Agree with @twinsmama … just to add (as I’ve mentioned on here before) the Hotchkiss Head of School told our parent group during Revisit , “ You’re not sending your child to a school, you’re sending your child to people”.
Perhaps because our kiddo was sent so far away, we felt a bit more sensitive @ the people who would be guiding and teaching our child. Who will you call if there is an issue, if your kid is crying, if they get sick or injured in a game?
To the OP’s question @ managing emotions… we didn’t think to manage emotions, rather we tried to manage expectations.
Happiness = experience > expectation in golf, at least!
If we assume that chasing prestige equates to only pursuing schools with low acceptance rates, than …If you chase prestige, you’re more likely to end up empty handed on M10, not surrounded by people who place a high value on status (or are shallow in other ways suggested). A low acceptance rate simply means that many people sought few available positions. Does a west coast school have a low acceptance rate because it is a beacon of high values, while an east coast school has a low acceptance rate because the privileged elite are competing for bragging rights? NO. All of the schools with low acceptance rates are wonderful, in their own unique ways. But the important point made by many posts here is…many other schools are wonderful too.
Many caring parents start this process by Googling “best boarding schools”. That doesnt make them shallow…it means they care and are starting from scratch. The schools they initially encounter are great, but good research and good advice (like that found in this thread) will lead them to other great schools. From there, the strategy is up to the kids and families. But most important and relevant to the OP’s question is that M10 expectations must be in line with the strategy and that’s where we as parents can take the lead.
I agree that this is about “Managing Expectations.”
If we assume the acceptance rate of these very selective schools is say 10% for each school, the probability of not getting into any of the five schools is 59%.
@payn4ward just a little humor that DH tried on GolfKiddo…during the apex of application angst, he put things in perspective as only someone who once worked in Orlando and Anaheim can do…he told us it was easier to get into boarding school than Club 33 :))
I think the first question I would be asking is why she / you feel the need to send her to a school like Andover et al. Someone has obviously planted the seed that it’s elite residential secondary school education or bust. Said another way, my D20 doesn’t even know Andover, Phillips Exeter, Choate even exists. Where did she get these ideas that to be successful in college applications she “needs” these programs?
@socaldad2002 to add to your point above, does it seem to be even more of an emphasis this application year on PEA/PA compared to the last 2 years on CC. We know that CC self-selects but it seems that this year there are fewer questions about a “wider net” of schools than in the past 2 years that I have been on here. Some excellent schools that were mentioned quite often in the past (MX, SMS, SGS, DA, SA, Blair) are not mentioned very often this year…perhaps people are waiting to tell us that they have (after all) applied to a variety of schools. Just my observation about this year and related “expectations” relevant to this thread :-<
CaliMex…we visited all she applied to plus Hotchkiss. She does not want to apply to Hotchkiss because she says she won’t go even if she got in. She said it is a waste of our money.? She can be pretty frugal when she wants to be.
Our dd go diagnosed with ADHD Inattentive this summer. We learned through the testing that she has an extremely high iq and extremely high inattentiveness. The more rote/easy things were the lower her scores and the harder the material got on the testing the better she did. She does better when she is engaged in what is being taught. Her current school is very traditional in how they teach and just isn’t the best fit for her.
^This is a perfect reason to leave the public system! You’ll still want to pick your schools carefully.
Fwiw, this kind of diagnosis is rough for kids when they are bored. It can be equally rough when they are extremely challenged and have to buckle down to struggle to work out something that’s not coming easily because they lack the focus to do that. Finding that place where they are engaged by the pace and difficulty but not in over their head will be important. (Guess how I know this?
Sounds like you didn’t consider very many schools to begin with, so it isn’t surprising that you ended up with such a narrow list. You are full pay and your daughter is bright, so you will probably land somewhere … but there are literally dozens of schools where your kid would be just as challenged and several either with pedagogies that are far less traditional or with far more support services for kids with ADHD.
And, as many posters have mentioned, academics are just one piece of the puzzle. These schools don’t just prepare kids for college-level academics, they prepare them for life. The social and emotional aspects are just as important.
We were sold on our current school when we heard several kids say they felt strong PEER pressure to do the right thing, even when no one was looking. That is not as common as it should be, alas…
We had our kids read “The Gatekeepers: Inside the Admissions Process of a Premier College.” Published in 2002 but about Wesleyan, it is surprisingly current and applies directly to the boarding school admissions process. The lesson learned was that the admissions process is FAR more arbitrary than most applicants realize. Getting denied is not a judgement on their worth.
That said, applying to three very large New England schools and two smaller than average schools in California would raise the question of what you are looking for? The large NE schools are not the kind of schools where an ADHD kid would get a lot of support. The kids ranked #300 in class may have gotten a good education but the’re not going to a highly selective college…
PA and PEA sit amidst the 16 school ISL, which range in size from fewer than 375 to 675 (Milton), with outstanding educational outcomes. There are many other outstanding schools in CT as well, not to mention schools in the NH lakes region. If you don’t like Hotchkiss (which has a relatively formal dress code) there are a half dozen others within 1-2 hours drive that do not.
Our son is an ADD kid and were were most concerned about the level of personal support he would receive. He’s at a school with a dedicated Advisor that keeps close track of his progress, and plenty of dorm supervision. All BS’s have small classes which suits ADD kids better than a public school’s large class size. You want to understand clearly how they will support your daughter in the classroom, in the dorm, and on campus. Andover, for example, has a “Team Approach” to support which failed us completely.
Most of the New England schools have application deadlines of January 15 or 31, so you still have time to recast your list.
There is another consideration: many kids at boarding schools repeat 9th grade. It is more often done for maturity reasons than academic. And they often take in 10-20% of a class in 10th grade. If you don’t achieve your goals this cycle, consider it a dry run and apply again next year, for 9th or 10th grade as appropriate.
@Garandman Agree completely. Even if your child does get into one of the names ( whatever the names are to you). it still doesn’t mean it’s a good fit. My oldest was a very strong academic kid with lots of other things (sports and other ECs), loves competition ( on the field and off). But kiddo wasn’t the type of kid who would sit well at the lower part of a class. Kid could see choice #1 was going to be a grind. Lots of type A’s. Some kids were going to be brilliant. ( Loved that idea) And some were just going to outwork my kid. My kid wasn’t afraid of doing work 2-3 hours per night seemed fine. But working like crazy to be in the top 10% didn’t feel like a good choice. But kid decided that giving up having balance and being able to do the things you love wasn’t worth it. My kid didn’t have ADHD issues but if they did that would have factored very high in the equation. Kid chose slightly lowered ranked BS and is very happy. And kid is working hard ( this is a kid with 99% SSAT and no prep and all A’s previously so the BS education level is there). It is still challenging but at the right level.
It’s not just getting into these schools, it’s doing well and feeling good about yourself. Additionally, while many post that the only reason for boarding school is to get a good education. Some, like us, feel as though in addition to getting a great education and foundation in working with others, we also want our kid to attend a great college. ( No one said Ivies so please hold your pervasive rants and drones Blah, blah, blah about BS isn’t an Ivy league pass, we know that already).
Graduating at the the bottom isn’t an option for many families. I think many families who seek the names think their kids are stronger students than they actually are. That is, when you see the pool of BS candidates and talk to parents there are amazing kids out there. And your kids are going to be with others like that. A vastly different experience from the public or small private where you kid was a standout. So will your kid be a standout at a school with a 10-20% acceptance rate and many repeats? Who knows. Do remember these are kids who have had every class and opportunity since birth. So some are already soaring.
Size matters. The bigger schools offer more ( they can with more students). But the smaller schools also offer something in a small community. And there is value in letting kids grow as kid and take on their own interests. They cannot always do that if academic pressure is the paramount thing at their school. Kids need to feel the vibe. They need to be in a place which supports their moral compass and their current and future needs. As parents we need to be able to say guide them to the right place. And we need to be able to point out what is marketing and prestige and what is valuable.
@msc3173: I’d read @Garandman ‘s post with care and consider reaching out over PM.
Some of the schools you’ve targeted are more “sink-or-swim” and might not be ideal for a kid with ADD inattentive. As you probably know, girls with inattentive ADD often slip through the cracks. (If they are bright, they often do fine in HS until junior year, when the pressure escalates.)
Have you talked to the schools about the support they have provided kids with the same diagnoses, beyond dispensing meds?
I think PM’g any one of the seasoned veterans is a good idea…they hold a wealth of knowledge.
But I think you might reassess what is really wanted from BS first, so your questions are more focused and you’re able to get the insight you need to have a successful M10. And by success—that could mean acceptance into a good fit school just as easily as NOT getting into a bad fit school. I actually think getting in to a school that is a bad fit could be much worse for managing kid’s emotions in the long run.
One general thought, OP, for whatever it’s worth: kids, especially young kids, probably don’t have sufficient life experience to know which schools would be “best” for them. All they know is what their adolescent brain has been told, and their processing of that data is profoundly impacted by what their peers think/say/do. So, for the same reasons that 8th graders can’t drive or vote or drink, most won’t be wise or experienced enough to project how they’d “fit” into a particular school – at least not without the benefit of a visit. So if you think your daughter would benefit from being in a BS, you’d be wise to broadly explore what types of schools she’d flourish in, and focus on those, using your parental influence to cajole your daughter into this exploration. The hard part of that process will be drilling down & figuring out which schools might really be great for her & also thinking carefully about whether you are truly ready for her to leave. If you are, help her find a well-fitting school home and don’t let her make the mistake of artificially limiting her options for reasons that might ultimately be based on inexperience or unproductive peer influence. At the end of the day, “managing her emotions” short-term will pale in comparison to managing her happiness long-term.
As my kids have graduated I’m not so active on the BS side of the forum anymore, but recently read through this thread. So many great pieces of advice here from parents who have been through the process before. The OP (and @busymommyof4, who seems to be in similar situation) is in VERY good hands. I hope s/he will follow some of the excellent suggestions offered up.
After my super-stats kid (7D1) went through the process years ago (she is now a college senior), I was an outspoken (perhaps to a fault) advocate of casting a wide net/thinking outside the usual suspects. And I still am. And I will join the throngs of those suggesting she add 1 or 2 less selective schools to the mix if there is still time…she will not regret it.
I’m more confident than most that this FP girl will be admitted to one of these schools.
I’m just not sure all of these schools are great choices for a kid who has been diagnosed with the inattentive form of ADD… Or that such different schools are all equally good “fits.”
I think CaliMex makes a great point, getting in is only the tip of the battle, the kid then has to be successful for 4 years at the school they attend. I would definitely ask some very pointed questions about academic support during revisit days (and whatever other kinds of support an ADD kid is going to need).
I really don’t think many/any of these schools are the best for a child with that issue. Maybe others who have had a child successfully matriculate from one of the schools can comment.
The best reference point would be someone who has lived through this with their child and can talk about the challenges they faced at X,Y, Z school. How was the child able to stay on track on a daily basis? Who helped check things were in order? What happened when they ran into roadblocks etc.
These schools are challenging even for the strongest students who are motivated and have no issues around focus.
