In the case of moving in to a dorm, it is fine if the extended family comes along, as long as one remembers to be respectful of the roommate’s rights and space. For example, having, say 6 members of one’s family in the room while the roommate is trying to move in, is inconsiderate and rude. In this case, perhaps the extended family can take turns (one at a time) to look in the room very briefly and quietly. For all of us to function in a society, we have to share the resources: water; air; land; small dorm rooms; limited move-in time slots.
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This I absolutely agree with. My older daughter had a single her freshman year (and went alone this year), but back in high school when we moved her into her semester school she had a triple. My husband and younger daughter went to lunch and came back to see the room once the roommates were settled in and just before we headed out. My younger daughter has requested a single and if she doesn’t get one we will definitely be mindful of the roommate’s wants/needs.
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Yeah, too much! With my oldest, there was a parent orientation which I did not sign up for. I dropped off and picked up the following day since it was only 1 1/2 hours away. On move in day, dad and younger sibling came along to help out. We set up, run some errands, went out for something to eat all together and left. With my current Junior, I guess it will depend on how far she ends up, mode of transportation and other logistics.
Our oldest started college this past fall, so there was no way to have any kind of family send off. DH and she went out (only 1 parent allowed), she had to run the Covid protocol gauntlet upon arrival and then there was a 2 hr window to get her stuff into her room before DH had to leave. Most of that time was spent building/setting up and then she was on her own in quarantine.
Despite this, she had a great year, loved her classes, her professors, her roommate, etc. etc. etc. She was able to live through this extraordinary year and be wildly successful.
She is also demanding that both DH and I go this year to school drop off (she wanted her sisters as well but they are busy with their own high school sport commitments and can’t take the time). She wants to show us her dorm room, her campus, she wants us to meet some of her professors. She has already told us where we are taking her and some friends out to dinner before we leave, and she is also making noises that she might drag us to her dining hall for a lunch experience (I am trying to pass on that one).
She has already proven she can handle college on her own. She wants to share this experience with us, and when my college age student wants to do family time - I’m going to always say yes. It doesn’t have anything to do with infantilization.
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There is a ton of evidence that over-managing your kids’ lives—including involving yourself in your child’s day-to-day college experience and “snowplowing” the challenges away—is psychologically unhealthy. I don’t tell anyone how to live their lives but I don’t see the harm in discussing that fact here.
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Except what is being discussed on this thread are not instances of “snowplowing.” Not even close.
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In fact .it is. See references to “helicoptering,” etc.
I find this one of the most interesting elements of the whole thread, because of course it depends on family. My situation was probably very common at the time I started college in the early 80s, and less so now. I’m the youngest of large family, so my older siblings who had been to the same university were a lot better positioned to help me get settled in than my mother was.
She must have visited a few times. I honestly can’t remember. I’d take the Greyhound bus to get home. It was about a 4 hour trip depending on whether it was an express or not.
We weren’t a family that took big trips together. Or that may simply be my perspective as the youngest. More of that probably happened when I was very young. I was certainly not “thrown to the wolves.” I mean, for one thing, I wasn’t the one paying for tuition or board.
I am the father of a smaller family with two kids, the oldest about to start college. We haven’t figured out how we’ll do it, but I would prefer us all to make the trip together. After this pandemic, I am looking for just about any excuse for a trip.
Families that are closer are going to find some of this more important than I do or my son does. I get the feeling that he really wants his space and has been establishing it already as a teen. He might not care if we’re there at all (unless he needs something) so in a sense it’s for us more than him.
The main thing is just to get out of the way when he’s doing “college stuff.” How hard can that be? Most of us already got that message from our kids’ coaches if they did any sports, right?
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This made me smile. It’s so human nature and we see it in high school with parenting too. “My” way is right and anyone else’s way that differs is wrong.
In reality, most kids grow up just fine. Most win the birth lottery at least to some extent (love, food, shelter, etc). Some really lose (we feel for them).
For those who go to college one can stick them out on the road to wait for the bus to take them to the train station or enjoy a trip together with the whole family for send off (or anything in between). It’s “right” if it fits the student. It’s wrong if it doesn’t. Know your student. Don’t assume your student is a “mini-me” because they often aren’t. Know them. Ask them. We can do X, Y, or Z. Do you have a preference?
Assuming only one way is correct would be similar to assuming every student should major in X to become Y. While they technically could start that way, and many might be able to finish that way, it’s certainly not as ideal as everyone finding their niche and excelling at it.
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Agree 100%!
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This comes from the parents, not the children. College freshmen/transfers are more than willing to make the move with as little parental involvement as possible. I know a lot of other parents who want to do better than their own folks, which in their mind means more involvement with their children’s lives, at the cost of being viewed as overstepping. Some kids also find the extra emotional support comforting, so while I personally don’t understand it, I’m not going to take that away from the parents and students that want/need it.
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I don’t think driving your kid to college and helping them move in, is helicopter parenting at all. It’s just helping get them there and help them move all their stuff in. My parents came with me in the olden days to help…and believe me, having my dad carry all the heavy stuff up the stairs was very helpful. Plus, how many parents come over and help out when the grandchildren are brand new? Is that helicopter parenting? What about paying for the wedding?
All this stuff is normal family involvement…
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Yes, but driving your kids to college and helping them move in, is not an example of that. We stayed in a hotel after we moved our D in. That was so we didn’t have to drive 8 hours home in the same day…We left the next day.
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True. But when I moved both my kids in…no one seemed to have their entire extended family there. Maybe a sibling or two, but mostly it was mom and dad. Or just mom or dad, because one parent couldn’t come. My D’s roommate came with mom and aunt, since her younger brother had a sports tournament and dad needed to stay home to take him to that. Lots of situations. But I’ve never seen people with their entire extended family…guess it does happen.
D’s best friend went along to move her older sister in. It was her, her sister, and mom and dad. My co worker has a younger son who is autistic, so mom will stay home with the younger son while dad moves in their older son. I have another co worker who has 5 kids: with each kid it was mom, dad, and one other sibling. The other kids stayed with friends. Really does vary. Heck with my D her dad and uncle helped her move in junior year. I had to stay behind for a work commitment.
That was Gerald Ford in 1974: Whip inflation now - Wikipedia
That is correct - thanks for helping me relive the bad memory. How stupid was all that, given the supply shock caused by the 1973-74 oil embargo. Unfortunately, no economic policy should be looked at in a vacuum, and monetizing our national debt throughout the '70’s led to ridiculous inflation rates by 1980 (courtesy of Arthur Burns). It was deliberate but many didn’t realize that.
I was too young to remember “WIN”, but I do remember watching an “All in the Family” with Mike Stevic just slamming the WIN buttons. Reading the Wikipedia page about WIN, apparently you could mail a form to Gerald Ford promising to be a “soldier on the war on inflation” and get one of these buttons…
Sorry, I went off big time on a tangent (SuperMods: I shall refrain!)
Coming back to the OP topic, I think each family does it their own way. I do agree that giving independence to our kids is important, but it is a momentous event for some families. And what the heck, it’s sometimes easier to carry boxes when you have your family to help carry them! I wouldn’t call it “infantilizing”.
And for those that say to just let the kid go, that’s cool too.
Hopefully, all of these decisions are made in the particular circumstances of that particular child.
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A student going to college is a huge rite of passage for all family members. It’s a big deal. It’s not just about the student. Things will never be the same, even if the student does come home to visit or live at home again at some future date. Everyone’s life will change on a fundamental level. And for some families, the student may be the first ever to attend college.
We don’t send our children alone to graduation ceremonies. Likewise, I think it’s natural for many of us to go to celebrate and usher in the new life of the college freshman. And for those of us who may secretly grieve a little or a lot over the empty nest, seeing the actual transition…seeing our children in the dorm room, seeing the tangible reality, helps to process the fact that our children are moving away and becoming their adult selves. It’s not infantalizing…it’s a way to help the letting go.
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All of this transitioning and letting go and rite of passaging is great. But be mindful that your kid is moving into a shoebox of a room, likely with a roommate or two, and the other family (or families) are ALSO letting go and transitioning. For the most part, we observed families who were courteous and sensitive-- but there were always one or two families in the dorm who showed up with multiple family members, hogged the common areas, stairwells, elevators, unloading spots, etc. One of my kids showed up at the appointed time to discover the entire closet (supposed to be a shared space) was filled with the roommates stuff- tricked out with closet organizers and bins and baskets, so no way to just shove some stuff aside to make room. The shared bookcase- filled with stuff. And the only usable floor space was taken up by a fridge and a lounge chair.
How lovely for the family who “beat the traffic” and had multiple family members unpack, do a Walmart run, etc. And for us who showed up at check in time (multiple emails to that effect) and arrived to find that there was no room for the other rent paying occupant of the room?
Just be considerate. Do YOU want to have to make your kids bed with someone else’s younger siblings already jumping on it and laying claim to every square inch of common space?
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I definitely agree with @blossom that there are families that aren’t considerate at move-in time, and will do their best to hog common space. I don’t think that is due to infantilization of students. I think those families are just inconsiderate space hogs, and unfortunately that isn’t something that everyone “grows up and out of”.
I’ve encountered those people on my vacations, at the grocery store, post office, you name it - they are there. It doesn’t have anything to do with college or students or move-in. It is selfishness and lack of consideration.
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