Just as a heads up, when professors notice students’ red eyes, they don’t think “s/he’s been crying”. They think “has been up all night/doing drugs”. So in his mind the professor likely wasn’t being a jerk to a crying girl, but being a jerk to a kid who, if they don’t shape up quickly, will drop out. Your daughter going to office hours with her homework completed and a few questions on the readings/lectures, plus sharing how hard it is for her to be away, would likely dispell that notion quickly and he’d likely no longer be a jerk. You can always try.
Can you call the Dean again and say that you’re thinking of withdrawing her by Saturday due to the bad roommate situation + lack of support? This should get them moving since I doubt the college would like to refund you tuition.
Is your daughter willing to go to Counselling? They, too, could have a say in the fact the bad roommate situation makes things worse for her and she MUST be moved ASAP. This way, you avoid the RA/housing power struggle: the moment either one of them will understand there are liability issues to leaving your daughter in that room, she’ll be moved quickly.
No, the professor mentioned her red eyes and knew she had been crying, something along the lines of “oh do we have someone feeling homesick” so he knew the red eyes were from crying not from doing drugs. She emailed the counseling center for an appointment, waiting to hear back. I called the dean and he emailed her, hoping she can get to see him today. If she pulls the plug tomorrow we can get 90% back.
UGH I can’t believe that prof then. (My explanation was a genuine one. Seriously.)
Did you mention this to the Dean, too?
And how did the Dean react to the fact she could withdraw if a solution with housing and with counseling isn’t found?
(I believe that having a better housing situation would help by moving her away from those negative first days and roommates that she is in no position to work on getting along with.)
If you and she decide to withdraw, rather than having her enroll at the state school and commute, take a deep breath and consider this a gift for a gap year to mature, work, volunteer, etc. This way she can reapply to other schools (including the ones where she got scholarships) as a freshman, but with a surer purpose and more self confidence.
Sorry your D is going through this. Breaks my heart. You say she is normally pretty social, but perhaps it was easier in before because she went to school with many of the same kids year after year. Now your D is in a position where she has to learn new social skills and how to network and make friends with strangers. I would encourage her to smile more and at as many people as she can during the day, greet people in class and try to sit with someone at meal times. Find out is anyone wants to get together to study in the library. Get out of her room and study in the common area or library. Have he make a goal of initiating a conversation with 3 or 4 people each day. Believe me, as an introvert I know how hard these things are to do. But, it can’t make things worse and that other person sitting alone is probably in a similar spot as your D. Best of luck to your D and I hope she is able to turn things around.
I am so sorry this is happening to your daughter! I also cannot believe that an instructor could be so callous and insensitive. I’m sure your daughter felt like sinking into the floor and got absolutely nothing out of the class after that.
I say go with your gut. You know your daughter the best. Our D2 left her first school after 1 semester, although it was more a matter of feeling that the academics were a poor fit. Still, she really did feel as if she were a failure and a disappointment. While it was a rough year for her, she eventually ended up in a program that was perfect for her and it all turned out for the best. Reassure your daughter that even though right now this feels like the worst thing that has ever happened to her, she will look back in a few years and see that it didn’t affect where she ends up. Be there to support her and love her and listen to her.
I understand all the opinions out there but I’ve got to say, based on your description of her, I would bring her home. If she were a kid who wasn’t social, had had trouble making friends or hadn’t been away from home much, I might try a little longer but these kids make calls on a vacuum. In my opinion, there can be more of a difference between schools for B+ students than elite. Why? Because Harvard, Cornell, Stanford, Middlebury and Pomona are all pulling from the same pool of kids and professors. So while they may have different feels and strengths, they share basic values. Schools for students at the B+ level are more likely to be regional and reflect regional culture and values. One example I know was an interracial kid from a diverse northeast and high school went to school at a flagship in the southwest; that kid had culture shock and found lots of kids who already knew each other from high school. That kid stuck it out for a year and transferred to a much more competitive university near home-- and actually earned better grades because the student was more comfortable.
Between the nasty professor’s comments (would LOVE to see his Rate My Professor page!) and the dropped ball by the Dean’s office, I don’t have the best feeling about this school. I do hope you find out what your options are with regard to the state school scholarship before she starts classes.
I think the overwhelming feeling is of being so out of step culturally. The school is in the midwest, we’re from the northeast. She had visited overnight but I guess she didn’t pick up on it in her excitement of visiting schools. She says she doesn’t feel like herself there, ordinarily she has good initiative and social skills. I told her no matter what I want her to see a therapist whether she stays or comes home. She has an appointment there later this week.
I’m pretty sure she should come home at this point. I’m just so shocked at all of this, just did not see it coming.
Between the professor and the lack of response (or slowness) from the administration as well as the social misfit, I don’t get good vibes from this college. I’ve met some callous professors in my day (one undergraduate school and two graduate programs and currently working in another academic department) and your daughter’s professor is among the worst. Maybe not the worst but he’s very close to the bottom of the heap.
Go with your gut, which seems to say, this isn’t a good place for your daughter. Let her know it’s not her, it’s the school. No professor should treat a new student that way and no administrator should assure a parent that s/he will contact a troubled student and fail to follow through on that. I like the gift of time. I would hate to throw her into another new situation so quickly even if you could switch with a promised merit aid award.
Can she transfer to a different dorm? In the nonfiction book “Paying for the Party,” the sociologists talk about a few women who were miserable in the party dorm.
State very clearly to the Dean that she must be moved to another floor/dorm. Also, check the rules for switching classes - it’s unlikely this professor teaches the exact same class every semester at the same time with no alternative offered. She should drop this class and take another one (using ratemyprofessor to have someone with a 4+ rating!) You can help her by calling the Dean about the housing situation and by working with her through the schedule and ratemyprofessor to find a class she can take. At this point, you shouldn’t even think of requirements, because pretty much anything a freshman takes “counts” one way or another.
Midwestern schools tend to be more laid back than Northeastern ones and people in the Midwest are generally quite friendly, so I’m very surprised - the “normal” experience is what your daughter must have experienced when she visited, and the nightmare she’s stuck in right now shouldn’t be the “norm”, but no matter what, make sure the Dean knows that she may be gone by Saturday.
@electronblue “I think the overwhelming feeling is of being so out of step culturally.”
I keep thinking that if she is a sociable kid, there have to be similar kids there. It must be just a matter of finding them. I would hate to pull the plug so fast. It is odd that the college is putting an immediate time constraint on the refund. That does complicate things.
I am also a bit perplexed that the school does not seem to have a plan to address this. I would think that any college knows that they are going to get some calls from parents, or have kids coming in homesick, or because they haven’t made any friends, or the roommate is a terrible fit. You would think that they would have a plan and the resources in place to help those kids settle in. I mean, how hard is it to have a gregarious upperclassman meet with her, support her, guide her, and help her find her peeps. They really seem to be dropping the ball on this.
I think she’s just completely lost confidence so the good suggestions of reaching out to other kids, joining clubs, reaching out to others is something she may not be capable of at the moment. She described walking across campus in tears back to her dorm and no one asking her if she was okay. I get that people either don’t know what to say, don’t want to get involved, but she needs someone to reach out to her right now. The junior resident staff are “nice” but not particularly helpful.
The professor in question is a required class for the program she is in, he’s unavoidable unless she drops the program which right now is something that other than the professor would be a positive.
Midwestern schools tend to be more laid back than Northeastern ones and people in the Midwest
are generally quite friendly
[/QUOTE]
Well, yes, but they’re friendly in a reserved sort of way, if that makes any sense, less likely to ask personal questions because they think it would be rude to, which can feel like indifference or lack of interest, though it’s not. (New Englander who has spent thirty years in the midwest here) It’s really very different.
Concurring with others that the professor’s behavior is inexcusable, and that maybe you and your daughter are right that this isn’t the place for her.
“I think she’s just completely lost confidence so the good suggestions of reaching out to other kids, joining clubs, reaching out to others is something she may not be capable of at the moment.”
Yes, I understand that right now she needs support. I do not understand why the administration is not getting someone to do that right away. Did you tell the Dean you are thinking of pulling the plug? You would think that would have gotten someone over there. There should be an RA on her floor or a Graduate Advisor in the building that handle these types of things. Where are they?
“Less likely to ask personal questions because they think it would be rude to”
^This is correct. I don’t think that they don’t care, but they probably think that if they ask her what is wrong, she will say, “None of your business!” lol Just a cultural thing.