<p>Yes, you’re paying, and you technically have every right to call the shots.</p>
<p>However…</p>
<p>If you force him to go somewhere else when he has his heart set on state U, it’s a perfect recipe for him becoming discouraged and dropping out.</p>
<p>NSM and the others have good advice. You do have ‘veto’ rights if you’re paying. You have to have those rights unless you can happen to afford to pay for him to go anywhere he wants and spend as much time as he wants in doing so (imagine 5, 6, possibly even 7 years if he tries hard enough at stretching it). If he’s not motivated you could also spend for a year or 2 or 3 and have him quit with no degree to show for it. </p>
<ul>
<li><p>Yes - you get to veto but it’s not a good idea for you to do the pick itself unless there are no other financial or viable options.</p></li>
<li><p>If he’s not motivated, there’s a good chance he’ll be challenged no matter where he goes. However, he’s not behaving right now all that differently than a lot of HS boys. They usually perk up once they’re actually away at college.</p></li>
<li><p>Get him out to visit some campuses even if you need to ‘strongly encourage’ him to go.</p></li>
<li><p>Picking a school just because his HS friends are going there is not a good reason to pick a school. Most or all of those friends will likely move past each other by the end of the first semester.</p></li>
<li><p>Check out the cost of some other state U’s (like UCLA for example) and $20K (tuition/housing/food) doesn’t sound so bad.</p></li>
<li><p>With high stats it’s worth checking some privates to see if he can get some decent merit aid.</p></li>
</ul>
<p>Bottom line - he needs to have a dog in this fight to be successful and that includes having a reasonable say for the right reasons in his college selection. You won’t be attending or doing any of the work, he will, and he needs to be motivated to do well.</p>
<p>
If you’re pretty sure he’d get aid at particular colleges then have him apply but don’t expect it to be a slam dunk to get the aid unless you’ve researched it really well. </p>
<p>Does he have a particular area of interest? If so then educate him about the campuses and programs you’re talking about. Even if he shows little interest while you’re telling him he’ll probably actually go off and think about it since he sounds like a bright kid.</p>
<p>You’re taking a risk if you push your son into considering alternatives to State U that would be affordable only if he gets merit money.</p>
<p>What if he falls in love with one of those schools? What if he then gets in but DOESN’T get merit money?</p>
<p>You could be opening Pandora’s box here.</p>
<p>My son wanted to go to State U, mostly because it was an hour away from home and felt familiar because so many people from his high school go there. My husband and I said “fine” (insisting only that he also apply to a safety school because our State U is actually a little difficult to get admitted to). He went to State U and had an excellent experience at a reasonable price (a little higher than what you would be paying, but I consider it reasonable, especially in comparison to what we’re paying for his sister at a private university). He is now a graduate student in a good Ph.D. program at a State U in another state. Everybody is happy. </p>
<p>The families with problems are usually those who WANT their kids to go to State U but whose kids want more expensive private schools that their parents can’t afford.</p>
<p>So much common sense here. Sure, parents can make this decision for their child, but I can’t imagine why they’d want to. Apollo6, have you investigated how merit aid works? It often only “saves” you money if you’re full-pay or almost full-pay parents, and if your child receives a nearly full-tuition scholarship. At many schools, any merit aid is applied to the finaid package, leaving your EFC the same. </p>
<p>$12K per year - even $20K per year - for a school that a successful male student actually wants to go to? I’d count my blessings.</p>
<p>Although I don’t think that parents “owe” their child a college education, I do think that if they’re willing and able to pay for college, they should pay for the college of the child’s choice, within reason. I think it’s appropriate for parents to set financial limits beyond which they’re not comfortable, and I also think it’s appropriate for parents to veto a school they have serious misgivings about. I think a child who is getting the gift of a college education from his or her parents should certainly take the parents’ opinions into account when making the school choice, since parents often DO know things the child doesn’t and have a different and often worthwhile perspective. Finally, I have no problem with parents “forcing” a child to apply to and visit a school (or 2 or 3) of the parents’ choice - if the parents are footing the bill and think a particular school is the right place, the child should at least give consideration to that school.</p>
<p>I do think it is within the parents’ rights to insist the child investigate more than one school with an open mind and apply to at least X many. The final decision of where to attend, however, should be up to the student. I think the main objective of the search is to provide options come April of senior year. Since I believe your S is just a junior, I wouldn’t push it too much at this point. Let him know that you’re more than willing to consider State U but over the course of the rest of junior year, you would like him to consider additional schools. Many things can change during the course of the college search process, especially the student’s level of maturity. List often change dramatically from early junior year to app time. Good luck and know that most kids can get a wonderful education at any of the midwestern flagships. My S attends one. ;)</p>
<p>Although having the power of the purse is a major issue, I think it’s important to consider what others have already mentioned–the excellence of many midwestern flagship state universities. They are essentially world-class institutions. I think to get a comparable education with merit aid at a highly ranked LAC or university one would have to have really stellar qualifications, not “just” be an excellent student. Remember too that merit aid rarely means full ride except at the very highest levels of giving. </p>
<p>No one can judge what works financially for your family or best for your son (whose life it is, after all), but looked at from an outsider’s point of view I’d say this sounds like a decision that does not merit a lot of agonizing. If you have a good flagship state university and it will cost $20,000 you are fortunate (I don’t live in such a state). If your your son can get in and will be happy there, I think that’s wonderful. If he wants a different kind of experience (smaller school or different region) that’s something else again. But from what you posted it sounds as though a decision on his part to go to the flagship would be a very reasonable one.</p>
<p>While I am not sure you will find a school even after merit aid that will get you below the net cost of $12K at state U, to answer your question, yes, you should have some input but not sole input.</p>
<p>I favor the approach of setting a dollar limit on what you will pay - and retaining veto power over a really poor choice. This is what I have explained to my D and she understands completely. </p>
<p>It seems like your S wants to go to State U because that is where his friends are going - which is not the reason to choose a college. So he should explore other options - but you should be aware those options may in the end cost more than $12K at state U</p>
<p>If they pay, do they get to choose the nursing home/assisted living facility?</p>
<p>“I favor the approach of setting a dollar limit on what you will pay - and retaining veto power over a really poor choice.”</p>
<p>I agree with the addition that I think the veto power should be exhibited when your D applies. Don’t pay for her to apply to schools that you wouldn’t be willing to send her to if the money works out.</p>
<p>^^^Agreed. Any discussion of vetoes should be done prior to apps being submittd. The final list should only include schools everyone likes. Students and parents need to work together on this project.</p>
<p>I think that when a parent pays for college it’s a little bit ( a little bit ) like buying a decent car for one’s child.</p>
<p>You can have “final say” over which car that you’ll buy for your kid and how much you’ll spend, but the kid needs to like the car. 
(this isn’t a perfect analogy, but I think you get the picture.)</p>
<p>That said…it’s too early to be fighting over this issue. Instead, cast a wide net and apply to various GOOD schools where your son will likely get some good merit money. </p>
<p>When choosing schools to apply to, consider whether they’ll offer the “full campus experience” that your son would like and the academics he needs. It won’t work if you find great merit at a school that has no “fun” and everyone goes home on the weekends, or is poor in his major.</p>
<p>What state are you in?</p>
<p>You say that he has an ACT 31+ What does that mean? Does he have an ACT 32 or more from one sitting? </p>
<p>Did he take the SAT? What is his best M+CR score from ONE sitting?</p>
<p>There are schools that he can get merit $$$ from. What kinds of schools does he like? Big schools with big sports? What will he major in?</p>
<p>I’m going to send you a pm. :)</p>
<p>Ah, our OP is missing the lure of “FUN!” This is a two step process: 1) make sure son knows that not everyone who applies to Wonderful State gets in. He needs to compare his GPA/SAT scores with those that did recently. Even if he is at the high end, he still needs at least one other option on the table because we can count that state applications will be up 20% this year (true as many are hurting with the economy. This sets the stage for 2) where you say "DS, you are ready for some independence. I will finance a trip for you and a buddy to go see another college of your choice. I won’t go. This will be your trip. And, yes, you can take off two/three days from school to do this. "</p>
<p>Believe me, this is WELL worth the money and nervousness. Now you are not the jail warden making his life miserable. You are the coolest parent on the planet and you are financing his growth and freedom. </p>
<p>What if he says he wants to check out University of Hawaii? Check airfares before you say no. Who knows – if he and buddy can get a cheap flight, it could be the trip of a lifetime. </p>
<p>If you are not ready for him to drive to destination, cheerfully pay the airfare or train ticket (for him AND friend). </p>
<p>For the record, in the 1970’s my father-in-law sent his 22 year old son cash and asked him to buy a car in Europe and drive it out to his work in Nepal. Along with older son, went younger brother (then age 19, now my DH). The two young men had an unforgettable journey. And the confidence they had that their father had confidence in them was priceless. </p>
<p>Give freedom. Give it boldly. (And then put your foot down and make sure DS knows he can NOT go to local party where booze is shared. Travel, yes. Booze, no). Good luck!</p>
<p>“If you pick the college it will leave a permanent scar.”</p>
<p>It will. I’ve been there. I know.</p>
<p>I agree that the parents should be comfortable with any school to which an app is being submitted–but so should the student, and the student should be prepared to accept the possibility that he/she will end up at something other than their first choice for financial reasons.</p>
<p>This happened to me: my first choice was Williams, and I was seriously in love with the place and excited about going there. But when the aid offers came, Williams offered about $1500 and Hamilton, $3500 (which in those days was nearly full tuition and about half the cost of attendance). My parents basically said, “look, if you can come up with the difference, go for it, but if we’re paying, you’re going to Hamilton.” I was disappointed but I understood–we didn’t have a lot of money, and reality was reality. We may very well end up having a similar conversation with our son.</p>
<p>Wow Olymom! I’ll be YOUR kid!</p>
<p>^^ Or Olymom’s father-in-law’s kid!</p>
<p>The question is…If we pay, do we get to choose the college?</p>
<p>Hmmm…if you pay for your child’s wedding, do you get to choose the spouse? LOL ;)</p>
<p>OK…in the above analogy, obviously, you don’t get to “choose” the spouse, but you do get to say how much you’ll spend on the wedding. And, similarly, you certainly can seek out less expensive but respectable options to bring down the cost of the wedding, right? …And, if you have legitimate (not exagerated) reasons for believing that the marriage won’t last long, you have every right not to spend very much. (my neighbor is still seething over the loan she’s paying back to cover her D’s wedding when the marriage only lasted 8 months - and she KNEW it wouldn’t last.)</p>
<p>So…with the same sense of logic…</p>
<p>1) You all need to at least consider less expensive options that your child will like.</p>
<p>2) Determine if $12k per year is too expensive for you (don’t know where that $100k figure is coming from since you’ve indicated that your child would get a small scholarship that brings the cost down to $12k - or is that $12k tuition only??)</p>
<p>3) No point in anyone arguing now. Just apply to various schools - some that will give great merit - and see what all shakes out.</p>
<p>Go to State U with him and have him show you around, keeping an open mind-- maybe he’ll convince you. At the very least he’ll have to do enough research to start thinking seriously about the choice himself. (Do they have an honors college? It sounds like he’s eligible.) Then it’s your turn-- he has to keep an open mind as you tour a college or two that you suggest, and you will just have shown him how. You might find yourselves agreeing more than you expect to.</p>
<p>^^^</p>
<p>good idea.</p>