My parents will not support me because of my sexuality: What do I do?

Parents Forum
21

<p>Wow.
I must really thank everyone who has replied to this thread in such a small frame of time. It's comforting to see after the past few days.</p>

<p>I did not come out of my own accord. If it had been up to me, I would have waited until I was at least out of the house and had established plans for living without my parents' support.</p>

<p>I have actually not dated anyone throughout high school because a) I'm too busy, and b) a relationship would have had to be secret. I'll be continuing that celibacy until I get into college. I definitely have kept my sexuality on the down-low until now, lying and hiding things that may have provoked suspicion.</p>

<p>JHS, shortly after my post, my mother got home and started talking to me. For the first time in years, she did not yell as usual. You are right about it being more about their own self-doubt.</p>

<p>The conversation was civil, and my mother even said she would accept my sexuality, but at the same time she could not accept my expressing it. My father thinks I'm just going through a phase.</p>

<p>Eventually, I will probably be disowned if I choose to live my life true to myself, given that my parents still don't come around. It's particularly painful to think about, actually, given that this coincides with my last few months home before college.</p>

<p>In the short term, I have a bag with a few essentials with my guidance counselor in case I get kicked out. I've also made plans with a friend in case I need a place to stay.</p>

<p>For college, I am a semifinalist for the Point Foundation Scholarship, which is a fund for GLBTQQIAAP students who have been marginalized, and have applied to several other scholarships. I would be ready to work through college if that is necessary.</p>

<p>I live in the Midwest. I've been accepted the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign, but my first choice match and reach are UChicago and Yale.</p>

<p>At this point, my parents are still clinging onto the hope that I might end up with a boy and that I will repress myself. I am not straight, and I do not foresee ultimately ending up with a guy. I also will not repress myself as I did a few years ago to unpleasant consequences.</p>

<p>Again, your thoughts and support have been very helpful. Thank you.</p>

22

<p>asiantofu, it sounds like you are handling this difficult situation extremely well. Your latest conversation with your mother sounds hopeful. Her willingness to accept your sexuality is a big step, even if she says (for now) the she could not accept any expression of it. I think you will have to be patient with your parents. Now is probably not the time to take a principled stand on your queer identity. It takes us parents a while to wrap our heads around the idea of our children being sexual beings, straight, gay, or anything else. We need baby steps. Reassuring them that you are still their daughter and that you will never shame them may go a long way towards easing the pain for everyone.</p>

23

<p>I liked the advice which mentioned political activity as well, and strongly agree with Bela. It's true that it takes us parents awhile to view our kids as being sexual. It's hard enough to imagine our children going off to college, when only a dozen years ago we were teaching them their numbers and buying them crayons.</p>

<p>One of the things that I've told my kids is that everything that they are, and everything that they do, has consequences in this life. It doesn't matter if they're gay, overweight, athletic, politically on the left or politically on the right, Goth, Preppie, etc. Whatever labels they put out there for the world to see, will cause people to view them in particular ways. There is no question that it's possible that the athletic kid might actually be a philospher, the Goth kid might like classical music and be premed, and the kid who looks so Preppie might be a stoner....but labels carry baggage. </p>

<p>These are the choices that we make during our whole lives, not just in high school. If I let someone know my politics at work, I risk that this person may have different politics and that I will damage our work relationship. If I am clearly of a certain ethic background, I will encounter people who don't like that ethnicity. As we go along, we encounter people with preconceptions, biases and strong reactions. </p>

<p>Being in high school is a time of strong emotions and self-discovery. It's often easy to lose sight of the fact that you don't need to accept labels YET. You also don't have to let everyone in your world know all of your labels. You might not need to let employers know all of your personal labels, or friends know all of your political or work leanings. </p>

<p>My pointis that being gay may be a basic part of yourself, but you don't have to "come out" yet. Delaying coming out won't change you you are, right? If you know that it may affect your safety and your ability to be self-supporting, why come out to your parents at this moment in time? Might there be a better time, and a better way to let your parents get to the point where they will accept this? </p>

<p>I know this is the minority view, but I think there's a time and a place for everything. You should be enjoying your senior year and looking forward to college with happiness, and putting yourself at risk because you want to force your parents to accept something RIGHT NOW that you've been living with for years may not be the right thing to do.</p>

24

<p>Asiantofu,</p>

<p>I wish you well. Hopefully you will be able to use some of the suggestions/resources given here to stay safe.</p>

<p>Question -- what does GLBTQQIAAP stand for? I know "GLBT", but the rest?</p>

25

<p>I know somebody who was a little more mature in regard to this (I am sorry, but I thought that you are honestly looking for an HONEST opinions). He palinly decided to open up to his parents when he achieves financial independence (getting job after college). I respected this type of plan very much, since it shows undestanding that it will be much easier for parents to accept this when they know that it is coming from independent mature adult.</p>

26

<p>MiamiDAP;</p>

<p>

Did you read the OP before you typed post #25 and told her she was immature? Honestly?</p>

27

<p>Asiantofu:</p>

<p>I suggest that since you only have a few more months of living at home, to try to keep the peace with your parents so that both you and they can look back at this time as a fairly if not completely happy time. It means listening to your parents, no matter how wrong you think their opinions about sexual orientation are, without trying to change their minds. They may do so eventually, but it will take a lot of time, which none of you have right now. Don't make rash promises such as not dating anyone in college, but see if you can go along with some of their suggestions about your social life. If they are concerned about their standing in your and their community, do reassure them that you would not want to bring shame on them through rash or just indiscreet behavior.
Do let them know that you appreciate all they've done for you and their concern about your happiness. An expression of your love may defuse a lot of their anger and anxiety.</p>

28

<p>Here's one suggestion if you get in more conversations with your parents. It may be necessary for them to hope that this is a phase, that you will change your mind, etc. It is not necessary for you to insist now that you will never change. You can leave that open for the time being, especially while you are living at home. Just keep reminding yourself that you are not trying to "win" a short-term argument with them, but rather you are trying to preserve a long-term relationship with parents who love you. So give them time. (All this advice flies out the window, of course, if you feel you are in physical danger. Then you have to get out.)</p>

29

<p>Try as we may, we can't always fully identify with an experience we do not know ourselves. I believe this is true of all of us, no matter how empathetic or openminded we are. That is, I suppose, the reason we find it so reassuring to meet other people who are in the same boat we find ourselves in, regardless of the situation. This explains, I think, a few of the well meaning but likely off target comments you have received.</p>

<p>For me, coming out was not a planned decision, like buying a house or having a baby or, even, choosing a college. It came upon me like a wave that swept over me, tumbling me in its way. Perhaps you feel something of the same. When we come out, we confront more than our sex lives: we are confronting the deepest core of our identities. I understand that keeping this under wraps until next fall is a reasonable idea, but I also know it may just not work out that way.</p>

<p>Do follow up the links to organizations referred to you; you need support and friendship. I would add one very important link, The Point Foundation: The</a> Point Foundation LGBT Scholars. This is a wonderful organization. They sponsor financial support for college students marginalized for gender or sexuality issues. I would contact them right away, for whatever advice they might be able to give you.</p>

<p>You are going to be just fine, but you will go through some rough water. And with a little luck and hard work, you will have your family with you. Best wishes!</p>

30

<p>I just reread your post #21, regarding you and the Point Foundation, which I missed the first time through, sorry about that. Congratulations and best of luck with the scholarship!</p>

31

<p>Asiantofu - I'm the same age as your parents, and like them I've lived most of my life in a culture that didn't yet understand the genetic origin of sexual orientation and thought it a matter of willful choice. As I've tried to explain what we now know about sexual orientation to people my own age, I've found it helpful to use the "handedness" analogy. I'm genetically programmed to favor my right hand. I can still use my left hand, and if my culture threatened me with negative consequences for being right-handed, I could even learn to write and throw a baseball left-handed, all of which might help me perpetuate an appearance of left-handedness. But it would never make me left-handed - that's simply not within my scope of control.</p>

<p>It's one thing for people to adjust a concept with which they've lived all their lives; it's another thing to make them comfortable with that revised concept entering into their own family structure. I don't know that you have time to see them through that transition between now and August, but I think you have to keep having the civil discussions that nudge the door open, little by little. I don't think that you can pretend this impediment in your relationship doesn't exist for the next six months. When you go off to college, it will probably provide your parents with some valuable space in which to reflect without having to confront.</p>

32

<p>"Question -- what does GLBTQQIAAP stand for? I know "GLBT", but the rest?"</p>

<p>It stands for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Questioning, Intersex, or Allies.</p>

33

<p>What is the difference between Queer and Gay or Lesbian?</p>

34

<p>Queer is a reclaimed word (as it used to be an insult and, of course, some people still use it that way) used for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and genderqueer. According to my son, who is gay, it's a way to indicate solidarity with the entire community. </p>

<p>AT, It really breaks my heart that this was your parents reaction. I'm glad to see that you understand that this is their issue, that there is not one thing wrong with you. </p>

<p>The activist part of me wants to encourage you to stand firm but the mother part of me must make your saftey, physically and mentally, the priority. </p>

<p>You are so close to no longer sharing your daily life with your parents. The conversation with your mother is encouraging but please be cautious. Keep yourself safe and look forward to launching the next phase of your life which is so close now! Congratulations!</p>

35

<p>I think it's intended to be an umbrella term for people whose libidos/lifestyles/sexual identities are at odds with the mainstream norm. So it would include, for instance, men who like to cross-dress, but who do not necessarily have sex with other men or attempt to live permanently as women. Or people who have sex with animals. Or S-M practitioners.</p>

<p>In some contexts, the term "queer" may even exclude some subset of gays and lesbians -- those (most of the ones I know) who choose to live their lives in a manner indistinguishable from their straight neighbors (or indistinguishable from the ideal of their straight neighbors), e.g., married, suburban, dogs, kids, PTA members. People who choose not to live with a consciousness/acknowledgement of their separation from the heterosexual norm.</p>

36

<p>Please, JHS, I can't believe you just said that. I have never, ever, ever heard of anyone even remotely suggesting that people who have sex with animals are part of the "queer" umbrella.</p>

<p>Because there's this little issue of consent, you know?</p>

<p>BTW, not all GLBT people think of themselves as "queer." Some simply don't like the word, and choose not to reclaim it as a positive term. My son, for example, doesn't like it, and considers himself to be just plain old "gay."</p>

<p>I'm so sorry, Asiantofu. My heart goes out to you. As the parent of a gay son, 18 years old, it's unimaginable to me, on an emotional level -- even if I understand it intellectually -- that parents could threaten violence towards their children for being gay.</p>

37

<p>Ohmyg-d, JHS, have you lost your ever loving mind??? Sex with animals is NOT "queer." Libidos? Do you really know heteroseuxal people with high sex drives who refer to themselves as queer? Then THIS:</p>

<p>
[quote]
People who choose not to live with a consciousness/acknowledgement of their separation from the heterosexual norm...

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Are the gay and lesbian people you know in comas? If so, I am so sorry. If not, you are just peddling more crazy. </p>

<p>I am just stunned, absolutely stunned. And even more offended.</p>

38

<p>DonnaL, I should have added that part on. I would not use the term queer unless I've heard the person themselves use it. Well, I don't label anyone unless they've indicated which label they use. But the term "queer" is still controversial. I find a generational divide, but as your son demostrates, it's not that cut and dry.</p>

<p>Now I have to go get a cold cloth to put on my head because the post by JHS is bringing on a big headache.</p>

39

<p>"What is the difference between Queer and Gay or Lesbian?"</p>

<p>Queer hearkens back to the 60s as a pejorative; Gay and Lesbian are now simply descriptive.</p>

40

<p>OMG, I have ready some excellent excellent advice for this OP & unfortunately some pretty stupid stuff too. Thanks Donna & pugmadkate! One less thing to take care of.</p>

<p>To the OP: My heart goes out to you. I am the mother of a gay son. I know how difficult it must be to hide who you are. Know that there are many parents who will accept their kids sexuality but in order to accept them then that child is expected to never talk about their relationships & to pretend to be someone they are not. It is very difficult but in order to get along with your parents it may just be something you have to do. </p>

<p>It is not fair, but some people just can't accept that their child isn't perfect. Many parent have been led to believe (thank you Dr. Dobson & others) that they themselves have done something wrong. We caused our children to be gay. My sons first boyfriend's mother tried to commit suicide when she found out about her son. It was devastating to him & to my son and our family. Some people are just so ashamed because of the stigma. It sounds really stupid but many parents go in the closet when their kids come out of the closet.</p>

<p>I think that you have been given some excellent advice & you seem incredibly wise for your years. Please be careful & listen to your gut instincts. You can go to PFLAG meetings without your parents. Most colleges also have a counseling center (psychologists) that you visit for free. I would highly recommend that you make an appointment with one as soon as you get to college. Just having someone to bounce ideas off of is incredibly helpful.</p>

<p>Good luck to you.</p>