My over-controlling mother is out of control

Parents Forum
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<p>nngm, ditto on the well said.</p>

<p>My take is that different personalities have different views on this type of situation and how they would deal with them. I don’t require DD to call me twice daily but sometimes she does…does that mean either of us has a problem? We’re both happy, we just happen to be close.</p>

<p>Letting go is harder for some parents than others. Your mother being so controlling may be partly because her personality type is very different from yours. I’m the list maker in my family and I like things taken care of. DD is way laid back and a great procrastinator…sets us up for conflict sometimes but we’ve learned how to manage each other. My daughter’s freshman year was hard for me because I missed her. Now I enjoy my time without her but I’m happy to have her come home (and somewhat happy in a different way to have my space back now when she leaves!).</p>

<p>Your mom let you go out of state so that’s a huge step. She hasn’t figured out yet how to deal with not having you home. Help her find little compromises that make your life easier too. Text frequently (how long does that take?) when you get a grade so she know’s your doing well, if you see something that makes you laugh, little things to make her feel close to you. Email her pictures of you with your friends…my daughter emails me a cute “roomie pic” every now and then.</p>

<p>My parents were (and still try to be sometimes) controlling. I’ve learned how to balance being a responsible daughter with staying in touch and giving them the level of info <em>I’m</em> comfortable with.</p>

<p>At the end of the day, find what’s comfortable to you as far as keeping in touch with mom. Find what will let you sleep at night knowing that if something happened to mom, you’d be okay with yourself and <em>your</em> actions. Because as you said, you know she loves you. Try to help her find a comfort level that may be less than what she wants but something you can live with. It gets easier I think after freshman year. Study hard, keep your grades up, don’t give her a reason to doubt how well you can manage your freedom.</p>

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<p>Take it from my second daughter when I suggested to her I would contact her teacher regarding the fact that she’s sick, she may not be able turn in lab tomorrow. She said “Mom, I’m in high school, let me deal with it.” You should negotiate and set your mom’s expectation.</p>

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<p>I agree with nngm, post # 117: “If you take the emotions out of it, you will find this much less overbearing.”
Keep your grades up and your mom at a distance. Get the 2 phone calls changed to text or email and you will have no real contact with her on a daily basis. If she tries to contact you professors, a dean can explain to her that this is not even legal. You are much more free than you seem to think. She really cannot control you at college.</p>

<p>You are having some trouble articulating the exact nature of the problem. “I was at a sleepover at a friend’s house, she called me at 12:30 at night, telling me she was parked outside and that I was coming home.” Did she explain why?? This in itself is neither crazy or normal behavior unless we are given the reason for her actions.</p>

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<p>Supposing the OP DID give her mother her professor’s numbers . . . Would the professors tell her to stop it when she rang up and fob her off? Is there any professor the OP is close to who might agree to participate in a “set-up”? Maybe then the mother would realize she is over the top.</p>

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<p>The saddest thing is that controlling people are fraught with fears and insecurities, which you can not fix. Control freaks think they are helping when in reality they hinder and eventually drive away the people they love. Unfortunately for you, unless you are self-supporting you are limited in your demands. You could try to get a scholarship (look at ROTC) and a part-time job so that you could be independent or you can simmer until you graduate and get a regular job. I really hope you learn to handle her or you may find that she destroys any future romantic relationships you may have.</p>

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<p>Hugs to you, kantianethicist.</p>

<p>Here’s a true-to-life story about a friend of mine. Her mom intruded in her childhood to the point that this girl had very few school friends. She admitted that her mom broke up friendships. This friend of mine, as a successful degreed professional and homeowner, caught her mom (who has a key to friend’s house) reading her private letters, US mail, which was set aside on her end table. On another occasion the mom hid an inexpensive item I gave the friend, apparently in an effort to reduce my influence.</p>

<p>I’d have told the mom where to go looong before it got this point, but my friend is compliant. She has a brother. No doubt there were many issues before this, but the last straw for the brother was when the mom didn’t approve of the brother’s girlfriend. The brother dropped out of college, married the girl, had kids, and throughout the remainder of the courtship, marriage, and grandkids the mom refused contact with the brother and his family. The mom insisted that my friend also not see the brother, causing immense stress for her, and many wasted hours of my own life while I listened and counseled action instead of inaction.</p>

<p>Many years later her dad had a mortal health crisis, and to help him heal the mom finally resumed contact with this family. This was after the grand kids were well into school.</p>

<p>So… for those of you who don’t think that there are controlling moms just this crazy, think again (and thank heaven you don’t have one in your family).</p>

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<p>OP, you are feeling angry and invaded because you haven’t been able to set boundaries with your mom, and for good reason, as she currently has all the power in the relationship. There have been some good suggestions here as to how you can lovingly claim some power of your own and set reasonable boundaries. Getting the help of the counseling office is great advice, as you’re not the only student to encounter this problem. Learning to set boundaries and communicate clearly but kindly are important lessons when growing up. Those skills will help you with all your interpersonal dealings, not just with your mom.</p>

<p>POIH, your DD has been doing just those things with her mom, but she’s had your help to do it. The OP’s father hasn’t been willing to act as mediator, as you have. I’m sure that you don’t see your child as a stock broker and your DW as a difficult client. They are the people you love most, at odds over the direction that their relationship should take. They are both fortunate to have your support.</p>

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<p>POIH, I’m 53 and I grew up aloooong time ago. And yes, I can generalize with the best of them. I’m a marketing manager…we generalize all the time. Too bad the OP can’t schedule an automated text message to be sent out twice daily “Hi mom, I’m fine, talk to you later.” I feel sad for the D, but I feel more sad for the mom. Clearly the mom is having trouble letting her bird fly from the nest and has some major control issues. OP you are coping extremely well. I do think it might help you to talk to the dean of students. You are entitled to privacy under the current law so talking to the dean might help reassure you about your basic privacy rights. The dean of students (or whatever it is called in your school) can also give you guidance and help you with the roommates and RAs if your mom tries to get to you through them. It might also be good for the Dean to understand the situation so the RA can be counseled how to handle any future phone calls from your mother. Good luck! We know a woman much like your mom and unfortunately she managed to estrange her kids and now (post college) they do not have a relationship with her and her husband divorced her when the kids left for college. She would not listen to any of us when we tried to talk to her gently about giving her kids some breathing room. She thought she was the best parent and we were all raising hooligans. Try not to let this get to the point that you can’t maintain some relationship with your mom, you sound very grounded so I expect that won’t happen but do reach out here or through your school when you reach a point where you need to vent.</p>

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<p>The OP’s mother does sound very over-controlling but it’s not helpful to her to debate whether her behavior is in the range of normal to extreme. What’s at stake here is her mental, now and in the future. HER perceptions are what matter here, and the fact that this relationship is causing depression is worrisome. </p>

<p>But— this is where the old chestnut about ‘you can’t control others’ behavior, only your own (and your reactions)’ is really true. OP, you are probably so conditioned to reactive reflexively to your mother’s outrageous demands that anything she demands or asks of you triggers a ‘fight or flight’ response. You’ve got to learn some coping mechanisms! Go talk to a therapist, learn meditation, do some deep breathing exercises. Try them all.
Just learn to pause before your reaction.</p>

<p>This will help you in your conversation with your mother over Thanksgiving. Others have given you good practical advice, so all I can add is not to do anything rash (like actually joing ROTC). Just keep telling yourself that you really have only 3 1/2 more years of this. After college, you will truly be able to choose the terms of your relationship.</p>

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<p>I have just read this thread. I agree with posters that the mother has serious issues. A controlling, blackmailing parent is very difficult to deal with.</p>

<p>OP: You have my sympathies.</p>

<p>On the other hand, I do think we can have some compassion for the mother. I can truly understand this level of anxiety.</p>

<p>I think our current cultural expectations for parents very difficult for some of us. I know they are for me.</p>

<p>On the one hand, we, particularly mothers, are supposed to put our children at the center of our lives, make extreme sacrifices of time and money so they can succeed.</p>

<p>This is supposed to continue throughout college.</p>

<p>On the other hand, once the child gets to college the relationship should continue according to the child’s needs and desires. The parent should be all suffering and exist just to nurture the child.</p>

<p>I don’t think this is the model of a reciprocal human relationship.</p>

<p>Have we no sympathy for the extreme anxiety this mother experiences? Probably completely uncontrollable. Yes, there really isn’t anything her daughter can do to alleviate it, but we parents could extend the woman some compassion.</p>

<p>Is a five minute text or phone call so much for a child to provide?</p>

<p>It could be viewed as a minor annoyance.</p>

<p>Certainly the mother must be made aware that the child cannot always comply because of circumstance or just because she is in a bad mood. However, it’s not SUCH an odious demand.</p>

<p>Let me be clear. I don’t demand this of my kids, but I have found this separation very hard to negotiate.</p>

<p>I have found it difficult to be in a situation in which a child has called up to five times a day, sometimes just to chat, all perky and happy, or sometimes sad and needy, and yet seemingly on a whim the same child suddenly calls only once a week and then with a very cursory phone call.</p>

<p>I have accepted these alternations because I have learned from our society that this is what a good parent does. However, I would prefer the cultural support to be able to demand some consistency and true consideration for my needs as a human being.</p>

<p>Maybe these relationships are too important to me, but they seem to be very important to my children as well, but only according to their own emotional needs.</p>

<p>Why do we grant young adults such emotional freedom and such a sense of entitlement? I don’t see this as freedom or independence. I think it is immature and a bit narcissistic.</p>

<p>Today, my S texted from the library with a lovely message. My D called with some great news.</p>

<p>That was really lovely.</p>

<p>However, what if I were just missing them? I would love to live in a world in which I wouldn’t have to hold myself back, come to CC, whatever, feel guilty for trying to get a response. I would prefer a world in which I was allowed to have emotional needs to and I could call up and say, the way i would with a friend, I just wanted to hear your voice.</p>

<p>I would like to be able to have the expectation of a response.</p>

<p>Today I spent the day moving my mother from her home of 52 years into a new condo. She could not have managed without me. She has her little annoyances as a person, sometimes big annoyances. However, I am proud that an 85 year old woman all alone in the world can turn to me and I will reliably be there.</p>

<p>I would have liked it if my kids had contacted her on their own without being reminded. This was an important day for her. </p>

<p>I don’t want my children to be the kind of people who think the world revolves around them and only their emotional needs matter and anything else is hampering their style and making unfair demands.</p>

<p>In the case of the OP’s mom, yes, I agree the demands are extreme and causing distress for this young girl. However, I still would like to extend compassion to both parties in this relationship.</p>

<p>Counseling and meds for the mom seem a good way to go.</p>

131

<p>Somehow, reading this thread has made me realize how blessed I am that my parents a) do not have cell phones, b) my mother has no idea how to even turn a computer on, c) my parents do not even own a computer at home, d) my mother wouldn’t know how to learn how to use a cell phone, as she can barely understand how to turn on the tv (cannot even watch DVD’s because she doesn’t understand/remember the steps to setting this up). It really surprises me how many older people out there know what a text message is and how to do it (I don’t even know how).</p>

<p>I really hope the OP can overcome this situation, but it sounds like the dad needs to help his kids out with this and not just allow the mother to control their children as much as she has been doing.</p>

132

<p>A 5 minute call twice a day may not seem like much more than a minor nuisance but remember, it has to be taken in the context of the OP’s life and what she has endured. It means something entirely different to her than it does to my D, for example (who would happily call me twice a day if I asked – I don’t, which is probably why she often does!)</p>

<p>I don’t think you can overestimate the longterm damage that an overly controlling parent can have on a child, well into adulthood. I speak from experience here. Someone mentioned the lack of confidence and trust in yourself that can result from having someone control your every minute. It’s something I’ve dealt with for a long, long time and I often wonder how much easier everything would have been, and how much more productive I would’ve been, if I hadn’t had to overcome that obstacle at every turn. It’s hard to fly with someone’s gigantic thumb pressed down on your head!</p>

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<p>I have lunch with Mom everyday and stay with her everynight. She’s 92 and I’m pushing 60. She’s still treats me like a child.</p>

<p>You too will treat your daughter as your mom treated you. Don’t fight it, its genetic to moms.</p>

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<p>“I would prefer a world in which I was allowed to have emotional needs to and I could call up and say, the way i would with a friend, I just wanted to hear your voice.”</p>

<p>You might well live in that world. I know I do. Give it a try, you might be surprised.</p>

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<p>Yes, OP has a mother who would like to control her life. But right now she is in her first choice college in a different state. Her tuition, room and board are covered. She gets some spending money . In return she has to call twice a day.</p>

<p>If she keeps her grades up, and makes the required phone calls, the mother will probably back off a bit. Is this situation annoying? Yes. Is it unbearable? It should not be, if the girl can remove herself from it emotionally.</p>

<p>And ROTS?? Come on, parents! Do you really think that this girl should join the army just to get away from her mother?? Is that a kind of advice you would give your own children in this situation?? Would you like them to get this advice from other parents?</p>

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<p>No, I agree with you. I would be horrified.</p>

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<p>I think if you read her posts, it’s a lot more than 2 phone calls a day. It’s be-friending her friends on FB, calling the RA, wanting to call the professors, checking her phone usage, checking her bank account(telling her how to spend her own money), checking emails. All that point to an obsessive, psychotic person. If that’s someone outside of one’s family, he/she would be called a stalker.</p>

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<p>LOL…so true!</p>

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<p>Good point. Just tell your mom that there are FERPA laws and your profs aren’t allowed to speak to your mom! </p>

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<p>FERPA laws would allow the mother to get her kid’s academic record because she is still a dependent for tax filing purpose, and she is paying for her bills. Just go to the gov education web site, it’s clearly stated there.</p>

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<p>POIH</p>

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<p>Not “allowed to”??? What? Your D is over 18; you are not allowed to tell her what she’s “allowed” to do in regards to such matters… </p>

<p>BTW…what are YOU not “allowed” to do? Who’s telling YOU that YOU are not allowed to do certain things? Are there *people in your personal life *that are telling you how often you must call or text and what time you must do that?</p>

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Doesn’t seem like but **yes DW had similar anxiety issue which have been worked out pretty well and so I don’t think DD has any more complaints. But DD is suppose to text twice once in the morning and then before going to bed. **
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<p>Now, you’re using the words “suppose to”. You’re forgetting that she’s an ADULT. She’s not “supposed to” call or text anyone.</p>

<p>My earlier Quote:
Get your DW to a therapist. You don’t seem to understand that this is not normal. </p>

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<p>That is un called for and diagnosing the problem on the issue of calling home twice a day is a bit too much. Either **you have never studied psychology or are not aware of human emotions. **
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<p>As a mom of 2 college kids I don’t need a PhD in Psych to know that this isn’t normal. This isn’t how you handle anxiety.</p>