I constantly wonder that too!
We are on CC because we have nothing to do since we don’t micromanage our kids. 
I help my kid move in - I don’t decorate their room. In conversation, DC will tell me what classes they are taking - I don’t choose the classes. I don’t call the school or ask on the FB page questions about X - my kid knows the answer (or finds it for me).
I am involved with DC, but do not live their life for them, or mine through theirs.
(But I get different kids have different needs and different levels of need. And come to think of it…so do we parents!)
It’s not even about need. That’s what some do not understand. Families have different relationship dynamics which account for a lot of what is being called infantilism. My DD doesn’t NEED my help for anything. But she likes my input and just sharing with me. The kid was traveling the world on her own solo as a teenager. Nonetheless, we enjoyed planning and decorating her rooms together. She likes to share course selection with me and what X senior said about Y prof who teaches Z course. Lots of families are like ours - very close. Lots are not. Different strokes for different folks. I will say, however, that she has many friends who are not close with their parents - they have “hands off parents” - who are envious of our relationship. So hands off is great for some but sometimes even though the student is independent, they would prefer having more hands-on parents and the parents don’t realize it.
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I could have written your post for one of my guys if I had changed daughter to son in your sentences. He travels the world on his own (and has for over a decade now), but still loves to share a ton of things with us - as well as get our opinions about things and offer his. He’s told us he has several friends who are envious of his relationship with us - even though they have more money and “things.” He’s even brought some here to stay with us on college vacations.
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Well said! I’ve seen the same thing with kids I know who have hands-off parents and in some cases I’ve seen instances where the parents should’ve been more involved.
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so true!
I think there’s a difference between close/hands-on and doing for. Does my DD ask for my opinion or even help explaining how to do something new, yes; do I check her email and contact her profs and advisors, no.
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To me there is giving advice and then there is doing things for the kids. I see stuff on my student’s parent FB group like parents calling the school for this or that. Or better yet doing a lot of information gathering for kids that the kids could easily found themselves.
My D19 came home at Thanksgiving frosh year and announced that she was changing rooms for second semester, but she had already set it all up with the university. It was a done deal. Now we had known about roommate issues and counseled her it and gave advice, but she did the legwork.
My main goal with my kids has always been not to have to do things for them and have them handle things themselves. Don’t get me wrong I am involved. I know their grades. I know they are on a good path with a good plan. But they have to work the plan.
March’20 when Covid hit and kids were being sent home. She needed to find a place to store stuff. I wasn’t going to call around her town and find a storage facility. She needed to do it.
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There is nothing wrong with making storage arrangements for your student. I don’t get this whole “helping our children ends at 18” attitude some have. I’m middle-aged and my mom still helps all of her adult kids out as she is able. Us as siblings help each other out when requested. That’s what families do. So if I can make storage arrangements for my D - it helps her out and after all, I’m paying for it - I’m going to do it. There are no bragging rights for those who refuse to do those things. I really don’t get it. Sometimes I just chalk it up to cultural differences. My family immigrated to this country and we do a lot of things differently than some, I’ve noted. Parents help adult kids until they are no longer able and adult kids help and take care of their parents when the parents can no longer take care of themselves.
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I think for me, for something like that, it comes down to who’s busier and/or who’s more knowledgeable. If S is in the middle of finals or is swamped with work, and after 5pm I’ve got nothing but reading and TV watching to do, I’m happy to do it. If he’s lounging by the pool all day and I’m working overtime not so much. And if he knows that all his friends are doing X, then he’d be more likely to do it vs me.
I think in general it’s about knowing your kid
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So back to my point: why do you care what they do? What does that have to do with you? I cannot imagine any reason to keep pointing out what other families do.
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I know the question wasn’t directed at me, but I have a simple answer. I don’t really care or judge this kind of thing, but I still find it interesting to talk about. I get an exposure to different styles of parenting and may even be persuaded to reconsider my assumptions. Honestly, whatever works is fine, assuming it doesn’t intrude on anyone else, such as one family taking over a shared dorm room. The rest is totally a question of individual dynamics.
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Same with us. If my kids are super busy and I’m not, I don’t mind offering to help. If they don’t want my help they can say that.
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I’m interested in what other families do because helping teenagers become adults is my life’s work. I see patterns that are causing harm to young people, and I am often needed to help pick up the pieces. Most kids won’t become my clients, but I do care whether their families and institutions are helping them make it to independence.
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Good to see you, Hanna!
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You said it so much better than I did! You share in your child’s life. You do things
together. You provide input. You don’t run their life/make their decisions.
The point is most of the examples being given don’t rise to the level of infantalizing kids at all. Booking storage? Helping with move in? Come on. Few parents actually are over the top or infantalize their kids. On the FB page for my D’s school, this becomes an issue quite regularly because those who don’t help and are hands-off try to guilt trip those who have a more hands on parenting style. So what a parent is asking for recommendations to give their kids for something? This post reads just like those. The real over the top parents are those calling profs and admin. But they are not well represented and has not been the focus of this thread. .
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And I’ll also note that parents calling professors to complain to professors has been happening since professors first got phones in their offices, and before that it happened by letter (and, in dire cases, by telegram).
Not only is a lot of the tone of this thread often painfully judgmental, it also betrays a problematically rose-colored (and utterly false!) view of the past.
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That sure wasn’t my past! 
(And because parents contacted professors back then doesn’t make it ok to do now - it was wrong then and wrong now.)
But it can be a delicate balance. I have witnessed a number of kids that are woefully unprepared for life - some have helicopter parents and others don’t have any guidance at all.
And it is hard to know what they will “get” or “not get”. Just because I got something at that age or not, doesn’t mean they will or won’t. So sometimes I will give my kids “tips” and they look at me like I am an idiot and say “I know that”. Sometimes you think things are obvious, but teens were eating Tide Pods after all…
When my parents came to my college graduation they were making small talk with the couple sitting next to them before the ceremony and the couple said they were there to see if their kid was actually graduating. They didn’t seem to care much either way…
I also worked with someone who went to boarding school for most of their life and was essentially raised by a nanny. They said they pretty much only saw their parent’s money. They didn’t know their parents were at their graduation until they saw them after.
I know that’s an extreme example, but I don’t like that notion of just being so out of touch with your kid’s lives. My parents didn’t pay my tuition, but they still knew when I was graduating and how college was going…