<p>The psychologist is not from the school. She reccommended that I find a clinic that can provide more services than she can offer. Yesterday, she reccommended that I take a semester off and I'm unsure about this suggestion. She said that because she doesn't want me to have the pressure of getting the letter back to my school on time to register and the school enviroment itself. I don't have much issues with my classmates or the schoolwork, I'm just worried about how the admistration might treat me after this.
Did I mention to you that I keep having disturbing, reoccuring thoughts lately? I'm sick of the anxiety and paranoia</p>
<p>These thoughts are part of the reason why I let myself be admitted to the hospital that day. They tend to go away when I'm busy doing something else and I don't have time to sit and think. I don't think I have schizophernia because I don't hear or see anything differently than anyone else and these are my own thoughts.
I don't have any appointments at the moment because one clinic doesn't take my insurance and the other is not taking anymore people at the moment. So I called my insurance company and they gave me a few refferals. I'm not sure if it will help much, because it looked like numbers to actual hospitals and I don't want to go through that again. I was clear about what I was asking for and I'm sure he did not misunderstand. He even told me what my benefits were. I guess I'll have to try calling then anyway to see if they have what I need.
I talked to my Mom yesterday. She was very kind, but she did not understand that it is not something I could rationalize myself out of. If I could, I would have done that by now. She also does not understand that prayer won't help me, and "This shall pass" may not apply in this case, at least not for years. That kind of stuff actually makes me internalize everything, which I don't need right now.
My Mom is concerned about if taking a semester off would ruin my insurance. She said that if I don't go to college, I might have to pay my own insurance. I'm worried about that too and finding a job meanwhile as well. I have not done well with jobs in the past because of the hassle and angry, impatient customers. Also, my demeanor never matches my co-workers, therefore some of them did not take a liking to me. I'm sorry that I can't automatically be perky and chatty all the time! I don't remember being rude or bringing gloom and doom to the workforce, if anything, I kept a lot to myself. What's wrong with just doing your job and being polite? She reccomended something like factory work in that case, although she warned that it won't be intellectually stimulating, which I don't mind right now.
I'm not sure if I should go back to school this semester, but if I take the semester off I want a job that I can deal with ASAP.</p>
<p>Do you work in the psychology field? Lately, I've been considering a career in it. The psychologist I saw outside of school was surprised about how knowledgable I was about the symptoms she was looking for. I'm having doubts because I'm not sure if I would relate to others well and that I'm dysfunctional myself.</p>
<p>I'm 80% sure that taking a semester off will not be a problem with insurance, but an entire year would be. Why don't you call your insurance company and ask? That sounds like the best option at this point. HOWEVER, taking a semester off and not doing anything except therapy might make you more depressed. </p>
<p>I think you need to start applying for different sorts of jobs. You sound smart, but since you're not outgoing, you shouldn't apply for customer service jobs. What about something at a warehouse? My friend works at a music store filing all the music and she works mostly by herself. Are you strong? Physical labor (construction, landscaping, etc.) is great because it pays well AND builds endorphins (which make you happy!). What about working in a kitchen? My advice for your next job: enter with a smile and greet everyone. You don't have to be their best friend, but you do need to learn how to work happily alongside of them. </p>
<p>What happened to those group therapy sessions? I think you'll really love those, because you'll meet other students (and even adults) who are going through the same situations as you. </p>
<p>I think that you need to sit down, and plan out your dream life. Think about exactly what you want to do in 20 years. I know that you want to be a "success" and be able to confidently explain your life plan. What do you like to do? Do you like computers? (IT is a lucrative field with independent workers). Do you like animals? (dog grooming might be fun, as is veterinary science although that requires strong science skills). What about library science? (strong reading skills required!). Is wealth important to you? What sorts of activities do you want to be involved in? (Speaking of which, you might want to think about joining clubs at your college to get more involved and develop some friendships). Are you looking for a husband (or a girlfriend)? Are you looking for a country or a city life? etc. etc. etc.</p>
<p>I think your main priorities right now are:
1. Getting psychiatric help and working through your depression
2. Figuring out a career path and finishing your schooling for it3
3. Earning money to move out of your house. I think a lot of your issues with your parents will be resolved when you assert your independence and move out.</p>
<p>CurrySpice: your 3-point plan for TA3021's recovery is seriously flawed, IMO. Points 2 and 3 are rather conflicting, don't you think? Going to school to start a career nowadays is quite expensive, and it's not like the old days where one could work part-time to pay for community college and all the living expenses... especially if she has issues she needs to work out.</p>
<p>I agree with points 1 and 2, though, and moving out might help but not if she has to support herself. The idea of planning out a dream life is also good, since setting goals can really help you to stay motivated and focused on the future... just don't expect everything to turn out exactly the way you want it to; life is full of surprises...</p>
<p>Best of luck, TA3021.</p>
<p>Hey TA, I finally finished scanning through all the previous posts. I just wanted to say, from reading all your comments and posts on here, you do not sound dumb or retarded at all. You sound very intelligent but it sounds like you just need to organize your life.</p>
<p>Do you ever get tired of being secretive and hiding your problems? Everyone has problems, some seem more serious than others. I'm not sure if you decided to be open with your parents, but I think you should. Don't be ashamed of your problems. If your relatives have issues with it, then that's their issue.</p>
<p>I'm glad you have decided to take some serious measures to fix your problems. And why not psychology? Clearly you already have some experience with it, perhaps it's something that would interest you. (It's something I'm interested in, too. :P)</p>
<p>I don't know if you're already doing this, but I keep a diary and I write in it when I'm confused or upset about anything. Sometimes writing down your thoughts (as you did here) help sort out your thoughts and feelings.</p>
<p>It's frustrating to have problems with insurance coverage and clinics that are not accepting new patients. Could your psychologist recommend some other clinics? CurrySpice seemed right to me, why not just ask your insurance company if you lose coverage if you are out of college?</p>
<p>When does school start? Do you actually want to take a semester off? If yes, perhaps your career services center at school could help you decide on and/or find a suitable plan and job for that time. Perhaps also the counseling center at school could help you locate a clinic.</p>
<p>Would you consider working in a library or book store? Of course there are people at those places but often the atmosphere is calm and the people are quiet. </p>
<p>It sounds like having those disturbing thoughts is a little scary for you. Is that right? Keep working on finding a good clinic, because I think that therapy and possibly medication can be very helpful for you. </p>
<p>Did you find that psychologist helpful? Perhaps you could continue to see her until you are set up at a clinic.</p>
<p>I don't work in psychology but I do volunteer to listen on a crisis/suicide hotline. I'm very interested in counseling. If psychology interests you, then why not learn more about it? Maybe first by taking a class or two. That might be a helpful next step. Taking a good next step makes it easier to see the step after that.</p>
<p>And if you ever feel like talking to someone, or need to talk to someone, you can reach an accepting, nonjudmental listener at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).</p>
<p>
[quote]
Why don't you call your insurance company and ask? That sounds like the best option at this point.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I called. They say everything will be covered if I take the semester off. I'm not sure if I want to though. If I don't find a job soon, I'll just go back to school. </p>
<p>
[quote]
I think you need to start applying for different sorts of jobs.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I like those suggestions. Filing music would be perfect if I could find it. As for physical labor, I'm probably no stronger than anyone else. It would still be a nice job and I always learned quickly with my hands. I wanted to build endorphins by exercising, but I always stopped after a few days; my lack of motivation usually stops me. As for a kitchen, there aren't many things I know how to cook, they're probably looking for people with experience, right?</p>
<p>I'll remember to smile and greet everyone, but I'm always anxious about not looking genuine. I guess if people think I'm fake, that's their problem...</p>
<p>
[quote]
I think that you need to sit down, and plan out your dream life.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>My dreams are hazy now. I don't like being unsure of myself. Uncertainty is weak and embarrassing to me. When I was in middle school I knew exactly what I wanted; I would graduate high school with honors and go to a highly ranked university, then I would become a lawyer or a very successful author. I would live in the city...
What the hell happened to all of this? I was even praised for being so ambitious and self-motivated years ago. Even if they did laugh at me, at least I had the comfort of being a success story someday. </p>
<p>Anyway, I wouldn't mind joining clubs to form friendships. I was always afraid of loneliness within a crowd; I mean, I always left clubs in high school because I felt apart from everyone. It wouldn't hurt to try again though.</p>
<p>Socially, I feel light years behind. I've never even had a relationship, let alone a kiss. Most girls' social life revolve around this kind of stuff. I'm not completely left in the dark about topics like clothes and celebrities, but I can't sustain the conversation long enough to hold anyone's interest. I can't even make friends with guys by talking about sports and gaming because I know even less about that.
Honestly, I don't even have many interests. I like books and movies a lot. Looking up new things to learn about on the Internet. That's it. I feel boring. I'm sure there are clubs about books or movies. </p>
<p>
[quote]
Earning money to move out of your house. I think a lot of your issues with your parents will be resolved when you assert your independence and move out.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I would love to do that. This year will be focused on trying to be as close to independent as possible. As Beef said, it's not going to be easy.</p>
<p>
[quote]
just don't expect everything to turn out exactly the way you want it to; life is full of surprises...
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Hopefully, an unexpectedly pleasant surprise. Yes, I have issues with unpredictability and change is not easy for me. That's part of my problem, things are so spontaneous and I'm so rigid.</p>
<p>
[quote]
Do you ever get tired of being secretive and hiding from your parents?
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I'm glad they found out. If anything, my Mom was angry that I kept it a secret. I wish I just told them to begin with. I was afraid of burdening or worrying them. I felt like a loser and I didn't want them to feel the same way. Everything has cooled down since then and we're still trying to find a clinic.</p>
<p>
[quote]
And why not psychology? Clearly you already have some experience with it, perhaps it's something that would interest you. (It's something I'm interested in, too. :P)
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I don't know why I didn't think of it before, lol. I was seriously told twice in separate occasions that I should be a therapist. I've taken two classes on it already and it's interesting. </p>
<p>
[quote]
I don't know if you're already doing this, but I keep a diary and I write in it when I'm confused or upset about anything. Sometimes writing down your thoughts (as you did here) help sort out your thoughts and feelings.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I have a diary and I like writing in it. I've been avoiding it lately because I want to forget any of this has ever happened. It's like a way to escape my memories. That's probably a bad idea though, and you're probably right that it would help me sort out my feelings and hopefully recover.</p>
<p>
[quote]
Would you consider working in a library or book store? Of course there are people at those places but often the atmosphere is calm and the people are quiet.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I asked for an application for the library yesterday and they said they didn't have any openings. :( I'm looking for bookstores now.</p>
<p>
[quote]
It sounds like having those disturbing thoughts is a little scary for you. Is that right? Keep working on finding a good clinic, because I think that therapy and possibly medication can be very helpful for you.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Yes, it is scary. I wish my mind would give me a break, at least for a day! Seriously, why does all of this have to happen to me? I wish I could just have a normal life. I'm not thinking of suicide right now, but I don't want to be one of those people who are in and out of hospitals for most of their lives.</p>
<p>I'm a little afraid of going back to school. I don't want to feel like I'm getting watched over like a hawk or the administration acting as if I'm the next Cho Sueng Hui. I doubt all of this will be leaked out to the professors or even the students, but I still feel like a pariah. Then I remembered what Jason Shah said in an earlier post, which I will paraphrase here: If one feels as if something is wrong about them, it will reflect through their demeanor.</p>
<p>
[quote]
I want to forget any of this has ever happened. It's like a way to escape my memories. That's probably a bad idea though, and you're probably right that it would help me sort out my feelings and hopefully recover.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I agree that it would be a bad idea to try to forget what has happened. I think you are right to say that a journal, and imo therapy, will help you sort out your feelings, get past troublesome events, and move forward in a more healthy way.</p>
<p>
[quote]
I don't want to feel like I'm getting watched
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I agree that your personal information will remain confidential. But even so you feel that something is wrong with you, and others will sense that feeling and perhaps steer clear of you.</p>
<p>You can address that feeling of something being wrong with you in your therapy. If something happens at school that makes you feel as if someone is avoiding you, you can discuss the event in therapy. </p>
<p>You can also consider whether there might be alternatives explanations for what happened. If someone declines to eat with you one day, for example, consider whether they might be very busy; they might have a class soon; they might have a prior commitment; etc. Always think about alternative explanations; don't jump to conclude that people are avoiding you.</p>
<p>
[quote]
I wish I could just have a normal life.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I believe that you can have a normal life, :), and I believe that it may take some work on your part to get to that place. Therapy can be hard work, and requires commitment. With the work and commitment, though, I believe that you have an excellent chance to move towards a life that you would want.</p>
<p>I'm glad that things are going better with your parents. Do they know pretty much everything, including about the troublesome thoughts you sometimes have? I am interested, too, that people have suggested being a therapist to you. What strengths of yours lead people to make that suggestion?</p>
<p>
[quote]
Always think about alternative explanations
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I hope I could keep this in mind.</p>
<p>
[quote]
Do they know pretty much everything, including about the troublesome thoughts you sometimes have?
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Yes. It is mainly my father who is helping me find clinics. I'm doing most of the work though. I've called no less than twenty places. Some of those operators are rude and abrupt. You'd think they would have some sort of sensitivity training towards anxious callers. Do they really expect me to roll out words like I'm ordering Chinese food? I'm embarrassed to call in the first place. I know their job is not easy and they're probably jaded from the nonsense they have to deal with everyday, but that doesn't give them an excuse to act so immature (lumping everyone together) and selfish (only caring about their own feelings). One idiot directed me to OB-GYN possibly because I called back after misunderstanding what was said to me. I'm not offended at all, I just thought it was stupid and felt sorry for her miserable self.</p>
<p>My Mom is really understating everything. She actually thinks that everything will be solved if I just talk to her instead of "those complete strangers who don't care" and to stop "avoiding" the family. Which I'm really not; I was just staying at my Aunt's house to keep myself busy. I don't want to "look into myself" as she told me to do. That kind of stuff is what drove me mad! Then she tells me the opposite by saying not to internalize. </p>
<p>Personally, I would rather talk to the "strangers" because at least I won't have to worry about them telling anyone or using it against me in the future. She even finds it kind of funny and keeps asking me if she has anything to do with what happened. I keep saying no, but she doesn't understand. She says if I know the distressing thoughts won't really happen, why do I care? I don't know! All I know is that it won't just disappear if I rationalize myself out of it because I'm scared of what will happen if I think about it any further and try my hardest to block it.</p>
<p>I got kind of lucky yesterday. I found a clinic that is nearby and I overlooked it because the address was hard to find. The phone number did not work for there. I hope the place still exists.</p>
<p>Also, I have a feeling that the therapist I saw before wouldn't agree to seeing me for a few weeks before I find something. She seemed intent on the clinic instead.</p>
<p>Oh, for some reason I'm not allowed to edit my previous post. I meant, "the administration watching over me like a hawk"</p>
<p>
[quote]
I am interested, too, that people have suggested being a therapist to you. What strengths of yours lead people to make that suggestion?
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I'm a good listener and I've been told that I'm very nice. They did not have any specific reasons though. It just seems as if everything I said was practical yet made them feel better at the same time.</p>
<p>
[quote]
I believe that you can have a normal life, :)
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Let's hope so. I believe in giving myself a chance.</p>
<p>
[quote]
I've called no less than twenty places
[/quote]
</p>
<p>It sounds like you are determined to make progress. </p>
<p>
[quote]
I'm doing most of the work though
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Good for you! What problem are preventing you from using any of those clinics? </p>
<p>
[quote]
I'm scared of what will happen if I think about it any further and try my hardest to block it
[/quote]
</p>
<p>It seems too hard and too scary to just refuse to listen to the disturbing thoughts.</p>
<p>A "stranger" who is a licensed professional has skills and experience that can help you. Plus you can trust them completely (if you are fully comfortable with that particular person) and feel free to say whatever is on your mind, knowing that they definitely won't try to use it against you later, take it personally, get upset, tell you that you are wrong, etc. Instead, they will offer you unconditional acceptance, accurate empathy, and genuineness. There is a lot to be said (imo) for working with a professional therapist. Keep up your determined search!</p>
<p>Have you decided about school and/or work for the fall?</p>
<p>Those points you mentioned do sound like things a good therapist would have. It sounds like you are able to be a good friend, too. Am I right about that?</p>
<p>
[quote]
Good for you! What problem are preventing you from using any of those clinics?
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Most are booked for six to eight weeks. I don't have that kind of time if I'm going back to school. I'm deciding to go back to school and hopefully at least catch late registration. Also, some places say I'm located too far. Others did not call back yet.</p>
<p>
[quote]
It sounds like you are able to be a good friend, too. Am I right about that?
[/quote]
</p>
<p>If only I could hold a conversation. That and being too anxious to even do much. Otherwise, right. :) </p>
<p>Today I visited the psychiatrist I visited years before. The one I mentioned on the first post. He gave me Zoloft and Risperdal. I'm on Risperdal now, even though it's a small dose. He made the dose small for now because of my Dad's concern about medication. He said that I wouldn't feel anything for a few days because of the small dose, but I think he's kind of wrong. I felt a little dizzy at first and now I'm a little drowsy sort of numb. I'm going to take Zoloft the next morning.
Also, the psychiatrist told me not to look up anything about the medication because it might stop me from taking it. He says it's tempting to do so, but I should not do it for now. He said he may eventually higher the dose.</p>
<p>I'm glad to hear that you at least have been able to see a psychiatrist, even one previously known to you. Do you feel comfortable with him? How often will you see him? </p>
<p>I'm sorry that finding a clinic is proving to be such an ordeal. I had no idea that it could be so difficult to find an opening at a clinic. If you can't find anything before school, perhaps a psychologist at your college counseling center could meet with you while you are waiting for clinic openings?</p>
<p>I felt pretty sure that you would be a good friend. :) </p>
<p>What problems come up when you try to hold a conversation? </p>
<p>I would imagine that one goal of therapy and/or medication would be to help you reduce the anxiety you mention. To free you to be you.</p>
<p>Good luck in school! Will you be able to work as well?</p>
<p>
[quote]
I'm glad to hear that you at least have been able to see a psychiatrist, even one previously known to you. Do you feel comfortable with him? How often will you see him?
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I'm not sure how often I'll see him, but I have an appointment next Thursday. It is just for him to see how the medication is affecting me. He seems nice and asked me about college and if I like it better than high school.
The only issues I had was that he found my problems bizarre. He must have thought I had demons because he asked me if I went to church and if I believed in God. I just told him that I had bad experiences with Catholic school and I have a distant relationship with God.
I told him that I felt stupid for feeling this way several times and he did not say anything, so he must agree with me. </p>
<p>The psychologist I saw outside of school suggested that I might have OCD. She asked if I had any routines to stop it and I said no. I think I misunderstood her because I don't necessarily call what I do routines. They seem like tics more than anything. Thank goodness I'm too busy to think about the thoughts in public or I would look pretty stupid in front of everyone. I mean, I do stuff like yell, "Stop!"; hold my breath; hit my forehead or stamp my foot. I bet someone is laughing as they're reading this and I would bet a good amount of money because I know it's true.
The point I'm trying to make is why didn't the psychiatrist think of that possibility? I can't be the first person to come to him with that problem! Are my problems that rare?</p>
<p>BTW, I don't think I could see that psychologist again. As right as her suggestion may be, I think she was trying to get rid of me by telling me to go to the clinic. She probably didn't think finding one would have been such an ordeal either.</p>
<p>
[quote]
If you can't find anything before school, perhaps a psychologist at your college counseling center could meet with you while you are waiting for clinic openings?
[/quote]
</p>
<p>My Dad told me not to trust the school. He said that if I have a problem, talk to him or someone outside the school. I'm not sure if I can trust them either. I mean, what if they try to hospitalize me again? I was seriously mislead; they made it seem as if a doctor was going to ask a few questions, maybe fill a prescription and then I'll leave in less than an hour, but no, they did this extensive checkup as if I'm going to die.</p>
<p>I expect that the school will want to talk to me. When they do, I'll tell them everything is fine and not mention any little personal problems I may have.</p>
<p>
[quote]
What problems come up when you're trying to hold a conversation
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I'm not sure what to say to others. I could only nod stupidly for so long. I'm always told I don't say enough about myself. I think if I did, they'll regret it because I have a boring life. If your topic is very interesting and I have knowledge on it, you're in trouble because I'll ramble about it long after you're sick of it and not even realize it until you snap at me or whine. If I don't get the message the first time, you'll pretty much be the go-to person whenever I want to talk about it.</p>
<p>I also have this creepy problem where I repeat what the person says sometimes. It's almost like a reflex. I don't even realize I do it until someone mentions it.</p>
<p>It's not that I take everything literally, but I don't know how to react other than thinking it is literal. I also take things more literally than the average person.</p>
<p>I can't make a conversation flow. It's hard to explain. I distract it by sounding so pedantic.</p>
<p>I've realized that I can appear selfish. I always forget to say, "Thank you" and it's almost like I use people like objects. As in they open the door for me and I just walk through; then I kick myself in the face for not saying anything.</p>
<p>When I say I help others, that is only when I'm aware of it or not so anxious. Naturally, I am selfish. My family complains about me cooking for myself all the time. I don't think of anyone unless they're right in front of me.</p>
<p>
[quote]
To free you to be you.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Yes! It's so interesting how you say this because I do feel that this is my actual personality. I've felt sad so long that I thought it was my real personality. I've also realize that I'm more aware of my surroundings and more people have been talking to me lately. Before, everything was so insular and I could spend the whole day in the mall and no one would talk to me and I would talk to no one.
It is just now that I get motivated to get up and do whatever I need to do and I am grateful for it.</p>
<p>It's weird how I'm mainly getting the rare side effects of Risperdal which is increased saliva in my mouth and decreased appetite when the common ones is the exact opposite. I actually think the decreased appetite is a good thing because I need to lose a few pounds anyway. I've also decided to eat healthier.</p>
<p>The more common things I get are my legs getting stiff and stumbling a little when I walk. I'm afraid that some of the movements I do might be symptoms of tardive dyskinesia. Maybe I'm just being paranoid and I'm moving more than usual because I don't feel so sluggish anymore and it's a way to pass time in private.
As for Zoloft, I just feel better. I think it even cancels out a lot of the Risperdal side effects. </p>
<p>
[quote]
Good luck in school! Will you be able to work as well?
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Thank you! I still have not found work yet, but I'm trying. The psychiatrist said that he will send a letter to the school after the next appointment. I think I'm going to get higher grades this time. I've realized that I'm able to concentrate better, especially when it comes to reading. I can't wait for classes to start.</p>
<p>
[quote]
I told him I felt stupid for feeling this way several times and he did not say anything, so he must agree with me.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>What alternative explanations might there be? For example, he might not have wanted to get into that substantive issue with you, particularly on your first appointment where the main goal was to figure out medication. He may be thinking of his role as simply providing and monitoring your medication; many psychiatrists see this as their main role nowadays. Also: someone, particularly a therapist, who does not provide reassurance may simply think that reassurance would not be helpful at that time. </p>
<p>
[quote]
I think she was trying to get rid of me by telling me to go to the clinic.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>What alternative explanations might there be? You previously offered a quite reasonable one: </p>
<p>
[quote]
She feels that this place can provide me with everything I need.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Perhaps she really felt it would be good for you to have both a psychiatrist and a psychologist in the same clinic. </p>
<p>Is there evidence to choose one of these explanations (or some third one) over the other?</p>
<p>I can think of one way to find out: given that you are having trouble finding a suitable clinic, and given that you now have a seemingly reasonable psychiatrist, perhaps she would be able to meet with you regularly after all. Were you comfortable with her? Would you want to call her, tell her what has happened and ask if she would see you again, or offer you some advice on what to do next? You seemed to enjoy that one hour you had with her.</p>
<p>
[quote]
My Dad told me not to trust the school...I'm not sure if I can trust them either.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>If you feel that you cannot trust the school, then imo it would make sense to see therapists who do not work for the school. It is extremely important that you feel that you can trust your therapists.</p>
<p>
[quote]
I'm not sure what to say to others.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>It sounds like you are feeling frustrated and maybe a little helpless when thinking about conversation. I'm really impressed, though, at your detailed insight into your problems with conversation, and with your ability to articulate them in an objective, matter-of-fact way.</p>
<p>A lot of successful conversation arises from knowledge and application of skills. I believe that you can learn better conversational skills, social skills, just like you can learn other skills. Possibly this would be an area that you could work on with a psychologist, or another professional that a psychologist perhaps can help you find.</p>
<p>I am wondering whether some of what you described might be consistent with Asperger's Syndrome; see especially "Social Interaction" at Asperger</a> syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. If what you read there seems like it fits you reasonably well, then perhaps discuss it with your psychologist when you have one.</p>
<p>
[quote]
I do feel that this is my actual personality
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I'm not quite sure what you mean by this. Do you mean that you are feeling better, feeling happier, and thinking that this better-feeling, happier-feeling person is closer to the real you, closer to your actual personality?</p>
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[quote]
The psychiatrist said that he will send a letter to the school after the next appointment.
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</p>
<p>This is intended to meet the school's requirements as stated in their recent, rather harshly worded letter? </p>
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[quote]
I can't wait for classes to start.
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</p>
<p>It is heartwarming to read this, to hear the little buds of joy in your voice! :)</p>
<p>
[quote]
From Wikipedia</p>
<p>The cognitive ability of children with AS often lets them articulate social norms in a laboratory context, where they may be able to show a theoretical understanding of other peoples emotions; they typically have difficulty acting on this knowledge in fluid, real-life situations, however. People with AS may analyze and distill their observation of social interaction into rigid behavioral guidelines and apply these rules in awkward wayssuch as forced eye contactresulting in demeanor that appears rigid or socially naïve. Childhood desires for companionship can be numbed through a history of failed social encounters.
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</p>
<p>This analyzed me perfectly.</p>
<p>One of the doctors in the hospital said I might have it. Yet, I've met people with the syndrome and I don't see how I'm like them because my problems seem milder than theirs. Then again, I was diagnosed with autism at two years old and they scrapped the label years later because I was too high functioning.</p>
<p>
[quote]
Do you mean that you are feeling better, feeling happier, and thinking that this better-feeling, happier-feeling person is closer to the real you, closer to your actual personality?
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Yes. I think I meant disposition. I thought I had a naturally sad disposition. Then again, if I'm irritable or sad about something it doesn't affect me the same way it used to because my emotions aren't as strong anymore. I'm not trying to say I'm manic, but even my happiness back then was different because it seemed like relief from depression, bittersweet or excitement that came in spurts.
I'm sorry, it's hard for me to articulate this.</p>
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[quote]
This is intended to meet the school's requirements as stated in their recent, rather harshly worded letter?
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</p>
<p>Yes.</p>
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[quote]
I'm really impressed, though, at your detailed insight into your problems with conversation, and with your ability to articulate them in an objective, matter-of-fact way.
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</p>
<p>Thank you. </p>
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[quote]
It is heartwarming to read this, to hear the little buds of joy in your voice!
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</p>
<p>That is so nice to read, likewise for you :)</p>