<p>I think you need to talk to your daughter one on one and explain to her how you feel. Seems like an obvious answer, but you said you have a good relationship, and maybe between screaming and her hardly being around, she doesn’t get it. She might just need for you to put it plainly to her for her to understand (yelling and arguing isn’t going to help and she’s going to want to “escape” to her boyfriend’s house after it all). Remember: you attract more bees with honey than vinegar.</p>
<p>I’m wondering if I missed something on this thread. The way I’m reading it is as follows:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Daughter has a boyfriend that mom really doesn’t want her to have.</p></li>
<li><p>Mom puts lots of pressure on daughter to break up with boyfriend, even withholding visits to daughter at one point and bringing up displeasure constantly.</p></li>
<li><p>Daughter gets upset about mom’s cold shoulder and finally agrees to break up with boyfriend, although she still has strong feelings for him.</p></li>
<li><p>Because daughter really doesn’t want to break up (and now have no contact) with boyfriend, but also wants to please her mother, she breaks up with boyfriend several times and then gives in and sees him again.</p></li>
<li><p>Now boyfriend’s mom is angry at daughter (which I agree isn’t appropriate), making the daughter even more upset. Mom has now used this new information to encourage daughter to completely block all contact with boyfriend, even trying to have daughter see a therapist to encourage “no contact”.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>It sounds like the real problem is that the daughter still wants the boyfriend, but can’t deal with the tremendous pressure from her parents to break up with said boyfriend. So daughter is miserable, and mother is happy daughter is now in the “broken up” phase but can’t understand why daughter is so miserable.</p>
<p>Am I missing something? If not, I predict that this daughter will at some point really rebel against a very controlling situation…</p>
<p>I have read most of the thread over time and I think you are missing something. The OP may be controlling of the DD but here is a post regarding the D’s breakup with the BF. </p>
<p>"Ok people you are not going to believe this. I was shocked. I picked up my daughter from school on Monday afternoon for Thanksgiving break. She poured her heart out to me about that she couldnt keep this up with her BF. She spends every weekend with him and it still wasnt enough. He was always upset at her not knowing what she was doing or who she was with and they always argued. She spent the last weekend without him as she had too much to do and he went ballistic saying she was cheating on him. She said she loves him but she just cant keep it up and she wants to settle into school as she loves it but has no time. SO she BROKE up with him. "</p>
<p>If we knew them all IRL we would probably know the whole story. The way the OP presents this one, the BF is very controlling, perhaps even more so than the girl’s mother (OP). To top that off, now that BF’s mother is involved, texting and harassing the girl. All around not a good situation. </p>
<p>Many posters commented on the OP needing to let the D make her own decisions. Now that she has a made a decision posters are commenting on their experiences and warning flags with the BF and his mother.</p>
<p>You’re right ebee…I did miss that post! Sounds like daughter is dealing with over-controlling people all around her. That must be tremendous pressure.</p>
<p>I don’t think the OP is over-controlling. She bit her lip and tried not to complain too much when the D was spending all her weekends at the BF’s house. Now that the D has broken up with the BF she’s trying to help her. Sounds fine to me. Who of us wouldn’t want to talk to our kid when we think they’re making bad decisions? In the end, it’s their decision and they have to live with the consequences, but there’s nothing wrong with heartfelt advice.</p>
<p>To the OP…My daughter was in a long term relationship since her jr. year of highschool and it ended right after the Christmas break last year when she was a freshman in college. He was a wonderful young man and our entire family really liked him. His behavior during the initial break up period was a bit overwhelming. He called her all the time at school and rehashed the relationship and the break up. My daughter probably would have revisited this relationship had he not put so much pressure on her. I really believe she loved him. This past summer (6 months after the breakup) he still tried to get back together with her and it actually looked liked they were going to start seeing each other again but then he started to rehash the whys and how could she aspects of the breakup and my daughter was done. She completly blocked him from all phones, facebook and some other social network. My daughter asked every one of her friends to block him and she was completly over him.</p>
<p>The interesting thing is that all three of my sons are good friends with him and they are all interested in the same type of activities so they spend alot of time together. My daughter had forgot to renew the phone block (it automatically disengages after 6 months) and he called her to invite her to lunch. I could tell that she is not really interested and has moved on but she considered having lunch with him. He now seems like he has moved on but my daughters instinct is that he may be dating but he is still interested. She has decided not to have lunch with him.</p>
<p>The point of my post is that the more your daughters boyfriend persists the more she will be driven away. At this age most young ladies have little to none patience for a guy that is this clingy. Your daughter is a first year college student and it sounds like she wants to spread her wings a bit and not feel like she needs to answer to anyone. As far as his mom is concerned, that will probably be the straw that breaks the camels back. My daughter never liked her boyfriends mother and never felt like she was welcomed in his home. She felt that they were phony in their attempt to be nice and my daughter saw right through it. If your daughters boyfriends’ mom keeps this up she will in effect drive your daughter further away, making your daughter feel like she really needs to run.</p>
<p>At this age they will have relationships that we like and others that we don’t like. The ones we like, they may not like, and those we don’t like they seem to like. It really is a growing period, and a time when they are learning about themselves and even learning about the type of young man they may want in the future. I could not stand the more recent boyfriend my daughter was seeing (if you call a long distance relationship without seeing each other a relationship) and right up until he came home for Christmas break they were chatty on the phone. She dumped him before she even saw him for break. </p>
<p>Give your daughter the space and an ear and if you see things that do not seem healthy than point them out to her without making it a big shouting match or major event. Your daughter sounds like she wants out of this and she will get out when he has pushed her to the point that she just cuts him off. Only then will it be done.</p>
<p>Wow thank you for all of your posts. I did not by any means force my daughter to break up with her bf. I was trying to get her to stop leaving school to stay at his house but other than that I was supportive, and have been through their 15 month relationship. I have talked to her a ton about this recently with no yelling at all. The fighting with her ended over a month ago. We have not fought since early November. We did not fight at all over Thanksgiving break or over the 2 week she has been home now on break. I have given her my advice and tried to explain to her that she is not responsible for him. She has to do what she wants to do. She has said she still cares about him and wants to see him some while she is home on break but she doesnt want to get back together with him. She really does not want a boyfriend at all right now, so she said. She said she has had one since she was 14 and she needs a break to do what she wants and be more independent. Her BF before this one lasted 2 years. I did explain to her that is very difficult and doesnt work but I know she has to figure that out for herself. He has come over a few times while she has been home and I have been incredibly nice to him. Its so hard to see your child go through relationship troubles and you want to help them so badly. I have now realized that she has to figure this out for herself. She keeps telling me whats going on though so it is difficult.</p>
<p>also, my daughter has been really happy since breaking up with him. The only times she gets unhappy and sad is when she talks to him or sees him. Otherwise she is incredibly happy go lucky, seeing her friends, and seems to be very relieved.</p>
<p>and all of her friends at school and at home are advising her to end it totally with him. He also cheated on her this semester a few times which she knows about. He claims it was because it was so difficult with her at college and he was so resentful and sad and missed he so much. I know its not my business but freaking kick him to the cub, if you know what I mean. I never said that to her but this is her decision, not mine…</p>
<p>I meant kick him to the curb… not cub</p>
<p>I only read the first page and this last one (don’t have time right now to read them all) so I see some things must have transpired since your first post. </p>
<p>My D was in the same situation as a freshman in college. Her BF was still a junior in HS, even though they were only a year apart in age. She kept her ties to him, even though they had a somewhat “open” relationship, until her second year. Fortunately, coming home for the weekend was not an option since she was halway across the country. Now, she says she wishes she had broken ties completely. She realizes that it made it hard for her to commit to being at this college and was always halfway out the door (constantly talking about transferring to a school closer to home).</p>
<p>When she confided all this to me, I was really glad. I was glad that she had come to this realization by herself, and that I’d kept my mouth shut. BF attachments are not issues that parents should directly influence because D needs to find her own sense of autonomy. I think this whole thing is not just about the BF but about maturity and becoming comfortable being out on your own, and learning to think of college as “home”. Often freshmen want to keep their ties to home because it’s just too terrifying otherwise. It takes some time to cut the strings.</p>
<p>There IS a long view to keep in mind though. Once your kids are this age, I think it’s important to not pressure them into spending time with family, except for really important occasions. It will interfere with their growing sense of adulthood if the the old familial relationships (parent to child, especially) are constantly being reinforced.That in turn will make them even more anxious to get away. The great news is that they will eventually come back, because they want to, out of love and appreciation for their family, and not just out of obligation. But that only happens if you give them the space to “ignore” their family. You really don’t have any choice but to swallow your hurt. You can tell her that you love her and miss her but you can’t really set the terms of her interactions with your family anymore. Be patient. And I sympathize. I’ve been there (twice).</p>
<p>On a side note: Our 25 yr. old son spent the entire Christmas weekend with us, out of choice, rather than with his GF and her family. I could see how much he enjoyed being back, doing nothing but hanging out with us, eating, watching movies, teasing his sister home from college. Five years ago he was bolting out the door as soon as he swallowed dessert.</p>
<p>well my daughter is now seeing him again some. She goes back to school on Sunday and she said she was just seeing hin cause she is home. When she goes back to school she doesnt want him to visit her. I dont know. I guess she is confused of course. He left here the other night and I could tell he was crying. Iasked her about it and she said he was crying as she will not wear the necklace, earrings, and bracelet he gave her over the past year. She just doesnt want to. I feel so bad that she is so confused and honestly I feel bad for him. He was quite close with our family while D was in high school. Dinner several nights a week, tons of time at our house, out to dinner with us, etc etc. The truth is I know they will both be fine but its so hard to go through this as a parent. I think I am not going to talk about him to her unless she brings it up. She has to figure this out and balance everything else she has coming up in school nex semester. But I will be here for her when she wants t talk about anything including him. Is that the right approach? My advice doesnt really help. She has to figure this out herself.Mousegray and momma3 thanks so much for your insights. It helps so so much. I just dont think our generations parents went through this…</p>
<p>also he got into her school early and he is going there. So she is going to have to figure out how to handle him and her relationship and figure out shat she wants over time with him or someone else for that matter. oy…</p>
<p>He is going to her college? Ick, that is bad news. She’s gonna have THAT much more drama to deal with. I hope he is going there because it’s a good school for him and not because she’s there… kinda doubt it based on what you’ve told us though. If he gives her any trouble once he’s there she should notify campus security immediately. </p>
<p>Cheating on her and blaming the cheating on missing her is a sign of a person who is totally self-centered and immature (and possibly controlling). The inability to take responsibility for his own actions and his own life will not serve him well in the future, and doesn’t speak well of him or make it sound like he’s someone she should allow back into her life in any serious way. Obviously they have a history and have meant a great deal to each other, but there are some bridges that need to be burned and this is one of them.</p>
<p>Yes I agree. But am I right to back off and stay out of it as much as I can now? She knows my advice but I cant get all wrapped up in her following my advice. I am bound to be disappointed. She has to do what seems right for her and figure it out on her own, right?
of course i am not happy he is going there…</p>
<p>I would keep the dialogue very open, not judgemental. It may just play itself out. What I would watch out for is if he becomes a dangerous stalker, then your daughter will need you by her side. The worst thing is if she were to become isolated (too ashamed to tell you what’s going, and has no one to turn to) If finance is possible I would consider taking her somewhere away from him this summer. It would give both of them some distance and they may grow apart. I think your daughter is getting tired of the young man, but is feeling sorry for him</p>
<p>I am hoping that this semester gives them distance so the summer is not a problem. She has a wonderful lifeguard job at a camp at home which she loves. Honestly even though she says the last thing she wants now is anther boyfriend, I think thats the only thing that can really end it for her. Its so easy to fall back on someone who is comfortable and crazy about you when you want intamacy, whether he is what you really want or not. But she is going to take her time with another BF, Im pretty sure. My role though in whatever she does though has to mellow out, at least that is what my husband tells me… as well as many people on this site</p>
<p>I agree with oldfort. </p>
<p>But you have my sympathy - we Mama Bears can become VERY defensive when it comes to our cubs!</p>
<p>He is attending the same school as your daughter this coming September? This would have driven my daughter crazy had this happened when they first broke up. Now as the months have passed she would have been fine with it, but not at the time of the breakup. Interesting thing has happened with my daughter, her ex has not made contact with her in the past three weeks and sons have told her that he has moved on and is seeing another young lady. Now my daughter has started saying things like “I never hated him when we broke up”, and “he is a great guy”, there were many other statements as well, but I get the feeling that she is having some second thoughts about not leaving the door open, but she won’t say that (too stubborn). </p>
<p>REGARDING THE BOYFRIEND ATTENDING SAME SCHOOL:
I would have been concerned if this scenario occured with my daughter because when they feel caged they tend to really go in the opposite direction. Your daughter needs to be in school and free to talk to whomever she likes without feeling that the boyfriend will want a two hour discussion as to who the other boy is, and why she had a smile on her face when he saw her talking. Thats what these young relationships become when one person is beginning to want something else. The obsession which seems like love becomes distructive out of the sheer panic that it may be ending. How does your daughter feel now that he is planning on attending the same school? I am sure when he applied they both had wanted that, but now that she has been on campus a while, she must be feeling awkward that he will be in her space. They will either end up getting back together or she will reject him completely. The problem is, she has her education to concentrate on and this will be a huge distraction and not to mention a time comsuming proposition. My daughters grades dropped the winter semester that they she broke up with her boyfriend and her ability to focus on school while he was calling her became difficult for her. I was unaware at the time that she was struggling so much with this. </p>
<p>Does your daughter have a plan of action in mind? She should really consider completely ending this now so that he could also have a chance to get over her before he arrives on campus. These relationships are really a pain in the neck when you consider how distracting they are. My daughter had another “relationship” with a boy 1,000 miles away. I could not believe how much time she spent on the phone with a virtual stranger (only 4 dates in real life). They spoke every night for at least an hour. That ended the day before he got home from his break. She decided that he was not at all like her original boyfriend…go figure.</p>
<p>momma3 that sounds like quite a similar situation. I dont know what will happen and I think my D is so confused she does not have any plan at all come next week of september. She is not happy he is going to her school but she knows she has no choice. She has to figure out how to deal with him and how much she wants him in her life. And oldfort and lafalum, I will try very hard to just listen and not be judgmental. This is not a good situation but learning how to deal with relationships are part of growing up I guess. But we have to be there as parents to step in and help if and when they want us to right?</p>