I'm gay but I NEED my unsupportive parents' support for college... help?

Parents Forum
1

<p>I'll be headed off to college in less than 2 years, and I know that I will not be able to make it on my own financially. My southern baptist (christian) parents have always been very loving and supportive, but that changed when they found out that I was gay. Now they have made it clear that if I "choose to live this (gay) lifestyle", they will not support me financially and any future partners will never be invited into their home.</p>

<p>I know, firstly, that this violates the "unconditional" love that parents are supposed to provide, but I need more ground to stand on in order to help my parents learn that this is who I am and that it's not harmful to me in any way. I need their support, and of course want them to be a part of my life, no matter who I am. Given the situation they have put me in and the things they have put me through, I think this is very generous. </p>

<p>I am posting this because I desperately need help and advice from anyone who has been in this situation, or any parents who have had children in this situation. My parents and I have endlessly talked about it, but have come to a standstill on a clear boundary between what we each believe. It seems neither of us are able to budge on our opinions on this subject.</p>

<p>How can I keep my parents in my life without compromising who I know i am?</p>

<p>Thank you.</p>

2

<p>First of all, congratulations on your self-discovery at an early age and congratulations on your coming out to your parents!</p>

<p>You write:</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>We on CC have discussed these types of issues endlessly, and hopefully you’ll be able to find some old threads that you’ll find useful (use the advanced search option).</p>

<p>I suspect there will be plenty of more substantive responses to your query on this thread too. I have no personal experience in dealing with conservative southern baptist homophobia so I’m not sure my advice is worth much. But how about if you declare a truce of sorts? You agree to let your parents live in some stage of prolonged denial about the real you: you refrain from talking in too much detail about your gay life(style). Obviously your parents now know that you are gay so it isn’t like you are hiding anything but they might just be happier not talking about it. Think of it as your own family version of ‘don’t ask don’t tell’? </p>

<p>But like I said, I’m not sure you should listen to my advice. Perhaps others will chime in and share their own personal experiences.</p>

3

<p>

Tell them that Jesus said to love everyone, never preached hate against gays, and hating someone based on Christianity is a regretful perversion of a faith of love.</p>

<p>Since that won’t work, you should tell them that you aren’t trying to disobey them, but to be true to yourself, which you will do no matter what. Ask them if they would rather have you turned out in the world to fend for yourself, or to be loved by a family.</p>

4

<p>Time will allow their feelings to get sorted out. Be patient with them. Parents need to take this all in and learn new aspects of you they never thought about before. I attach this poem, (it’s actually for parents who have a child with a disability, not about a child who is gay) because you should try to understand they have to “learn a new language” and learn to accept this. Please don’t take offense, where no offense was intended.

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5

<p>My son is gay, came out to us when he was 15 and we completely accept him. Please accept a cyber-hug of acceptance from a mom who knows you are perfect and perfectly normal. </p>

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<p>This is where they are now. They may change or they may not. But try not to get too hung up on declarations they are making.</p>

<p>I like the idea of a truce of sorts. Although that may not be possible. You wrote,

</p>

<p>You may not be able to at this point in your life. You know who you are and that is what really counts. Other people’s validation of that can feel very important, and in a way it is, but it’s not the most important thing. You may need to keep your parents at a distance, or frankly even lie to them, while you are financially dependent on them. </p>

<p>You need a college education and that may require some compromise in terms of not being completely open with them or even open at all in terms of relationships. At your college graduation you can thank them and then introduce them to your future wife! </p>

<p>Do you have an adult in your life you can speak with honestly? I hope you do. I wish you the very best of luck.</p>

6

<p>Dude, that sucks. I have no advice for you, but good luck man.</p>

7

<p>Speaking as a family member of a lesbian, I will say that although we were surprised at first, the more we thought about it, the more it made sense. My Mom had a time where she was sad that my sister will bear no children. Now its really just no big deal to any of us. After 15 years, that news is so “yesterday”. </p>

<p>I’m not going to judge your parents, just as I think they should not judge you. I will pray for you all to regain some family harmony. I will say to them, that let’s suppose they are right and there is a sin involved with your lifestyle … well, folks, love the sinner. We are all sinners. </p>

<p>May God bless you and yours. In the meantime, you might want to seek out a PFLAG group for support. Our local PFLAG chapter meets at a Lutheran church.</p>

8

<p>My opinion isn’t based on any experience or authority but i wanted to offer this. What your parents say now may have no relationship to what they will say later on. They may not change, but i think if this news is relatively new, their early reactions may not predict the longhaul.</p>

<p>I will also take a guess that what they really believe is that you have a choice in the matter (I know you don’t but they do not). And in their minds, you are committing a sin. So as they see it, if you are choosing to commit a sin that is going to harm you, they will do everything in their power to get you to change your mind. That might mean threats and punishments-- anything they can think of to hold over you to get your mind changed.</p>

<p>I have a friend for example, whose parents from the same background as yours, literally did not talk to him for a year after he told them he was gay (their thinking was if they ostracized him, he would ‘eventually come around’ and see what he was doing was ‘wrong’). Of course it didn’t work. And they came to learn this, they realized how much it hurt everyone, and well, eventually they came to accept him and now they have a fantastic relationship. </p>

<p>It is so early for you yet. Your parents have not stopped loving you! They are just desperate to ‘right’ the situation as they see it, and ‘cure a problem’ with whatever amunition they can throw at it. But I will guess that they will eventually see all these power games are futile, and their love for you will override everything else. I hope that is the case and I hope you can hang in there!</p>

9

<p>I know this seems like the hugest issue right now (please see the “It gets better” you tube series) but, for most of your life, sex is going to be NOT the largest slice of life. Sure, it can be the loveliest part of the day, but chances are you are going to be making a living and having all sorts of things that are important in your day. </p>

<p>So, direct at least some of your energies figuring out what you want to do to earn a living. I get that you may want to be a “journalist exploring gay issues,” but, with the parents you could talk about being interested in journalism. Or horticulture or brain surgery or interior decorating or rocket science. </p>

<p>Let them see and love your other passions. </p>

<p>You can also ask their advice on how you should serve your community (by that I mean “Whositville, USA” not “the gay community.”). Service is SO important. It helps us put our own troubles in perspective (Straight from the Bible: “I cried because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet.”). It will also help your parents love you for the wonderful human being you are – whether it’s pounding nails for Habitat for Humanity (very cathartic!) or learning to sort eyeglasses for the Lions Club or whatever else there is (or should be). </p>

<p>It sounds like you are in the fourteen to sixteen age bracket. Try and resist to be All Drama All the Time. I know the sexual issues will be a constant presence but you can move it from Front Burner, Full Boil to Very Slow Cooker. Count on your parents to hope madly that things will change. Don’t hate them for that. Don’t indulge in the zing of adrenaline that comes with righteousness and indignant feelings. Lead, for Christ’s Sake. (I mean that both in the grumpy and spiritual sense). If you want them to be kind, then you be kind. If you want them to be accepting, then you accept that they have some limitations. </p>

<p>Concentrate on career and service development. Be a peacemaker and a generous soul. The parents may still leave you on your own at age 18 but at least you’ll know you did your best. </p>

<p>I’ve seen a few teens go stomping out of a family, shouting “They are throwing me out! They are such righteous prudes! They can’t accept me for me!” (because of anything from sexuality to money management styles). And, from next door, I’d have to say that the parents had had enough of a self absorbed, immature, selfish, unkind slob. </p>

<p>Please be as mature and as giving as you can be. And, if you have to leave to face the world on your own, close the door behind you . . . gently. We are rooting for you.</p>

10

<p>Hang in there. Gay unmarried Jesus will love you as you are. And (and I bet sooner rather than later), your parents will come around. It has come as a shock to them, and takes some getting used to. But you are not by any stretch of the imagination the first openly gay teen in a Southern Baptist family, nor will you be the last. Just be the the most wonderful you that you are and can be, and, I believe, God (or the gods, or what/whoever) will take care of the rest.</p>

11

<p>“living this gay lifestyle”. There is a difference in being gay and living a sexually active lifestyle, just as there is a difference in being heterosexual and the same. It doesn’t matter which gender is attractive to you, it does matter how you act on your desires. As a teenager living at home it can be expected that you practice abstinence, meaning the same behaviors that would be allowed between you and a girl in your parents’ definition of proper behavior. Your parents have a right to set standards for behavior in their home and to expect their minor child to comply.</p>

<p>The above means no double standards, for you or your parents. If you mean that your parents can’t handle your sexual orientation without your acting on it while a member of their household- that is different. Others have given some very good advice. Make sure they see the other 90+ percent of who you are. Continue to get them involved on the other aspects of who you are- as mentioned. </p>

<p>My statements probably sound awkward. I’m trying to show how issues may be just as much about teenage sexuality as they are about gender preferences. I’ll bet your parents would have strong feelings about any sexual behaviors- girl- as well as boy- friend related. Follow the other posters’ advice to diminish the impact of your coming out- show them there is so much more to love and support than this facet of who you are. Hopefully they will be able to get beyond this over time- before the need for college financing comes. There must be support groups you can contact for information on dealing with parents of their religion (do an online search?).</p>

12

<p>You took the hardest step. You came out. I admire your courage. Your parents obviously need time to accept your sexuality, so give them time. You are still in high school and very young. Your parents do not have to meet or approve of your partners at this time. Focus on your studies and into getting into the university of your dreams. Once there, you can focus on your education and on your sexuality. By the time you are old enough to be in a serious relationship, your parents will be ready to accept your partner.</p>

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<p>I live and work in a Southern state where Southern Baptists hold great sway over pretty much every aspect of the culture. Just last night on one of our news stations was a story about one church’s program to “de-program” gays. I’ve lived most of my life in the Northeast and I have found living in this culture very challenging. </p>

<p>I work at a university and I have worked with a number of students who find themselves in a similar situation as the OP. They are, of course, older and now out of the house but the hurt and challenges from being shunned by their families because they are gay continue.</p>

<p>I like the advice many here have given the OP. This news is new and shocking to his/her parents and they may, in time, come to terms with it. They have not thrown the OP out of their home (a common thing around here) so that is very good news. If there is a chapter in PFLAG around OP’s area, I hope OP can, in time, convince his/her parents to attend a meeting. That might help.</p>

<p>But OP asked about college. A number of my students took the route of becoming legally emancipated from their parents during high school. (Unfortunately, this was often the result of being thrown out of the house.) It meant they were totally responsible for their college education but they were also eligible a need-based aid. With Pell Grants, other aid, part-time jobs, often part-time college enrollment, they made it through college because it was important to them. It was NOT easy. But it can be done.</p>

<p>To the OP - college is quite a way off for you. I would concentrate on repairing relations with your parents and deal with college down the road when you have a better idea of what to expect from them. I wish you the best.</p>

14

<p>I’m not sure why you are pushing your parents on this issue. I am sorry about their reaction about your announcement. However, as a parent, I am not a proponent of teenagers having sex anyways. Yes, I know they do, but it is not something I facilitate or encourage. It’s not what your school, parents, chaperones are going to support and, in fact, they actively discourage it, trying to eliminate opportunities for it. This is the case for heterosexual as well as homosexual encounters. In certain areas, the effort is particularly vigorous and if you are fighting against that, you may not have the juice left to work on getting your parents’ support for college.</p>

<p>I don’t know what your school/community environment is like any more than I do your home situation, but if homosexuality is something that is considered a scourge, it is often a choice for young people to either actively fight the issue making it a vocation or sit back, focus on your school work and getting your parents support until you are out of the house and on your own. Though I do not support homophobes, I also do not believe that parents are required to pay for their kids college and even if I did not believe this, it is a fact of life. So the bottom line is that you are going to have a lot of obstacles to going to college without parental support. Their financials are going to be part of yours whether you like it or not, and if they flat out refuse to fill out forms for you and refuse to pay as well, you are literally screwed in that area. I don’t think it’s worth your being an activist and lobbying very reluctant parents these years with that risk being very real. Again,you are there so you can judge how possible that is.</p>

<p>The other thing about announcing this sexuality revelation is that it may not be permanent. I am a middle aged, approaching old aged woman and I’ve known no fewer that 20-30 people who were once homosexual, and very upfront about it, who are now comfortably esconced in a heterosexual relationship. Yes, for some folks, sexuality is a constant, but for some it is not. As homosexuality is becoming more accepted in society, we get more bisexual people. And some settle down one way or the other, and some do not. It’s really a private matter anyways so why bring uncomfortable parents into this situation? It’s not like they are going to be supportive and helpful to you? It’s lose, lose, lose, trying to convince them of your views. When you are an adult and out of their check account and wallet and home, you can be on equal footing and engage such discussions. The golden rule does hold in families. There are lifestyles that I won’t support financially though I have no objection if someone wants to live them. Just not on my dime and not in my house. </p>

<p>Inthebiz’s last paragraph says it all.</p>

15

<p>

I think this is pretty good advice. One tip: when talking to your parents, don’t use terms like “homophobia.” They feel as they do because of the religious beliefs they’ve been taught, not because of a mental disorder.</p>

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<p>I’m puzzled why you have to talk about sex to your parents at all. It’s one thing if this is something that they do well and want to do, but it’s just trouble for you. None of my kids bring up their private business like their sex lives to me and I didn’t with my parents. Yes, I know families where it is something that is discussed, but clearly for you it causes nothing but problems Leave it alone.</p>

17

<p>I think others have covered the emotional support angle well, so I won’t focus on that, though I do offer you and your family love and patience.</p>

<p>If you think your parents are open enough to at least talking to someone else about this, you could find a local PFLAG or maybe a local church that’s gay-friendly.</p>

<p>In terms of college, you have three main options:
-Get your parents’ financial support…even if that means hiding who you are in front of them. Right now this may seem like a bad option, but really, consider it. It doesn’t have to be that bad. You can still come out and express yourself to your friends, to trusted adults and community members, and you can continue to do so in college. You just need to refrain from talking about sex or your sexuality at the dinner table.
Again, I know you may see this as not being true to yourself, but the fact of the matter is that you have a few years left at home under your parents’ control and the rest of your life to lead your ‘true’ life. It’s not that bad a price to pay if your parents prefer denial.</p>

<p>-Legally emancipate yourself and apply for need-based financial aid. This is a really tricky and long process, and you will probably alienate your family in the process. I don’t advise this unless the situation is really dire (i.e. family members are being violent or otherwise abusive), which doesn’t seem to be the case here.</p>

<p>-Search for and apply to college where you can get full or almost-full merit scholarships. There are plenty of threads here on CC with this information. The downside is that few of these scholarships are guaranteed, and you’re also more likely to alienate your family.</p>

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<p>“They feel as they do because of the religious beliefs they’ve been taught, not because of a mental disorder.”</p>

<p>Homophobia IS a mental disorder, and is deserving of our compassion.</p>

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<p>One side thinks homophobia is a mental disorder, the other side thinks homosexuality is a mental disorder or moral failing. Each side needs to treat the other with compassion. And compassion includes not calling someone a name that will trigger resentment and anger, even if you think it is true. OP’s parents should not keep calling her a sinner and OP shouldn’t call her parents homophobic.</p>

20

<p>OP: There is so much more to you than your sexuality (and I’m speaking as the parent of a gay 15 yr old S). Continue to get good grades, participate in ECs, volunteer in the community, etc. Very soon, the issue of your sexuality will become just another aspect of who you are. I agree with some of the posters that, at your age, your sexuality should not be THE main topic. Honestly, in our family, we do not sit around and discuss the sexuality of any of my kids - gay or straight. </p>

<p>I would hope that your parents will continue to see you as a whole person - smart, funny, caring, compassionate, family-oriented. When it comes around to college I hope that your parents will treat you as any other child - especially if you work hard and get accepted to a great college.</p>