Loss, Loneliness, Discontent--Where to go from here?

College Life
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<p>Let's start out: I am unhappy at college.</p>

<p>I've had a hard time the past few years. My dad moved out during my senior year of high school, and I didn't take it well at all. I had fall outs with the majority of my friends; I hated the activities I was involved in. I saw college as a fresh start, and I moved as far away (10 hours) as I could in hopes of a change in perspective. The first couple of weeks excited me, but then the loneliness/dissatisfaction kicked in. I broke up with a boyfriend of 1 1/2 years. I found out over Christmas break that my parents were divorcing. I only had a few friends from my floor at school, though I tried so hard to branch out--just nothing seemed to fit. I really connected with one person, and things started looking up, but then over the summer he drowned. I came back to school, still grieving, heartbroken to leave my friends from home. I was supposed to be an RA, but I had to quit because I couldn't handle the stress. Just recently, I found out my mom has breast cancer, though, thankfully, she is going to be fine.</p>

<p>I am now left with this nagging discontent. I don't like it here, but I don't know if it is me or the school or the general rush of college age life. I'm not excited about the people here; I don't feel inspired about any of my classes except for one (creative writing). I feel rushed--SO rushed--and all I want to do is stop and breathe. I feel disconnected from my peers. I feel like while everyone is experiencing this awesome rush of "becoming more themselves," I am feeling the terrible devastation of losing all that I thought defined me. I haven't run into many creative / quirky smart people that haven't been tainted with pretension. I miss my home so much. I feel like I'm finally getting out of the intense pains of grieving, but I still can't bring myself to love or appreciate this place. Do I transfer close to home? Do I take a semester off to work or do a wilderness program? Do I keep on trudging through school, making worse grades, spending a lot of money, struggling to find people with whom I can connect? </p>

<p>I'm a sophomore in college, and I feel like if I haven't found it here yet, then I probably won't. I'm only here at this point because 1) my parents already invested a lot of money 2) it's strong in my majors and 3) I hate letting things go. I am having such a hard time managing the responsibilities of living alone without structure and without friends / family to lean on when I need it. I feel like I'm missing out on these "best year of my life" because I'm not prepared for them. I've had too much taken away from me, too fast. I don't even really like this state. I miss my home state; I miss being near those who know me and love me and are patient with me. I can't keep up with people here; I feel like I'm 65 and trying to keep up with a bunch of college students! It isn't working.</p>

<p>What do I do to lift myself out of this?
(and yes, I am trying counseling, but that only goes so far)</p>

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<p>Talk with your counselor and see what s/he thinks about medication for you to help with what may be clinical depression. Also make sure that your counselor knows how bad you are feeling.</p>

<p>Also get a medical exam. Some illnesses such as anemia and thyroid problems also can add to feelings of irritation and depression.</p>

<p>Before trying to get better by doing something like taking time off, it probably would be better to get a more thorough evaluation of your emotional and medical situation, including the possibilities that you need medication and/or more frequent counseling sessions.</p>

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<p>pick up a hobby, sports, writing, w/e…just pick something you’ll like, meet people who are interested in it.</p>

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<p>If you don’t mind me asking, what school do you go to?</p>

<p>I’m going to be real with you, right now things seem rough, but there is alot to be thankful about. The fact that you are even sitting in a college dorm speaks volumes about your situation, compare that with people who would kill to be in your position.</p>

<p>You have to come to a point and realize that sometimes people AREN’T right for each other. Parents do break up and it IS there right, because they are still human. They don’t have to stay together if they are miserable to put up a front for the kids, that often leaves even more permanent scars.</p>

<p>Regardless, I just want you to realize that first you need to pick some things you like to do and DO them. Secondly, examine your college (again it would help if we knew) and compare it with how it fits with your personality. Maybe you are just clashing terribly with the school, but don’t get attached to things at home and friends back home. People have to move on, in some cases this means a divorce, but you’ve gotta deal with it and grow from this, not lose out on life.</p>

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<p>I’m sorry that you are having a rough time. I have to tell you that your feelings are not that uncommon with many college students. I kinda felt a lot like you at my first school, which led me to transfer closer to home and to a school that was a better fit for me. Listen to your gut and if it’s telling you that things aren’t right where you are, then it might be a good idea to try something else. If you need the support of family that cares about you, there is nothing wrong with that. It can be very lonely and isolating at college and you sound as though you have been through quite a few difficult tragedies recently. I would imagine it would be more wrong to be flying high in the face of divorce, death and illness of those close to you. You have reasons to have feelings of loss and grief. You may just have to realize that you need to go through the process of grieving right now and that it will be rough for a while. Cry all you need to and let your feelings out. Try and distract yourself with things you enjoy. Make the move to be closer to family and friends if you feel they will give you the support you need right now. The future is a long road, there is plenty of time to leave the nest when you are more ready.</p>

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<p>i totally agree with Northstarmom. you sound depressed which makes perfect sense considering all your losses. i also agree with Lilymoon, as you sound a lot like most college kids, especially the rushed part. not knowing where you are, i have no idea if your college counseling center is good, but it’s certainly a place to start. do you know if your parents have any mental health insurance, so you can find a licensed practitioner near your campus? i’d look into it. you might find you’ll handle all your current stressors very differently, and maybe not even be as dissatisfied with your school. take care of yourself.</p>

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<p>alligator,</p>

<p>I absolutely agree with the advice given by northstarmom. Please get an evaluation for clinical depression as well as a physical exam as soon as possible and be candid about the way you feel with your physicians. Given the load that you have had to bear, it wouldn’t surprise me at all if there is a medical component to the way that you are feeling. Remember, depression is not a weakness, it’s an illness. And it can be treated very effectively. You have received lots of good advice from the other posters on this thread and I hope that you will take it to heart. I’ll add one other piece of advice: don’t quit. Your situation WILL get better. You sound like a warm, very intelligent, worthwhile person – people around you will notice that and you’ll connect with them. It’s only a matter of time. Hang in there and best wishes.</p>

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<p>and know this</p>

<p>there is no shame in stepping back from college for a while- many have done it</p>

<p>that being said, you want to be sure you have looked at all your options- talked to someone, looked at what it takes to transfer or take a leave, etc</p>

<p>what about study abroad- getting out of there but still being in school..</p>

<p>your mom is going through something, and if you can, make her proud!!! let her goals for you help you help yourself</p>

<p>sometimes doing for another can get us over some really bad times</p>

<p>also, find ways to help others- it can do wonders to work with children or the elderly, or with animals, while filling in time</p>

<p>too much down time is not good and often, if you are volunteering for a cause, you will meet some wonderful people</p>

<p>make it a goal to exercise, find some event that needs volunteers, so that you aren’t focusing soley on what is going on with you, but so you can focus on helping others</p>

<p>your mom has breast cancer, that is one wonderful place to start- breast cancer awareness on campus- walkathons for other issues</p>

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<p>Thank you so much. I was not expecting all of these replies, and it means so much that you left them, and I am so glad to have the perspective of someone other than my peers at school. </p>

<p>I am at UNC Chapel Hill. I’ve been going to individual counseling once a week and then group counseling (for interpersonal relationships) once a week; the same counselor does both, and I like him, as he is a very nice and kind of funny and well-meaning (though admittedly sometimes seemingly clueless lol but that may be just because he’s genuine, which I appreciate). </p>

<p>I looked up his profile. He’s “a staff psychologist at CWS with special interests in group therapy, men’s issues, pro-feminist psychotherapy, body image issues, and the integration of spirituality and psychotherapy. His theoretical orientation is informed by elements of feminist, cognitive, and humanistic/existential approaches. He earned his Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Georgia, and completed his pre-doctoral psychological internship at the University of Florida Counseling Center.”</p>

<p>My worry about depression and medications is that, if I am not actually depressed, then I will be using these pills to chemically alter my brain in a way that may actually hinder my healing process. I’ve always thought of depression as something so big that I would know–know–know if I had it.</p>

<p>And I am overwhelmed at the idea of having to try to find a way to get a full medical evaluation or a counselor off-campus. I wouldn’t even know where to begin finding someone, and I have no idea how much a medical evaluation would cost or what is involved. Do you know anything? I hate springing stuff like this on my parents.</p>

<p>I feel like I am trying. I’m trying to eat better–out of fear of anemia, I even gave up my vegetarian ways, though I don’t think that really changed anything–and I’m trying to exercise more. I’ve tried out different clubs, though none of them have really been working for me. I’m so far behind in school at this point that its hard for me to justify going out and having fun or going to a club meeting that doesn’t really thrill me. Problem is, I stay in but still don’t get all that much work done. Where is my motivation? </p>

<p>I’m having a hard time figuring out the source of all of this. Personal flaws? Environment? Grief? Depression? Something physical?</p>

<p>But I do appreciate all of your comments. And hyakku, I AM thankful for being where I am; resenting myself (which I do) for not making the most of things almost makes this harder. I know my life isn’t a tragedy; I know I’ve been lucky. And my parents did try to stay together for the kids. I think that we’re all hoping to save ourselves from the scars. The reason I am posting this is because I know that I need to move on but I’m unsure how.</p>

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<p>I wish you the best, alligator. I hope you feel better. </p>

<p>I know how it feels, not feeling as if you’ve found a “place” in your life. I still feel that way. Sometimes I feel very, very down. I’m pretty sure its normal to feel this way sometimes, but I encourage you to talk with a professional. Depending on how bad it gets the rest of the semester, I might go too.</p>

<p>Just so you know, after the first or second year of college, a lot of people I know started feeling depressed or at least pretty discontent. I guess pressure builds up, we start getting antsy and bored with parts of college now but apprehensive of what we’ll have to do after college at the same time. Its a difficult, murky period to go through. I think it might be worse than starting college. But most people shake out of it, or are able to talk with someone about how they feel and work through it.</p>

<p>PS: I personally dislike when people insist on telling you when you feel sad that you shouldn’t complain because of how really good you have it. Sometimes its not selfish to acknowledge that despite the good things in our lives, there are still things that make us feel sad and unsatisfied. So don’t resent yourself for feeling the way you do, there’s legit reasons why you might feel down.</p>

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<p>Your counselor seems to have a good background in that he has a doctorate and is a staff psychologist at a top university’s counseling center.</p>

<p>“My worry about depression and medications is that, if I am not actually depressed, then I will be using these pills to chemically alter my brain in a way that may actually hinder my healing process. I’ve always thought of depression as something so big that I would know–know–know if I had it.”</p>

<p>Talk to your counselor about this. Your counselor has the skills to be able to tell you whether you’re suffering from depression. That’s part of his job – to determine client’s diagnosis, and then determine the appropriate treatment.</p>

<p>It can be very difficult to self evaluate depression, because it can come on slowly, and one can forget what it feels like to not be depressed: depression can seem like feeling normal.</p>

<p>“And I am overwhelmed at the idea of having to try to find a way to get a full medical evaluation or a counselor off-campus. I wouldn’t even know where to begin finding someone, and I have no idea how much a medical evaluation would cost or what is involved.”</p>

<p>Your counselor can help you with this. If you have health insurance, all or most of it may be covered. I know that my insurance covers an annual exam for just a $25 co-pay. It completely covers all lab tests, too.</p>

<p>You are fortunate that the Chapel Hill area is probably one of the best places in the country to get any kind of medical treatment. That’s because of the excellent universities and medical schools that are in the area.</p>

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<p>“My worry about depression and medications is that, if I am not actually depressed, then I will be using these pills to chemically alter my brain in a way that may actually hinder my healing process. I’ve always thought of depression as something so big that I would know–know–know if I had it.”</p>

<p>You are 100% right about this. There are very real dangers in taking anti-depressants, especially as a teen where there is the risk of suicide. Since you are dealing with very real issues in your life and are having a normal reaction of feeling your feelings of loss and grief (in our society, actually feeling appropriate feelings of loss and grief are seen as taboo), I would just try your best to get through each day trying to take care of yourself…eat healthy, get enough sleep, exercise, all things I think you are trying to do. You are talking to a counselor and going to group therapy. I think you are doing all the right things. Sometimes life can be hard and you are young to have so much happen to you in a short period of time. Keep up the good work. You sound like a really mature and intellegent young girl. Take things one day at a time and do the best you can. Try and not put yourself under so much pressure and do what you can each day. Try and find joy where you can…in simple things around you…go for long walks and have faith that you will get through this.</p>

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<p>altho no one should ever rush or be rushed into taking anti-depressants, they have an important place in the treatment of depression. there is much controversy as to their supposed “suicidal” component. there are so many variables when it comes to diagnosis, proper mental health provider, proper choice of meds,proper monitoring of patient, and the reliability of the patient. in addition, no one should ever just be handed a prescription, without on-going individual psychotherapy. in extremely severe depression, sometimes once the meds start to work, the individual feels energized, enough to have energy to suicide. that is another aspect to this, but by NO MEANS THE NORM. a good patient-therapist relationship remains an important constant in this process.</p>

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<p>see, what you don’t realize is that you ARE helping yourself. You may not consider this in the sense that posting on a forum may not be the most conventional methods, but just getting your thoughts unadulterated and out there helps a ton.</p>

<p>MY respect for you shot up when you said:</p>

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<p>So many people I know copped out and just thought they had depression. Now they can barely hold a conversation because of all the meds there on. Oftentimes its a downward spiral, they will act more melodramatic then they are, get anti depressants, that causes more problems,so they get more medicine, etc. My one friend I feel terrible for, he can’t even finish most of his sentences, and his problems were not NEARLY as bad as now.</p>

<p>I’m not saying that you need to resent yourself, but you can only GET help if you WANT help. First thing you need to realize is the things that you ARE happy to have. Dwelling on the negative is going to KEEP you in the negative, thats why you need to list all the things that you have and realize that your life is pretty good. This WILL help with your confidence, sometimes people overlook their precious things in light of more trivial matters (although this isn’t).</p>

<p>Furthermore, its good your on a new diet. I find after I’ve been on a good diet (like working out diet) and then go back to my cereal/oatmeal/junk food regiments I begin to feel alot more sluggish and have to adjust to all the sugar intake again. Eating properly helps TREMENDOUSLY. Try 5-6 smaller meals than what you are having a day spaced out 3-4 hours in between. Trust me you will have constantly sustained energy. But remember you want something like 40/40/20 or 40/30/30 Proteins/carbs/fats. Again, a diet can be EVERYTHING.</p>

<p>Finally, go out and socialize have fun. If you don’t feel like you are what you could be CHANGE. Trust me on this, I changed myself for the better, and my best friend used to be fat and really detested himself for it, not getting girls, etc. Now he’s been with god knows how many girls, and we always get shouted out at by girls while driving/walking. Its because you are willing to CHANGE that will cause your happiness. That’s the difference between US and everyone else. People who lead, and people who follow don’t vary except in one area. We’re willing to take action, while you are willing to only contemplate it. Ask yourself, are you willing to only experience life, or do you want to LIVE it?</p>

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<p>I started taking antidepressants 2 years ago, and they changed my life for the better. The whole world looks different. I have many new friends, and have become an active participant in more organizations. I also took the antidepressants while also being in therapy, and they helped me take even better use of my therapy.</p>

<p>I know others for whom antidepressants have caused similar results.</p>

<p>It is true that antidepressants aren’t for everyone. That’s why I say you should talk to your therapist about them, and also get a physical from a doctor to find out if a medical problem is causing what could possibly be depression. If it ends up that meds are indicated, get them from a psychiatrist, not from a family doctor because psychiatrists are the ones trained to prescribe antidepressants.</p>

<p>You are fortunate to be in one of the best places in the country for medical treatment, so do take advantage of your opportunities there.</p>

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<p>hyakku’s post about the importance of nutrition (which I totally agree with)remided me to also suggest you for you to try some supplementation that can also be really helpful. I would recommend a really good multi-vitamin with high levels of Folate, extra B and C (emergen-C packets are great, just add to water), Calcium/Magnesium and fish oil with a high EPA content. High EPA fish oil has recently been shown to combat depression in studies. In addition, if you want to give St. John’s wort a try, it has been suggested for use with depression, but I would start with the other supplements first and see how that goes. Do you have a health food store nearby? If not, it is easy to order these supplements online and have them delivered to your school.</p>

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<p>We are so quick to medicate…that scares me…</p>

<p>they did a study on cold medicines for kids- turns out that the placebo meds did just as well as the “real” cold meds- </p>

<p>I am one for looking beyond yourself to the world to see how you can help others as a medicine</p>

<p>Sure, medicines can help, but it shouldn’t be the first line of attack</p>

<p>Yes it is okay to be bummed out, but that doesn’t mean you don’t give life your best shot</p>

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<p>No one is suggesting medication as the first line of attack. I have suggested that the OP talk with his therapist about his concerns (including whether more frequent counseling sessions might help), and also see a doctor to get a thorough medical evaluation, which could find physical problems that are exacerbating or causing the OP’s emotional concerns. If no physical problems are found, I suggested that the OP talk with a psychiatrist about possible medication.</p>

<p>Trying all of these kind of thngs would be important before transferring because if the OP’s difficulties could be helped by medication or are due to some kind of physical condition, transferring won’t help. Indeed, the stress of adapting to a new situation and being without his current therapist could add to the OP’s difficulties.</p>

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<p>yes, i second what Northstarmom is saying. i don’t believe anyone here has pushed meds, or anything for that matter. alligator know she needs professional help, and she’s hopefully using her temporary school-based counselor as guide. there’s LOTS of bad, inappropriate mental health out there, hence all the legislation for mental health parity in house and senate.
everything everyone has said is a part of the picture…nutrition, talking, activities, etc. BUT if alligator is clinically depressed, and i know she’s self-evaluating this, she needs proper professional care. depression has a biochemical component…not enough of those little guys we call neurotransmittors doing their job. that’s what meds are for IN ADDITIN to the work of personal change.</p>

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<p>depression is a result of being weak-minded.
Everyone has problems/difficulties in life.
Learn how 2 deal wit it</p>