My child has gone crazy - advice needed

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Oy vey.</p>

<p>D has always been a great kid, with a good head on her shoulders. She's always been self-motivated - she was an average student until middle school, when she decided she wanted to do better, and she put her nose to the grindstone and put in more effort, and became one of the top students in her school (she's ranked 15 out of 500 in her class).</p>

<p>She had a tough start to the year, with a disastrous performance in Calculus, and a teacher who wasn't able to assist her in meaningful way (she went after school for help, but he basically said if she wasn't getting it from class, she wasn't going to get it). She had several personal disppointments involving her music and theater activities - didn't get a part in the fall play, got a tiny part in the spring musical, missed the All-State audition due to an academic field trip, after nailing the regional auditions. In addition, many of her girlfriends have new boyfriends, so she felt dumped by them. </p>

<p>So things were mostly normal, although more subdued - she went to school, went to work, did her homework, brought her grades up after a bad first quarter, transferred to Statistics, visited schools, filled out her applications, and played World of Warcraft (WOW).</p>

<p>Through WOW, she met a guy who lives in Texas who is now her online boyfriend. Except he's 23 years old, and ever since she started online dating him, she's started scaling back her expectations for herself. She went from wanting a career in research to thinking maybe she'd be an elementary school teacher. She's talking about taking a year off, not to live in Ireland as she initially planned, but to spend time with the online boyfriend. </p>

<p>I've been trying to stay very cool about all this, but she told me earlier this week that she is thinking maybe she'll just put off college for a few years. As someone who did just that and is now in my 4th year of Community College, still several years away from a degree since I can only fit in 1 or 2 classes a semester at most, this made me furious. We made a deal to not talk about college again until after we visit one of the schools that gave her a terrific merit scholarship on April 11. </p>

<p>I think she may be depressed, and we went to the doctor about it. He recommended a therapist, but this therapist does not return our calls. D is adamant about not taking any medication. </p>

<p>My husband has taken all of this even worse. He is worried that she's going to turn 18 and just head out the door. He would like to prosecute this boyfriend since she's 17 years old - although I gathered from a discussion with her that she may have suggested that she's older. I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed by all this, and I'm devestated that D has worked so hard and suddenly seems to have given up. I'm not sure what else I should do. Or can do. My parents were very forceful about what I could and could not do, even when I was 18, and I rebelled against them by moving in with the first guy who was interested in me. (That actually worked out quite well for me, but I know that is not the norm).</p>

<p>Any advice?</p>

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<p>OK, your kid hasn't "gone crazy", first off! I went through a similiar thing as your D - very high-achieving kid, hit senior year, suddenly started failing classes and wondering what it was all for. Even had a bit of a rough start in calculus, too!</p>

<p>I can't help you with the guy, which I feel is a really big problem, because I have no experience with that. But in terms of schoolwork, confidence for me is key. Your D needs to regain confidence in herself and her abilities, and also find something she cares enough about to apply herself to. In that way you can help by being encouraging and trying to restore her confidence in herself, and also suggesting causes or things to be passionate about and how she can apply her education. It's pretty common to be so wound up in this crazy rat race called high school that you forget what learning, education, and doing your best is about and what it can do for you.</p>

<p>As far as depression, I've had real mixed results with therapists and medication. Read: terrible. But your D, especially concerning this boy, might benefit from having somebody to talk to. If your therapist is not returning your calls, you need to find another one ASAP. Open communication is very important. My therapist always responds to my parents' concerns while keeping my confidence. Try finding another therapist first, and schedule a family meeting where you and your husband and your D can sit down and talk about your concerns together, in no way making her feel belittled or cornered.</p>

<p>It's tough...I feel for you. I wish I had better advice!</p>

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<p>If you "forgot" to pay the cable bill, would your internet be cut off? Does she talk to the online boyfriend on the phone, or is strictly an email (and internet dependent) relationship. </p>

<p>I'm serious here. I think if you threatened to take away the internet as punishment she'd probably throw a huge fit and walked out.... but if the internet connection just happened to break somehow, then maybe there would be no more World of Warcraft and no more boyfriend for a few weeks. </p>

<p>Of course, then you wouldn't have CC either.....</p>

4

<p>
[quote]
OK, your kid hasn't "gone crazy", first off!

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I know, I just wanted a punchy title to grab attention.</p>

<p>Thank you for your input. The guy is a big problem. She was telling me that she didn't want to go to college because that's what everyone does, and I asked her what the online boyfriend thought, and she said "he thinks I should go to college". But now I'm really not sure if she's being honest with me about that, since I know she was dishonest about her age in her communications with him. </p>

<p>I got my husband calmed down enough to listen to me that if he goes in there, yelling at her and telling her he's calling the police on her boyfriend, she's just going to go on the defensive. So he's taking an opposite approach and treating her with more love and attention than he's given her in a while (he works nights, so we usually only see him when he's sleeping). I'm hoping that helps.</p>

5

<p>I agree with the previous poster about finding another therapist. Maybe your d's Dr. can give you another recommendation? </p>

<p>I don't think your d is crazy either, I think she's hurting and has lost a bit of her perspective. </p>

<p>My own d struggled with CalcBC and dumped a BF this year so I know how hard things must be. And she has started saying some of the same things since as your d since she wasn't accepted at any of her top 5 schools...thinking about not going into biochemistry research, staying here and teaching kids at Sunday school at our church, just kind of giving up or giving in. </p>

<p>The deal to not talk about college until after the April 11th scholarship/college visit sounds like a good one. Gives everyone time to think things over. </p>

<p>The BF situation is worrisome, but hopefully it will resolve itself if she can see a therapist and she likes the college you are going to visit. Maybe there she will "re-see" all of the potential and possibilities she has again. </p>

<p>My thought about her failing classes is that maybe you could consider restricting computer (online time) and WOW until she gets her grades back up? Just a thought...</p>

<p>Best of luck to you during this difficult time.</p>

6

<p>
[quote]
If you "forgot" to pay the cable bill, would your internet be cut off? Does she talk to the online boyfriend on the phone, or is strictly an email (and internet dependent) relationship.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>They talk on the phone, so it's not internet dependent.</p>

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<p>My daughter has several friends who have also fallen into the "internet relationship trap." It is very easy to idealize someone that you don't have to see every day. The warts don't show over the phone/internet, and insecure girls don't have to worry about how they look/sexual advances/etc either. My advice would be a little different than that offered above: Consider inviting him to fly up to visit your daughter. He should, of course, stay in a hotel, and all visits should be well-supervised. But sometimes seeing "the real deal" behind the romanticised version is a much needed eye-opener.</p>

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<p>dcldvc - she has picked up her grades, so that's not much of a concern. I will look for another therapist - most of them around here seem to only work part time (such convenient hours, too, like 10am-2pm...IOW, when I'm at work, D is at school and hubby's sleeping). </p>

<p>Thanks for your suggestions.</p>

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<p>Has she met this guy in person? I don't think there's any grounds to prosecute him for chatting online and on the phone, unless he has tried to make plans to meet her knowing she is underage.</p>

<p>I feel for you! I'm sure it's so hard to watch your daughter change from a promising life to one that's not what you had envisioned for her.</p>

<p>I agree with trying a new therapist. Another question: what do her friends think about this boyfriend situation? Do they have any pull with her?</p>

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<p>You have a great deal of credibility and authority with your daughter. Believe this, and don't hesitate to use it. If you think something is wrong, tell her, and back it up. This is the time to have self-confidence as a parent. </p>

<p>You don't need to make specific comment on the guy because she will tell you you don't know him and you don't understand. Of course you can tell her that when she is eighteen, she is welcome to rent her own apartment with Internet access, and travel to meet her online boyfriend. </p>

<p>It is also very important that you and your husband present a united front, no disagreements and no way your daughter can divide you.</p>

<p>Good luck. I realize this is tricky. I just want you to have more confidence than us baby boomer parents usually have. I went through difficulties with my daughter about five years ago when she was 17, and made some of the mistakes that I've advised against here.</p>

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<p>Irishmom,
Has your D met this guy in real life? If she has misrepresented herself to him, how does she know he is who he claims to be? I don't know that a therapist is needed, but certainly a "meet the parents" (and/or the girl) is in order (with all the usual caveats on meeting someone from online in place). Could be a good reality check for all concerned.</p>

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<p>I vote for the meet the parents thing too. If he's not who he represented, he'll either not come or his presence will speak for itself. If he is a great guy (I've known several people who met wonderful spouses online), then you could look him in the eye and ask him to support you in having your daughter realize her dreams and get the best education she can earn.</p>

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<p>I did invite him to come up here and meet us. I did this purely as a reaction to D telling me that she was planning to go to San Antonio to meet him after she graduated. I told her that I thought it would be better if he came up here. So he's due to fly up here a few days after her graduation. </p>

<p>My husband isn't happy about this, but we both have friends we initially met online, so it would probably not be effective to argue that she can't trust anyone she meets online. </p>

<p>I'm working on formulating my message for when we agreed to talk about college, and I think I'm going to approach it as keeping her options open. Even if he turns out to be the man of her dreams and everything is wonderful, she shouldn't close off the choice of college.</p>

<p>
[quote]
If he is a great guy (I've known several people who met wonderful spouses online), then you could look him in the eye and ask him to support you in having your daughter realize her dreams and get the best education she can earn.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Great point, zoosermom. My sister-in-law suggested something similar - her husband put her through college because he promised her parents that he would. And if he is a good guy, then it also wouldn't hurt to point out that if it's true love, it can wait four years to move forward.</p>

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<p>I think the "keeping your options open" approach is a good one. Really, it sounds to me like you have a very good handle on the situation, frustrating and nerve-wracking as it is. So, my heartfelt hugs to you, and my sincere hope all works out the way it should.</p>

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<p>irishmom - I feel for you. </p>

<p>The notion that your daughter could get very attached to someone she met online, and has never seen in person, suggests that the relationship is filling some need for her - attention? distraction from other issues? Perhaps this "relationship" is a symptom of deeper issues. </p>

<p>I would be very careful in dealing with this guy from Texas for no other reason that while I understand that the possible attraction is real, it simply defies a threshold of reasonable behavior, and this guy might be sensing vulnerability in your daughter on some level. </p>

<p>I hate to be cautionary, and I hope I'm never in your position, but something does not add up.</p>

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<p>I may be in the minority here but I think it's time for a serious conversation about what a 24 year old man sees in a 17 year old girl. And why an online relationship is completely nothing like a IRL relationship. The fact that your husband is trying to spend more time with her is definitely a good thing. Perhaps he is the one to have this conversation. This isn't the time to be sensitive, you or he really needs to lay this out for her. When does she turn 18? (Sorry if you posted that and I missed it...is it before or after graduation?)</p>

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<p>hvcgolf and ebeee - believe me, I share your concerns. I understand why any young man would be attracted to her - she's beautiful, smart, confident, and looks mature. She doesn't wear low-cut jeans and t-shirts, but dresses like a stylish young professional (not suits, but well-cut slacks, blouses, nice jackets) so she doesn't look like a teenager. </p>

<p>My big concern with the guy situation is that he is an unknown factor. So we'll meet him, and I will probably do a background check, and then he'll be a known factor. </p>

<p>But my bigger concern is the loss of steam she's experiencing. As shortly ago as a month, she was thrilled to open the mailbox every day and called me with excitement when she got an acceptance. Now, she doesn't even bother to check the mail, and she's found something to dislike about every school she's visited - schools she was thrilled about when we first visited them. I am not yet sure whether the guy is a factor in this change, a symptom of this change, or just coincidentally in the picture while this change is occuring.</p>

<p>She'll be turning 18 at the end of May.</p>

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<p>I agree with ebeeee about the 24 year old's interest in a 17 year old. Big old red flag for me. I would do more than invite him to visit, I would be doing a complete background check. I too have friends I met online that wound up living near me but I am 55, not 17. I may be too cynical but I have a friend who was a state trooper who has told many horror stories about girl teens and men they meet online. I wish you all the best. You are much calmer than I would be.</p>

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<p>What we learned from watching a friend's son go through this (also senior year of HS) was MEET IRL ASAP. This bright young man spent hours every day online with an older woman in Florida and had a whole future planned for himself with her and her child. It was all very moonlight and roses (or possibly beaches and orange blossoms) until he met her. She had, to put it kindly, misrepresented a number of things about herself, chiefly what she looked like. If he had met her as soon as it started to get "serious", a great deal of time and parental angst could have been saved/prevented.</p>

<p>Dear OP, I feel for you. The Internet and romantic relationships can be incredibly addictive. I bet on some level your D feels guilty about spending so much time playing WOW....I know my S feels that way about SoCom and Guitar Hero! I think she needs to tell this man (and he IS a man) immediately that she's 17. If he's on the level, he'll come after her graduation, meet you, and be loving and supportive of what's best for your D. If he's like so many Internet beaux, "something" will happen that prevents him from making the trip. ("Something" being that he's 50, he's married, he's destitute....etc.) If he doesn't show up, something's wrong. Like, really wrong.</p>

<p>You and your D will be in my thoughts. Keep us posted, please.</p>

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<p>Having interviewed PIs and cops before, I agree that a background check is key. You need to know what she is dealing with. Best of luck, this sounds like a tough situation to be in as a parent.</p>