I see it the other way as well, if mom knows she is miserable, I think mom can judge if it just isn’t a good fit and it will be a long term problem versus just adjusting. This student has been away before she said, and has sibling experiences to base perspective on, this isn’t the kid who goes off to college as a wide eyed innocent. Some kids start miserable and it doesn’t get better (thus many transfers each year). I would call the instate school and as said, “situation has changed” and see if option is still open. I was surprised to hear from several schools just two weeks before start of school year still trying to get mine to change mind/un-commit and attend their school. Maintaining freshman status is key to merit money so ask current school if withdrawing now would erase her being there. Again, just say family situation has changed, less is more in these situations, they don’t need to know your personal stuff no matter what it is. However, you need to be careful you don’t end up with a gap year on your hands if you don’t want that. I believe all this can be answered in a day of phone calls.
I can’t relate to her worrying about what other people think, what others think doesn’t come into play in these situations, these blossoming adults need to know that.
Lastly, you just need to take a step back and be sure you aren’t trying to “save her” cause it is hurting you to see her hurting, the normal momma bear reaction versus it being a true problem that needs your intervention.
Unless you are made of money and want to encourage a knee-jerk reaction you may all regret, it’s probably best to keep leaving or transferring out OFF the table for the time being. Not meaning to sound harsh, but your daughter is but one of thousands of freshman who are feeling this way. Be firm about sticking it out, because any cracks in your resolve will distract your daughter from figuring this out for herself. This is her grown-up job now, she needs to figure it out. And, she will! Way back when, I was certain I wanted to transfer until well into my second semester! But I stuck it out and I’m so glad I did. She will feel more adult, mature, and accomplished when she makes this work, than she will if she bolts at the first rough spots. Good luck to you and to her.
I would call the in-state to get the facts so nobody stews over a possibility that might not actually be there. I would also find out how much you would be on the hook at her current school and what the drop-dead date is. Then you can make the cost/benefit analysis. Some kids adjust and “bloom where planted” and sometimes it really isn’t a good situation. I have a friend whose daughter had a first year like that which culminated in serious depression. She is a wonderful, smart girl who just landed herself in the wrong place for her socially. She transferred out to the other school that she had previously declined and is just thriving (will graduate this spring). The new school was willing to honor the scholarship that they’d offered her as a freshman. However, a private school will have much more latitude RE scholarship matching.
To me it would be worth getting the facts TODAY so that you know what you’re dealing with.
^^^ Which doesn’t mean that she won’t settle in, but at least you’d be dealing with facts where possible. What size school is this? Both my kids’ schools has a gazillion ice breaker activities and freshman retreat type things. It surprises me that there weren’t at least floor activities. Would the in-state be any better in this regard, or would she just know people from HS? It seems like arriving late at a large university would also present its own challenges not that different that what she is facing (unless it is a quarter based school that hasn’t started yet).
Do you really think the in-state would be a better fit for a sincere non-partier (thinking this might be a big State U that would also be challenging to find her people there)? My son had a hard time at first at a nearby flagship state U, because he wasn’t into the sports scene or frat scene. Or just because it is closer to home? As others have said, it is REALLY early. Can she talk to her RA? I would advise her to seek out the other girls that look alone. She can’t be the only one. I would also (if I could afford it), fly out to visit her and see what is really going on.
It is hard to parent an adult child, especially from afar. She may be letting you in on more of the misery, but be OK otherwise, she may find a friend and be happy by next week, or she may end up really unhappy. Know that MOST (but not all) kids that go through this end up loving their schools. Hugs to all.
That being said, I do know a kid that decided by November of freshman year that she had made a mistake and transferred to a private that had accepted her and which honored her scholarship. Much better fit (she was a northern girl going to a very Southern school). But I know others who swore they hated their school and were going to transfer and then by second semester were so happy and never looked back.
Can you call the school and ask what help is available for your daughter? She is probably too upset to ask for help, and she may expect that any request for help will be met with a reaction similar to the jerk professor’s.
I think most schools do have some support for students who are struggling.
One of my nieces had a similar start to college. Her parents said she had to stick it out one semester then she could transfer to another college or return home. They actually had no intention of allowing her to do either, but it turned out to be a non-issue because by the end of the semester she had found her stride.
I haven’t heard from her yet today. I’m really hoping she feels some sense of hope that things will get better. The alternative plan would be commuting to big in-state U, or attending smaller state college with big merit aid where she could afford to live on campus. The private school she is presently at is around 3500 students. There were surprisingly few small group activities during the first week, just one floor meeting in the dorm.
As for the professor’s comment, that really frosts my cookies. It also illustrates why students put up with abuse like that, she’s so afraid of him now, but doesn’t want to ruin her grade. I know it’s a valuable life lesson, there are jerks in this world who will not be on your side, but ouch, not cool.
What types of interests does your daughter have? Sports, academic, hobbies, drama, music? Volunteering is another way to plug into a group. Serving alongside others in a group project is a great way to mingle with others. You can help her by digging into her school’s website and finding activities/groups that are meeting around campus. (Yes, she should be doing this for herself, but what’s a mom to do when your child is shutting down and you can’t reach out to give her a physical hug?)
I joined several Facebook groups associated with my D’s school so I knew about some of their activities. I didn’t misrepresent myself as a college student, but just joined some of the larger groups like “athletics” and the Main college group.
It just takes connecting with one other like-minded person on campus to turn your D’s situation around. Send her a care package of cookies she can share with others in her dorm hall and meet other students. Encourage her to study in a commons room (that’s how my D met a good friend who she is rooming with this year.) If she can put herself out there and not just hole up in her room, she can multiply her chances of making contact with friendly students.
I feel for you, OP. I have a freshman far away and I am worried about him as well. He isn’t complaining, but I can see from here the challenges he is facing/will face. He made a good college choice, but not the one I would have made for him.
I agree to research what would be required if she switches schools. Know what your options are. Then sit on that information and let her give this her best shot. Offer advice, be her sounding board.
I think a lot of kids go in expecting a perfect college experience, like what they see on TV or in the movies. It isn’t like that. Often there is a honeymoon period and then the homesickness sets in.
I went far away to school, too. There were some hard times at first. I didn’t know anyone. I was very smart, but not as academically prepared as my peers. I didn’t have the financial resources they did.
Meant to add: college was the first of many lonely experiences in new places for me. I am not super out going, pretty self sufficient, but do want to have a few friends. Each time was hard, but each time was also easier than the previous one. As her mom, you can see the big picture and know that this is a difficult but necessary experience.
Thank you all for the understanding comments. She was very active in extracurricular activities in high school, but I’m sensing a lack of confidence in her right now which is keeping her down. She’s not athletic in terms of team sports but she does like to run, but not competitively. I think she’s been completely surprised by how difficult this start has been and she’s upset at herself for that. She has always seen herself as independent. Most of her friends stayed instate for college.
I normally would agree to give it more time, but it seems it would not be financially feasible to transfer later. She would be losing the freshman status and scholarships at either school, correct?
So yes I agree with calling current school and finding out add/drop date and refund policies.
And then calling school 2 and finding out if scholarship would still be available and if she could start this semester.
And if it comes to that tell D not to worry about what to tell others. She can just tell them she wanted to be closer to home.
While you explore college options try to support her and guide her.
Is she naturally sociable? Encourage her to introduce herself to others students and to seek out clubs she has an interest in. The first month of school is a time when all students are establishing new relationships and are much more open to meeting new people.
She should participate in as many activities, clubs, sports, etc. as possible and try to build up a broad group of friends. There will be time to prune it back some later as she sorts out the friends she fits in best with. The key is to not become overly reliant on only one or two other students early on. It is harder to make new friends later in the school year.
Different schools have different policies regarding applying as a freshman and when you can transfer, so it’s best to find out the policies of the particular schools you’re interested in.
For example, the UC’s will only accept Junior transfers. So if your daughter finished a quarter she’d be ineligible to transfer to a UC. I think that’s a more restrictive policy than many schools on transfers, though.
If your daughter drops out before getting any final grades, then she can simply claim a “gap year” and apply the following year as a freshman.
I would encourage your daughter to join some clubs and try to get out of her social comfort zone. It’s tough, but now’s the time for her to be asking random people in her dorm to go grab dinner or lunch or whatever. Everybody should be new (assuming there’s not a huge number of in-state kids). Give it a few weeks and see how it goes. The risk of course is that the amount of tuition you’ll be refunded if she does drop out goes down rapidly as the year advances. But the best thing to do is adopt a wait and see approach for now.
Also have your daughter make an appointment with a counselor/psychiatrist at the school’s health center. It will give you some peace of mind to have a professional watching out for her.
Is there an undergraduate dean, or freshman dean or dean of student life? Maybe your daughter can make an appointment with them to talk about resources and whether the school really is a good fit.
With her permission I called the freshman dean this afternoon. He said he would call her and have her come in to see him but apparently he didn’t call her. I just don’t have a good feeling about her sticking this out. All of the suggestions make a lot of sense but she’s just crying too much to follow through. I don’t see how she could do well enough to have any credits to transfer after a semester if she’s in the place she is now emotionally. I just never saw this coming.
@electronblue sending good thoughts for you and your daughter. I’m angry just reading about the nasty professor and unkind roommates. Good luck with getting things to work out for her, either finding support at her current school or exploring the transfer possibilities.
A lot of smaller schools like your daughter’s college will have club sports which often don’t make cuts and are more fun, less competitive, and can be super social. I’m thinking things like ultimate frisbee. See if you can get her to join something like that. Great way to meet some people in a social context and the exercise is good for the endorphins.
Sorry that you and your daughter are in such place. It sucks
My daughter went to her choice college few years ago, was very excited. Miserable and overwhelmed from the beginning (roommate issues, poor advising, loneliness). We tried to be supportive, the last thing I wanted was to be overprotective of my poor darling. She had some wonderful RAs, but there is only so much they can do .Counselor suggested long walks at the arboretum when she was overwhelmed, besides the usual (reach out, join club etc). The room situation became a power struggle between housing manager and counselor, nothing was done but I don’t think it would have mattered. She lasted six weeks and I am glad she left> had an opportunity to seriously work on her issues, and went elsewhere the following year.
We did not have financial issues, and for that I am very grateful, it made it easier, although my daughter felt like a failure for a while
The CC community is giving you a lot of practical advices. Mine, as a mother, is to trust your feelings because you know your daughter better than any of us
I wish you the best