Indian parents, dating...and your experinces with them

College Confidential Community
21

<p>My choice of the word 'react' had no other meaning than act or behave. Guys you have to give we Indian parents a break. Many of us haven't learned the finner nuances of different words. To us if they mean similar we are free to use any one of them.</p>

<p>Now back to my feelings. I honestly don't have any feelings one way or the other. My son went to the homecoming dance. But it was kind of arranged. First he asked a girl, she said yes and then she backed out. Then he learned the finner art of asking the girl. First ask her friend than if the response is yes ask her directly. Before the homecoming, we were talking, teasing him about if wanted to go or not, and we felt that he might have felt pressured by us. So for prom, we told him in December that the decision will be his and we won't talk about the prom again - and we haven't.</p>

<p>Now the general concept of dating. I am all in favor of it. Mating is a natural instinct. One has to find a mate - college campuses are the best places to find your mate. Once you graduate, the circle as well as opportunity to find a mate diminishes somewhat.</p>

<p>I know many good Indian boys and girls who are on top of their professional career - many are doctors, lawyers and engineers, are in 30s and still single. I often wondered if the Indian kids have the skill set necessary to attract their mates or not. I also believe that perhaps we as Indian parents have failed our children by not providing them the infrastructure to co-mingle and develop that skill set.</p>

<p>Look at the American parenting. From a very early age on, the kids have opportunities like valentines, school dances, proms, church socials etc etc. The kids learn the art of attracting opposite sex. But what do we Indians do? We take them to temples, drag them to our friends houses, we never show affection to our spouses in public, we never leave them with a baby sitter and have a romantic night out-on-town. If we as parents don't demonstrate the romantic side, how are they going to learn?</p>

<p>Let us face it, many of us spent less time in picking our mates than we would spend in buying a car. We never had to go out and 'hunt' and 'fight' for the mate. Our education, the green card and family position, connections enhanced our desirablity index - but, we lacked that skill set. As a reason when our children want to learn those skills we are frightened or think they are meaningless. Actually, we Indians in US are more backward thinking than Indians in India. In India, the society moves on and parents have to move forward (I know that for a fact - six of my youger cousins have found their mates on their own from different religion, different states and even different country). Parents have to 'grow'. Here many of us have a frozen image of India 20-25-30 years ago and many of us haven't learned to move on and adapt. We haven't grown. I often wonder whether the social life we parents are practicing is healthy for our kids, and frankly, I don't know the answer.</p>

22

<p>Simba, thank you so much for responding to our questions. I have a question for you. say you knew your son liked this girl * really * liked her and after talking often on the phone the two are now "dating." How would you react if after dinner he was sitting in his room talking to her, if he wanted to go out with her (not a group, just the two of them) on Fridays? because i feel that most parents are fine talking the talk, but when it comes to walking the talk and accepting that we are very different from what you used to be at our age. I'm really not trying to be agressive, i just wonder where the difference is in what is said, and ultimatly what is done. </p>

<p>As for your other comments i agree and will comment when i have more time. Again i really appreciate your responding</p>

23

<p>I find this so interesting, as I have Indian family ties, and still have a lot to learn about the culture. Some of it I'm too embarrassed to ask, or I feel my relatives wouldn't say it straight out. So Vaish88, I'd appreciate your clarification about what I think I'm hearing.</p>

<p>Are you saying basically that Indian parents here discourage their sons from dating in high school because they intend to eventually arrange their marriage--that is take them back to India and find them a girl? </p>

<p>And when you mentioned being badmouthed to your aunties, were you saying that Indian parents disapprove even of Indian girls brought up in America, because they see them as of less character/morals than an Indian girl raised in India?</p>

<p>Anything else you or others can add about Indian teens' dilemmas of breaking vs maintaining one's Indian cultural ties, in the context of parents, marriage, and dating, etc. is most enlightening to me.</p>

24

<p>Vaish: I honestly can't answer your question, because it is 'hypothetical'. But let me tell you about my S. The girl he had asked for the homecoming was a good friend, they had 'group' relationships. Then once she asked him to go to the mall with her. (That's how my son got the courage to ask her for the dance). However, when they went to the mall, perhaps my son was not as charming. He may be very pleasant in groups, but in one-on-one situations he could be the most boring person. He may not have done things or behaved in ways that are 'expected' in one-to-one situation, and hence the rejection.</p>

<p>Anyway, I belive that once the children reach certain age, we parents think we 'know' them. We know them as sons and daughters and try to hang on to sweet little good old days when they were little. But, as they grow up we really don't 'know' them. I think as they grow older, the kids expect a friend in their parents.</p>

<p>Now as far as dating. You have to realize that most of us grew up thinking life in steps. elementary school-middle school-HS-College-Job-Marriage-Children......To many of us life is nothing but a series of one dimensional step changes, and the Indian scociety provided/developed the infrastructure to make those step changes happen.</p>

<p>It is hard for many of us to understand that life is a continuam and many parallel threads can co-exist.</p>

<p>As far as boys 'standing' up to their parents, I can't say in terms of boy-girl relationship. My son has stood up to me many times for what he wants to do, what ECs he should do or even what should he study - and so far he has always won (and so far I haven't regretted about any of the choices he has made).</p>

<p>One advise I can offer is that when you have dispute with parents, don't throw tantrum on every little things. Pick your battles and reason. Go beyond 'because i want to' to 'why I want to' and don't expect a resolution right then - it may take days or even weeks.</p>

25

<p>lol do what i do..dont tell yo parents ur dating anybody.....theyre retarded, they never do find out if u have amazing friends who have yo back at all times.</p>

26

<p>Okay to respond to the questions/comments</p>

<p>Taramom- most Indian parents, for the most part, discourage dating. Not because they necessarily want to take us back to India to arrange a marriage but because “it is a distraction from school work” When I said that this particular mom badmouthed me, I am not saying that most parents disapprove of Indian girls here-in the end even my guy friend’s moms have accepted that they future daughters-in-law will probably have been brought up here. I guess she in particular is on one end of the spectrum…so I would refrain from generalizing about all the parents because most are usually really nice and open.-except for dating</p>

<p>Simba- Thanks for explaining your son’s situation, and explaining where parents come from. That makes a lot of sense in terms of thinking in one dimension. However what I must point out is that guys will stand up to their parents for a lot of things, school, ec’s ect..but when it comes to dating they are more likely to go behind their backs rather than try to discuss it with their parents and reach an acceptable situation. </p>

<p>Btboxpunk- well I know you can do that. Its not that hard to do. But I have a good relationship with my parents and they are fine with what I do, so I don’t have to do that. But I am concerned that his parents, who know we have something going, will be upset when they do find out, because in my experience you will get caught eventually. And when you are caught, its so much worse if its all hidden…</p>

<p>Thank god my parents are normal about stuff. I mean they obviously aren’t like my white friend’s parents but on the Indian scale they are way liberal.</p>

27

<p>Vaish88: If I read your posts correctly, you think that Indian boys can stand up to their parents for other things but the girls. Let me offer couple of reasons. I am sure there are more:</p>

<p>(1) Perhaps for boys it is not important enough to pick a fight. Chronologically, boys and girls could be of same age (16,17, 18...). However, emotionally the boys may be behind the girls. So emotionally, girls may try to put lot more in to a relationship than a boy.</p>

<p>(2) It is also possible that boys and girls have different standards at home (In India when I was growing up there certainly were double standards. I don't know here. I have only one boy - no girl). With boys the parents may be more linient than with girls so boys never have to 'fight'. Also, it depends on the parents. Recently, my son told him that one of his Indian friend has told all the girls that if they have to call him at home - they should talk like a boy.</p>

<p>What I am trying to tell you is that don't genralize too much about Indian parents, Indian boys or even India. India is a country where cultures and customs of several centuries co-exist. You will find people that are still frozen in medieval times to people that are liberal than liberals here.</p>

<p>BTW does Vaish stand for Vaishali? pretty name.</p>

28

<p>well you can always write a college essay about your hardships</p>

29

<p>I couldn't resist this thread.</p>

<p>I'm in a somewhat unique position -- I am an Indian-American parent (married to an American man, btw). BUT I was in the position of many of you kids twenty years ago -- I grew up here in the US (was born in India, came here as a small child) with parents who were raised in India and came here as adults. This was in the 1970's. So I've seen both sides of this.</p>

<p>My parents were very strict. No dating in HS, period. That was the rule. We (my older sister and I) didn't even attempt to fight it. We did have some "group events," like parties, where boys we knew would attend, but really all quite tame. We had a number of Indian friends who were under the same rules, so it wasn't that big a deal, really. Sounds different than your situation, Vaish, where there seems to be some dating among the Indian kids.</p>

<p>When I went to college, my mother told me it was OK for me to date, but the boy should be Indian (oh, well!). With my younger sister, I think my parents were more lenient, but she also did not date in HS.</p>

<p>My daughter did date in HS and also has in college (she is a sophomore). I have had concerns at times of the type any parent would (e.g., one particular boy I didn't like, another boyfriend who seemed overly clingy, etc). None of her boyfriends have been Indian, which is OK, although it would be OK if they were, too!</p>

<p>On the boy/girl issue, Vaish, that you brought up. I think you are hitting on something I've noticed for a long time. (get ready for some categorization and stereotyping here...) The Indian boys are often overly coddled by their parents, who are convinced their sons are god's gift to the world. The son can do no wrong, so OF COURSE it is the girl's fault if the boy goes out on a date! She must have dragged him into it!!</p>

<p>I think Indian girls here in the US, by and large, are AMAZING -- smart, beautiful, quick, sharp-witted, and ambitious. I think they have the Indian boys beat by a mile. I know parents of Indian girls who PREFER that their daughters marry American boys, because they view the Indian boys as regressive and chauvinistic in comparison.</p>

<p>Your parents sound very level-headed, Vaish. I remember one thing my father once said to several other Indian parents when I was a teenager -- the other parents were bemoaning the "American influences." My father said to them -- "if you wanted them to have no American influences, why the hell did you bring them here?!?? It's not as if they came from India by themselves!!!"</p>

30

<p>Having parents decide who you will marry is as close to slavery as one can get without it actually being slavery. Saying it is a tradition does not excuse such horrible conduct. Every Indian living in America should reject any attempt at an arranged marriage. </p>

<p>If white parents tell their daughter not to date a black male because of his race, we call those white parents racists. If Indian parents (who permit dating) tell their Indian daughter she cannot date anyone other than an Indian boy, why shouldn't those parents also be called racists?</p>

31

<p>bigmain you are confused about what an arranged marriage is. Trust me it is not a slavery.</p>

32

<p>Simba is right. And arranged marriage among Indians in the US, and among many urban, educated Indians in India, is nothing like what some Westerners portray it as -- parents choosing a mate for their child and the child having no choice in the matter.</p>

<p>I also saw Bride and Prejudice recently, and Ashwariya Rai had a great line defending arranged marriage as it exists today -- she said "it's really more like a global dating service." Today, the extent to which a marriage is "arranged" may only be that the parents will seek out potential mates for their child to meet and get to know. The child has the ultimate approval (or veto).</p>

<p>The Washington Post magazine had an article about two years ago on arranged marriages in the Indian community in DC. Several of the young people WANTED and ASKED their parents to "arrange" their marriages -- this consisted mainly of lining up potential partners, and then it was up to the kids. Frankly, I don't think this is that different than what many families do, of all ethnicities.</p>

33

<p>Bigmain -- I don't know if you were responding to my comment that my parents wanted me to date only Indian boys in college. You may not have caught my first sentence -- that my husband is American. And my parents love him!</p>

34

<p>
[quote]
The child has the ultimate approval (or veto).

[/quote]

I don't believe that. All parents will say so, but I don't think that's the majority. Arranged marriage, more usually, is passive acceptance of this "mate" the parents (undoubtedly the girl's parents) choose for their child. Objection is highly unlikely, unless it's the guy who objects.</p>

35

<p>Hmmm….as much as I have tried to avoid getting involved in this topic…I feel the urge to throw in my two cents…no offense to any1.</p>

<p>First, thanks to Vaish, Simba and Rhonda for the insightful discussion. As a matter of introduction, I am an Indian student from India, but the last person from my immediate family left in India. My immediate family pre-dominantly lives in Europe and the U.S. and I have listened, participated and enjoyed the whole dating debate from our family’s living room to family get together parties. Currently, I have equal number of cousins with brown skin and black eyes, as I do with white skin and blue eyes. So now that I have introduced myself, here are my thoughts.</p>

<ul>
<li>India is a country of a billion+ people with billion+ personalities – you can’t generalize 1/6 of world’s population in one category.</li>
<li>There are families (and not only urban, educated, hip crowd) who are very open to the whole concept of dating and encourage their kids partake in that adventure. It is especially very obvious, when anyone were to visit one of the metropolitan cities’ restaurants or gardens.</li>
<li> There are families (and not only rural, uneducated, non-hip crowd) who considers ‘dating’ as a corrupt concept and discourages (read: forbids) their kids to get involved with it.</li>
<li>There are Indians who choose their own significant others (perfect example: 75% of my family)</li>
<li>There are Indians who goes through the whole arrange marriage thing (perfect example: 25% of my family)</li>
<li>There are arranged marriages where the boy/girl has a veto</li>
<li>There are arranged marriages where it is forced on the boy/girl</li>
<li>Statistically, at least in India, it has not been proved about what type of marriage has more success. But from my family’s experience, because of the social pressure, arranged marriage couples tend to be more ‘adjusting’ and have less ‘convictions’ about their partners and has had more success. Similarly, ‘love marriages’ (after dating) tends to bring with it a degree of preconceived notions and expectations resulting in a higher failure rate (my best cousin just finalized his divorce in December after 14 months of marriage with the girl that he had dated for over 7-8 years)</li>
<li>The other thing to remember is that Indians tend to be more family oriented and share a stronger family ties than most people in the Western hemisphere. Due to this, arranged marriage could potentially survive more because of it is considered more as a ‘family responsibility’.</li>
<li>Also, ‘love marriages’ could face suffocation in a joint family system, that a larger % of Indians follow, because it is different to date a person than to actually live with his WHOLE freaking family.</li>
</ul>

<p>I can go on and on, but damn I have a physics board exam tomorrow, so cant do it. All I will say is, arranged marriage or love marriage, its all good. No kid of my generation (boy or a girl, rural or urban) is going to heed to their parents advise of not dating, if they desire to.
Like every culture (don’t want to go in details about many ‘practices’ of other culture that I despise), Indian culture has its own idiosyncrasies, but it is those same habits that unites these billion+ community. At the end of the day, its upon the kids. Build a relationship based on trust and confidence with the parents, and I don’t see why they would not agree with most of the stuff that you’d like. Also, if they don’t, think about it – they are usually more right than wrong.</p>

<p>Vaish, as far as your ex – if he is such a ‘girlie man’ that he cant even have a logical debate/discussion with his parents, it all happened for your best interest – coz think about being married in that kind of a family. </p>

<p>Its all good! The world is fair and at the end of the day…everything happens for the best!</p>

36

<p>mercury, I can't speak for every single Indian, of course, but I can tell you that in my experience, the child has definitely made the ultimate decision. The parents were really like a "pre-screening" of candidates more than anything else. I know one girl (she is a doctor) who provided her parents with a written list of characteristics she wanted in a mate, which she told them to use in selecting people!</p>

<p>And really, I think the Indian girls in the US are MORE likely than the boys to push back against parental pressure, if there is any (see my post above). I think many people have a very outdated idea of what Indian parents here are like. No dating may still be the preferred approach (at least in HS), but I think the days of forcing your kids to marry people is not really the reality here.</p>

37

<p>yay! this tread is finally seeing some action. One thing i should mention that i had forgotten is that my parents had a "love marriage." That is they were introduced by my grandmother but once she knew how close in age they were (11 months) she didnt consider it further, but they went on some "dates" and then...well my dad proposed. but again it was all very clean-no contact till after my dad proposed. This was in India in the 80's. So in that context obviously my parents arent going to make me have an arranged marriage, which isnt even such a bad idea. Its just a way to meet people that you share a lot in common with, and you can persue the relationship if you like. </p>

<p>As for dating Americans, personally while i have lots of close white friends and i have dated an american guy...i feel like there is just so much more of a connection with an Indian boy. </p>

<p>and Simba my name is Vaishnavi, not Vaishali....but its close.</p>

38

<p>actually, it is getting cold. i was hoping to hear from other boys and girls as well.</p>

<p>well let me throw another curve ball. i have heard that teenage drinking amongst indian kids is higher than general population. is it true? why?</p>

<p>few other questions. do you have open relationship with your parents? do you often use the phrase, 'you indian parents wouldn't undestand' to get what you want or blackmail them? do you really want to study what you want or your parents have singificant influence in your career choices? why do most of you want to study medicine?</p>

39

<p>Simba, to answers your questions
a. I dont know about Indian kids in the US, but I would agree that Indian kids in UK drink more than the general population. Also, drinking and drugs is a very wide spread problem in metropolitan cities in India like bombay/pune. </p>

<p>b. I do have a very open relationship with my parents. There is nothing (i repeat, nothing) that i would hesitate to discuss with my parents/sibling. Very recently, i was inducted in our family's 'drinking dudes' which includes my dad, brother, uncles, cousins, etc.</p>

<p>c. I dont even think my parents know which colleges I am applying for. Selection of my major is totally upto me and my parents dont and have never tried to influence my career choice</p>

<p>d. I dont want to study medicine or anything that is even close to medicine.</p>

<p>i dont know what you are trying to derive from these answers, but if it is what i think it is, then let me also make a point that the tremendous freedom given to me by my parents has also brought with it tremendous level of self-responsibilities and trust. And I got to live upto it.</p>

40

<p>
[quote]
Also, drinking and drugs is a very wide spread problem in metropolitan cities in India like bombay/pune.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Ditto for Calcutta ... most of the kids I know have experimented with both and some of them have taken it to a level beyond experimentation. That said, they havent told their parents and I dont want to think about what would happen if their parents did find out especially about stuff like marijuana.</p>