I'm About To Lose It

Parents Forum
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<p>I didn’t read all the suggestions in this thread–but here’s mine:</p>

<p>Tell your mom you are on it. Tell her that her stress is affecting you and making it hard to concentrate. Come up with a mutually agreeable ‘check in’ time–maybe Sunday evening at dinner, say. And agree that unless YOU bring up college/applying/essays, that she needs to just let it go until that agreed upon time.</p>

<p>She will NOT be there in college with you, reminding you of your assignments. Gently remind her that YOU need to do this, and the most helpful thing she can do right now is to give you the space to do this on your own. </p>

<p>-a former helicopter mom who learned that the best gift to my children was to let them fly solo</p>

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<p>I did not have any desire to pay a college consultant to track the dates, etc (we can easily do that). I did give D2 the option of having me pay a consultant we know (and she knows well, he coaches her academic team activity) to review her essays instead of me. She said she was fine with me doing it, though.</p>

<p>I do agree that one college at a time is a really good idea. It takes some time to get a really good set of essays for one school. You want them to be consistent, and don’t want to repeat yourself across the common app and school essays. Not so hard if you just have a “Why X” essay, but if you are also told to “connect the dots” or “define knowledge” or “find Waldo”, it is important to focus on the Common App and the supplement as a whole package. Then once they are done, reviewed by some adult and tweaked, had a final proofread, then submit. And go on to the next. D2 is about to submit her 3rd of 10 using this approach, and has started on the essay for #4. So far she is pretty well on track.</p>

<p>If you do a calendar spreadsheet, look over the supplement requirements for each school. Some are easy (one just wanted 47 words on “Why X”). Some are hard (argh… University of Chicago, multiple essays). Give more time in your deadlines to the ones with more work. And obviously do them in the order they are due.</p>

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<p>OP </p>

<p>I’m a parent – here’s what I recommend.</p>

<p>First – I like the Spread-sheet idea. It’s what we used with my daughter – we color coded the thing, by steps in the process – and posted it on the fridge – – we tried to make it humorous. Starting from an original ‘look’ list of 20 schools, which was winnowed down to 10 applications – when she eliminated a school, it went to black on the chart (as did any rejections – blotted from recognition).</p>

<p>We didn’t have to ask her where she was, just look at the chart. If a school was still ‘yellow’ and it was within a few weeks of application, we might ask a question, but basically, we knew where she stood.</p>

<p>Otherwise – and here is really my best advice. Be proactive. Before Mom asks you, tell her each day what you’ve done. (“I’ve been working on my main essay”; I did the Supplement for XXXX.) If you tell her, she will know that you’re working on it and that you’re taking responsibility for it.</p>

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<p>OP, write a draft of your essay - ad DRAFT! It doesn’t have to be perfect, it doesn’t have to be anywhere near perfect, but you need to have a first draft. Then you have something to work with. You obviously haven’t had the benefit of a school where the English classes all assign a common app essay as part of their first semester grading. If you had the deadline set by your teacher, you would have it done by now, but you’re suffering from having far off deadlines. Perhaps doing one early application would have gotten you going, but instead you put everything off.</p>

<p>The biggest problem with putting this off is that it won’t get any easier. If anything, it will get more difficult because the pressure of the deadline looms, and other pressures are being added - our kids have midterms in January - right when many of them are submitting RD applications.</p>

<p>The spreadsheet is a good idea, and will help you organize all of your applications, and prioritize which essays are to be done when. But it will also help you in terms of having a list of essays. If you know you have 10 essays to write, you’re better off doing 2 a week now, rather than trying to write 10 all at once. You can also consider which essays are similar, so you can adapt a single essay for 3 or 4 applications. And if you have enough lead time, you don’t have to write them in the order they are due, you could write whichever one seems easiest at the time. Just getting one done with be helpful, for both you and your mother.</p>

<p>This is a stressful process for you, but you have to remember this is stressful for her too, and she has little control over the situation. She is probably concerned that you won’t end up getting any applications in on time, or that you will be stuck with limited choices - which could end up even more limited if you don’t get enough financial aid. Maybe you’re not applying to any colleges where this is the case, but many schools have priority deadlines for financial aid purposes, and you need to meet those deadlines even if you’re not applying ED or EA. For your mother this may be as much about being able to afford college for you as it is about getting in.</p>

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<p>Sounds to me like you’re creating your own drama. If your grades and scores are all that you say they are, and I’m sure they are…then you know how to work hard and get stuff done. Just get off CC, stop transferring blame to other people and get the work done.</p>

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<p>I was a Dad just like that, and we finally came up with a system that when I ws being too irritating, he would say “Begone” (with the approporiate hand motion) and I would disappear.</p>

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<p>Can I make a suggestion (on top of the other good ones, especially about evaluating where you are right now and making a roadmap to finish what you need to), and that is to take a (real or figurative) deep breath and say to yourself “It’s okay, my life doesn’t depend on this, no one is going to die if I don’t write the perfect essay” and take a step back to ponder on that? I understand the kind of pressure kids are under today, all the fears about the future, about getting into the ‘right’ school and so forth, but you have to give yourself a break, too. Given what you say about your grades and test scores you can handle what you are trying to do, have handled pressure, so it isn’t like you can’t do it, you have…and if so, take the pressure off yourself. I am not saying don’t work on it or dawdle, I am saying trust yourself, trust your instincts and write the essays, get them down…and trust yourself, you have to. I know when I faced deadlines with writing, staring at a blank piece of paper or a screen didn’t make it easier, I found it worked to sit back and listen to some music while letting my mind wander, pick up a book that caught my eye and read a little while pondering the question at hand…whatever works for you, get to some sort of relaxed state if you can, and see if it flows. </p>

<p>Maybe read selections of college essays online for inspiration (don’t plagiarize them, especially the ones that are up there to show how bad they are)…heck, if within the context of the essay, write about the experience of writing the essay, the pressures, the writers block, the emotions ('why can an essay determine my future like this…)…My S had to write an essay about a hard challenge he faced, if they have something like that, how about how hard the whole process of applying to college has been for you?..(just a thought)…</p>

<p>Don’t overthink it, if you are thinking of ideas and saying “that isn’t good enough”, “That’s stupid”, you may be killing yourself.The main purpose of the essay is to show how the person writes and what they are like, they aren’t looking at the subject matter of the essay as much as they are looking at how you express it. And also keep in mind the application essay is only one small part of the application process, while it has influence, from what I know of admissions, including knowing through a friend an admissions person at a top school, the essay alone is unlikely, outside of someone so borderline as every piece is needed, to influence the decision alone, it isn’t going to get a mediocre person admitted and it is unlikely to get a good student reject on the basis of it alone, and that makes sense. Since you have good stats, prob have the ec’s and such, then put the essay into perspective, it is one part and one part only. </p>

<p>I know how hard the pressure is, my S is a violinist, applying to top music programs, where the admit is based on a 10 minute (or less audition) alone and where most of that is playing near flawlessly. An essay in the admissions process probably in the overall scheme of academic admissions is prob about as much as stage presence or musicality accounts for in an audition; in an academic admit, the grades and scores are going to weight very heavily, then things like EC’s and such, and then prob the essay, on a music admit the technical prowess is prob 90% of the admit process and the rest 10% and I suspect the essay is prob in that 10% range as well (just from what I know)…you have done the hard work, and the essay is the finishing trim, keep it in that perspective and you might find it suddenly comes to you:). Doesn’t mean not to take it seriously, just realize you have already done a lot of the most important, serious work…</p>

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<p>Thanks guys for the advice.</p>

<p>To address some of your points:</p>

<p>1) I haven’t been sitting around doing nothing the last few months. I’ve given a TEDx talk, was invited (and attended) a youth entrepreneurship summit in NYC, released an iPhone app, and started developing a not-for-profit website that will provide everyone with access to free education (I’m partnering with a child prodigy who is several years younger than me but currently a grad student).</p>

<p>2) I know how much work it is, and I’m not looking to defer the blame to anyone else. However, having my parents ask about it several times a day certainly isn’t helping—it’s making it worse.</p>

<p>3) I understand the importance of the essays & will be making them “perfect”. This is one of the reasons why it’s so stressful.</p>

<p>4) I’m not creating my own drama. I hate drama.</p>

<p>5) I have set some deadlines. I got 3 hours of sleep last night, so I can’t work too much harder than I currently am.</p>

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<p>My kids worked somewhat with high school teachers on their essays. Also, as I recall they recycled some essays they’d written for prior classes or summer school applications, etc. </p>

<p>I don’t think the OP should feel so alone in the process. I think s/he should start by reaching out to a teacher who know and likes her writing. Or a guidance counselor. </p>

<p>Or even better, a friend a year or two older already in college. That’s something my DD did. She had a friend who’d been thru the whole process critique one of her essays. And her older sibling. </p>

<p>Not me, though. Mothers need to be put in lockdown during this stuff!</p>

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<p>Was going to answer more thoroughly but CTScoutmom said it for me and was far more eloquent. When we were watching D go through the application process your situation seemed eerily familiar. Having lived through it already I can affirm that procrastinating only makes things worse unless you’re the kind who gets revved up and inspired when the deadline is only 12 hours away and then ends up pushing that “send” key in the last few minutes before midnight of whenever. (Know also that there will be hundreds more pushing the button at the same time and your App may hang as the system is overloaded, causing more needless anxiety as the seconds tick away.) Now you may know in your heart that you can handle it but I’m betting your Mom may not and she’s freaking out, hence the constant nagging. </p>

<p>So here’s some advice from a mother who’s been there: write your main CommonApp essay and any supplemental essays in the next few days and give them to a teacher to look over to see how they read. Forget about perfection. That’s what the teacher is for. Now there is time to tweak and polish them while school is on and you still have access to that resource. While you’re waiting for feedback on the essays, start plugging in your credentials on the CommonApp form. If you haven’t gotten this far yet, know that you can do it piecemeal over several sessions. Then announce to your mother that you have done something, anything. At least she’ll know some progress is being made. The more you chip away at it the less you will have to do before the deadlines arrive (and the calmer your mother will be and possibly you as well).</p>

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<p>wcclirl444, </p>

<p>Wow! You HAVE been busy. My middle kid had a whirlwind senior year that was very stressful, especially with me in the middle of it pushing. I saw that some people had suggested a chart. We had one - but I made it, not her - she didn’t have time to put it together - she really didn’t. But it helped both of us. We posted it on the refrigerator. It had a set of dates, “Inquiry date”, “due date”, “drop dead date”. They were set one week apart from each other. The drop dead date was obviously the FINAL required due date. We tried to have everything done a week early. ONLY after the inquiry date was I allowed to ask about the task, and only ONE time to draw attention to the fact that the due date was approaching. If it wasn’t ready by the due date - serious discussions took place, “How can I help you?”, “Do you have too much going on?”, “What needs to happen to get this in on time?” etc.</p>

<p>There were responsibilities for HER and for ME too.</p>

<p>See if you can get your parents directly involved in the process. “Mom, I could really use your help with organizing and prioritizing for me. I’m so busy DOING, I’m finding it difficult to plan properly.”</p>

<p>and finally…YOU NEED YOUR SLEEP. You’re going to get sick if you don’t sleep enough.</p>

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<p>No, no, I am saying that the essays are NOT that important, especially in the context of the activities you describe.</p>

<p>And I am also saying that they do NOT have to be perfect at all. The important thing is that they be YOURS, so try not to let adults tamper with them.</p>

<p>In my experience, you have plenty of time to do these. Maybe stop doing them for awhile. </p>

<p>Tell your mom that like another poster’s kid here, mine did theirs at the last minute, in the kitchen, and couldn’t have done better with admissions.</p>

<p>Sorry, but I don’t think that making things complicated by making spreadsheets or researching is a good idea. Keep it simple. Keep the number of applications down if you can. Read the essay questions, maybe put them all down on one piece of paper. Go about your business, let your brain percolate, and write a straightforward answer. Do not try to be special. You already are.</p>

<p>If your mom and and mom can brainstorm in a natural and companionable way, that’s fine, but only when you are moved to do it, not when she wants you to. And you do not need to have anyone read your essays unless you want them to.</p>

<p>One last tip: for some reason, looking at old photo albums and school writings helped all 3 of my kids…</p>

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<p>OP: Stop procrastinating. College apps do not need to be perfect. Perfectionists often fail because they take too long, are never satified & miss deadlines. If you were an attorney, malpractice would be a concern if you miss filing deadlines. Just get it/them done today. It is much worse to miss a deadline than it is to submit an average work product.</p>

<p>P.S. Don’t waste that 34 ACT score by delaying.</p>

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<p>^I still have a month. I am trying to get all of my apps done my Sunday, but you don’t have to act like I have no chance if I don’t get them done within the next 24 hours. + my 34 ACT definitely won’t be what hopefully gets me into the schools that I’m applying to, just FYI.</p>

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<p>Just FYI: I agree with your mother.</p>

<p>P.S. Trying to get all your apps done by Sunday is just another form of procrastination.
Also, consider Colorado College & Cornell College (in Iowa).</p>

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<p>wcclirl444:
Another bit of advice. Process what you’ve read here, take what is useful to you, chuck the unhelpful things, and then exit the thread.
I agree with those who say your essays do not need to be perfect; you have so much going for you. You will get it done, I have no doubt in my mind at all about that. </p>

<p>Your problem as you state it is mainly that you are feeling a lot of stress, and that your mom is adding to it. There’s lots of advice about those points here.</p>

<p>One tiny other bit, that helped one of my kids a lot. She would go somewhere else, away from home and without internet access–ie, quiet coffee shop not frequented by her friends. That’s where she found the space she needed to write ideas. That may or may not be your style, but getting away from the online chatter/distractions helped her, and I think it generally helps with stress.</p>

<p>That and a good walk. Hugs to you. You will get through this.</p>

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<p>And do tell us where you got acceptances when the time comes! Gives me closure.</p>

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<p>Good advice here. I’d also involve your mom in the process if you can. If you will be applying for financial aid, getting her started on her taxes (for FAFSA and Profile) is a great idea - that work is mostly hers, not yours, and if she can get that going now it will be huge - FAFSA can be filed Jan 1st or 2nd and the earlier the better.</p>

<p>I find in my own work that lists help me stop feeling overwhelmed. So a spreadsheet or list of goals and dates might help you get rolling and feel a little more in control. Sharing that list with your mom may help her back off some too.</p>

<p>I second the idea of looking at other essays if you are stuck. There are books (you can get free from the library) and web sites with them. Reading through a few might jog your memory or give you an idea that you can build on. Sounds like with TEDx, the iphone app, the web site, etc that you have a lot of experiences you can write about.</p>

<p>There are some colleges that don’t require an essay at all…maybe get apps in to those first.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>wcclirl444–we are acting like you don’t have a chance if you don’t get them done soon because you have already missed some important deadlines at many schools, namely some merit aid application deadlines. Hopefully the schools you are considering don’t have those deadlines but honestly, if my kids put off their applications this long and missed those deadlines there would be holy heck to pay at our house. While it’s admirable the other activities you have been doing, it isn’t like you didn’t know these deadlines were coming too. The process isn’t as complicated as you are making it out to be, especially if any of your schools are on the common app. Sorry, I am not one to give a lot of sympathy when it’s a situation you created yourself. Did that app NEED to be done this month for example? Could it have waited 2 more weeks so you could have done your apps? Why did you commit to doing some of these things when you knew these deadlines were coming? Perhaps you could have delayed the start of a couple of these for a couple weeks even?</p>

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<p>You obviously are a quite capable and motivated kid. I have helicopter tendencies, and I was excited about my D’s applications. But once she pointed out that<em>I</em>was the one adding unnecessary stress on her, I was able to back off.</p>

<p>Parents, really, if your kids can’t take handle the responsibility and get this done without a lot of nagging from you, how are they going to manage next year when you’re not there? Can you not trust that they’ll ask for help if they need it? (Serious questions from me.)</p>

<p>Surely you can find a middle ground somewhere and take the role of a (real) encourager.</p>

<p>To the OP, good luck. You sound like a great kid. This <em>is</em> a stressful time, and in another few weeks, this part of it will be over. (Then you can worry while you wait to hear back, but that’s a different kind of stress. :)</p>