<p>FWIW – I was in a similarly controlling relationship long, long ago. The “beginning of the end” came when he and I were on a vacation together with my mother. She couldn’t stand him anymore, so she left early. I was stuck alone in a cabin with him for the last two days. At the end of the two days, I couldn’t stand him either. I broke it off soon after, and didn’t look back (although he made many overtures). She told me later that leaving was one of the hardest things she’d ever done, but it was more effective with me than talking ever could have been.</p>
<p>Aside from the safety factor (as in making sure he won’t go nuts and stalk her or worse), the more exposure she has to him and his mother, the firmer her resolve will probably be once she’s had enough. Not easy to watch, but maybe something she has to learn through experience.</p>
<p>Best wishes to her – and to you, mom3939. From everything you’ve posted here, I think your attitude and approach are healthy. And I think she’ll be ok; it might just take longer than you (or, ultimately she) would like.</p>
<p>The night before she went back to school for break D and ex BF had a huge fight. Apparently he told her if they are not back together he cant handle being with her, its too hard and stressful for him. She doesnt want to get back together with him, she just wants him in her life and likes seeing him. She was incredibly upset but then she was happy to go back to school. But yesterday she told me she really missed him. I just dont know how to help her. I asked her if she was sure about not just getting back together with him and she said no, she doesnt want to. Its too difficult and complicated for her to be at school and handle him. How should I advise her? I feel bad she misses him and Im sure he misses her. I told her it will get better and this is natural to feel like this. Im not sure if she misses him or misses having a BF.</p>
<p>You could suggest that she talk things over with someone at her school counseling center. Between you and me, I’d bet that the counselor will note the red flags about his controlling behavior.</p>
She broke up with him, and she does not want to get back together. She should let him choose whether or not to stay in touch. It can be unbearably painful to stay in touch with the person who broke up with you, and it is not fair to force it on the ex-BF.
My daughter was in the same situation, and I told her the same thing. It’s nice that she cares about him and wants to be friends, but it should be completely up to him to decide on the level of contact.</p>
<p>“She doesnt want to get back together with him, she just wants him in her life and likes seeing him.”</p>
<p>Ditto to what nngmm said above. When she broke up with him, she lost the “right” to have him in her life. It’s now up to him if he chooses to be in her life. A therapist will tell you that to get over a painful break up, all contact should be avoided for a length of time. Basically by keeping in contact with him, she’s prolonging that healing process for him.</p>
<p>Ditto the 3 previous posters. Of course she will miss him, they were together for a long time. But she’ll have to deal with it. </p>
<p>My D tried to do the same thing after she and her bf of 15 months broke up. She INSISTED that they were going to remain friends (they were both still at the same h.s.). It just made everything worse. I explained to her repeatedly that if he was saying he couldn’t be “just friends” with her that she should respect that. Everytime she said, “I care about you and want you as a friend,” he heard, “There’s still a chance for us to get back together as a couple,” even though that is NOT what she meant. The best thing that happened was he finally cut off all contact with her - unfriended her on FB, etc. Then summer came and she didn’t see him for 3 months. When school resumed and they had a class together, it was fine. But as I told her, “You’ve got to have time apart to let things cool down. There’s too much intense emotion and too much hurt for you two to stay friends right now. Maybe in 6 months or a year you can be friends. But not now.” Now that a year has passed she sees that I was right, and says she shouldn’t have forced the “being friends” issue - it made everything ugly.</p>
<p>Your D doesn’t want him as a boyfriend - which seems like a wise decision - she’s going to have to give up having him as a friend as well. If that’s how he wants it, she has to respect that. The counseling center might help her to see that and help her to build new friendships to fill the hole that his absence will leave in her life.</p>
<p>As she told me after the fight, she wasnt just seeing him as friends. It was friends with benefits which made it even more difficult. She needs time and distance but I feel sad for her that she misses him. I told her to put all the effort she put into him into new people and her friends. Its so sad to see your kids have a tough time with relationships. Im just going to stay calm and supportive of her through this tough time. She is very happy though about school this semester thank goodness.</p>
<p>damn damndman they are back together. She was at school a week and desperately missed him. They talked for a long time about everything and worked things out and are back together. She told me she is really happy. I am speechless and have no idea what to say. I know I should support her otherwise it will alienate her and thats the last thing I want to do. Im just so disappointed and now all the crap that happened last semester will happen again. What to do, just let it be I guess? Does this mean they will never break up?</p>
<p>Let it be. I wouldn’t go out of your way to be supportive, but I wouldn’t bad-mouth him either. Just sort of ignore the whole situation.</p>
<p>If I were you I’d be unhappy, too. But as hard as it is to stand back and watch your kid do something you think is stupid, it is her life and her painful lesson to learn.</p>
<p>If he is attending her college next year, it’s hard to tell if they’ll ever break up or not. </p>
<p>Well its beena couple of weeks and D seems to be happy being back with BF after the 2 month break up. She was home last weekend, she split the time evenly between his house and ours which seemed ok, and he is at school with her this weekend. I am so so sad about this. But why am I so sad when she seems so happy? Shes doing well in school, loves her classes, has friends, but she is back to spending all her free time with this guy I dont think is right for her and Im not sure she will ever leave. She has everything in the worlld going for her, shes smart, works hard, athletic, beautiful why is she staying with him. Is she just so afraid of not having a BF that she caved? I dont know if I should have her talk to a counselor or something. But on the outside one would think why in the world would should she as she is happy, does well in school and is taking care of herself. I just dont want her to be in this relationship with him anymore and its killing me that there is nothing I can do about it.I just dont know what to do. I have talked to a counselor but it doesnt really help.</p>
<p>a few things, he cheated on her a few times and REALLY REALLY hurt her. He smokes cigarettes some and D would never and is very against cigarette smoking, that one really concerns me that he could care so little about himself that he would do that knowing how horrible it is for you. He is obsessed with her and monoploizes her so that I feel she does not have any of her free time for friends and the new experience of school. Also it seems some to me that he is a bit emotionally unstable and she is really the only thing that makes him truly happy. That doesnt seem good to me. He writes her cards and notes that say he wants to spend the rest of his life with her and they are just too young for him to be saying stuff like that to her. Has bought her expensive necklace, bracelet, earrings, promise ring, its just too intense. Does this stuff seem bad or is it just typlical intense teenage romance stuff?</p>
<p>Unfortunately we don’t have a say in who our children date or who they ultimately marry. Sometimes as parents we need to just take the backseat and let life take its course. Ironically I know my parents weren’t happy with my choice of spouse. They had known him before me and when he was young and he was abit of a wild child. Ironically along the way all my sibs have divorced (their presumably wonderful spouses) and fortunately over time my parents saw what I saw in my husband and have grown to adore him. He can still be abit of a pain, but his virtues far far outweigh the pain in the ass factor. I’m sure he has a list of “stuff” that isn’t perfect about me. Not saying that it’s happy fairy tale for everyone, but this is an area that unless a child is in an obviously abusive relationship parents need to keep an appropriate distance.</p>
<p>Wow - this is a long thread. I have only read this page and the OP - here is my two cents.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>As difficult as this may be, you have to shift your daughter’s life from the center of your vision to the periphery. You need to become highly engaged with your own stuff, and give her the space to figure things out on her own. If she asks for advice, that is a somewhat different story. In that case, I would still make my guidance take the form of coaching her to find her own way. </p>
<p>Merely learning to muffle it will not be enough. Young adults are negatively impacted when a parent is on an emotional roller coaster with them (and they are very perceptive of the person who raised them). They benefit from a role model for healthy living. </p>
<p>At some point we need to stop trying to control what our almost-grown kids do and practice acceptance. The very lesson you are trying to “protect” her from now may be the one thing she needs to learn in order to inoculate her from a way bigger threat down the road. </p>
<p>Trust the process that is life. Let go - let her find her way (that is her best shot). She has years and years of your advice and upbringing filed right where she needs it. When she is surrounded by less noise, she will be able to better hear the inner voice that you helped to educate. </p>
<p>I agree with the two previous posts. While I understand why this boy would not be your first choice for your daughter, it’s best to let it go unless there are signs of danger or abuse. It really is her decision, and if she seems happy, is doing well in school, and has friends on campus, those are actually good signs that the relationship is not suffocating her and she is maintaining some balance in her life.</p>
<p>I know it’s hard to stand back, but think of it this way: if she had gone to a school far away and had become involved with someone unacceptable, you may not have even known about it. This situation is unusual because she is visiting her home town where the bf still lives, and therefore you are aware of their level of involvement and all the ups and downs in their relationship. I think it’s best to trust her judgment and simply be available if she wants to talk.</p>
<p>I googled and found this forum…I am going through the exact same thing with my daughter. She is 18 years old and is dating a 22 year old for the past year. We didn’t know how old he was when they started dating, we thought he was one or two years older especially since his maturity level is so low. He was kicked out of his mother’s house by her abusive boyfriend and played the “poor me” in the very beginning, and my husband and I let him stay with us temporarily for eight weeks, while I contacted his grandmother on the East coast and she helped him financially find a place to live, etc. Things have gotten worse from there…he is into porn…an anonymous friend sent my daughter sites that her boyfriend has of himself naked, looking for “hookups” he since deleted it. There is so much more, it is unbelievable…we are a very Christian-Catholic family, an extremely close family, and sometimes I barely recognize my daughter. She told me they’ve had sex, which is heartbreaking, but I know that is the tie that binds. Last Saturday, she came home drunk. She’s never been drunk before. The weasel dropped her off at the door, never coming in or explaining how much she had to drink, etc. I’m thinking it was a couple of beers…it ended up being shots. I was sick to death when I found this out, thinking I could have lost my girl to alcohol poisoning by someone who “loves” her. She has seen a counselor twice, whom she loved. I don’t think he approved of that and now she’s not going to go and talk to her anymore. I’m so lost. I just truly want to talk to people that have been through similar things or are going through it now. Please tell me there is a light at the end of this very black tunnel.</p>
<p>My daughter had a boyfriend we knew was inappropriate when she was a freshman in hs - not nearly as bad as your situation (they were the same age) but he drank and was encouraging her to do all sorts of things that just were not in her normal personality. She was having problems with her girl friends at the time and so was clinging to this boy as a life raft, and he was taking advantage of that. </p>
<p>One danger for “good girls” is that they think they can save “Misunderstood Boy.” The rest of the world sees him as a bad guy, but “only she” get to see the “sweet, troubled” boy that is underneath, and she thinks she can save him. Sometimes it takes a while before they realize they’re being used and the only person who can save him is him.</p>
<p>I would think that the friend who sent the nude photos of him would have set off warning bells for your daughter. She may be going thru a “rebellious” phase. All I can tell you is that if you have raised her with high standards, and she knows that you love her unconditionally but that your standards also remain high, she will get through this phase and come back to you. Make sure she knows that although you don’t approve of her behavior, you are a safe haven for her - so she doesn’t get the idea that running off with him is her only option.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, I know what it’s like to not sleep thru the night for weeks at a time, waking up with worry. You may need to get counseling for yourself, even if your daughter won’t go - or maybe family counseling. Good luck!</p>