<p>Sorry that you are going through this. Your son may or may not have a serious problem. I would recommend getting educated first. Check out some foums like the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers subforum of Sober Recovery to consider what you might be facing. Hopefully, your son is not headed down that road but the more you know the better. I think you need to talk to your son. Likely he will tell you that you should mind your own business and deny or minimize the implications of what you found. Personally, I would have him take a LOA from college and bring him home to try and figure out what you are dealing with. Good luck.</p>
<p>Reading through these posts, I am amazed at some of the responses you have received. I think we have become a society that has come to accept underage drinking and smoking pot as normal behaviors for many college students. It appears as if some people feel that cocaine use isn’t that much of a concern either. I admit that I have come to accept drinking as part of the college culture but I will never accept the use of pot or hard drugs. Pot is a gateway drug to other substances. Anyone who says it isn’t is lying. I take an extremely hard line with drug usage as I had someone very close to me with a terrible cocaine problem many years ago. The change in behavior and physical appearance is minor at first. Those close to the abuser tend to explain away the changes initially mostly out of denial I believe. But as the disease (and it is a disease) progresses, you just can’t turn a blind eye anymore, it becomes much too obvious. He is funding his habit somehow. Either pouring through his (and your) money or selling the drugs to pay for his habit. Do you have access to his bank accounts? Follow the money. You will start seeing weekly withdrawals which will indicate what type of problem he has. If there is no money in and no money out then you can assume he is dealing and using cash to fund his habit. But regardless, the physical changes don’t lie. They will look pale, thin, sleep deprived (because they are). Often times coke users have this weird constant sniffing habit. They are always touching their nose and face. Have you seen bloody tissues in your wastebaskets when he is home? Coke users often get bloody noses that they blame on “dry” air. Do you find tubes of paper, straws, money rolled up in weird places? They are terrible at hiding these things. </p>
<p>If my college age son had this stuff in his backpack, I would have confronted him immediately knowing full well he would try and lie his way out of it. They can be soooooo convincing. And when you don’t believe it they pull the pity card and act all indignant about how could you ever think that they would ever do drugs. They are master manipulators playing on your raw emotions and heartbreak to convince you that you are the one with the problem (thinking they have a problem). As their addicition increases they become extremely paranoid (I am surprised he left this stuff in plain sight in his room). You didn’t confront him so I would drive to his school, meet him and have him do a urine test right there on the spot. That will confirm your suspicions. If the test comes back +, I would put him in treatment immediately. It is a tough drug to quit and it will take longer than a 30 day stay in a residential treatment facility. Once clean and mentally able I would have him finish his college career at home at a local university. Putting him back in his original environment will only compound the problem of relapsing. You can’t give him any money (but he will be in treatment and won’t need it anyway). If he is using, he can beat his addiction. You, your husband and daughter should also get into therapy to better understand the addict. Most treatment facilities offer family counseling as part of the treatment process. </p>
<p>I am proud and happy to say that my relative did 120 days in a treatment facility and to this day (nearly 29 years later) has never relapsed. He was not in college at the time but in his late 20’s when he got into cocaine. He was a professional who lost his home, his practice and had to leave the area he was living in and start over. But he did it. It wasn’t easy, he refused treatment initally but decided to go when the choice was between jail and rehab. </p>
<p>Confirm your suspicions and then get him the help he needs. It is fine to love him, you just don’t want to love him to death.</p>
<p>Well…I think the advice given has been mostly pretty good. That being said, I have a lot of trouble believing the OP’s story. It’s just too pat. I mean, the backpack contained THREE boxes of condoms, BOTH cocaine and marijuana, AND a “handle” of hard liquor? Who refers to a “handle” of liquor, anyway? That’s a bottle of booze so big it has a handle. All this stuff was in the backpack he brought home for the WEEKEND?</p>
<p>And everything else about him, including his grades, is just hunky-dory? I just don’t buy this fact pattern–it sounds like a hypothetical, perhaps posed by somebody whose parents are threatening to cut him off because they found a couple of roaches in the ash tray in his car.</p>
<p>I think that it is important NOT to make assumptions. Your son may or may not be a coke addict. Although it is indeed very addictive, plenty of people use it occasionally and are not addicts. And, as JHS said, MANY people experiment with drugs and alcohol in college and emerge without problems. That is not to say that there is no cause for concern.</p>
<p>You say that there was a bag of white powder. How much was in that bag? A teaspoon, a tablespoon, a quarter of a cup, a cup? A gram of coke is a very small amount. If your son had a bag with half a cup of powder in it, either it wasn’t coke, or he is dealing.</p>
<p>Something that occurs to me would explain why he comes home regularly and why the drugs were in his backpack: his supplier may be local to YOU. He may be dealing at college, or he may be making supply runs for his buddies. If either is the case, he needs to stop NOW. He needs to understand that he is playing with fire. </p>
<p>Of course, this is pure speculation. I like the idea of finding a drug counselor near his school and having your son and both of you sit down with him or her. Such a person has heard it all, and is adept at ferreting out BS. When you know what, exactly, your son has been doing, then you can formulate a plan to deal with it. Until then, your efforts may be misguided and counter-productive.</p>
<p>I believe it Hunt…it may be that his “supplier” for alcohol in particular is in his home town.</p>
<p>Hunt, that is why I, like Consolation, question if he is stocking up at home and taking it back to college. </p>
<p>I’m such an old fogey that I didn’t know what a “handle” was until about a month ago.</p>
<p>I’d like to know what the “big state school” is where a kid lives in a frat and has to come home and buy booze one bottle at a time. No, this just reads too much like a hypo to me.</p>
<p>The questions it raises are still valid, of course. I’m just saying.</p>
<p>And:
I never heard this term until I read this thread, which was another indicator to me that the mom who wrote this maybe isn’t really the mom.</p>
<p>
I found that odd too, but I figured maybe it’s a colloquialism. It is strange that the kid wouldn’t be more discrete.</p>
<p>Hunt, that entered my mind too, but since I don’t drink anything but the occasional glass of wine, I assumed I was just out of step. </p>
<p>If the big state school were in the middle of nowhere, as some of them are, I wouldn’t find it unlikely to stock up at home, where prices and choices might be greater.</p>
<p>I call ■■■■■. Condoms, marijuana, cocaine AND alcohol in a backpack left lying around? (What kid would be that dumb?) A first-time poster, a “perfect” son, an irrational father, the oddly formal writing style, the “a concerned mother” signature line. The statement “We know for a fact that he’s been using the money we give him before going back to school each semester for drugs and alcohol,” when they know nothing at all. And would someone who has just made a devastating discovery about their kid immediately turn to a message board they’ve never used before for advice? It’s spring break. It’s so easy for a bored kid to craft a post like this and sit back and watch the responses accumulate. I’m not buying any of it.</p>
<p>^^^
Have to say that I never refer to a “handle of liquor” but my 22 yo always does. </p>
<p>Also if this is not a ■■■■■, you do not know what the white substance is as much as your H thinks it is. Since this child only lives an hour and a half away before I would cut him off, I would travel to his school and ask for an explanation of what they found before I cut him off.</p>
<p>
And how many women today refer to themselves as “a housewife”?</p>
<p>I was thinking if I had been in the position of finding this stuff in kid’s backpack and had the presence of mind to think of it I would have stuffed the bag of powder in my pocket, zipped the pack, and sent kid away with a smile. What’s he going to say “Hey Mom, did you happen to take a bag of coke out of my pack?”</p>
<p>Hunt, you may be right. I hope so.</p>
<p>I do think smart kids can be that dumb, and I do think kids can be straight A students and be using. If the boy is on his way out the door, and on the phone, I can imagine a bit of cocky self-confidence from someone who may have been using for quite a while.</p>
<p>But there is a level of emotional remove in the original post that struck me when I first read it. It definitely has some of the markings of a ■■■■■ post. Having recently known of a young man who never woke up after the combo of heavy exercise, alcohol and coke, I am admittedly an easy target for this poster. I hope it’s a fake- truly don’t wish this kind of heartache on any parent.</p>
<p>I’d never heard the term “handle” before, either.</p>
<p>I did not know what a handle of liquor was (45 year-old), but my mother (64 year-old) did. It could be a generational thing too. </p>
<p>I think that there is a lot of emotion in the origional post. Especially her need to provide an explaination and excuses for her son at the begining of the post. And I would also bet she spent a very long time composing and editing the post, which may make it sound more clinical than many are used to. If she is married to a surgeon, there is a good chance she is a nurse/pharmacist/ therapist or other healthcare provider used to writing clinically. </p>
<p>Even if it is a fake post, there are parents that are struggling with drug use. So maybe the posts will help them.</p>
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</p>
<p>No doubt, this is very true, unfortunately.</p>
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<p>^^This stood out to me too.</p>
<p>In my opinion, this is most likely not a complete “■■■■■” or “joke” post, but rather a post from somebody who has some (probably quite different) version of this problem. So I’m happy that the advice has been given.</p>
<p>Also, does anyone realize how bulky and heavy a 1.75 liter container of alcohol is (that’s what a "handle " is, and I strongly doubt it’s lingo a housewife married to a surgeon would be using–I only know it because my family is in the business)? Not something you would toss in a backpack. OP’s post gets sillier the more you think about it.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s a ■■■■■. I do wonder if this is someone who has been ignoring issues for awhile because her son is such a good student and has kept up appearances.</p>
<p>Agree with those who suspect his supply is local to the parents. </p>
<p>A hard talk is definitely in order. </p>
<p>And don’t be afraid to make him pee in a cup in front of dad. (because kids are way too smart about cheating the drug tests)</p>