<p>I would not play the monetary card if I were you; it may force your daughter to stay home, but it’s not likely to make her enjoy being around you. Just the opposite. You catch more flies with honey; tell her you love her and miss her and would like to spend more time with her. Note: Not “would like to spend every minute with her.” Just SOME of her time.</p>
<p>Also, do not try to bluff her about college, money, or living arrangements unless you’re prepared to follow through. What will you feel worse about–her sleeping at her BF’s house or her never completing college because you cut off her money after she called your bluff? Most kids will back down but if you have one who won’t . . . Well, I will leave that thought hanging.</p>
<p>I’d just like to point out, as a college student myself, that if you told her you missed her and wanted more time with her I’m sure she’d accommodate you ( I would, if I were her). It’s the yelling and screaming “my house my rules” kinda thing that tends not to be so effective, as it’s a little difficult to interpret that as a gesture of love. I think a lot of parents are right too in that it’s possible the relationship will die out, especially because of the “obsessed with each other” thing (been there, done that, was glad to have a supportive parent after wards :)). But in the mean time, you really should try to respect her decision to see this guy; it sounds like you want her to break up with him, but short of him being some horrible, abusive influence I think most would agree you don’t have much say in the matter.</p>
<p>Anyhow, that’s just my two cents there. Hearing an “I love you” or “I miss you” from you every once once a while probably will do your relationship the most good right now; I never really had my mother say that to me until I went to college, but it certainly meant a lot to me when she finally did, and we’ve somewhat grown closer since.</p>
<p>I would like to know how many parents here would let their college aged kids to have their boy/girlfriend sleep in the same room under their roof? What would you think of a kid who doesn’t go home when he/she is in town on a regular basis?</p>
<p>How well you treat your boy/girlfriend has to do with how much respect you have for the other person. I think the fact OP “threw a fit” in front of BF was a good thing. It showed BF that the daughter was loved in her own family. She’s missed when she is not around. It’s better than “don’t let the door hit you on your way out.”</p>
<p>OP- I think you need to think about what is your true objection to this situation.<br>
Is it that she is sleeping with her boyfriend?
Or is it that she’s not coming home to spend time with you?
Or is it that it’s THIS particular boy?
Or is it that you don’t feel she’s settling into college?
Or is it specifically that she is spending the weekend at this boys home?</p>
<p>If she were dating a guy that is in college she would likely be sleeping with him every weekend anyway and she would not be coming home to be with you. Do you really want her to come home with you or to settle in at college? She can’t really settle in at college if she’s coming home to you on the weekends regardless if she’s sleeping with this guy. If she comes back to town and doesnt tell you is that much different than if she were to just stay at college for the weekend?
What is your true concern in the situation? Maybe if you can clarify that in your own mind it will help you decide on the best course of action.</p>
<p>I think the OP is perfectly clear - she misses her daughter.</p>
<p>I think the title of the thread is misleading: “I fight with my daughter when she comes home from college.” She’s NOT coming home. She’s going to her BF’s house. That’s not her home. It might be in the same town, but it’s not her home.</p>
<p>What a lot of this boils down to is a power struggle. The mom just wants to spend quality time with her D - if the D isn’t going to stay at school, then the mom would like her to spend some time with her at home. The other posters can go on all they want about financial support and the rules of the house and showing respect - but it’s all a power struggle. The girl is 18. Unless the mom is willing to cut her off financially - and she’s NOT willing to do that - there’s not a whole lot she can do, except try to reason with her. Threatening and taking away priveleges and stuff like that will simply create a bigger power struggle.</p>
<p>I’m not so sure the OP is “perfectly clear”. I think that is being overly simplistic. If it is only that “she misses her daughter” then that the answer to that issue is different than if she is upset that she is sleeping at this boys house or that she’s not getting settled into college (per her original post) or that she’s not spending enough time with her family. Why even mention the fact that her daughter is sleeping with the guy if the problem is only that “she misses her daughter”?</p>
<p>"I would like to know how many parents here would let their college aged kids to have their boy/girlfriend sleep in the same room under their roof? "</p>
<p>Wouldn’t allow that.</p>
<p>“What would you think of a kid who doesn’t go home when he/she is in town on a regular basis?”</p>
<p>If the kid were spending time with their romantic partner as is the case with the OP’s D, I’d think that the kid was in the throes of love. I would not be expecting the kid to be visiting me when they basically were returning home to visit their romantic partner. While I’d miss my kid, I’d also miss my kid if s/he were staying at college over those weekends, which is what I’d prefer that my kid would be doing instead of coming home so frequently.</p>
<p>I would, though, expect the kid to be spending some (not all of their) time with me during a holiday like Thanksgiving if s/he chose to come to his/her hometown for the holiday. To sweeten the deal, I’d invite their romantic partner over for Thanksgiving dinner or for some other special dinner during that break period.</p>
<p>oldfort I will answer your question. First a side note on decorum (I love that word). A few years back prior to a performance a student my D’s age was playing tonsil hockey with her bf in the audience. I was in charge of the front of the house. I went over, cleared my throat and said “a little decorum please”. The girl asked “What is decorum?” I told her “decorum is keeping one’s own tongue in one’s own mouth1” My DD thought it was hilarious. Said I should start my own urban dictionary. </p>
<p>Now to the question you posed: DS who is 20 came home this summer. Brought along a gf from across the country. Her mother had no problem with any of this! Had never met us, etc. We had never met the girl. I had a conversation with my son prior to the visit that went like this. “she will be in your room, you will be in the family room (other end of the house.)” He protested a bit. I told him, this is a deal breaker for me. We have a daughter still at home that same age. It isn’t about what you are doing in the privacy of your apartment. It’s about our being comfortable.<br>
Picked the gf and son up at the airport. Reiterated the rule. Said I wanted no one to be uncomfortable. GF said “I’m uncomfortable just having this conversation.” She was happy to be alone in his room. So no I wouldn’t allow it in my house. Not sure what I would do in the reverse situation. Parents can’t really stop this girl from staying at bf’s house. They can talk to her about birth control (which I did with son). I debated having the birth control conversation with the gf too but I inadvertently saw her pills so the conversation became unnecessary.<br>
They can tell both bf and girl that they are uncomfortable with the situation.<br>
I do not advocate ultimatums or pulling money from the dd but of course these parents must make their own decisions.
Isn’t life interesting? What happened to the good old days when we never discussed sex with our parents? My son asked me about oral sex when he was 10 (thank you Bill Clinton) yikes.</p>
<p>OP: Aren’t you glad you posted your question here? This thread is filled with such great advice from such amazing, insightful people! Bravo/Brava c.c. parents!</p>
<p>I myself have not gone through such an experience as my D is still in high school, so I can’t really give advice on what to do. However, I will say this:</p>
<p>When my D goes away to college, it will be at least a three to four hour flight back home for her. The EARLIEST she will come back is Thanksgiving weekend. So all these visits your daughter has been making back home- be thankful for the few moments that you have been able to see her. Be thankful that the boyfriend is in your town, what if he were in another college two hours away in the opposite direction from you?</p>
<p>OK…we are the “other family”…not this one in particular but we have the situation that S’s GF went to college 2 hours away; S is senior in HS. BOth are 18 and they have been together for 18 months. GF has been home 3 times and S has gone to college 2 times. I didn’t think it was a good idea for so much visiting. I though GF should get a stable life at school and develop a social circle, but I am not her mother. Personally, I would have, like the OP, encouraged her to stay at school on weekends and when visiting, stay in the family home. However…</p>
<p>S goes to GF house when she visits and spends the weekend, but the last time GF came to our house and didn’t even see her mother?! I found this odd in the extreme and even odder that her mother didn’t call to thank us for hosting daughter. Has OP called the BF family to thank them for hosting daughter? Will daughter see this as meddling?</p>
<p>I do put S and GF in seperate bedrooms when she stays over–we have a guest futon in the basement. Pleasant and with its own bathroom. the discussion has not even come up about sharing a bedroom…but they could be sneaking around or taking advantage of times alone. I don’t really know or care. When S is financially independent and chooses to live with someone or brings someone home, they can stay together…financially independent means they can bring their lifestyle into my home. My parents did this and I didn’t ask to share a room with BF until I met my current husband. However, my D (freshman in HS) wants to know whether I will be as accomodating for her in the future…I tell her “welcome to the double standard”…but seriously, the attitude of GF mother is a bit of a problem for me as mother of daughter. I spend a lot of time reminding S about safe sex, respecting partner, love, etc because I don’t want either to get hurt and I don’t think GF family is providing adequate guidance.</p>
<p>I really don’t want her staying at our house too often during her freshman year (luckily we are traveling for both holidays) and I would like them to see other people…not because she isn’t nice but I want my S to pick school for the “fit” not because GF is there (her college is his financial and academic safety). </p>
<p>Perhaps BF family is not so keen on OP’s D visiting either? Just because his family is OK sharing rooms, doesn’t mean they don’t have reservations about the relationship also. Would it be too weird to have BF and his family over during the holidays for a meal? I like the idea of being frank with D about missing her, including the BF in some family activities during holidays, but also remind her that BF also is in his last year at home and needs to have time for his family, his friends and his schoolwork (my pet peeve with our S’s GF is that she is insensitive to these issues). It is in the interest of both to keep up relationships with friends and family and while first love is very intense, they will regret it if they neglect other aspects of their lives. Best wishes from the other side of the coin…</p>
<p>“DS who is 20 came home this summer. Brought along a gf from across the country. Her mother had no problem with any of this! Had never met us, etc. We had never met the girl”</p>
<p>Why would you expect her parents to be involved? She was an adult used to making her own decisions about where to travel, etc. It’s normal for college students and other adults to bring their romantic partners to meet their families.</p>
<p>"had a conversation with my son prior to the visit that went like this. “she will be in your room, you will be in the family room (other end of the house.)” "</p>
<p>This makes sense to me. I’m surprised your S protested. I think that most college age adults would be a bit embarrassed to be in a situation where they could be having sex with their sweeties while being overheard by their parents. Instead, they just wait until their parents are at work or otherwise occupied elsewhere.</p>
<p>I would say that your D is 18 and she is an adult , legally and in her own head.
My older D who lives a few hours away, often would not even tell me she had been in town until she was back home!( just to see friends, not even a boyfriend).
I know it is hard, my youngest spent 4 months out of the country when she was 18, and most of the time, I couldn’t even get a hold of her.</p>
<p>If you like the young man, and he treats your daughter well- I would try and let it run its course, and not try and control that .</p>
<p>Ok let me be more clear. I miss my daughter but I would not be upset at all if she was at college and not coming home until breaks. The issue is the boyfriend, not me missing her. It breaks my heart that she was in town and stayed at his house. Yes because it was not my house,but even more than that the issue that she is not settling into school because of him. With coming “home” every other weekend and him going there on alternate weekends how can she make friends and imagine maturing and moving forward in life? Then of course it is the issue that when she comes home, we want her to be with our family and stay in our home. We have always been welcoming to her boyfriend. We are not as lenient as his parents, who allow anything, but we are welcoming. And we have let him sleep over. Sex is NOT the issue here. We talked a ton about that last year and my daughter is on bc pills. I know she has sex and I am ok about them sleeping together. Its 2 issues. 1-She is missing out on weekends at college and all that comes with that. The more she does that the harder it will be to settle in. 2- she is being hurtful to us by coming into town and sleeping at his house. If she is going to come into town instead of being at school, I want her to be in our home. I want this behavior to stop and I dont approve of it. I am not going to invite his parents for anything as I do not like them for what they have allowed without telling me. Now knowing these are the issues, the question is how to move forward?? I when I say Thankgsgiving, I dont just mean the day, I mean the break time as a whole…</p>
<p>And I would never thank the mom for hosting her. Are you kidding?? I didnt even know about it and I am so hurt that she let this happen without telling me.</p>
<p>Panda, thank you for your insight. It was really nice to hear from a 19 year old viewpoint. Yes I am a mom now but I guess I do remember. I wouldnt have dreamed of leaving the college campus other than breaks. But I got a boyfriend the first week of college and closed myself up entirely with him. It greatly hurt me in terms of making other friends and enjoying other aspects of school. We stayed together for 2 and half years of school and then broke up. Second semester senior year I started a relationship with one of his friends and we have been married for 20 years. Its a different situation but looking at it as an outsider some might say it was worse . Although I never hurt my parents because of my relationship.Thank you Panda for taking the time to respond being a teenager yourself. Its hard to see life from the other side…</p>
<p>I want to mend me and my daughter’s relationship AND get her to spend more time with the family. AND I also want her to stop travelling to her boyfriends house on the weekends and settle into school.</p>
<p>"It breaks my heart that she was in town and stayed at his house. Yes because it was not my house,but even more than that the issue that she is not settling into school because of him. With coming “home” every other weekend and him going there on alternate weekends how can she make friends and imagine maturing and moving forward in life? "</p>
<p>I agree with you. However, you can’t control your life, and she’ll have to learn the hard way how she’s allowing a romantic relationship to impede her having a full college experience. Do keep in mind that she would be impeding her college experience just as much if she were spending all of her non classroom time with an on campus boyfriend, something I stupidly did during part of my college experience.</p>
<p>“When of course it is the issue that when she comes home, we want her to be with our family and stay in our home.”</p>
<p>It sounds like you’re hurt that she’s choosing his family over yours. I’m seeing things differently. Staying at the boyfriend’s probably lets her feel like a more independent person than if she stayed with you. By staying at your house – even with your being lenient about her boyfriend – she’d feel more like she were still in high school. Staying at boyfriend’s house let’s her feel more like she’s a college student since she’s not staying at home.</p>
<p>“I am not going to invite his parents for anything as I do not like them for what they have allowed without telling me.”</p>
<p>The parents are under no responsibility to tell you what your adult daughter is doing.</p>
<p>It’s a mistake to shut them out of your life because they may become your in-laws. If there’s bad blood between you and them, your daughter and her husband may permanently choose to be with them. Right now, I really think your D is being with them because being with you would make her feel like she’s in high school. Unless you drop your resentment toward his parents, your D could eventually chose to be with them because of your bad feelings toward his parents.</p>
<p>Mom, you can either dig yourself a hole and fill it with the misery of disliking the BF’s parents, your D’s spending weekends at their house, not settling in at college, and a whole host of other things- or you can get out of your hole.</p>
<p>You can’t manipulate her into staying at school on the weekends when she’s already figured out how to spend the weekends with the BF. You can’t guilt her into spending her free time with you. You can’t somehow magically get her to realize that the BF is preventing her from settling in to college life.</p>
<p>What you can do is find a way to dial down the drama- for your own sanity, and to allow your D the breathing room to discover, all on her own, that having a home town BF is a nice security blanket, but ultimately, is not allowing her to discover college life. Or meet more interesting men. Or spend time with fun female friends. Or take the energy she’s devoting to her sex life and put it into medieval history or ancient cave paintings or Russian Literature or whatever else she’s taking.</p>
<p>You can’t do that by escalating the drama and making ultimatums. Believe me- she’s figured out " I want this behavior to stop and I don’t approve of it." The problem is that she doesn’t care that you don’t approve and you haven’t given her any graceful way to regain her footing with you.</p>
<p>So now what???</p>
<p>I say invite the hideous BF’s family over, kill them all with kindness and hospitality, invite them for cocoa and pancakes Sunday morning before you drive your D back to college, let your D get sick of them all on her own. By keeping them at arms length you are just reinforcing your D’s POV that you are a controlling witch and they are the cool parents in the equation.</p>
<p>But for my ten cents… knowing that your D is having sex and having a frank adult conversation with her about STD’s, seeing a gynecologist, having the HPV series vaccine, etc. is not the same thing. Just because your D is on the pill doesn’t mean she’s not at risk for HIV or god knows what.</p>
<p>OP, I confess, I didn’t think to tell the GF mother that she was staying with us. I just assumed she knew and was surprised when she didn’t visit her mom that weekend. I don’'t think you can be angry at BF mom for “letting it happen”–at least not the first time. I was primarily tracking my S’s whereabouts and found it weird that GF mom never contacted me when her daughter came to stay–now I see that she may not have even known daughter was in town. </p>
<p>I have said “no” to S going for another visit before holidays because he has his college apps to finish. He is negotiating finishing every app by Dec 1 to visit again after Thanksgiving. If GF mom called me and said she was concerned that her daughter was neglecting studies, neglecting her family, etc. I would be very supportive and I would not let GF stay with us without knowledge and acceptance by GF mom. After reading your posts and seeing your side of things, if GF is coming, I will just check in with GF mom to see if she wants to “drop something off” or come by for dinner. This gives opportunity for GF mom to say if she is concerned, knows about trip etc. Could you call BF mom and ask if it is ok to drop something over there on a Friday for D because you may not be able to see her on the weekend visit? Does that seem too weird? </p>
<p>I called GF mom when my son was planning to first visit GF at college to say he was going to the college. She already knew about the planned visit but appreciated the call and told me how D was doing from her point of view. If she had said that she was against the visit, I would have told my S not to go–18 or not–he lives with us and even if he paid his bus ticket–he lives by our rules. Also, no way I would have let her stay with us if I knew the mom had a problem with this. However, she may have had a problem with it but just felt it was too sensitive to tell me (it would be hard to admit D doesn’t visit mom on a trip home). Don’t blame BF mom too much (please!) because she may be thinking you are ok with it and fully aware of it or out of town or…</p>
<p>After seeing OPs post, I do think that next time GF plans on coming, I will ask her if she wants to have her Mom over for dinner (GF family lives about 45 minutes away in far out suburb). While our kids are adults in the technical sense, they are in their little self-centered bubble and it is up to us to demonstrate behavior that is thoughtful and considerate. Does your daughter do anything for BF family when she stays? Provide a dessert, clean up after dinners, offer to cook or walk the dog? Over the holidays you may want to encourage that attitude so that she sees that she is a guest of her BF parents not of her BF! My S’s GF is little shy to do this but S has made some effort and it goes a long way to making me think of her as a mature person capable of making decisions that take into consideration everyone’s feelings.</p>