My New Roommate Thinks Her BF Will Live With Us. How Do I Address This?

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>I've been in college 3 years and have not had any problems with any of my roommates--except that two of them thought it would be alright for their boyfriends to live with us, too.</p>

<p>I'm not letting it happen again. It would be one thing if we were renting a house/apartment off campus and we could make rental arrangements, but I'm living on campus and overnight guests technically aren't even allowed, let alone those on extended stay. Furthermore, the boyfriend doesn't have to pay rent or utilities! If I have to share the bathroom, kitchen, and living area with another person, I expect to be compensated for it.</p>

<p>But obviously that's not going to happen. I found out about this, for the record, from a good friend who was her roommate last year. My friend didn't speak up. I'm going to. I'll only be on campus for one more semester, after all, and I'm not afraid of the girl thinking I'm a ***** or anything else. </p>

<p>So how do I address the issue? Should I bring it up before we even move in together in August? Should I friend her on Facebook and bring it up? Thoughts?</p>

<p>Furthermore, any advice on how I should NOT address the issue?</p>

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<p>Is she expecting him to live there (as in, not have a place of his own at any point) or just hang out there/spend the night a lot?</p>

3

<p>I would think you should address her asap. Letting her know right before school obviously would be an issue.</p>

<p>I don’t have a facebook and I am not sure about what is considered “ok” on it, but I would think an email or something a little more formal would be in order.</p>

<p>Be nice but stand firm. You are completely right in not letting this happen.</p>

4

<p>@Rox: hang out/spend the night a lot. He’ll have his own dorm room as he’s also a college student, so my dorm technically won’t be his full-time residence.</p>

5

<p>I think you’ll just pretty much have to deal with them having sex all the time. If he has his own room he shouldn’t really be using your utilities. You may wake up to a naked man walking around your dorm a few times but that’s life.</p>

<ul>
<li>The Gracken</li>
</ul>

6

<p>Yeah, you can’t say he can’t just hang out a lot. Are you guys sharing a room? You might have some leeway over sleepovers and stuff if you are, but otherwise that’s pretty much par for the course when roommates have boyfriends, sorry. You can ask them to go over to his place sometimes though.</p>

7

<p>RoxSox: But I can say he can’t spend the night. That’s also what the college says, and what our contract will say. Personally, I’ve typically had someone sleep over maybe twice a semester for no more than a weekend, and I have no problem with roommates who isolate it to no more than every other weekend or something similar. To clarify, I could care less about daytime visitation so long as he is cleaning up after himself and eating only his GFs food. In my experience (including pre-college roommates), overnight visitation is where the lines blur and things get nasty–the BF expects to shower at your place, eat at your place, keep stuff at your place, etc. Therefore if yet again I have a roommate trying to abuse the privilege, I’m going to do something about it, though I’d rather nip it in the bud before it even escalates to that point. </p>

<p>I just need to figure out how to bring it up with her considering I’ve never even talked to her and she might get…idk…creeped out or something if I immediately bring up the fact that A. she has a boyfriend. B. I know she’ll want to let him stay over all the time. and C. I’m not going to let it fly. </p>

<p>As for the whole having sex thing, I don’t care about that as long as, obviously, it’s confined to their room. This will be only my second semester of having my own room in an apartment rather than having a shared room, and even when it was a shared room my roommate and I had boundaries as well a mutual understanding when it came to the opposite sex; I’ve had boyfriends, friends with benefits, etc, and was respectful of my one respectful roommate because it was mutual. What happens in my roommate’s bedroom is her business. That said, I’m done with the whole trying-to-get-ready-for-work-but-waiting-for-Mr. Freeloader-to-get-out-of-the-now-dirtier-shower thing, as well as similar situations you can imagine. </p>

<p>Greg: utilities are included in our rent, as is ONE shower, ONE toilet, ONE fridge, and so on that will be, under contract, meant to be shared by THREE people, not four.</p>

<p>I have two options: be the victim or do something about it.</p>

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<p>Yeah, but your roommate is going to resent you if you say he can’t spend the night, especially if you guys aren’t sharing a room. If you all have your own rooms, and he keeps his stuff in her room and only eats her food, you are going to look like a buzzkill. If you are okay with looking that way, that’s totally fine, but you will be the bad guy, and I don’t think you can get around that.</p>

<p>And wait, so utilities are included in rent, meaning that they won’t go up if he uses them? Then why do you care? Yes, he might get some things for free, but it’s not like it would seem to hurt you in any way, unless I’m misunderstanding the situation. Plus if he has his own room, also on campus in the same situation (though he may not be), he pays for his utilities too - even though he may not use them. It’s all money going to the same place. </p>

<p>I personally wouldn’t care if my roommate’s boyfriend slept over all the time, next year I know my roommate’s boyfriend will probably pretty much live in my apartment. He’s a nice guy so I don’t really mind though, and I already know him and such, so I’ll admit it’s a tad different.</p>

<p>I don’t know though, if you specifically say something before there’s any problem whatsoever and you won’t let him sleep over in a manner that is consistent with couples, you’re going to look like a b**** and overly restrictive (especially if you approach it before you guys even move in) and they’ll probably be fighting you every step of the way - think him not being there when you go to bed, but there in the morning, etc. I dunno…I feel like it’s not that big of a deal and I wouldn’t care, I wouldn’t want to hurt my relationship with my roommate that much so early on.</p>

9

<p>If you’re not sharing a room and they aren’t literally living with you then you’re going to have a real tough time garnering support from anyone. It’s her room, live your own life and stop worrying about other people.</p>

<p>Seriously, you never see guys whining about this stuff, especially before its even a problem. Be more like a guy.</p>

<p>edit: You sound sort of like the girl that wanted to build the Room Divider Box Thing. Are you the girl that wanted to build the Rom Divider Box Thing?</p>

10

<p>Yeah, I already know this probably won’t turn out so well (assuming all of the stories my friend is telling me are true, and that these two really are as nasty and disrespectful as she makes them sound), hence my attitude about it only being 4 months, my last 4 months. </p>

<p>Regarding the whole utilities thing, yeah, he’s paying his share to the big man, too. But it goes without saying that it’s for his apartment/dorm/whatever-he-has, not mine and my roommates’. It’s more of a space issue, not a utilities issue. On several occasions I had roommates that were never home, and it was awesome! You could clearly tell the difference. In situations like this, it’s the exact opposite–you not only have the roommate, but an extra person. 4 people in a 400sf apartment isn’t exactly luxurious, especially considering three of us are paying $500/ea a month for it on campus.</p>

<p>I’d imagine that they won’t be too happy with me unless I do absolutely nothing. I figured I would give it, I don’t know, maybe a month, and if it gets out of control (my friend said she witnessed him shooting snot from his nose at the bathroom wall, that they overtook the living room with his belongings , that he always ate there but never did dishes or anything, and that he brought a dog into the dorm, which goes against the lease, to name a few things) go from there. </p>

<p>If it escalates into the scenarios described above, that’s not ok. Period. I don’t mean to put all my eggs in this negative basket, so to speak, but one of my best friends is telling me all of these things and it has me a bit freaked out. She sure as heck wasn’t happy when she was telling me about it, nevermind the story where her BF came in from out of town and stayed 4 days, and on the last day the roommate in question had a b*tch fit. I get that I’m only getting one side of the story, but still…</p>

<p>But anyway, I’m just trying to be prepared, I guess. My friends are telling me to bring it up before I even move in, but I don’t even know how I ought to approach that without coming off strange. </p>

<p>Chuy: no? I posted this question on another site and they suggested I sign up here since this was a “good forum for college kids.” I don’t know what any of that has to do with a box or room divider. I did build a canopy for my dorm bed that was published on another website, if that’s what your thinking (White Trash Repairs–look up PVC canopy since the rules say I can’t post a link here), but never posted about it here.</p>

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<p>I certainly think it is relevant if an apartment mate has a boyfriend that she expects is going to be pretty much living there. My son lives in an apartment where two of the students have live ins, and, yest, it is two extra people who are sharing the quarters, using the single bathroom, having their own eccentricities and needing to be tolerated. </p>

<p>If you want to keep this on neutral ground, let the university know and ask if someone in residential life can address the whole bunch of you sharing the apartment (officially) and reiterating the university rules on residential life and that this is being done due to the situation being out of control for some students in these apartments. No direct remarks need to be made, but after the talk, you and other apt mates can say, "Well, we aren’t going to be that strict, but we need to know what the situation is with boyfriends here, and lay down some ground rules so it doesn’t come down to the housing office having to get involved here. No overnights on school nights without getting everyone’s consent and keep it minimal. " That way you are easing up on the rules instead of laying them down to someone else which keeps resentment levels down.</p>

12

<p>Thanks, cptofthehouse! Definitely helpful. :)</p>

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<p>alamosa-You sit the two lovebirds and other roommates down for a talk and say:
I am very OCD about my food.
I get upset if anyone eats it so please don’t.
My food will be on the bottom shelf and I don’t like to share.</p>

<p>Second, I expect bfs and other guests to treat the roommates with respect-clean up after yourself, put away and wash dirty dishes, no stacking in the sink,don’t bring strangers here unless a roommate is with you, don’t go into my room, don’t borrow any of my stuff.
Last, I’ve been burned by past roommates so that is why I’m so OCD about my living situation and I wanted to clear the air before things get out of hand.
Thanks for listening and I hoping we can get along.</p>

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<p>Well, all I eat is rice, chicken, and veggies as I have a $75 a month budget and a strict diet and refuse to get state/federal assistance. So yeah, what’s mine is mine lol. Regarding dishes, all I have is a rice cooker, 4 bowls, 2 cups, and some silverware, and I wash my dishes as I use them, so that of course helps when it comes to doing dishes and not dealing with the “you used that pan! No, you did!” and “your pans are in the sink. No, yours are!” crap I witnessed with my friends. Thus far, I’ve never had any issues regarding dishes and food, despite the boyfriend BS, so that’s not too big a concern despite your “OCD” comment, lol. Anyway, thanks. :)</p>

15

<p>You know, it sounds like she is not going to be a good roommate no matter what you say or do. Personally, I wold make another choice, and fast. I don’t think you are OCD, but I think they sound like exceptionally inconsiderate people. Don’t set yourself up by thinking you can change them - you are going to be frustrated. </p>

<p>I have not had a roommate that I am not married to for a long time, but I can still remember some tough ones. Most were great, but a bad roommate really is miserable, and typically negotiating only works with people who are basically respectful. This girl does not qualify.</p>

16

<p><strong>EDIT</strong></p>

<p>I spoke to another friend of mine who has also had her as a roommate. Her bf WILL NOT have his own residence–he will just bum off of her!! Here’s all of what she said in a message on FB:</p>

<p>"Well to beyond blunt and honest with you, Shes disgusting. The only reason that i didnt move out when i moved in with her, is because i had already moved twice that year. So i didnt feel like packing all my stuff again and moving once again. </p>

<p>And Bernita was right, i wasnt about to put up with all their *****<strong><em>. She didnt do her dishes, the Bf, Anthony, would wipe his boogers on the wall, leave his shoes in the kitchen, and they would never and i mean NEVER clean the place. I flipped out on them, called them out, and they started to clean. It was good for a little while then *</em></strong> started to hit the fan again. I still didnt feel like moveing because there was only a couple months left. </p>

<p>Jade as a person, is a very lovely person. She really is. Very nice and mild manored. But! her as a roommate is hell on earth. If you end up living with her, i would suggest that, the VERY first week of school, set down some ground rules. Who is cleaning what and what week or how often, other wise she wont do it. As for Anthony, he start to kiss my ass because his living situation was in my hands. He doesnt have a place to live. He wasnt living off campus or on campus, he was bumming off of Jade. So, i told him that i really didnt mine him living there, if he would just freaken clean every once and while. So, he started to. </p>

<p>So like i said, shes a nightmare really when it gets down to it. But as a person she is nice. So, like i said, i would set down some rules."</p>

17

<p>That changes the situation completely.</p>

<p>You can confront her about this right away. Maybe just a facebook message along the lines of: Hey, some friends mentioned that your boyfriend will also be living with us and not have his own place. Is this true? </p>

<p>Then just go from there. Maybe include the third roommate on the message. If he does not have a place of his own it seems only fair that he should somehow kick back to the roommates who are paying. (Off the books of course) Like 150 to each of you or something similar.
Of course you could go the other route, report him, and be the *****, but not have to deal with him.</p>

18

<p>I’ve posted before so I’ll chime in since you’ve found out that he will be a roommate whether you like it or not.
Find another place to live.
If you don’t, at least you know what you are getting yourself into.
Tell Jade you did not expect her bf to be living full time in the apt and you want out of the apt.
Because of the way she and the bf have treated other roommates in the past, it is a deal breaker.</p>

19

<p>“You can confront her about this right away. Maybe just a facebook message along the lines of: Hey, some friends mentioned that your boyfriend will also be living with us and not have his own place. Is this true?”</p>

<p>Perfect! Thank you! That sounds rather obvious in hindsight, but I certainly didn’t think to say things in that manner so thanks!!</p>

20

<p>“I’ve posted before so I’ll chime in since you’ve found out that he will be a roommate whether you like it or not.
Find another place to live.
If you don’t, at least you know what you are getting yourself into.
Tell Jade you did not expect her bf to be living full time in the apt and you want out of the apt.
Because of the way she and the bf have treated other roommates in the past, it is a deal breaker.”</p>

<p>I’ll go ahead and get my written response from her (Facebook) and assuming she’s upfront about it, I’ll take it to housing and see what can be done.</p>