am guessing that the OP’s daughter will some day wake up and feel ashamed about disrespecting and hurting her parents; why not help her wake up a bit sooner?</p>

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<p>There is a thread in Parent’s Cafe that recommends some books that might help you.</p>

<p>"edited by Karen Stabiner, “THE EMPTY NEST: 31 Parents Tell the Truth about Relationships, Love, and Freedom after the Kids Fly the Coop” "</p>

<p>“a book written by a mother and daughter about going away to college. It’s called I’ll Miss You, Too: What will Change, What Will Not and How We’ll Stay Connected. It’s out in paperback, and it was great to read both the parent and student perpectives.”</p>

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<p>^^ I didn’t mean to doubt that it couldn’t have “an effect”. I was giving a worst possible scenario about what could happen if the OP was to act upon that. And it sounds like to me she doesn’t want to do that anyway. I, personally, think that her daughter isn’t going to respond well to it. I could be wrong, because I don’t know her daughter. I’m just saying that it seems like to me, the OP wants to solve this as peacefully as possible. And as others have pointed out on this board, there are other alternatives. But ultimately, it is the mother’s decision, obviously. I was just trying to give her another perspective.</p>

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Is civil behavior no longer an expectation once your child is not financially dependent on you??
By the time the child goes to college, it really is too late to “discipline” them. You’ve raised them as well as you did. You should keep offering guidance, especially when asked. You can make college tuition contingent on academic progress. You can demand that your house rules are kept in your house. You can hope that your children share your values. But it is time to build an adult relationship with them rather then forcing to obey you “because you said so”.</p>