<p>Asiantofu, you have gotten some very sound advice here. I'd like to add my good wishes, including that, once you get to college, you find a supportive group of friends that will make you feel comfortable, and even help you enjoy your college experience.</p>
<p>There is cause for hope. One gay student I counseled was disappointed upon arrival at his LAC to find there was no GLBT organization; the subject students found it unnecessary, the campus being totally "integrated" with nobody noticing or caring. There are places where it has become a non-issue.</p>
<p>This is getting off topic, I know, but I can't let this discussion of what "queer" does or does not mean end with the outraged dismissals of JHS's post. Animals aside, JHS has got current "queer theory" just about right. And DonnaL is just as right when she says not all gay identified people embrace the word "queer." That's where the politics of "queer" steps in. Check out the Wikipedia entry, Queer</a> - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, you'll get a sense of what's going on. Asiantofu, its a big and interesting world out there!</p>
<p>I sincerely apologize for my gratuitous reference to bestiality. Honestly, I don't know whether people who have sex with animals consider themselves "queer", or whether other people who do consider themselves queer would accept them as queer. I was just trying to come up with some not-necessarily-homosexual marginalized sexualities. </p>
<p>I'm not going to apologize for my use of "libido", though, because I think it is correct. It refers to sex drive, sexual energy, and is not limited in any way to straight people. (As for whether high-sex-drive heterosexuals consider themselves queer, one could probably make a decent argument for queer consciousness in Don Juan, Casanova, the bad guy in Les Liasons Dangereuses.) I am also not going to apologize for referring to the controversy within queer theory about whether people who embrace mainstream values except for one little thing have queer consciousness.</p>
<p>
I sincerely apologize
</p>
<p>Yeah, I'm sure...</p>
<p>Let's all try to be civil here. This forum inevitably represents a variety of different viewpoints, especially on a rather socially sensitive subject. Please don't start a fight in the middle of this otherwise helpful thread.</p>
<p>On that note, JHS was pretty right, but perhaps could have omitted some parts that were taken the wrong way. I myself prefer using queer exclusively for the GLBTQQIAAP community simply because not many people realize what queer theory is. I also usually call myself gay, though I don't feel as though I fall into that "label." If only we could go through our lives with a Kinsey scale number?</p>
<p>My mother wants me to get counseling with her, with which I am pretty fine. She and my father are definitely going through a lot, and there's nothing I can do to make them feel better aside from deny who I am, which (as I've learned in the past few years) has only caused more pain. </p>
<p>When would it be appropriate for me or someone else to approach them with PFLAG material? I read some of the booklets they have on parenting GLBTQQIAAP children, and I think my parents would be able to find some comfort and maybe even answers to the self-doubt and disappointment they've been feeling for the past few days. On the other hand, I recognize it's necessary to be more low-key on the subject and just hold out until I leave for college.</p>
<p>My sexuality has also never been a real issue for me in high school. I was suicidal for a period in middle school, but my sexuality was only a part of the reason for that. In fact, I started the first gay-straight alliance at my school so other students would find the resources and support I didn't have when I came into my school. Of course, I am not longer able to participate actively in this club due to recent events, but I have dealt with many more positive responses to my sexuality than negative ones.</p>
<p>Actually, the only truly negative reactions directed towards me have been from my parents.</p>
<p>Thanks to everyone who has provided advice and support thus far.</p>
<p>asiantofu:</p>
<p>I suggest you ask the counselor your mom and you will be seeing (and perhaps dad, too?) to give your mom the pamphlet rather than you give it to her. Information about sexuality will be easier to receive from someone other than you as well as from an adult. It's hard for parents to accept that their children are sexual beings; and for your parents, it's even harder to accept that you are gay. Having a third person discuss it helps defuse the tension a great deal.
For many parents, learning that their child is gay is giving up hope of grandchildren, but it need not be that way. My S went to school with several kids who had been adopted by gay couples. It looks like your mom is more receptive. Work on her first. Also, you don't need to hide your true self; but until you go to college, the most important thing is to preserve your relations with your parents. You've had a long time to accept who you are. You went through very difficult times but you've come through. Give your parents some time to adjust. It may be easier for them to do so when you are away. Good luck to you. Let us know if the counseling helps.</p>
<p>I went through something like this though not with others but myself. I would advise you to pray, not to take the "gay away" but to really speak to God. No matter what anyone tells you, you are apart of God's plan and He made you the way He knew would best impact the world. Really speak to Him often times I would find that the best resource in any time of need is God, His love is really unconditional and He will always love you. And I will be sure to pray for you God bless.</p>
<p>A little off-topic by now, but I think you can breathe a very justified sense of relief about your college choices. UIUC, Chicago, and Yale are all excellent places to be yourself.</p>
<p>UIUC is very big. The bigger the school, the more students there are who are like you. I'm sure you've seen this website before:
Lesbian</a>, Gay, Bisexual, & Transgender Resources | University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign</p>
<p>Chicago is a place where deviance from "mainstream" isn't unusual, and I think that goes for "queer" identities and others as well. There's a LOT of academic interest in sex, sexuality, gender studies here, as well as some students I know who are open about their non-heterosexual relationships and non-gender conforming identities.
LGBTQ</a> Programming Office?The University of Chicago</p>
<p>Yale has a gay-friendly reputation, but from anecdotal experience (gay best friend, met boyfriend within first few weeks of college) it seems like a comfortable place for different kinds of sexualities.
The</a> LGBT Coop at Yale!</p>
<p>Anyway, I'm pointing these resources out to remind you that you have a positive future ahead of you, and those in your generation I think are much more ready to respect who you are. I think you're doing the best you can right now given the situation you have. And I think it's only going to get better for you.</p>
<p>I agree with Marite, do NOT give your mother the PFLAG information now. I would imagine if you go to any reputable therapist that they will suggest PFLAG to her. If he/she doesn't then you will probably be able to give it to her in the future. At this point, she probably thinks that the counseling will be about changing you. In the end, it will probably change her.</p>
<p>You have to realize that when you find out your child is LGBQT you go through stages very similar to a grieving process. At first you believe that this is just a stage. You don't want them to label themselves yet because they are too young. That is the denial or wishful thinking stage.</p>
<p>Then you go through a grieving stage. As mothers (I am only talking about moms perhaps there are dads here who can fill in) you dream of your child growing up, marrying the perfect partner, having children, etc. You have to let that dream go because it really is yours not your child's. </p>
<p>Then you go through another stage where you are worried sick that your child is going to get AIDS (don't you know ALL gay men get AIDS), get killed or harmed, not be able to get health insurance, lost his job because of his sexuality, etc. This unfortunately never does go away but the feeling is not as intense.</p>
<p>Another stage is the OMG What will the neighbors think? This is probably the hardest stage for most people. </p>
<p>Finally, you get to the acceptance stage. That this is who your child is. They didn't change in any way shape or form. They are still the same funny, smart, beautiful human being they were before they told you. None of that has changed and life goes on.</p>
<p>I was so lucky that my son had fabulous teachers (& friends) that supported him through his process. This is not to say that he didn't have some rough times in school being bullied because he was. He has had his tires punctured when he is out at gay clubs, and I worry about his safety no matter what part of the country he is in - gay friendly or not.</p>
<p>I sincerely hope that your mother sticks with the counseling because it is very cathartic. My husband & I went together & my son went by himself. We went because we felt we had no one else to talk to (everyone in my family is either born-again or extremely Catholic) and we wanted our son to go because we wanted to make sure that he was "okay" with himself because of all the homophobic propaganda that we all hear on a daily basis. I can't turn on the news or radio w/o hearing something about gays (& usually it is negative). Thankfully, he is a pretty strong person & is comfortable in his own skin.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>Mom2ofOH: You have my utmost admiration for such an honest description of what finding out your son was gay meant to your family. No one can question what a wondeful, supportive and loving mother you are. However, I need to point out this is not the universal reaction, anymore than the OP’s parents' reaction is universal. We knew our son was gay, were not surprised (but rather relieved) when in highschool he decided to “come out,” and there was never any grieving process. We always thought this child was absolutely perfect just the way he was and we never wished him different. Societal reaction is a whole different thing. Just like you, we have always had huge concerns about his safety though those lessen as he gets older, and as the world gets a little easier for young people like him and your son and the OP. Good luck OP! Take care of yourself.</p>
<p>^ Agree with alh. Reaction likely depends a bit on where you live. Our DD1 was president of her HS GSA, landing her in the local paper when the ACLU assisted with an issue. We never once heard anything the slightest bit negative from "the neighbors" or from friends; we heard only support. We never felt anything remotely like grieving; we were proud of her leadership role and concern for the well-being of fellow students. Yes, we live in a liberal area.</p>
<p>Wow, I am thrilled to know that there are parents who didn't go through this process. I can't even imagine:) Like I said we came from a born-again/extremely Catholic background where there is a huge "problem" with being gay or having a gay child. You know the one were they tell you that you can prevent your child from being gay or that you caused them to be gay? I know too that there are cultures who wont even accept the idea that gay people even exist. I think that this is were the OP mother fits in so I can at least understand what she must be going through.</p>
<p>I could only dream of having never gone through this. We had no problem with gay people & we felt absolutely horrible about the treatment & misconceptions that the church & society perpetuates. However, when it happens to you it was a completely different story. How do you reconcile what the church has been saying & everything you had been taught? That is where I had the most trouble.</p>
<p>Ultimately, I am no longer a believer. I am somewhat bitter I will admit that, but it is becoming less of a problem now. My parents & brother (who is a HUGE homophobe) do not know our son is gay. My parents are extremely close to him & it is not that they would stop loving him or think less of him, but they are in their 80's and my mother would worry herself to death over him being killed/hurt. His other aunts & uncles know & they are very supportive of him. His Catholic uncle has absolutely no problem with it in any way & my born-again sister just thinks it my fault he is gay and not my son's fault. If that is how she gets through it then so be it.</p>
<p>Most of our friends know, but people at work don't. My husband & I work at the same place (small) & they listen to Christian radio stations all day long (you know the ones that have Dr. Dobson on all the time, etc.) so we just feel it is best for them not to know. My son works for us occasionally & I would never want them to treat him differently & I don't think they could help themselves to do otherwise. Unfortunately, for a lot of people in our area it is a black & white issue. </p>
<p>We are involved in PFLAG so eventually someone in our community is bound to find out, but we really don't care so much anymore. Some or most of our PFLAG friends are very involved in their churches & they believe that they are there to help change the way the church views homosexuality but I just couldn't do it myself. </p>
<p>We are so proud of our son for his courage to be who he is and he also is a leader in everything he does. He is loved by the students at school & by his teachers. He is going to Germany this summer with his college & his prof actually has to find people he can stay with who will be comfortable with his orientation. He told her he would rather not go than to go back in the closet. It is not that he is in your face, but if people asks them he certainly tells them that he is gay.</p>
<p>I wish I knew you alh & vossron when we found out. Thanks for sharing your story. I can't wait for the day when all of us will be able to accept this in the way you were able to.</p>
<p>While the process mom2ofOH went through is common, that was not my experience. And I am very thankful for that. I can only imagine the stress and pain that that process must be like. To be blamed and accused of "doing this" to your child? Horrible. Parents like mom2ofOH, who must travel that road and come to the place of unconditionally supporting their child are my heros. </p>
<p>We live in Texas, and not Austin, so it's very conservative. Yet we both believe, have always believed as adults, that being gay is as normal and natural as being straight so we never assumed that our children would be straight, although the odds were very good that they would be. My husband comes at it from the view of a biologist. I come at it from the view of people I love leading "the gay lifestyle" of having jobs, maintaing a home, paying taxes...in otherwords, normal. </p>
<p>My husband and I did wrestle with the idea that now our son was a target. There were a lot of tears shed over fears for his saftey and sometimes we still cry about it. However, that is something that every parent of a daughter, of person of color, of a minority religion and so on must come to terms with. While we've always supported equality for GLBTQ individuals, it certainly brought it home and our activism has reflected that. </p>
<p>We also, and we have not shared this with our son, are saddened that his road to parenthood will not be an easy one. Having dealt with inferitilty to have him, we really hoped that his journey to parenthood would be far less complicated. Alas, it was not to be.</p>
<p>In the moment my son told me he was gay, I felt proud of us. Proud that he had the courage to be himself, proud of myself for instilling that courage. I hugged him until he asked me stop, told him I loved him, thanked him for sharing something so personal and then he kicked me out of his room so he could go back to reading.</p>
<p>pugmadkate - I am proud of myself & my husband also. Our son did not have to tell us & he never would have if he though we were like my sister & brother. When he told me I hugged him, told him that I loved him & no matter what that I would support him regardless of his sexual orientation. </p>
<p>The grieving process I went through I did on my OWN time. Not to say that he wasn't aware that I had issues to deal with. I did. Thankfully, a day or so after he told me my mother hen/bear kicked in & I knew from our religious background that what he had been going through had to be so hurtful for him. My goal after that was to make sure he knew that whatever he heard from church or our families was just plain BS. His counselor actually told him that he wished all his clients were so sure of who they were and were so comfortable with who they were too.</p>
<p>It's been a journey, and I have grown because of it. I realized early on after going to some websites where there were other mothers crying everyday & taking tranquilizers and hoping their children would leave the "lifestyle" that that would solve nothing.</p>
<p>What do the second "a", and the "p", stand for, if you know?
I am referring to the acronym partially explained by Clarinette.</p>
<p>Asiantofu, I can relate to how your parents are feeling and reacting. I look at this way - it's not easy to change something that you're been brought up all your life in a short period of time. Given that you're just a few months away from heading off to college, I would not make an issue of it now, and head off to college, preferably somewhwere that you aren't financially very dependent on them. You can then reopen this issue, but on a more even basis since you're not at their mercy for food and shelter. I'm not sure putting yourself through all this stress for the next six months is worth the payoff.</p>
<p>I would really go back into the closet if I could, but this situation is more out of my hands than ever, and again, I never came out because I wanted to. My parents forcefully found out about it.</p>
<p>I'm scared. I can't placate my parents any more than I have ... I've agreed to go to counseling, told them I'd be open to see if I can change ... but I know any legitimate counselor will only tell them what I've been telling them. I don't know what to do; what to say to them anymore.</p>
<p>They're talking about going to school and talking down the principal for having a GSA (the one that I helped start). I just can't deal with how they're taking this outside the home. I know they're just trying to find someone to blame, and they're going through the process parents such as mine go through when their child comes out, but I really don't want anyone else hurt if I can help it. </p>
<p>I can find a place to stay. I have everything set up in case I need to leave home. But I can't leave if my parents don't officially kick me out (still a minor), or if I'm being threatened.</p>
<p>Once they disown me, things would be easier. It's this in-between part that I have no idea what to do with.</p>
<p>Excuse my improper grammar.</p>
<p>Asiantofu, I'm so sorry you have to go through this.</p>
<p>It wasn't clear to me from your messages-- do you have the finances straight for college next year if your parents don't pay? I realize you have a lot on your plate right now, but that's something to consider.</p>
<p>Cardinal Fang - All of the schools I applied to are really good with financial aid except for UChicago and the University of Illinois. I've applied to a few other scholarships and am a Point Foundation semifinalist. I'm willing to work-study and take on loans if I have to.</p>
<p>Because I'm a National Merit Finalist, I have a few schools who have offered me full rides as well.</p>