My parents will not support me because of my sexuality: What do I do?

Parents Forum
1

<p>I am on the verge of being disowned for my sexuality. I am a queer girl, and have tried to come out to them several times over the past three years, only to be threatened back into the closet.</p>

<p>I am now in my second semester of senior year and one and half months away from turning eighteen.</p>

<p>My parents found out about me a few nights ago, the first during which none of us slept. My mother has been sending me ex-gay materials and my father is still not even convinced that I've "gone so far down that road."</p>

<p>They are obviously very upset, and are convinced that it is an adjustable lifestyle and moral issue. I've already told them it's a combination of biological and environmental (in the womb) factors, but they throw it back at me telling me it's nonsense. If you can't tell from my username, they're also Asian.</p>

<p>There is a three-day weekend coming up, and I just know that they're going to sit me down and go over the issue with me.</p>

<p>I'm completely willing to have a civil conversation with them, but my parents have also had a history of being violent with each other. I am afraid that in the light of recent events, that violence will turn on me. They already threatened violence and death threats on that first night. In addition, they have done nothing but shuffle a load of guilt and blame on me for "turning out this way" and having a "mental problem."</p>

<p>I've already spoken with my guidance counselor, who has been helping me find legal information and has advised me to go speak with our school police officer. However, I need a place to stay in case anything happens. I can't go to a youth hostel or homeless shelter because they're simply not in my area, and I don't have a job. I fully intend on getting one as soon as possible, but I also don't have a car.</p>

<p>I came here to get the thoughts of some other parents. What can I say to my parents to convince them that my sexuality is not an illness or lifestyle? If I do get cut off and kicked out (as in within the next few days to the next few weeks), where could I go? I have friends who say they'd take me in, but I don't know how their parents would feel about that. I know that there can be no solutions since you do not know me or my situation exactly, but any thoughts would be helpful.</p>

2

<p>I am so sorry to hear you are having to go through this difficult time. Unfortunately, you may not be able to convince your parents that your sexuality is not an illness - or it may take years before they come around.</p>

<p>None of us parents would tell a 17-year-old to go to a homeless shelter! You need a plan to keep you safe and sound until you graduate from high school this spring. It would be so good if you could find a way to be at peace with your parents and stay at home until you graduate from high school this spring.</p>

3

<p>I'm not a parent, but I'm also a queer teen so I thought I might be able to help. </p>

<p>you could try to convince your parents to attend a PFLAG meeting. they would have the opportunity to hear what other parents have to say, a lot of whom may have started out with views similar to those of your parents. there's a lot of other resources on the PFLAG website, also. PFLAG:</a> Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays</p>

<p>other things to read:
<a href="http://www.outproud.org/brochure_coming_out.html%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.outproud.org/brochure_coming_out.html&lt;/a>
There are a lot of books on the subject also, like "Straight Parents Gay Children" by Robert Bernstein, and "Is It A Choice?" by Eric Marcus, that you could probably find at your local (or school) library. You might want to show these to your parents.</p>

<p>if it does get as serious as your parents kicking you out, call one of these:
GLBT National Help Line: 1-888-THE-GLNH (1-888-843-4564)
National Gay and Lesbian Youth Hotline 1-800-347-TEEN
they should be able to put you in touch with a local GLBT resource center if there's one near you, or help you find a place to say, etc.</p>

<p>best of luck. you're not alone.</p>

4

<p>I wasn't aware that "queer" was a term that anyone would refer to themself as if they are gay
My grandfather , yes, but this strikes me as odd.</p>

5

<p>Thanks for the numbers, jarsilver. Unfortunately, my parents are really distrustful of American society, and I don't think they'd be willing to attend PFLAG.</p>

<p>lje62, queer is an umbrella term for any GLBTQQIAAP person. I use it because I do not feel as though I fit under the terms "gay" or "lesbian," though I do identify as part of the community.</p>

6

<p>I'm sorry you're having a difficult time and I hope things turn out better for you than you think. </p>

<p>Based on what you said (history and threats of violence), my first concern is for your safety. I would recommend having a plan in place to be able to leave your house immediately if you fear for your safety. Before the talk with your parents, secure/confirm a place to stay at the home of a friend with sympathetic parents. You'll need this if the worse happens (ask for permission to keep a packed bag there with some essentials). </p>

<p>Secondly, see if you can get some written materials from the resources that jarsilver mentioned. Your parents may object or scoff at them, but maybe at some point, they will read them. </p>

<p>I hope for the best for you.</p>

7

<p>asiantofu, I don't have any suggestions but I am thinking of you and hoping for the best in this impossible situation.</p>

<p>Can you give us a ballpark idea of where you live?</p>

8

<p>I'm sorry to hear about your parents' closed-mindedness. As a Catholic, I hate it when people assume that I am anti-gay when I have nothing against anyone's sexuality (and the Church does not believe that BEING gay is wrong or controllable, either, but disagrees with sex not being between a married man and woman...) but anyways, I especially feel for you and the rights of people oppressed because of their sexuality because I have thought it through so much and questioned everything because of my faith. I am praying that your parents will love you UNCONDITIONALLY and will come around. Nobody deserves to be rejected or unsupported because of their sexuality. Don't EVER let them convince you that you have an 'illness' when you clearly are more level-headed than they are. Hopefully the long weekend will give them and you time to think things through calmly and rationally. If things get really heated, suggest that you all sleep on it. Things usually calm down by the following morning. </p>

<p>If your parents do make serious threats or start to use violence of any sort toward yourself or each other, do not hesitate to stay somewhere else. Do you have a close friend with whom you could crash until things get settled? If you feel comfortable, ask the friend ahead of time if they would be willing to come and pick you up (maybe with their parents) if you honestly begin to feel unsafe in your household. What matters most is that you are safe and comfortable while your parents process what is wrongly seen as a "problem" in their eyes. </p>

<p>I agree with the above poster about getting them to go to any information sessions/meetings where they can both voice their concerns and hear persuasive arguments from parents who have been there. </p>

<p>Best of luck! You're in my prayers!</p>

9

<p>Lay low, don't confront them, listen to what they say (even when you totally disagree and know that what they are saying is completely untrue), nod your head and don't say much. ( Either that, or find a good friend and go live with them until you graduate). Your goal should be to be SAFE and graduate from high school; once you are outside your parent's control you can try to educate them better. I know this doesn't sound optimal, but if they tend towards violence and are close-minded and intolerant, nothing that you will say will help at this point in time.</p>

10

<p>asiantofu, congratulations on taking that very important and risky step. it is always good to be true to oneself. It is difficult when your own parents cannot see their way to support you. Maybe time and space will help them come around. Just make sure you have a plan. The guidance counselor may also point you in the direction of a safe haven. Do you have any siblings or grandparents you can go to until things settle down?
Good luck and take jarsilvers advice.</p>

11

<p>Well, in general, Asian culture is very intolerant of any kind of deviation from the norm (trust me, I know what I am talking about). So the chance of your parents coming around anytime soon is fairly low. If they come around in the future, that's great, but the real issue is, what now?</p>

<p>Have you applied to college? If so, how are you going to finance it now that your parents are in this mood? If you have a full ride, that's great. If not, one way of dealing with this issue may be to declare yourself emancipated. It's a legal procedure. Once declared emancipated minor, since you have no financial resources, you can count on need based financial aids (unless you go through this process, your parents' income and asset, if the are meaningful, will prevent you from getting financial aid).</p>

<p>In a short term till fall, I agree with the other posters about staying with friends. You may be surprised how much good will some parents of your friends may have toward their children's friends provided they are well behaved. </p>

<p>My son once asked me if one of his friends, a REALLY NICE KID, who is having a tremendous load of problems with the parents who occasionally turned "physical", can stay with us. I said yes: the only condition being the parents know where the kid is - I won't do this like a spy operation behind the parents' back. </p>

<p>Trust me, there are a lot of really open-minded adults around. Don't be afraid to reach out.
I am rooting for you! Though my entire family is straight, I have been a very vocal supporter of gay rights.... In this world where there is so much violence, any two people who choose to love each other, rather than beat up each other, are a gift to all those around them regardless of their plumbing details - that's just technicality. </p>

<p>Chin up, and good luck. Persevere and be yourself. I had to overcome a tremendous social pressure to conform to the accepted norm to be who I am - and I am very happy for the courage I had as a young girl to resist that.</p>

12

<ol>
<li><p>Is your family part of a church community? If so, even if the church condemns homosexuality, it's possible that the minister or priest will (a) be sympathetic, (b) have experience dealing with family issues like this, and (c) be someone who can command your parents' respect and attention. (Of course, I also recognize that the minister or priest may be first in line to kidnap you into a "straightening" program, but if that's the case you probably already know not to look for help in that direction.)</p></li>
<li><p>Remember, in dealing with your parents, that however much criticism and shame they're trying to heap on you, they are probably feeling double that themselves. They probably believe in their hearts that they did something wrong to make you be this way, and that their friends will judge them harshly for that. Of course, that doesn't excuse them for mistreating you, but it should be a reminder to you that they are acting out of fear and self-doubt, not strength. Make certain that you are responding to them with love and reassurance.</p></li>
<li><p>This is a long game, and it's one you are 100% certain to win. But it's about the rest of your life, not about the next few weeks or months. Figure out what their personal concerns are, and meet them half way. Treat them with respect, make clear that you can't change who you are, but that you are not out to embarass them or rub their noses in it. (You can do that later, when you are independent, if you really need to.) Try to make a treaty that can work for awhile. Maybe you have to be celibate for a few months, or dress conservatively; it won't kill you.</p></li>
<li><p>Start working on a plan to leave home when you go to college, and not to come back too often or too long. Your parents will eventually come around -- almost everyone does -- but it will be easier if there is less contact. Make contingency plans for living your life without their financial support.</p></li>
<li><p>If you need to, take a friend up on the offer to harbor you if you absolutely can't stay at home. Talk to the friend and her parents now to make certain the offer is real, but try not to give your parents the sense that everyone else already knows their business. One of the cards you may hold is that if they force you to leave, that will expose them to public shame, and they can avoid it by having a truce with you. If they already feel shamed publicly, you've lost that leverage.</p></li>
</ol>

13

<p>OP- Your immediate physical safety is most important.</p>

<p>When I was your age (actually younger), my father kicked me out of the house for other "reasons." I stayed for months with a friend whose parents' only requirement was that my parents knew where I was. Is that an option for you? If so, make those plans now, and also plan to be a helpful, nonthreatening part of your new household.</p>

<p>If this is not an option for any reason, I hate to say this: until you graduate, go along with your parents in exchange for safety, graduation, and a safe place to live. I appreciate how distasteful this is. But we are talking long-term benefits vs.short-term confrontation with people who may never change. You have many decades in which you may live openly as you wish. Please do not shoot yourself in the foot for no benefit.</p>

<p>I do hope you will check in and let us know how you are doing.</p>

14

<p>JHS,</p>

<p>if we are dealing with the Asian community, all bets are off in terms of the church priest having the experience of dealing with something like this, and being understanding. Often times, they are the worst in terms of dealing with diversity - many of them are incredibly narrow minded and incredibly authoritarian to boot, which is the worst combination. In all likelihood, the parents are first generation immigrants, and live in a very insular community among their own people (like, Koreans, Chinese, etc) with very little "outside air" circulating. People tend to be very rigidly about what their neighbors are thinking, etc. </p>

<p>I had to "divorce" myself from the culture I was born and raised in, since their intolerance and rigidity were choking me to death. Luckily, my own parents were understanding and accepting. Until very recently, my own immediate family was the only people within the original ethnic community of mine that I associated with. I feel MUCH happier, open, and relaxed among people with western culture. To be completely honest, I would have disowned my parents if they stood in the way of letting me be who I am. I had one life to live, and I wanted to breathe freely, and I was willing to become/capable of being completely self sufficient very young. Maybe that's why they were accepting, they knew I was entirely capable of doing exactly that. (I turned out to be the bed rock for their support in their old age though).</p>

<p>The OP may have to find her/his support not among his/her own kind but rather in more open environment that is outside the community the parents belong. </p>

<p>The idea of harmony and compromise may be politically correct, but in the face of extreme prejudice, the right solution may be a "politically incorrect" one. </p>

<p>I am NOT advocating that the OP turn confrontational and dismiss the parents all together. If there is a comfortable solution for everybody, by all means go for it. If the OP can live with suppressing who s/he is for the sake of domestic harmony, go for it - it's less painful. However, if being who s/he is important (like it was for me), then s/he has to think hard about what s/he can live with and without. I am just pointing out that what's a good advice within the western culture that is far more liberal and open may not work in an entirely different cultural milieu. </p>

<p>By the way, none of my input is applicable if s/he does not have the option to stay with friends, etc. Under no circumstance, I would advise him/her to go homeless: physical safety is number one priority. If that's the case, the other posters' advise rules: eat a humble pie, and lay low until you can live safely outside the parents' house.</p>

<p>Any way, good luck to OP</p>

15

<p>Without addressing your specific issue, but just any teen with a big issue- my DH spent his late teens & early 20s vacillating between trying to please his parents and trying to share his feelings and thoughts....nothing as big as sexuality, mainly just having different opinions than they had.</p>

<p>It was a miserable time. </p>

<p>Now, 30 years later, his parents are still jerks. I have learned through their friends & family members that they have always been jerks, it was them not DH back then and there was no sense fighting the fight. They will never change.</p>

<p>We have a relationship and they even think it is a good one. We have progressively moved farther and farther away, we visit periodically, they always visited us too, I keep them updated on life & the grandkids, but we don't try to change them. We also try to stay enough emotionally distant that they don't have the power to be as hurtful.</p>

<p>Try to think about this as if you were adamantly in different political parties- it is something many people do not talk about at holiday dinner.</p>

<p>This is your life and your sexuality, not theirs. What is to be gained from rubbing it in their face, especially now as you are just coming into your own, as an adult. You can listen to them, take it in, tell them you will consider it, but not respond with what they should consider about you.</p>

<p>You can go to school, get involved in groups and over the next 4 years at college, get a better handle on who you are and how you are and why. Then when you are stronger and more confident in yourself and your feelings, when you are an independent adult, you can share with them what you feel they need to know.</p>

<p>They have raised you, you are almost an adult, in many ways it will not be any of their business. On the other hand, you are admittedly confused, why open yourself up to the harangue when you are not even sure what you want to argue? Why not give yourself a chance to learn about yourself without their asking you and badgering you about it?</p>

16

<p>what mafool said

[quote]
until you graduate, go along with your parents in exchange for safety, graduation, and a safe place to live

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Unless a perfect new master plan is in sight, whatever your parents say, respond with, "Oh, good, I see your point" (sadly age 17-going-on-18 is not a good time to draw a line in the sand) and, as JHS said, you may need to be celibate for a few months - a few months of celibacy may allow for graduation and a safe and peaceful end to your senior year. If you can bear it, try to survive the status quo for a few more months and work on a plan for the summer and then work on a plan for college in the fall.</p>

<p>And keep in touch please</p>

17

<p>
[QUOTE]
asiantofu, congratulations on taking that very important and risky step. it is always good to be true to oneself. It is difficult when your own parents cannot see their way to support you. Maybe time and space will help them come around. Just make sure you have a plan. </p>

<p>Take jarsilvers advice.

[/QUOTE]
</p>

<p>Wow - this is absolutely mind-boggling, and as far I am concerned an incredibly horrendous advice. </p>

<p>With only a few WEEKS of living at home left, the OP should try to defuse the situation as best as she can. Unless the OP does not plan to attend a college, she absolutely NEEDS to stay at home and count on the support of her parents to navigate the next few months when acceptances and financial aid documentation required the attention of parents. </p>

<p>The last months of high school and the following summer should be one of the best times for any graduating seniors. It is also a sad time for many parents who realize that their child is about to become both an adult and an independent person. After the summer, a completely new world will open up, and one that comes with plenty of opportunities to remain "true to oneself."</p>

<p>In the meantime, all the talk about trying to convert the parents or moving out is plain heresy, and probably fueled entirely by the personal agenda of the respondents as opposed to by common sense and rational thoughts.</p>

18

<p>xiggi, I'm not sure if your post was in response to mine, but I was trying to give OP a sense of her options and what was out there. it was pretty clear that asiantofu was not coming out by choice. I thought it was a least worth a try to show her parents resources that are specifically geared towards parents who have the same kind of response. of course, I'm not so delusional to think every parent's intolerance can be overcome, but it does happen.</p>

19

<p>This is the telephone number for the Trevor Project hotline, which is designed specifically for gltb kids in crisis. You are not alone, and the people at Trevor will understand what you're going through. Trevor Helpline: 866.4.U.TREVOR. They also have a website at <a href="http://www.TheTrevorProject.org%5B/url%5D"&gt;www.TheTrevorProject.org&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p>

<p>If your parents have a history of violence, and given that they are threatening you with violence, I hope you will follow the advice to keep yourself safe. If there is any risk that having a frank discussion will result in them becoming violent or harming you in any way, please do not have that discussion while you are living in their house and have no way to protect yourself. You deserve to live a long and beautiful life exactly as you are; please do not let the goal of changing your parents' minds jeopardize that!</p>

20

<p>
[quote]
Wow - this is absolutely mind-boggling, and as far I am concerned an incredibly horrendous advice.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>HUH?
In what way? You are reading something that isn't there.</p>