It took me a lot longer to get to where you are, bjkmom. I have a son with issues. He’s not in college. He’s working full time - not a great job, but a job nonetheless - and self supporting. He lives with a bunch of buddies - good guys who look after him when he needs it. He’s happy. He’s happy. He’s happy.
We don’t discuss school. When and if he’s ready, we can talk about it. Right now, “he’s happy” is a mantra for me.
Actually, neither of the suicides were in her school. One was the 30 year old nephew of a friend-- someone we saw every Christmas Eve. The other was a friend of a friend at a neighboring high school, someone she had known through church and mutual friends.
We’ll see how this plays out. I’m coming to realize that I can’t-- and shouldn’t --control her actions, only my own.
“even if her essay isn’t ready to go on August 1”
Is this type of deadline really a thing? If so, my kids are major slackers. One word wasn’t written by the end of summer.
@bjkmom I admire your self-awareness. All the best to you and your daughter throughout this process.
So much pressure on young people these days to “succeed”.
Re post #19: It’s really up to the student, but gap years aren’t easy for young adults with no plans. Even if the child just wants to rest, big changes occur anyway. Their high school friends are moving off in different directions; the clubs and teams they joined are over; the structure of their last four years is mostly gone. It can help if they’re in community college making new friends and trying an activity or two themselves. Students have at least some control over course times and credit load to balance with their therapy and need for rest.
Obviously a student who is very depressed shouldn’t feel pressure to go to school, but one who is making progress with therapy could benefit from trying community college. As much as family can provide a haven in a storm, adolescents still need to have some toe in the world with their peers.
@bjkmom, I didn’t mean to say that the suicides were classmates. But you did say that they took their toll, plus you mentioned other different dramarama in school that took its toll on your girl.
@AroundHere, the OP mentioned that her daughter is happy as a clam at work. So it doesn’t sound like she’s sitting around at home doing nothing. It does sound likely that many in her social circle will be in a different place (metaphorically even if they attend college while living at home). All that said, often the beginning of senior year in high school is when many students get serious about college, and once they get motivated, there’s enough time to get it done. I’m sure bjkmom knows her girl!
Hi @bjkmom. I am so sorry that your D has had such a hard time the past 2 years. Dealing with the suicides of 2 friends/acquaintances is really difficult, and it shows the pressure cooker that our kids are under. I’m so glad I saw your post because I’m a lot like you and my D has been in some very stressful situations too and, like your D, is finally relaxing with her friends. So thank you for this reminder/heads up that our home should be a sanctuary from stress.
If you don’t mind my comments, which are really in response to some comments made by others…
I see 2 issues on the other side of the coin that would speak to your retaining involvement, albeit to a lesser degree. One is unique to you in so far as you have acquired a skill-set with regard to college counselling during your years as a teacher. This is really valuable information, and I can tell you that for me, it’s taken me a lot of time to learn as much as I have. Of course you want to share your accumulated knowledge with her, which can save her a lot of time and ultimately stress. Some of that information is what dates you need to do what by, but other of that information is what colleges you think would be a good fit for your daughter based on the characteristics of your daughter and those schools. Many people may disagree with me, but a second issue is that I think which college a child goes to is a joint decision with the parent, because the parent is the one who is paying the bill, and the parent has greater maturity to see some things that may be of big concern, such as a really bad fit, or too far away if the child has health issues. Let me share with you that I have significant regrets in allowing my D to stay at a school that was a terrible fit. We gave her the choice because it was her education, but I deeply regret allowing her to stay in a soul-crushing environment for her. What a waste of years. My concern for your D is that she will mature a lot between now and the end of the year, and if you don’t stay involved she might blow off all of the deadlines and then be devastated when all of her friends go away next September and she doesn’t, or that she goes to a school that is a really bad choice for who she is and what she wants to be.
What about giving her a one-time list of things that you have learned (dates, colleges you think might be a good match and why), along with scheduling once a month meeting to go over things? The thought is you won’t raise anything about colleges except at those meetings, but if your daughter asks you a question in the in-between time, she can.
If she has anxiety issues this is a great thread that discusses it:
OMG, yes. That’s what gets me through each day with my oldest. Even after he broke his glasses and refuses to buy (or let me buy) a new pair. If he wants to walk around not seeing much, there’s nothing I can do about it (he doesn’t drive).
I have a list of schools all set to go; :I’ve been trying all summer to get her to go visit them. It’s the less-competitive form of the same lists that people here put together for strangers-- schools that seem to fit her major, her grades, her preferences in a college. I’ve shared it with a number of kids in my SAT classes with the same major as my daughter.
When she starts to get emails from her guidance counselor about deadlines, if she hasn’t already done anything, we’ll talk.
I didn’t mean to imply that I was backing away completely. What I mean is that I’m going to stop nagging her to meet MY timelines. The timelines established by the colleges and the College Placement office are the ones we’ll work with. If apps are due in to Guidance by December 1st, I’ll remind her in mid November. All the schools I think she’ll be looking at are Common App schools-- so we’re talking ONE app, ONE essay. It can be polished off in 2 hours once the essay is written-- and it’s already half written.
I’m abdicating the role of summertime nag, not mom 
And I don’t want to overstate her anxiety issues. She had one massive anxiety attack as a sophomore, and missed a number of school days that year until we figured out what the issue was. This year was much, much better on that front, probably due to her work with a great therapist. Still, I think it’s coming into play as she thinks about leaving the familiarity of her school. Our district has 7 elementary schools, one middle and one high school— she’s been with these kids for a long time. She’s not on any meds, and as of now we don’t see a reason to put her on any. I was saying to her this morning: it’s so nice to see her so very happy this summer.
Thanks for all the good wishes folks!
Regarding post #5, MaineLonghorn, I beg of you not to post so enthusiastically about your son no longer needing meds. You are now a mental health advocate. Surely you realize there are people who resist meds for years and find health when they finally get on them. Your post about your son implies that once a young person finds his or her path, bingo, they can go off their meds. This is a dangerous idea and I hope you will stop giving this impression. Many many people read these threads.
Backing off is the hardest thing to do.
And often it’s exactly what needs to happen.
@bjkmom or they can be fine emotionally, be on meds, have a few close friends, but so codependent from a relationship standpoint that they can’t be single for more than 2 weeks.
“I just want to live and don’t know what I want to be. We will figure it out!” has been my oldest daughter’s motto for 7 years now 25 still no school doubt it will ever happen.
Just does not care about money, security, would rather wing it like her and her BF will be eternally young!
Good luck!!
Yay!! In the car a while ago “mom, can we take a look at (SUNY) Oneonta?”
Me: Sure. Why don’t you hit the website, find a date that works for you, and book it? And for the record, Delhi is only about 20 minutes from Oneonta. Want to see it too? I’m not sure your scores can get you into Oneonta, but the odds at Delhi are better.
Her: Sure. I can retake the SAT in October, right?
Me: yep. Want me to register you?
Her. Sure. Where are we thinking of eating in Disney World next summer?
We’ll see whether not she books it, but at least it was on her mind. I think the college kids at work talking about going back to school may have started the wheels turning.
But we had a productive conversation she initiated, and it didn’t end in an argument.
Absolutely a sign of progress.
Our D was asked to leave her private HS after JR year. She enrolled in CC and I and her friends were wondering what she wanted to do next. She had been with us when we moved S into his private U and decided she wanted to apply there. She asked us and we said, “Fine.” She asked the CC and they said they had no experience in getting anyone in there as a transfer. She got her buddies to review her essay(s) and app and sent it in. They asked her for mid-term grades and we didn’t hear anything for many months. In late July, she was accepted to her surprise and delight and she transferred in Jan less than 6 months later.
Sometimes, it’s important for us to let our kids take the lead and see how things shake out. Our D has since graduated in her dream field and is very pleased that she only needed ONE application and didn’t have all the angst that many have in applying to multiple Us. (It did save us a bunch of application and test score fees as well.)
We’re seeing both schools this week.
@compmom, I didn’t get that impression that @MaineLonghorn was saying that as soon as kids find their path they can get off meds. I think it’s fine for families (health advocates included) to acknowledge that some people need meds but still be happy that their kid isn’t one of them. It’s a valid emotion and one families should be able to explore.
@bjkmom, Oneonta is a nice area, Your daughter seems to like schools that were built high on the hill. 
Is she taking a car to school? My kids like to travel, so the ability to spend a Saturday afternoon out and about would be important to them.
I think Delhi is the most rural/remote feeling of the group. If I remember correctly, it’s just off Rte 28 about half an hour from Oneonta. You can get an interstate in Oneonta, but getting in and out of Delhi involves that half hour (in the fall/spring) drive on a two lane, hilly road to get to and from the highway. It’s a longer drive in the winter.
Oneonta is bigger than Delhi. You can get to the interstate pretty easily. I think there are still buses down the hill to town, but I don’t know how late they run. The interstate can feel pretty quiet, especially at night, so it can feel pretty rural too.
HCCC is also on a hill, but it’s a smaller hill than Oneonta. Herkimer is on the NYS Thruway about 20 minutes from Utica and an hour from Albany. It’s a small town too, but because there’s such easy access to small cities it doesn’t really feel that way.
I think it’s smart to be prepared because kids change their minds. Both of mine said (the summer before senior year) that they didn’t know if they wanted to apply to college yet. Both ended up applying and getting accepted to a few schools, then chose to take a gap year. My son decided to commute to our local SUNY so he could graduate without debt and have money to travel. My daughter sounds like she’s leaning that way too. Visit schools and let your daughter decide. Having an acceptance or two might be helpful in the spring when everyone else is talking about where they’re going. If you have an acceptance, you can always choose not to go.
How funny. We’re in central Long Island-- flat as a board. She has no idea of the geography of any of the schools.
She wants to major in either Fashion Merchandising or Event Planning.
FIT would be wonderful, but there’s no central campus-- dorms in one part of Manhattan, and isolated buildings in other parts of the city. Not a good fit; she wants a suburban campus.
Herkimer actually has both majors. But, in the absence of any other info, I think she would prefer Oneonta simply because she’s heard of it. Both Delhi and Oneonta get a lot of kids from the Island.
We’ll take a look and see. The fact that it was her idea is what I’m happy about. Whether she loves the schools or hates them, at least she’s giving the future some thought. As you said, what I want her to have is options. I don’t particularly care what option she takes, I just don’t want her in a position where she’s unable to do what she wants because she didn’t prepare.
She probably won’t have a car. She’ll have my minivan next year for high school. (Amen!! That means I won’t have to drop both girls off at high school, and that they won’t be walking .9999 of a mile home in inclement weather. The neighbor who has been so great about picking her up when picking up her own son is moving out of state.)
We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.
Thanks for the info!
You mention that they are Common App schools. That doesn’t always mean just one essay. Quite a few Common App schools have supplemental essays, too. “Why School X” is a common one. You might suggest to her that those essays are a lot easier when you’ve visited campus.
Thanks, I will.
If your daughter has anxiety, here are some things to think about when selecting a college:
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/2007642-students-with-anxiety-choosing-a-college-p1.html?new=1