My daughter hates boarding school!

Prep School Admissions
1

<p>I dropped my daughter off at school earlier this week. I thought that things were going well---seemed as if she would fit in with some of the girls from the dorm. However, her roommate is from Taiwan and barely speaks english--so communicating with her was very difficult. I spoke with my daughter once yesterday and things seemed to be going well. </p>

<p>But today, (the first day of school), I have received text messages from her such as : "I hate this school." "School sucks" "I want to go home" "I have no friends and it is just lonely" "I wish I never came here" "This is the worst day of my life"</p>

<p>I feel sick inside reading these texts. I have tried calling her and have also texted messages telling her that I am sorry she is so sad and to please call me. I haven't heard anything back from her, but I am assuming that she is busy with athletic practice right now.</p>

<p>Has anyone else experienced this? I was the one who suggested boarding school to my daughter, but she definitely bought into the idea of attending. However, she is definitely not the typical child that usually post here--the ones that have wanted to attend boarding school for years and begged their parents to send them.... My daughter left a large circle of friends who didn't want her to go to boarding school. No one around here attends boarding school. Her friends (and their parents) keep asking "What did she do wrong?" Right before she left for school, her friends gave her a surprise going away pool party. It was wonderful--there were 51 kids there, DJ, dancing, etc... Very thoughtful, but I think it makes her miss her friends even more now--when she doesn't know a soul and is 900 miles from home.</p>

<p>I know that it is only the second day there (first day of classes), so I am hoping that things will get better. Any suggestions?</p>

2

<p>This is textbook. My D bought into BS 100% and she said everything your D is saying to you now. She even got dismissed from class to go to the nurse so she could cry in her office and curl up in a ball! Our mistake was picking her up and taking her home the first weekend and visiting her the second so she could cry to us in person and we could all cry together! It just refreshed her misery!</p>

<p>The school told us to leave her there and try to keep communications from home to a minimum. (pre-cell phone). They assured us that the first week was misery, second week less misery, and by the end of the third week we'd be lucky to get a phone call! We did as they recommended and they were right. Third week is a charm.</p>

<p>They also told us that she was only ENTIRELY miserable when she was with us or on the phone with us and that most of the time, she was laughing and having fun. For what it's worth, now as a college soph, she says going to BS was the best decision she ever made and she thanks us for making it possible.</p>

<p>Begin the countdown! You only have 19 days left.</p>

3

<p>As a kid who's leaving on Saturday for school for the first time, I think I would want my mum to talk to me and listen to my spiel for a while, be sympathetic (but not blame the school or say stuff like "I'm sorry I sent your there," or "You can leave soon if you really want to,"), and give me some specific suggestions for something that she was quite sure would make me feel happier, even if they were little things. I'd kind of hope that she would have a sort of knowing, reassuring tone (not so much that it sounded pompous, of course) as if she knew something about the school that would kick in later that I didn't. Hope it goes better. :) Oh, and I wouldn't want her to call me a lot, but not ignore me, either.</p>

4

<p>I just noticed you dropped her off "earlier this week" and not yesterday, so you have LESS than 19 days left.</p>

<p>You mentioned she has yet to return your calls or text messages because she must be BUSY! Yay! I would sit on her text messages for a bit and not reply immediately or she will use you as a crutch. It will go against your motherly instincts, but it is really in her best interests. If she can't cry on your shoulder, she'll have to find someone else who just may not be that interested in crying together! They'll have to find something more interesting to do like meet boys, go for a walk, play frisbee, etc! </p>

<p>Also, if she had 51 friends at her going-away party, she'll soon have 51 more! She'll be fine. You just need to buy a big box of kleenex for yourself. :) Hang in there!</p>

5

<p>I think baseballmom's daughter's experience is probably typical of the negative initial reaction. </p>

<p>If you want a second opinion of how she is doing, call the house parent and ask her to watch your D carefully for a day and report back. An experienced house parent will know which kids will get past the issues and which won't.</p>

<p>Getting the issues out in the open (why this school sucks?) might also be helpful, but with that language, I doubt that you will get an analytical answer.</p>

<p>My D initially had a little rough time adjusting to her Korean roommate last year (English wasn't particularly strong here either and her mother (who was there check-in day) only spoke Korean to her and pretty much ignored us. Roommate was a bit absentminded early on (lost 4 room keys in 2 weeks!), which aggravated my D a bit (being asked to leave door unlocked at a new school is a bit unnerving). However, things quickly improved and they are very close (they chose each other again for this year!). You might call them the odd couple as she is very much the jock and her roommate the studious type.</p>

6

<p>I think this is a good reason not to have cell phones. Instant communication is often not a good thing for the sender or the receiver. Of course kids will have these feelings at times, especially in the first few days. She needs to give it time. She may not change her mind in the weeks and months to come but it is too early to judge. Change is often difficult and stressful. </p>

<p>Hang in there, Jennycraig and daughter!</p>

7

<p>RE: 4 lost room keys - I can't imagine the adjustment for some of the foreign students! In addition to the adjustments all our kids make add language difficulties, culture shock, jet lag.</p>

8

<p>Have I experienced this?</p>

<p>YES. </p>

<p>I should show you the text messages I received this summer from S. Oh, no, nevermind...as I re-read your message it looks like you already have them!</p>

<p>The worst time for receiving messages is at lights out when there's nothing else going on in the little ones' heads but the things they let themselves imagine. And for a homesick kid, that's not going to be sugarplum fairies and rainbows.</p>

<p>This is exactly what I was obliquely referring to in the "cell phone at school" thread earlier today by saying that having cell phones is a curse (and a blessing). Text messages are particularly frustrating for a parent because (a) we're not as adept at it; (b) it's a blunt-edged instrument that's not capable of making fine points or conveying nuance; and (c) it's really not designed for dialogue, but for dropping little informational bomblets.</p>

<p>This is so classic. Not just for homesickness, but for parent-child relations. These messages are a way for the child to take a problem and make it yours too. It's a version of the kid who doesn't like being grounded (or not allowed to go unchaperoned with friends to a rock concert) and throws a tantrum. It's sort of a punishment for you. But does that make it a bad decision? Hardly. Do you let the sudden onset of sadness and/or anger force you to reverse months and months of sane thinking and wish you hadn't imposed your rule? Or hadn't supported her and helped guide her to BS?</p>

<ul>
<li>Do NOT provide comfort to her in your responses that you're going to solve things for her. She needs to understand that this is something that she has to deal with and sending a text message to you is NOT dealing with it. Comfort her, but not in a "this is all going to be okay now that mom and dad are on this" way.</li>
</ul>

<p>Do NOT bargain with terrorists or homesick children. REMIND her that there are people at her school who are (a) geographically better situated to assist her; and (b) extremely experienced in helping students deal with the exact feelings she feels overwhelmed by. DEFER TO THE SCHOOL. Encourage her to seek out that support network. Contact them and give them a heads up and take your cues from them as to what you should do and how you should react.</p>

<p>Yes, I've lived this. Once. The people at your D's school have lived through this multiple times for years and years and years. Take your advice from the real pros.</p>

<p>FWIW...it turns out that my S had a blast. When I picked him up I couldn't get him to shut up about what a great time he had this summer and how he wants to do it again. Yet he was sending his text message bombs to me pretty much right up until the end. And the people at the program, who I contacted, said that when they observed him he was having a good time and laughing. It was mainly when he was alone or at night that he started feeling down and overwhelmed...so while your feedback from her is probably 100% negative right now, understand that her daily routine is nowhere close to that stifling. In our case -- which is actually more involved because he did three different programs this past summer -- we concluded that if he had not done those programs, we would be experiencing that behavior (the behavior you're experiencing) during these first weeks of school. It was a fluke that he wound up in those programs and, to our surprise, it gave him a chance to iron things out. And now WE'RE the one counting the days to the first weekend we can get to see him.</p>

<p>There's some ironing your D needs to do to get ready for the party that's just starting. But a wrinkled dress is still very much a dress. She'll do just fine in her slightly wrinkled dress until it all gets smoothed out. You'll do fine, too!</p>

9

<p>Thanks very much for all of your kind words. You are making me feel much better---good to know that others have experienced the same thing. </p>

<p>I just got off the phone with my daughter--who was crying and saying that she hates this school--no one is friendly--full of cliques--says that the upperclassmen told her that they hate the school but only attend because they get a good education and their parents made a committment. She said the worst thing was that she went to the cafeteria and had to sit by herself for 20 minutes while everyone stared at her, until she finally found the 2 girls that she had met in her dorm. She said that she cried in class and that someone (she thinks was a counselor) came up to her to ask if things were okay, but rather than telling him the truth, said that she was just sad about a friend who has cancer (which is true, but that isn't why she was crying). </p>

<p>Yet, while she was on the phone, crying and complaining to me, someone walked up to her and she talked to that person in a friendly, laughing voice--which made me think things can't be that bad, (If she were really upset, I don't think she could just switch moods like that.)</p>

<p>I don't know what to think about the upperclassmen complaining about the school. However, I remember when I was a teenager---I would never have admitted that I liked high school---it just wasn't cool. Maybe she ran into a few kids like that. I don't know. I just wish that she hadn't lied to the counselor and had told him how she really felt. I am sure he could have helped her.</p>

<p>I am counting down the days to week 3! Thanks again!</p>

10

<p>A point about "no bargaining" -- which I think is worth sharing for others who deal with homesick students: Don't set deadlines as in "Well, if you're feeling this badly in a month, then we'll do something at that time."</p>

<p>It is tempting to make that point...because you're confident that by then things will be okay. But the kid is hearing it differently. The message received is that there's now an incentive to remain disaffected and homesick. There's a goal for the child: "Just hang on to this miserable feeling for a month and I'm free!"</p>

<p>I once slipped and told my S, "You're not going to like things here if you come home." He jumped all over that, asking me what I meant by that. He wanted to weigh his options. I had entered a bargaining mode. But I realized this and told him that I didn't know the specifics. Just that it would be tough for him. And that I wasn't going to think about the specifics of the consequences because it would be a waste of my time considering I wasn't going to throw him a lifeline and come get him.</p>

<p>Through my own homesick-parenting experience I've come to realize that this sort of psychology is why people keep saying that it will be disastrous to set firm deadlines for withdrawing our troops from Iraq. The insurgents -- analogous to the homesick child -- will realize that if they can just hold on for a few more months, even it's by a razor thin margin, they will achieve total victory. </p>

<p>Remember: Your homesick child is like an Iraqi insurgent. No bargaining. No deadlines. But if you want to try to win them over with food and money, go for it!</p>

11

<p>On our last visit (end of week 2) to child during the homesickness period, DH pulled her aside and told her that her behavior was embarrassing us! We told her that her tuition had already been paid, she was now at BS just like SHE HAD WANTED for years, and so it was time to buck up!</p>

<p>She was so angry at H (bad cop) that she didn't speak to him for weeks. She did call me (good cop) once in a while so we knew she was fine, but man, was she steamed at both of us! Her anger enabled her to cut the apron strings and form new bonds with some other orphaned children!</p>

12

<p>Give her two weeks and it is probably best to let things settle. As cruel as it may sound, avoid all contact with her for the two weeks save for maybe the weekend. The schools are quite experienced with this sort of stuff. </p>

<p>Our deal with our children is that they are commited for the year. If they decide then that they want to come home so be it. Stay in contact with her house parent and advisor, they'll keep you abreast of what's going on. I feel for you but, hang in there things normally get better.</p>

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<p>I can't agree more with what the other parents are saying-</p>

<p>just keep in close contact with dorm parent, advisor, and ask them to get the proctor or student leader involved.</p>

14

<p>
[quote]
...says that the upperclassmen told her that they hate the school but only attend because they get a good education and their parents made a committment.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Agree 100% with the earlier poster that children complain about their school. They love to whine (even Goaliegirl). They got a new headmaster last year whom she is convinced is the devil reincarnated. And some of the parents even buy into this whining. Granted, he is trying to change some things that are probably not a good idea, but it hardly makes him evil. And quite frankly, he is working against his staff (not to mention the students) which guarantees these changes for failure.</p>

<p>I'm glad you had the opportunity to hear you daughter interact with the other student in a positive manner in the background. You clearly understand that it is not all doom and gloom and I doubt she is in a major depression if she can switch gears that quickly.</p>

<p>I think that she didn't anticipate the tradeoffs that came with going to BS and is looking for someplace other than herself to place her anger. If you hear that BS was YOUR idea, this is part and parcel of that mindset. She needs to accept that this isn't Kansas any more. Oz is full of strange things both good and bad. Once she is through that, she will be happy with her new situation.</p>

<p>Good luck and it sounds like you are adjusting to your D's unexpected reaction very well.</p>

<p>Remember, the dorm parents and advisors are your friends.</p>

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<p>I agree with most everything that has been said, with one caveat -- there are times when a child and a school aren't a good match or a child isn't ready for boarding school. I don't think jennycraig's daughter can know this this soon but I wouldn't want parents or students to think that the decision to attend boarding school is irrevocable if it's not working out. How long it takes to know whether it's an adjustment issue or a truly bad fit depends on the child. How do they deal with change? Have they always attended the same school? Have they never been away from home before? Is there a boyfriend back home (a biggie!)? How long would it take you to adjust to so many changes?</p>

<p>This summer my 11 year old daughter attended sleep away camp for the first time. Everything seemed to be going along fine and then I received a letter from her that said she'd spent the whole day crying and every time she'd stop, she'd start again. I was so upset. Then, in the next letter she was fine again. It turned out that on the day she wrote the first letter they had gone on a field trip and she had ended up sitting alone on the bus -- something that wouldn't have devastated her under normal circumstances but she was far from home, missing us, etc. Change is stressful.</p>

<p>Give it some time jennycraig. I'm betting she'll be fine.</p>

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<p>What's all the fuss?! One is supposed to hate boarding school, in fact the more one hates it while there, the more one will treasure it in the future.</p>

<p>Mark my words.</p>

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<p>jenny...I had just had a random thought this morning while cleaning the kitchen...odd time for your post to enter my head, but oh well. If your daughter had 51 (I believe?) friends at her going away party, you can use this to help reassure her that she will definitely have no problem meeting people at school. (This should reassure you, as well.)</p>

18

<p>My best advice. Go to I-tunes, find Allan Sherman record with the "Camp Grenada" song on it. If you're my age, you know the one I'm talking about, it starts out "Hello Mudda. Hello Fadda. Here I am at Camp Grenada." Download song and listen to it repeatedly.</p>

<p>I think what your daughter is experiencing is pretty typical for a lot of kids, and perfectly understandable. She's going from a situation where she had 50+ friends, to one where she doesn't know anyone. That will definitely change over the next few weeks. Living with her classmates 24/7 she will get to know them better and form stronger friendships than she ever had at home. You both just have to hang in there a couple of more weeks.</p>

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<p>Cry now, laugh later...</p>

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<p>Jenny, what school is your daughter attending?</p>