<p>"I am not going to offer taking time off unless she raises the issue and then I will see what makes sense. "</p>
<p>Since she’s a straight A student, and she also can intuit your feelings, I’m doubting she’ll raise the subject of taking time off even though she may feel she would be unable to survive without it. She may not raise the issue because she may think that would mean she’s a failure in your eyes and society’s eyes. Still, based on how you’ve described her behavior, she sounds like time off would be a good thing for her, giving her time to get mentally healthy and to thoughtfully make a decision about college.</p>
<p>Northstarmom, well put. It could be that D is hoping that Mom will be the one to bring up some viable options–take a semester off, transfer to a new school and environment, stay home and attend a local college for a semester while going through the transfer research/application process/visiting different campuses, etc. </p>
<p>Good luck and we’re all hoping everything works out for your daughter.</p>
<p>If your DD does take a term off and stay home, be sure to research and come up with a productive activity she can do so she does not label herself a loser. Maybe research at a local university, maybe volunteer in a field where she has interest, something that is edifying, something that works on a resume, something that is productive.</p>
<p>The D’s considering herself a loser would be more a reflection of her mental state than the activities that she’s doing. For all we know, despite her straight As, she may consider herself a loser now. People who are depressed tend to have a very low opinion of themselves, an opinion that has very little to do with reality.</p>
<p>If she gets the depression successfully addressed, more than likely, she won’t view herself as a loser even if she has taken a semester off. Meanwhile, if her depression isn’t successfully addressed, she may consider herself a loser even if she continues in school and gets straight As in the honors program.</p>
<p>No, she does not view herself as a “loser,” in fact, I think she generally is quite confident and has pretty strong self-esteem. She is, however, a bit of a “snob” and I doubt she would consider going to community college even as a temporary measure. She has so many AP credits that I am not concerned with the loss of units resulting from a semester off. Notwithstanding what anyone says to her about mental issues being an “illness” and not a weakness of character, I think she would have a hard time accepting being out of school to address those issues.</p>
<p>Suggest completing and sending out a couple of transfer applications by the end of the summer for Spring 2008. As a matter of fact, encourage it. And let HER decide where to apply (as long as they fit into the cost range that fits your situation). When she goes back to her original school in the fall, she’ll have this safety net as a security blanket. If she still isn’t happy or excited during her first semester back, it’ll be nice to know that she has a plan and a new beginning awaiting her at a new school at the end of the semester. Also, advice her not to tell anyone (accept maybe her advisor) that she’s planning on transferring. If her peers know that she’s leaving at the end of the semester, they may not want to invest any time into getting to know her.</p>
<p>HB- does your daughter have a doctor that she sees where she goes to school? If not, you could tell her to set something up either through the university or privately to continue seeing a doctor or social worker every couple of weeks, at least. In your position, I would also ask her to sign a medical release in case she is ever hospitalized and you want information.
Also, I would make sure to have the phone # of two of her closest friends, and give them your number as well, just in case you try to get in touch with her at some point, and can’t, or if they feel the need to call you. If your daughter is depressed, her closest friends will know it, so this may not be as awkward as it seems at first. I wish you both the best.</p>
<p>Listen to Northstarmom- she stated she has professional experience in the mental health field. It is better to take depression seriously than to try to second guess matters. Contact her psychiatrist, make sure her mental health professionals know what you have told us. You may want to make an appointment to be able to discuss your concerns with that person. All of us have only the information you give us, the physician taking care of your D knows her from a different perspective, s/he can either reassure you or use your new information to make changes in her care. Do not worry about “making a mountain out of a molehill” with the physician, it is better to have your concerns dealt with than wish you had. This is a major issue for you or you would not be seeking our advice on CC.</p>
<p>“HB- does your daughter have a doctor that she sees where she goes to school? If not, you could tell her to set something up either through the university or privately to continue seeing a doctor or social worker every couple of weeks, at least.”</p>
<p>It would take that person a while to get to know her. If she is seriously depressed (and it does seem that she may be that way since she was prescribed antidepressants), it would be better for her to continue being followed by her current psychiatrist.</p>
<p>"If your daughter is depressed, her closest friends will know it, so this may not be as awkward as it seems at first. "</p>
<p>There are many people who have been suicidally depressed – including being so depressed that they made successful suicide attempts – whose closest friends had no idea that they were that depressed.</p>
<p>The OP posted, “Notwithstanding what anyone says to her about mental issues being an “illness” and not a weakness of character, I think she would have a hard time accepting being out of school to address those issues.”</p>
<p>Students may have a difficult time being out of school to address serious physical illnesses, but if their parents insist, the students will comply. The same is true of mental health illnesses. </p>
<p>The situation that you describe is potentially very serious – serious enough to possibly be life threatening. It would be best if you talked to your daughter’s psychiatrist to get professional advice on how best to proceed. Much as people on CC want to help, none of us is in a position to give the informed, professional advice that your D’s psychiatrist can give.</p>
<p>If she’s dreading returning to her Midwest college, offer her the chance to stay home and work, possibly take a class at local CC. Praise her for keeping her grades high, which will enable her to successfully transfer to a local college. </p>
<p>There’s such a difference between pushing oneself to do well in a course one doesn’t like and absolutely feeling ill at the thought of pushing do work hard in every class, and to dislike the thought of moving into a sorority and keeping up a pretense of being social.</p>
<p>Its the degree of “dread” and sadness that I would focus on. For some students, sophomore year turns out to be much better. Others would benefit from time off. Mostly, a child needs to feel supported by the parents.</p>
<p>I had lunch yesterday with my g/f’s DD. She was miserable at state U, and transferred to local private college. She is currently living at home, which keeps expenses down. She loves the small private college. The prestige factor will make no difference, as she is interacting with professors now and will make connections. This was definitely the right choice for her.</p>
<p>Again, listen to your DD. She’s smart enough to earn good grades, and socially skilled enough to gain entry into a sorority. If she’s seeing a psychiatrist for meds, I suspect she also has a relationship with a therapist. Explore options with her.</p>
<p>If your D has been feeling all this dread and sadness for some time, she has probably forgotten (if she ever knew) what it would feel like to wake up and NOT be depressed. It doesn’t have to be so hard. Those of us who have chronic depression and are straight A kind of people (and I’m talking about myself) struggle for years and years before we realize – it doesn’t have to be, and never had to be, THIS HARD. I have no opinion about whether she should go back to school or not, just that she keep exploring therapy and meds until she feels really, really better. I didn’t until I was 40. Let her know she doesn’t have to wait that long.</p>
<p>I speak from the experience of having a D with mental health issues that forced her to stop attending her first college. She was so ill that she was unable to keep her grades where they needed to be. My H and I tried very hard to convince her to get help from professionals, but she wouldn’t consider it. Heartbroken, I am glad to hear that your D is seeing a psychiatrist and is on medication. I am concerned, however, that it doesn’t sound as if she is getting any better. Perhaps she does need different or stronger meds. She should be seeing her psychiatrist more, not “as little as possible”. She also probably really needs to see a therapist, as others have suggested on this thread. Has the psychiatrist suggested that? If not, I would be very surprised. Parents usually hold the purse strings for college, and thus have some power in this kind of situation.</p>
<p>This summer is the time for her to explore these negative feelings in depth, while she is safely at home and not experiencing all of the pressures of school. </p>
<p>Your D says that she doesn’t know if she “will last there more than a few weeks if I go back.” This is a real red flag and should be discussed with her and mental health professionals. What exactly does she mean? If she goes back and doesn’t last, does that mean she comes home? If she comes home, what will she do? What exactly does she want to do if she doesn’t return to that school? She needs a workable plan, and if there isn’t one, then she needs lots of help to get one.</p>
<p>My D finally decided on her own that she had to get professional help, and I helped her to find it. She is much better in many ways, has been taking comm. coll. classes and is going to try returning to her first college soon. My D is also the “snob” type who was originally horrified at the idea of taking classes at comm. coll., but came around when circumstances dictated a change. </p>
<p>Perhaps your D, when confronted with the dubious plan of sending her back to a situation in which she feels truly unable to continue, will consider the alternatives – getting more psychological help, taking time off from school, attending a school close to home. I was very uncomfortable sending my D back when she was clearly not healthy, but she had a full tuition scholarship and enough money for room and board in her name, so we were unable to prevent her from crashing and burning. Heartbroken, I hope you can exert the influence necessary to get your D to work on her issues, rather than just send her off into college-land far away while she is in such a fragile state.</p>
<p>Your are rignt, of course, NSM. My post was mostly written in the hopes that the OP would see that sending her back to a school many miles away will make it very difficult for her to monitor her daughter’s health. It doesn’t appear that the OP wants to listen to the majority of posters who feel that her daughter is in a fragile state of mind and a potential danger to herself. She asked for our advice, but doesn’t seem to be listening. She will send her back.The daughter needs a good support system when she gets there.</p>
<p>Most good universities have therapists that specialize in the kinds of issues that college students face. Cognitive therapy and others that are tailored to a student’s needs are usually available with the school’s health plan. It’s not preferable to staying home and seeing someone while closely monitored by loved ones, but it’s better than nothing. Her psychiatrist can also communicate with the college therapist to facilitate an appropriate program.</p>
<p>Staying home for a semester would be ideal. Risking a young person’s health and safety for school is SO not worth it.</p>
<p>With so many helpful responses, I am beginning to lose track as to when OP responded or when someone else started talking about their own experience with depression. </p>
<p>but as OP said in post #39, her d was very excited about her spot in the business school program. So there is a REAL possibility that with adjustment of medication and a positive view of the business school opportunity, things can get alot better in the fall. </p>
<p>I will suggest again, that d starts checking other schools to transfer into in the event the depression continues- and to let your kid know that if things do not get better during the next semester that you are behind her 100% in the event she needs to take a leave of absence during the semester or if she wants to transfer to another school.<br>
As she has shown a positive outlook towards the business program, I think the worst thing to do is to discourage her from returning to school.
But-if your d is still depressed in October/November, you may need to take further action. Wishing you well-</p>
<p>she is taking an anti drepressent and a stimulant, she has OCD…so is it possible the medications are fighting each other?</p>
<p>“she is seeing her psychiatrist as little as possible to keep him prescribing her current meds (which may not be the “right” meds).” </p>
<p>that is a flag to me- most dr’s that are responsible don’t just keep medicating if its not working.</p>
<p>I wonder about the dual medications, and if the she is just being medicated too much…what is the result of combining antidepresents (which in themselves can cause problems) with OCD medication? OCD is often better served with theropy, not just drugs.</p>
<p>My friends D was having anxiety attacks, she was given a very mild medication, BUT she was also given other exercises to do, including breathing, yoga, taking it out, writing, etc. It did wonders and it took a combination of treatments- physical, mental, spiritual, to help my friend’s daughter.</p>
<p>I am not ignoring the advice. I am just reluctant to react too quickly given the mixed signals I get from my D and the fact that she tends toward “drama.” I am, and have always been, in close contact with her psychiatrist, and he going to work with her on adjusting the meds. Her internist is also running some tests to eliminate various physical issues. Time is running out but I want to accomplish as much as possible in the remaining time this summer before coming to any conclusions about the best course for the Fall. Clearly, I want her to stay in school but not at the risk of her health, safety or ultimate well-being. I greatly appreciate everyone’s thoughtful responses, good wishes and stories of different choices and varying conclusions.</p>
<p>First of all, big hug for you, Heartbroken. This is the one of the most difficult things for a mom to face. When a child has a physical illness that can be evaluated and measured at least you have some clinical markers as to what to do. </p>
<p>I understand your caution in making a move. If your daughter is anything like mine, you don’t want to shut down communication by over-reacting or doing something she feels was out of line. </p>
<p>I, too, am a psychologist and I find that girls are pretty tough to assess, diagnose and treat. Some with the most dramatic signs of depression seem to find their way, while others who are less alarming are indeed very depressed. Depression isn’t static either in young women. One minute they can be giggling on the phone with a friend and the next moment slip into a black hole. </p>
<p>No matter what you decide to do, make sure you tell her every day how much you love and respect her - and that your feelings are because of who she is, not what she has accomplished. </p>
<p>I do think it sounds like some of it is situational - change of weather and lack of exercise (and the sleep deprivation of college life) combine to strip these young women of their ability to cope or to see beyond the moment. </p>
<p>Make sure to take care of yourself as well!</p>
<p>Would it be possible to establish some sort of professional support at school, just in case it is needed? Perhaps someone could be found now or when school starts, with the understanding that the person may be unnecessary. If the need arises, though, your D would then already know and be comfortable with a talk therapist at school.</p>