<p>FERPA laws would allow the mother to get her kid’s academic record because she is still a dependent for tax filing purpose, and she is paying for her bills. Just go to the gov education web site, it’s clearly stated there. </p>
<p><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<</p>
<p>Where does it say that? Colleges (and doctors) clearly tell parents that they can’t get their adult kids grades or medical info without the adult student’s permission - even if the parents are paying. </p>
<p>The Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA) is a federal law that gives parents the right to have access to their children’s education records, the right to seek to have the records amended, and the right to have some control over the disclosure of personally identifiable information from the education records. When a student turns 18 years old, or enters a postsecondary institution at any age, the rights under FERPA transfer from the parents to the student. .</p>
<p>kantianethicist, I just wanted to thank you for that post; my mother was quite a bit like that before I’d say my junior or senior year. She too was very overprotective about letting me touch anything in the house, which used to kill me because I always felt she thought I was too stupid to do anything by myself. She also was more overprotective with friends than most (though not nearly as bad), and was truly hurt when my aunt told her what I’d never had to courage to tell her for years: that was she was part of the reason I was so lonely. Although our relationship isn’t even close to perfect, I’d say its improved a lot since then, which just goes to show people can change for the better as long as they’re not completely indifferent to constructive criticism. Perhaps that’s what the OP’s mother could use now, from a trusted adult friend or family member.</p>
<p>I would hate to think that someone would tell my daughter to join the military when they don’t know the story from the parents perspective. Read the part of the OP’s post where she said in highschool she was not allowed to text while in class. That sent a red flag up that there was more to this. Two other things the OP mentioned were that she could not go out on Sunday because it was a church day and that she had a bedtime while in highschool. Is it possible that the parents value Sunday as their Sabbath and wanted to hold to those family values and that the “bedtime” was their way of encouraging their highschool kid to get a good night sleep. I still think we are only getting the young ladies point of view. I also think that the OP has in some way made her mom feel like she is not doing the right thing. I don’t know about you but when a kid says she is just about ready to leave school and go to a community college just so she can get away from her mothers control tells me she may be using her mom as her excuse because she is either unhappy at school or not as successful in school as she would like. Her mother is over two hours away from her so how the heck could she control her. I do not think it would be so awful for this kid to call her mother even if it is two times a day. Big deal…I get calls from my kids prior to work asking if I could deposit money on their debits because their funds are low…and I make sure I get to the bank. What about all the times we as parents drop everything and do for our kids? Why can’t the kids understand that if all it takes are some phone calls and the appearance of decent behavior to make us happy then just do it. I would bet that if she did it this semester and than presented decent grades to her mom the phone calls could start to decrease and the control issues will start to fade. Maybe I am missing something here but the only stuff that seems weird to me is the mother wanting to call professors. I have a feeling that the mom only said that in anger as the result of something the daughter may have said. The whole thing seems kind of odd to me.</p>
<p>But the phone calls are not just to talk about the weather. It’s about the mom nagging and controlling what the OP can do, must do , must not do, how to spend the money she’s earned, etc… These are not innocuous phone calls. The mom is also totally inappropriate about calling the RA, the roommates, the friends on facebook. The mom just does not know what “appropriate boundaries” means.</p>
<p>FERPA does allow parents to see their students’ grades if the students give permission. And I’ll bet that the mom secured her D’s permission to see the grades. I do not think, however, that it gives the mom the right to call profs to ask for the grades. It just means that the mom can be given a copy of the transcript–whenever it is made available, which may not be until well after the academic year has ended.
If the mom calls the profs, it is counterproductive. The prof’s irritation at being badgered may have a negative impact on their relationships with her D–at least that is an argument that can be made to get her to back off. Same thing about the mom harassing the RA and roommates. It may affect her D’s relationships with people she interacts with on a daily basis.
The mom clearly loves her D. She is just behaving in an inappropriate way. Perhaps the D can make that argument. I have the feeling that the mom must be from another culture and the D is the first to be going to college and not living at home while doing so.</p>
<p>I totally agree that the mom MUST NOT call professors or the roommates looking for her daughter. However, I must admit that after receiving an e-mail from my dd school about a “brutal rape” outside of one of the party houses my daughter frequented, I called my daughter. When I could not reach her for three hours I did call one of her friends. No one knew where my girl was and I called the police. By that time my daughter was not seen or heard from for hours. What precipitated that call to the police? The e-mail and the events that had occured already. All I am trying to say is that any mother could look like a nut at some point, but sometimes our kids could do that to us. Is it wrong? Yes, but maybe when they are parents they will do it perfectly.</p>
<p>Mythmom, I agree with you. OP your posts have given me great pause today. Like you, I had a controlling mother who threatened not to pay my tuition the week before school started. (To this day, I can’t even remember what the argument/disagreement was about). I’m a mother now. Am I controlling? My DC says yes, sometimes. </p>
<p>Have I loved my DC, as your mother loves you? Yes, without hesitation. Have I acted inappropriately as a mother? Yes. Have I been mean? On some occasions, yes. Have I been a good mother? I’d give myself a “B”. As I was driving today, with heart breaking at the thought of my DC going to college next year, I felt your mother’s pain. </p>
<p>She wants to be near you. She is afraid of losing you. At the same time I feel your frustration. You’ve put up with too much. HOWEVER, I agree with the posters who recommend counselling and who also recommend that you reach to your mother in love. Two calls or two texts a day, won’t kill you. Don’t let her overreach on the other fronts: Facebook, etc. But accept her love (however badly offered) for what it is. </p>
<p>She came through for you and you are in the college of your choice. You are in fact separated, as other posters have pointed out. The calls or texts seem a small thing to do, which can be phased out, with time and patience.</p>
<p>Mommathree. You were not wrong, but the situation was exceptional. Anyone reading about a horrendous situation would want to know that their child was safe. It is not at all analogous with the situation the OP is describing.</p>
<p>Being a mom of 2 college kids is not any credential that will make you an expert to give out such an advice. As you can see OP is also a college going student of a mom about whom the discussion is about.</p>
<p>Since it seem you have the habit of tagging someone dysfunctional or psychic just because the person behaves different shows how immature you are. You really need a lesson in real life.</p>
<p>As coming to my stating that DD is not allowed means she is not allowed to disrespect her mom. As a legal binding citizen of the country you are not allowed to commit crime against other human.</p>
<p>That is the norm in the family. I respect DD freedom and in return expect that DD respect her mom wishes. </p>
<p>There is nothing wrong in it. If you think there is something wrong then you again need lessons in real life.</p>
<p>So please grow up it seems raising two kids have not taught you any real life skills.</p>
<p>As I’ve said before that just having different value from conservative doesn’t make someone liberal. Similarly just being different from OP mom or DW doesn’t make your behavior is the right behavior.</p>
<p>Your values/norms can be different from OP mom or DW but you can’t tagged those norm wrong.</p>
<p>If you do that shows how conservative you are and there is no difference between you and OP mom.</p>
<p>The “problem” with this type of parental behavior is that it suffocates the child and does not allow the child to grow and mature in a healthy way. While it is true that we do not “know” the whole story, those of us who have experienced the difficulties of being smothered by a mother’s “love” to a pathological degree do know that it has negative effects on the child’s psyche.</p>
<p>It is a parent’s job to nurture and care for the child and that does mean different things to different people. But the point of teaching your children right from wrong and helping them to develop critical thinking skills is so that they can stand on their own two feet as adults. And growing into adulthood is a gradual process that requires practicing these skills. Will they ever learn to walk if you never let go of their hands? At some point you have to let go. If you don’t it says that you don’t trust them and they are not capable. If you don’t trust them to this degree, they may eventually give you reason not to. It’s a slippery slope.</p>
<p>Taken individually the OP’s mom’s “quirks” may appear reasonable to some, but collectively they signal an unreasonable and controlling personality–one that is headed down a dangerous path. She will lose her daughter if she does not respond positively to the D’s desire to negotiate a compromise at Thanksgiving. I, for one, am holding out hope that they can come together and work towards improving things between them. (That never happened for me and my mother. As much as I tried as an adult to make things better, it was too late–damage done.) I really hope since the OP is still young that they can resolve their differences and her mom can get some clarity about what she is doing.</p>
<p>I have been doubled up with laughter at some of the posts on this thread. I will always remember this as the thread where I learned about the “thirty minute time window”!!</p>
<p>Now on a serious note to OP: I read your posts again just now. It really sounds like you are at your wits’ end. You describe yourself as being so sad throughout junior high and high school, and were looking forward to college as a chance to finally get some freedom. And now this- your mom wants to continue to control your life, and if you let her, it will be even harder to break free later. I think you are doing the right thing, to explore your options. </p>
<p>Getting that relative to co-sign some loans may not be such a bad option. The banks will only want you to pay them a certain percentage in interest. Your mom will extract much more out of you. If the loans can buy you freedom, they may be worth it. Good luck!!</p>
<p>ETA: This is a parents’ forum so the tendency is to be gentle on the parent. </p>
<p>If someone had posted about a very similarly toxic relationship but instead of a controlling mother it was a controlling husband or boyfriend, you would probably have a chorus of “end this relationship right now”. True, you can go get another husband or boyfriend and you can’t get another mother, so there is a point there. But still, I think you need to break free from this toxic pattern and then, later, perhaps years later, reconnect with your mother as an equal.</p>
<p>Re: FERPA. Yes, the fine print says that colleges “MAY allow parents to have access…” My large state school has the policy that without authorization from the student, we will only release financial aid info to the FAFSA parent of record. Period. No grades. No health. Not even bills. (Of course in a medical emergency, student health services will contact the Emergency Contact the student submitted.)
My kids attend a different school in the same system. Their school handles privacy by assigning parents their own accounts. Students electronically give permission for parents to view various areas and levels of information through the electronic accounts. NO information is given by phone, in person, or by email.</p>
<p>I encourage OP to visit her school’s health center and ask to meet with a counselor, both for help with her anxiety and to create a plan for establishing a reasonable relationship with her family.</p>
<p>Lol. This reminded me of and episode of this lawyer show called Century City (it’s on hulu, check it out) where the premise is it’s 2030 and there’s this child tracking program that lets parents see the child through video anywhere, anytime. And the child sued her parents and the judge ordered the surveillance turned off.</p>
<p>The problem is that people think making other aware of your whereabouts is invasion of privacy but use twitter/facebook and open their private information to everyone.
It is just state of mind and not all people are intelligent enough to realize what is good for them and what is not especially the college going ones.</p>
<p>When you are out partying then there is no privacy and it is a public information. Now who you want should know this information, a rapist, or your parent.</p>
<p>But people actually put up information on FB fan page for a party declaring to the whole rapist world that they will be at this party but will hide it from parent.</p>
<p>But I won’t just blame college students, the us govt. has a travel website where you can add your information prior to international travel but most people don’t want govt. to know that they are traveling. It makes more sense to let the govt. know that you are traveling as the people who should not be knowing already knows that you are traveling but the one (govt.) that can help you in case of problem overseas you don’t want to tell.</p>
<p>So go figure. Intelligent children will let their parent know about the parties they attend so that they have a back up. Similarly intelligent adult will let the govt. know of their international travel so that they also have a backup plan.</p>
<p>It is common sense some have it some don’t.</p>
<p>I said it wasn’t normal and I don’t have a “habit” of tagging people as anything. LOL </p>
<p>If you can get a **verifiable ** professional therapist to come on this board and read what has been written and declare this all as normal, I’ll apologize. But, I’ve already shown this thread to my sister who is a therapist and she says it isn’t. </p>
<p>I think you’re getting your posts confused. I never said anything about liberal or conservative in this thread.</p>
<p>I disagree with this. Strongly. Are you okay with cops strip-searching you for no reason at all, anywhere outside your house? What if they did it in the middle of the Street? We still legally have the right to privacy even in public. Go read Griswold v. Connecticut. It’s there, somewhere in the “penumbras and emanations” of the constitution. What you’re proposing is a dangerous proposition.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>How many phone calls do you think that would last before the drill sergeant tells her to **** off? I suspect very few.</p>
<p>If someone had posted about a very similarly toxic relationship but instead of a controlling mother it was a controlling husband or boyfriend, you would probably have a chorus of “end this relationship right now”. True, you can go get another husband or boyfriend and you can’t get another mother, so there is a point there. But still, I think you need to break free from this toxic pattern and then, later, perhaps years later, reconnect with your mother as an equal.</p>
<hr>
<p>True, but the OP, for her continued growth NEEDS a college education. Yes, she can get it, perhaps from other sources, but as other posters have pointed out, those choices offer hard long roads, often fraught with peril. Making two calls a day in order to stay in college, seems a much better option. Like Kantianethicist, I too was driven away by my mother’s toxicity. BUT, I got my college education by putting up with her, and this by far, was the best route. OP, your mom can keep you on a “string” with the lure of momey. Dislike this obnoxious control, but all the while keeping in the back of your mind that you are in complete control. This is a deal that you make with yourself, for yourself. When you no longer need that money, you can decide then what is in your best interest. </p>
<p>All of the posts here are insightful. You have thoughts from different points of view. You have many people who care that you get a feeling of control, emotional stability and a college education. Good luck. This is a problem, but you are clearly up to it.</p>
EXCELLENT point, vicariousparent! Controlling is controlling is controlling. Legally, the OP is an adult. Yes, she’s financially dependent on her parents, as many college-going young adults are. Doesn’t mean she should still have to report in to her parents (twice a day!) as if it’s her job. The mother’s expectations are inappropriate. Time for her to learn where she leaves off and her daughter begins. If she truly is mentally ill or has a personality disorder, she may not be able to learn this, which places an unfair burden on the OP. It’s sad that her parents’ support of her college education, which is such an important investment in their own child’s future, should be dependent on her tolerating this level of control.</p>
<p>I have 3 ds, 2 of whom are now financially independent. They choose to call me several times a week. I still have the ear of each about life decisions, security issues, financial matters, etc. - because I have worked to create nurturing relationships with them, wherein they feel respected and valued as adults. I can’t make life decisions for them, nor would I want to - but they’ll hear what I have to say and weigh it. I don’t have to buy their time or attention through financial control. We’ve reached this point because we’ve spent a lifetime negotiating relationships of mutual respect. When they pushed back, I realized I’d been pushing too hard. When they varied from what I’d thought had been the master plan, I learned to re-examine the plan. </p>
<p>POIH, I’m sure that you and your wife love your d very much. I must say, though, how very glad I am that my own parents never embraced, nor even considered, your beliefs about what constitutes the appropriate treatment of young adults. Point of view is everything, isn’t it? You see common sense in post 155, but I see something different.</p>