<p>Heartbroken,
First of all, a <em>hug</em>, Secondly, I was in the same situation as your D. last year. I called and cried alot to my parents and at every break said " I can’t go back", Second semester was increadibly hard. I also made the decision during winter break, to fill out transfer applications. After having experinced college and having a lot of my unknowns answered, I knew more was I was looking for in a school and what i was not,. and will be starting at a new school in August. Maybe ask your D. to make a list of what she likes and do not like about her current school and what she would be looking for in a new school. Maybe look at some schools near home also. Also know that even if she does the transfer process, she can still go back to her school. A lot of people do.
Good luck</p>
<p>College years for some reason are filled with mood disorders. I guess the mental growing pains occur then. It’s so hard to know when it is the environment and not the person who is having the problems. A semester off might be the answer. I know kids who did that at my school. Some of them took a semester at another school that may have interested them. Some worked or did some service or traveling during that time. The break seemed to have helped. You can suggest that to your D. Better to take the leave with planning than to wait for a crisis to occur mid year and have to take it under duress. Even if your D chooses not to do this, at least she has the option there so that she does not feel so stuck.</p>
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<p>That’s something to discuss right there. Have you explained that life is a journey, and the ride needs to be enjoyed rather than just waiting to have a good time at some destination? It’s not that anyone can expect to have a completely smooth ride with no bumps, but that if the ride is making her want to vomit, maybe it’s one she shouldn’t get on again anytime soon, till she’s had more time to digest, so to speak. Some people who get too caught up in either the past or the future get dangerously depressed, so try to help her keep her focus on living in the moment, while also keeping in mind she hopefully has a long future.</p>
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<p>And have you asked what she meant by that? I am not sure if she meant “If I go back, I might take my life within a few weeks” or “If I go back, I think I’ll be so miserable within a few weeks that I’ll drop out of school, so I might be better off not signing up for this semester.” Be sure you know as best you can through open discussion with her where her mind is here. Most children won’t come right out and say if they are contemplating suicide (though quite a few do, and those are actually perhaps the ones more likely to not do it because they have at least the ability to be open about their worst thoughts and fears, though they obviously often do commit suicide and so such comments should always be seriously addressed), and hopefully your daughter’s mind isn’t on ending her life so much as something else, but find out what she meant by that, if you aren’t positive you already know.</p>
<p>I haven’t read all the other responses yet, but skimmed through quickly and caught someone suggesting exercise. I’ll also throw out the suggestion of volunteer work. I think it cheers a person up to see they are helping others (far more than straight A’s cheers a person up, usually). And they also might feel the need to stick around (as in not exit on life, not as in not exit school) if they feel someone they are helping will miss them/their help. Does your daughter feel <em>needed</em> by people? This isn’t the same thing as feeling loved by people (which also helps, but to me isn’t as important in mental health, to be honest). Does she feel any purpose for being alive (even if it is just to enjoy life, that can be enough, but if she is unable to feel any purpose, that’s another concern)?</p>
<p>Given that she is a straight A student, does she feel compelled to always get A’s and/or fear getting anything less than an A? I dated a graduate student when I was in college who I thought was suicidal from our first date (which was three weeks before he took his life by stealing cyanide from his lab and poisoning himself at his parents’ home when they were out one night) and I only went to my brother (who was in medical school at the time and had been close friends with the guy for five years) with my concern about him, especially on the night when the guy didn’t come to my Valentine’s party as he was feeling he had to stay at the graduate library and study all day and night that day. He kept calling all day saying he was hoping he could make it, but then called during the party to say he was sorry, but he just didn’t feel he could break away from his studying (and the party was only 7 miles from campus and he should be eating anyway, so it’s not like it should have taken that much time away, plus it was a Saturday night and frankly, I worry about anyone who puts studying ahead of seeing someone they are dating on a Saturday night). He then asked to speak with my brother. After my brother hung up, I asked, “What did Charlie say?”</p>
<p>My brother flipped and said, “Look, just because you are dating him now doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends. He was just calling to say hello!”</p>
<p>I responded, “I actually think he just told you good-bye. I hope I’m wrong.”</p>
<p>My brother said, “You know what your problem is - you don’t know what being a serious student is!” Mind you, I graduated with honors and was an officer in my honors organization for my major, but he was right, I was far more into having fun than being a serious student.</p>
<p>Anyway, the guy took his life the following Tuesday night, and even with my gut knowing the guy was a ticking time bomb, I never called his family (I could have looked them up), I never asked him if he was thinking of killing himself (felt we had only been dating for three weeks and thus it wasn’t quite my place to pose such a personal question yet), etc. I regret all that now, needless to say, though I also don’t blame myself for his death (as my father might think I should, based on comments he made after the guy died). I was young and naive with only a good gut for things amiss going for me. We will never know why he took his life (his note on the door only gave instructions to not enter without professional care or something as it would be dangerous, on account of the poison still being in the room), but my guess is he was headed for a B and couldn’t handle the idea of getting a B. So be (no pun intended) sure your daughter knows if she doesn’t always get A’s in college, it’s not a big deal. “B” stands for the sarcastic “big deal” and not the serious one.</p>
<p>One thing I urge all parents to do is note to their children that if ever they were to die, by any means, it would be devastating to the parents (saying the parents really feel this way; I know our child’s death would be devastating to me and my husband). I think all too often some people feel they are a burden to others, parents included, and people would be better off if they died, no matter that their feelings are completely off. I also think it’s important to teach children that suicide is an incredibly selfish and inconsiderate act, as while it would end their pain (saying they don’t believe they’d go to hell for it; I dated another graduate student who told me he would kill himself if he didn’t believe he’d go to hell if he did and he’d rather live a hell of 70-so years than live his current hell for all eternity), it would pain so many others ever so deeply. Many people only discuss suicide as being immoral (with no reason as to why other than maybe religion or that it is “murder”, which most won’t care about if it’s only murdering themselves as they feel they deserve to be murdered) or illogical (and people who are suicidal, even if incredible at logic in general, usually can’t think logically about their own situation when stressed/depressed, so the suicide will often still seem logical to them). Hopefully, your daughter is far from suicidal and might not even be clinically depressed (though if she is on medication, I am guessing she has been diagnosed with some kind of depression, or is the medication for something like ADHD?), but I just don’t want to again not say anything to a parent and then learn a tragedy has happened.</p>
<p>Hugs to your entire family as I know this is a very difficult time, and hopefully it is a time that will be lead to better times before you know it.</p>
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<p>These are great points, LazyBum.</p>
<p>Maybe she’s looking for you to give her the sign that you’re OK with her leaving her old school and trying a new school. Sometimes kids are just afraid that their parents will view them as failures if they decide that they aren’t happy at their current school. Have you ever suggested that she try a new school? It can make all the difference in the world. S1 hated his first college (top tier Private college). We brought up the idea of transferring. He was relieved when we suggested that he transfer. He said that he didn’t want us to think of him as a failure and that’s why he felt the need to stay even though he was miserable. Our conversation took the pressure off of him. He focused on his academics and was able to “see the light at the end of the tunnel” because he knew that he didn’t have to return there. He finished out the year with straight A’s and transferred to an in-state public university (about an 8 hour drive from home). What a difference!! He’s loves his new school, loves the kids and social life, and is very happy with his classes. It might be worth discussing a transfer with your D. Good luck.</p>
<p>In my experience, the overwhelming majority of girls who join sororities don’t really enjoy the experience UNTIL their second year. I honestly cannot tell you how many times this was true for people I knew/know personally (probably ranges well into the triple digits). During the first year, they can’t live in, it’s a burden to walk over for meetings and they lack a place to really call their own at the house (so they constantly feel like a visitor). Moving in makes a HUGE difference. The friendships go through the roof, it’s a lot more fun, and it begins to feel like home.</p>
<p>Hope that’s encouraging news.</p>
<p>Heartbroken, as your D gets older and her life gets more complicated, it’s more and more difficult to help in the complexities of the issues involved. Also, you may find that she will not necessarily share all of the info with you. It’s great that she has you to share her feelings and problems, and by listening and letting her know that there are acceptable outs can make a big difference.</p>
<p>"She says she feels that for the past few years she has done nothing but endure to get to the next phase. …She has not expressly said that she does not want to return; rather she says things like “I don’t know if I will last there more than a few weeks if I go back.”</p>
<p>Please make sure her therapist knows she’s saying these kind of things, which could be signs that she has been suffering from depression for many years, and still is. She also could be indicating that to her, returning to that college is such a dismal thought, that she knows she’d kill herself if she returned there.</p>
<p>Please also make sure your D knows it’s OK to take a year off so as to decide whether to return to that college, transfer, or do something else with her life.</p>
<p>As others have said, “A” students can kill themselves. Situations, too, that adults may not view as being bad enough to cause one to consider suicide may look very different to a young person, especially one who is viewing the world from the pessimistic angle that one has when one is depressed.</p>
<p>Thank you all for the support and suggestions. While I hope (and am hopeful that she will) return to school, I see that taking off some time should not be equated with dropping off the edge of the world, and that she could return better and stronger for the experience.</p>
<p>I am confident she is not suicidal, although I am watchful for any signs. I would take any threat or suicide talk seriously but I do not believe her comment was meant anything more than she expects that she may want to come home after a few weeks.</p>
<p>Have you brought up the idea of transferring to a different college? She may be waiting for your blessing to leave her current school and try a new school.</p>
<p>We have discussed the option of transferring but she kept changing her mind over the course of the school year. She knows that I would support that decision (assuming the schools made sense). I think right now she will give her new program a try. I think it could make a world of difference.</p>
<p>If, on the other hand, she is miserable and needs to take time off, I am glad to see that many students who took time off returned to school and had positive outcomes.</p>
<p>It may be that due to her depression, she’s not able to make up her mind about whether to transfer. Depression can make it difficult to make decisions.</p>
<p>This is more reason to have her depression successfully treated before she returns to school, which means it may be wise for her to take at least a semester off.</p>
<p>I cannot tell you how many Long Island kids I know who have gone to school outside their comfort zone of the NE/mid-atlantic area and have returned “home” to a SUNY-Hofstra-Adelphi etc as they did not adjust well to their new surrounding.
I’m not going to analyze whether your kid is going through depression, or she just realizes that her school choice is not a good fit and would be better off elsewhere.
What I might suggest, is that you do encourage her to go back for the semester as the sorority and honor’s program may make the experience alot better- but use this summer break to have your d check out other schools to transfer into. If she remains unhappy, she can start sending out applications for transferring into another school. This way if she can hold on through December, she may only loose one semester. And by her checking out other colleges now, she will feel that she is doing something pro-active about her future.</p>
<p>PS- I know way too many kids who went through freshman year depressed and by sophomore year, things looked alot better.
Good luck.</p>
<p>HB-From your post #31, it seems that you are still “pushing” a bit for her to return to school. I don’t blame you, as we all want our kids to finish college. My concern is that, although you support her decision to transfer (if the school makes sense) (?) , it doesn’t come across that you would support her decision to take time off.</p>
<p>It appears to me that she is not in a good place if she is in need of ongoing medication as well as saying that “it feels like she has been doing nothing but enduring to get to the next phase.” Has she been diagnosed with depression? Usually this is the case when kids are on anti-depressants, although you didn’t say explicitly what type of medication she takes in your initial post. </p>
<p>Our kids want to please us. I wonder if your daughter feels that she doesn’t have “permission” to take the time off that she needs. I sense that her issues are much deeper than just not liking her particular college.
I also feel that a straight A student is at greater risk when depressed than one who is willing to let up to ease the pressure.</p>
<p>I agree with Northstarmom that at least a semester of “required time off” by her parents to work, do volunteer work, or something else while allowing her to figure out what she wants to do with her life would be the best way to go. I would worry constantly about my kid if I sent her back to school out of state in the condition in which you describe your daughter.</p>
<p>Disagreeing here! I have seen kids come home with health issues or for fit reasons, and they become depressed due to the isolation/loss of meaningful relationships/work. There is a LOT to be depressed about when you are back home living with Mommy and Daddy and all your friends are off in the real exciting world of college life.</p>
<p>Except, the girl was depressed while in college, and still is depressed at home, including at the thought of returning to college. She is not finding college exciting: She’s finding it depressing. She already is seeing a psychiatrist at home. More reason to have her stay at home until her depression is successfully treated. It also can take fairly close monitoring to find out what dosage and kind of medicine is appropriate, and whether the medicine is leading to side effects. This particularly is true before the depression responds to medication, which can take several weeks in addition to the months it can take to determine the right dose and correct medication. Being home for the summer may not be time enough to do this particularly since most psychiatrists take at least a two-week vacation in Aug.</p>
<p>If she goes back to school while still depressed, she could get much worse particularly since it’s not likely she could see her psychiatrist often or be monitored well by people who know her like her family knows her. She’d also have to cope with the various stresses of school. </p>
<p>Only after her depression is successfully treated would she be in a position to enjoy college or make a thoughtful decision about transferring if it ends up that the college really isn’t a good match for her own needs.</p>
<p>It’s no more wise to send a child off to college while the student is ill with depression than it is wise to send a student off to college who’s ill with another illness that requires medication and careful oversight until the condition is resolved. </p>
<p>If she had Lyme disease, cancer, or some other serious illness requiring frequent oversight by a doctor, no one would be suggesting that she should go away to college now because she might feel bad about missing the excitement of college. People would realize that she would need to have her health problems resolved to the point where it was clear that she was healthy enough to live away at college.</p>
<p>cronie, I sensed the same thing you did even before I read post #31. It sounds as though the daughter would love to get out of that school but Mom may not be as supportive of the idea as she thinks she is. Daughter doesn’t want to disappoint Mom so she goes back to a school where she’s miserable. Mom may have that “tough it out and it will get better attitude.” There is nothing worse than the feeling of being trapped and I’m sensing that this girl feels trapped at a school that isn’t a good fit for her. Forget about the status/rank of the school she’s in and give her the honest OK to transfer to a new school and environment.</p>
<p>nysmile, I don’t get the sense that mom cares about the status of the school , but just that she stay IN school. She seems open to transferring, but not to taking time out.<br>
For a burned-out A student, transferring may not help with the stress. In fact, it could add to it, as now she has so much invested in making this new option work out.
I hope that the OP, while reading this, understands that we completely sympathize with her, as we’ve all been there regarding one thing or another.
We really care about your kid’s mental health, HB, and as a parent, I feel that we sometimes overlook what may seem obvious to others because we know how much our kids are capable of. When they are healthy, that is.</p>
<p>As of now, I don’t think my D wants to take off a semester as she will lose her spot in the Business School, which she is very excited about. She is on an anti-depressant both for depression (she says she is not despressed, just “unahppy”), anxiety and OCD. She is also on a stimulant for ADD, which I am beginning to think is part of the problem as it may increase her anxiety level. The primary adjustment to the meds we need to make is to try to have her off the stimulant. Personally, I think my D would be miserable here with us for a semester. She is experiencing that this summer to some extent as most of her HS friends are not here. While I believe she is depressed, one would never know it by how she acts publicly (at work) or even at home a lot of the time. I am not going to offer taking time off unless she raises the issue and then I will see what makes sense. Clearly, I am not enthusiastic about that option but not opposed to it if necessary (and if she will make good use of the time, both medically and otherwise).</p>
<p>A depressed student can definitely still get A’s. I have one. Long term depression. She also went through a phase where she could not see herself going back. We pushed her to go back. This was a kid who always needed to be pushed to do new things but the end result was always good. Her problems were much bigger then we ever imagined. Depression, anxiety, fear of failure. Pushing her to go back to college was a huge mistake.
For my kid taking time off was a hard decision. She knew she needed to but she also had to finally come to the realization that college has no time line. Her health needs to come first. Sometimes for the high achieving student they feel they are a failure if they ask for help or somehow don’t complete some deadline that is inside their own head.
You know your kid. What I have stressed to my child. That it is a sign of strength to ask for help not a sign of weakness.</p>