<p>Sorry, but you could see how I might be misled by your user name. And you have a college degree and are self supporting with it, so easy for you to say… it is a tough road to attend college these days without financial support from parents. Tougher than it was even 6 or 7 years ago – tuition has continued to climb and it is more difficult for students to find jobs to support themselves. We get tons of students out here with issues similar to what the OP is posting about. Unless her parents are truly abusive or so stifling they won’t let her go to college, IMO most of the time it is better to suck it up and do most of what they want so they will pay for it.</p>
<p>And, suck it up also reflects the important lesson many hs kids have yet to learn- how to disagree without starting battles. When to push and when to hold back. OP is angry. That’s an emotion, not a life skill.</p>
<p>It is so typical for kids to speak with parents about college choices; I wish she could see this is usual. And that her 17 year old view of finances doesn’t guarantee her parents can allocate to her college bills what she may think they can and should.</p>
<p>^^^I would agree with the above except for all the other info the OP provided. Just because they are her parents doesn’t t mean they are doing everything in her best interest. If her parents subscribe to the views she has described, in my personal opinion, the most important thing for her is to become as independent from them as possible (and yes, I think that’s more important than even a college degree). I don’t claim to know the whole story, but just from the information posted here, I think people giving OP advice greatly underestimate whay it’s like for a woman in a culture oppressive to women.</p>
<p>And growing up in that environment can have long-term effects, like how a woman allows a man to treat her in a relationship or even ability to succeed in a work environment.</p>
<p>Sometimes I get the feeling that some people here automatically take the parents’ side, assuming that all parents create a loving, non-toxic environment for their children. I think that’s naive at best. I also think young women should know that their parents’ beliefs and culture can be dysfunctional, and they don’t have to accept it when it puts them in positions inferior to men or forces them into arranged marriages or living at home, as the OP described in her other posts.</p>
<p>To the OP: are you academic stats enough to get a full ride from one of the full ride schools listed here?
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/financial-aid-scholarships/1348012-automatic-full-tuition-full-ride-scholarships-19.html#post16145676[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/financial-aid-scholarships/1348012-automatic-full-tuition-full-ride-scholarships-19.html#post16145676</a></p>
<p>If not, then you don’t really have any out from your parents’ control over your college, unless you wait until you are 24, married, or a military veteran.</p>
<p>^^And, I think we sometimes take what a poster says at face value. Look at what the anger emanates from- an email to the principal, a desire to discuss college choices.</p>
<p>Yes, her parents may be more restrictive that we feel is right. I’m not going to underplay that. Yes, she may choose to leave home sooner, rather than later. But it makes sense to be able to stand on her own feet, at that point- and that may mean the further education, some growing.</p>
<p>I don’t know her preparation for independence- stats for college, any finances in her control, any friend she would move to live with, any job skills. We don’t know what her parents can afford to pay. We just know it’s one big…migraine.</p>
<p>And so we tell her, take the right steps. Make this something that makes sense. Even if her parents restrict her to a local-enough college, the point is to prepare, no? If she were asking about a job offer or had some other, reasonable opportunities, I think many of us might weigh in differently.</p>
<p>True, but parent posters are taken at face value most of the time - maybe this young person should at least be given some benefit of the doubt. The call to the school sounds absurd, considering she says she has never been in trouble before (yes, I am taking it at face value, I guess, but since there is no other side to hear, I am giving her the benefit of the doubt). </p>
<p>I mostly am weighing in on this thread, because I didn’t see other posts that said anything except something along the lines of trying to appease the parents, and if they are truly trying to control her, that’s not really the way to go, and it’s not going to help. As I mentioned, I am an immigrant myself (from a countrywhere women ‘s rights are fairly advanced relative to some other parts of the world but still pretty poor). I have had friends from all different cultures and countries. I still don’t remember anyone trying or planning to arrange a marriage for their child. My point is, it can be nothing, or it can be something. Maybe, along with advice to listen and try to see the parents’ point of view, the OP needs to hear advice on what to do if her parents ARE truly controlling. I do think she needs to better understand what her parents’ reasons are to want to stay close to home. </p>
<p>For example, will they allow her to take an internship or work? Will they choose what she should major in? If so, a college degree may not be that much help with no work experience, and at the end of the 4 years she will be only slightly better off but still living in a house where she may be told not to go to job interviews, etc.</p>
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<p>It is still pretty common in some countries, although these days it often comes in the form of the parents as matchmakers presenting spouse candidates for approval, rather than trying to force a particular spouse on their adult kid.</p>
<p>I completely disagree with thumper1 and a lot of other people on here. acollegestudent has it right, it is the student’s life, not their parents. Having your parents decide where you go to college reminds me of a fixed marriage. A lot of people on here, especially thumper1 appear very condescending and are attempting to undermine the OP, perhaps because they are authoritarian parents themselves and feel threatened by a teenager’s independence. They should realize that using money to bend their children to their will is unethical and bad parenting. Sure, it would be best to make the decision with regards to the parent’s feelings, but in the end it should be the student’s decision. Good luck OP.</p>
<p>I didn’t even realize that acollegestudent had already made the fixed marriage analogy. Good call. One of the only on point posters in this thread.</p>
<p>Nobody really knows exactly what is going on in OP’s life and her relationship with the parents but it doesn’t seem too bad except that the parents are extremely overprotective and traditional (which I can completely relate to) which to me is just a generation/cultural difference.</p>
<p>But IMHO, if the parents are the ones putting money towards college, it is really hard to have any independence. IMHO, independence = necessary to be financially independent. Yes, it IS the students life and not the parents, but unless OP has the financial independence, the decision is both the students and the source of funding. You have to understand that the idea of thinking “this is my life, I make my own choices” is a very Western (mostly American) point of view and traditional parents WILL NOT understand at all. (I’m about to graduate and my parents still don’t understand, okay?)</p>
<p>(Sorry if I missed a post regarding OP’s finances, I tried to read as many posts as I could)</p>
<p>@lullabies</p>
<p>Fair point, I see what you’re saying. I still think parents use finances to exert their power far too often. Saying that a student must attend a college within 2 hours (it was 2 hours right?) would shut out most of the colleges in the country. *** is that? If you were a parent and your child got into Harvard but it was too far away, would you say “sorry it’s 3 hours away, so you can’t go”? That would be insane. You would be putting a ceiling on your child’s future based on your own ridiculous insecurities…Good job</p>
<p>^^ I was reading through this thread and it seems it is all what OP thinks her parents will say or want, not an actual quote from the parents. Correct me if I’m wrong, I might’ve skipped something or misread. It also says she is looking at Boston, which has a toooon of amazing college choices. If this is the case, I would just jump to the assumption that OP lives in Northeast area which overall has a lot of great colleges within ~3-4 hours. NE is just filled with a lot of good schools and is densely populated.</p>
<p>Got me on that lol. I’m a little hazy on the specifics too, it’s really just the notion of authoritarian parenting that I object to. But I understand your perspective as well.</p>
<p>Music1990 and acollegestudent-
I think most parents here are trying to be practical. Sure, the OP could stomp her feet, rage at her parents and demand to be allowed to attend whatever college she wants, and most parents would be sympathetic, but what would it get her? As others have said, if she wants to be independent the OP needs to be financially independent and if she wants to attend college that’s not practical right now. The first step is for the OP to get a better grip on exactly what her parents want and why, and where they might have room for a bit of compromise. Being petulant won’t help her accomplish her goals.</p>
<p>@lookingforward- I know it’s usual for kids to talk to their parents about college choices. The difference is that why my parents want to talk about what the want to talk about is unusual. Why I want to get away so badly is unusual. The relationship between us is unusual. Also, I have an older sib in college and know how much they’re paying for his school. It’s more just about all of the schools on my list would be.</p>
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<p>I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again- it’s not what they do, it’s why they do it. I don’t care if it’s pushing me to an arranged marriage this second or preventing me from taking a class at school- they do it because they want control over me. They do it because they want me to think like them. They don’t want me to have interaction with ‘western’ people or ideas. In their culture, that just means they’re protecting me with love. I see it differently.</p>
<p>@ucbalumnus- Got it.</p>
<p>@acollegestudent-</p>
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[quote]
The call to the school sounds absurd, considering she says she has never been in trouble before[/quote[</p>
<p>Well, trouble in their eyes or actual trouble? If the former, then a bit.</p>
<p>@everyone- Thanks for all the advice. I really appreciate it.</p>
<p>@Sue22
I understand what you’re saying, and I could be mistaken because obviously I don’t know the exact circumstances. But it just seems to me that the OP is perfectly reasonable, which isn’t good enough for her parents. Obviously it’s her choice to attend any college she wants, and then her parents’ choice to either support her or not, but I feel they are holding her financial dependence over her head as many parents do. Most college students want to get away from home for college, and to choose not to support someone for choosing that when obviously that support is essential to them puts her in the position of having to choose between her family and her dreams. That is not a decision a reasonable person would force someone to make. Thus, I find the OP to be more reasonable than her parents.</p>
<p>To be clear, if the OP’s account is accurate, and I have no reason to believe it’s not, I think her parents are being monumentally unfair. Unfortunately life’s sometimes unfair. Some people have financial restrictions. Some people have LDs. Some people have controlling parents. The question is how she’s going to handle it so she can get the best result possible. Unless she is somehow able to wrangle a full scholarship, and I mean absolutely 100 percent tuition, room and board, she’s going to need the cooperation of her parents.</p>
<p>Once the OP is out of college and financially independent she can cut ties with her parents if she so chooses.</p>
<p>^ I totally get it. I wasn’t going as far as to say she should cut ties with them, I just empathize with her situation. Lol I hope she does get a full scholarship how great would that be?</p>
<p>Looking back, I may have overstated my point a little. I did not mean to be rude, so I apologize to thumper and anyone I may have offended. This is just a subject I’m rather passionate about. I can see now that some of the things I said were probably not very helpful to the OP, but more just to make a point. Anyway, I hope everything works out in the end, and again I’m sorry if my words were offensive.</p>
<p>I do NOT feel I have been condescending at all. This student wants to go to college. Unless he/she has the financial resources to do so without any parent help, or is prepared to wait until age 24 when he will be independent for college purposes (aid included), it would be prudent to at least try to listen and compromise. </p>
<p>I never said his/her parents were right (or wrong)…I simply stated that if he/she needs their financial support, then some kind of compromise might be necessary.</p>
<p>As noted upstream by someone else…there are many parents here who have put some kind of criteria on college applications, be it financial, distance from home, etc.</p>