<p>Even schools that are really good with financial aid ask for a parent contribution, and depending on your parents' income, it could be a lot. And if your parents won't pay it...</p>
<p>But if you have an EFC near zero, that is not a factor.</p>
<p>asiantofu, I am so sorry you are scared, I wish I could give you a big hug. There is not much you can do right now as far as your parent's reaction, so the best thing to do is go to your guidance counselor as appraise them of the situation and that your parents are going to address the principal. Just try to lay low and not get yourself in a confrontational situation. I don't know you but in my heart, based on what you say about your mother and how she is at least listening to you in a small way, I can't imagine her disowning you. fFor now, I would just go along with them til it is time to get to college. As I said earlier, time and distance may help.</p>
<p>Great advice already given on this thread. </p>
<p>Good luck for Yale, asiantofu. You sound like an incredibly mature young girl. I will look for you in the results thread.</p>
<p>Counseling is a great idea. The OP's parents need counseling, and the OP isn't in a position to take on that role. An experienced, legitimate counselor will help everyone move to a peaceful, respectful situation here, but will definitely be helping the parents move towards acceptance. That's why I think it's wonderful that the OP's mother proposed joint counseling. Her intentions may be very different, but so what? It starts a journey that, if she continues, is going to take her someplace better than she is now.</p>
<p>I also wouldn't worry so much about the parents going to school and talking to the principal. They will likely be given a polite hearing and told that they are being inappropriate. It will be one more point of contact with reality for them.</p>
<p>OP, you are not alone. Other people will help you. Trust in that.</p>
<p>Thanks for the reassurance. I'm sorry if I'm constantly updating here, but it's a three day weekend for me and it feels like this issue is dictating my life right now. </p>
<p>My father told me that I am ruining his expectations for me and that my sexual orientation will drive him crazy (which is a legitimate thing for me to be worried about). My mother has a history of heart problems and has recently been getting pains again.</p>
<p>Then he told me to be honest, and to guarantee that I'm going to change. They want me to repress myself, in a nutshell. And if I don't, I will be responsible for their deaths. But I have to be honest, because if I lie again it will hurt them worse.</p>
<p>How am I supposed to respond to that honestly? How am I supposed to tell them that I don't buy into the "ex-gay" movement and that I am not going to change?</p>
<p>I love my parents. I really do. They've done some effed up things, but they're my parents. They're not perfect, but they care about me and have made sacrifices for me. I wish paying that back had nothing to do with my sexual orientation. I don't want to leave. I don't want to cause anyone pain. I just want my right to love someone who loves me back someday.</p>
<p>Just for reference, my parents married more for upholding the cultural norm than anything. I quote my mother when I say that there was no love at the beginning of their relationship.</p>
<p>As for the joint counseling, apparently it's just for me now, because neither of my parents need counseling.</p>
<p>I'm trying to tread lightly. But I'm not making promises I won't keep.</p>
<p>First off, you are not responsible for their deaths. They are reponsible for themselves. They have a choice on how to handle things. You, however have to survive this phase of their drama. You are dependent on them for financial support and you are about to go to college. It would be in your best interest to not jeopardize that opportunity. I am not saying you are at any fault here. But you have to look at your goal and get there. You can appease them, but still be true to yourself. Once you are on your own and are independent, you can do whatever you please without their blessing. So just tread lightly. Time and distance.</p>
<p>Let's see: you're supposed to be responsible for your mother's heart problems and your father's mental health. They're certainly experts at the guilt game. Your father wants you to guarantee that you'll change-- hey, no problem, you're only 17. You can honestly say you'll change. Of course, you won't change into a straight person, but you don't have to mention that.</p>
<p>I'm sure your father is right that you are ruining his expectations for you. That's his problem, not yours. Your problem is what you do if you want to go to college but your parents won't pay their EFC.</p>
<p>If you search back a few years ago -- it would have been late October 2006 -- there was a great thread here started by a Chinese girl whose parents were mortified by her involvement in her school's GSA. She wanted to write about it in her college essays; her parents were certain that was the kiss of death. She wrote very movingly here about her dilemma, much as the OP does. Many of us predicted -- accurately, as it turned out -- that her unconventionality would be a huge plus for her applications to highly selective colleges.</p>
<p>I'm not going to suggest that reading a thread like that (and knowing how the story worked out) would allay the OP's parents' concerns. I suspect that her orientation really does concern them, and that they would trade prestige for a "safe" daughter. But it may matter to them that she isn't likely to ruin ALL their expectations for her -- that she can be successful in the world, and can be a loving, respectful child, even if she can't be everything they wish she were.</p>
<p>marite, "Did you read the OP before you typed post #25 and told her she was immature? Honestly?" - There is no point in advice unless it is an honest one. It is never late to back out. I believe, that parents are looking exactly for that. Nobody should feel to be forced to be truthful in situations like this. It is not possible to chnage their opinion in such a short time and so forcefully, they need time too. Backing out (basically telling a lie temporarily) will buy time needed and temporary relief for everybody involved. Why are you critiszing me anyway, I did not advise you.</p>
<p>AT, In reading these recent developments, I encourage you to look at the NMF full ride schools very seriously if your other scholarships do not work out. Your situation is one that, sadly, I've too often seen parents withdraw funding mid-year or even right before a semester begins. </p>
<p>I hope that your counselor is a person you can feel safe and speak openly with but be cautious at first. I know you will, but I'm a mom and I can't help but worry about you.</p>
<p>Hi Asian, so sorry for the recent developments. I agree with pugmadkate that you should really consider the full-ride schools. My son also knows of parents who either refused to pay for their kids schooling or would only pay if they transferred to a "Christian" college. You do not need them pulling that crap.</p>
<p>I think you should just lay as low as you can for now. Do you have a job? Maybe you should get one to start saving so that maybe you could move to your college in June instead of August. Go to the colleges websites - most of them will have summer housing. Contact the LGBQT clubs now & see if they have housing available also. I know that there are frats/sorority housing based on orientation at some schools.</p>
<p>As far as the principal thing, I would let them do whatever they want. Believe me the school will know how to deal with it.</p>
<p>As far as their health, it is their problem (I don't mean this meanly) but to use it against you is very immature & not fair. However, many parents do this to control their children. </p>
<p>As far as having them read the other thread about the asian girl in 2006, let me tell you that it will do no good & at this point I would just let the "gay" issue die. If your mother still wants to go to counseling I don't see anyway around that, but I think the counselor will know how to handle that & defuse the situation at home.</p>
<p>Good luck & don't feel bad for posting. I just hope that we are somewhat helpful.</p>
<p>
[quote]
How am I supposed to tell them that I don't buy into the "ex-gay" movement and that I am not going to change?
[/quote]
Don't tell them that now. Tell them that you can't predict the long-term future. Only talk about what you're willing or not willing to do now. They may need to cling to denial for now, and perhaps for a long time. Remind yourself that you're not trying to "win" an argument with them; you are rather going through a long-term process.</p>
<p>Asiantofu, I agree with mom2ofOH and pugmadkate - that you should try to matriculate to a full-ride school (or whichever school requires the lowest $$ from your parents). And, if you can get to that campus in June rather than August/September, that would be ideal. </p>
<p>I could be wrong, but I bet your parents are viewing this summer as their last and best chance to pull out all the stops and "fix" you. Your summer experience with them may be even more traumatic and disheartening than your current experience. </p>
<p>I do so wish you the best.</p>
<p>MiamiDAP:</p>
<p>You want honest, I give you honest. Before making the OP feel 2 inch high, it would be appropriate to actually read what the OP wrote. She did not make the choice to come out to her parents. So your "honest opinion" was besides the point and not in the least constructive. Got it now?</p>
<p>I don't believe that Asiantofu is pulling our legs.<br>
Asiantofu, what you can say to your dad is that you will try. You know that trying will not result in his desired outcome; but at least, by saying you will try, you are not challenging him. You are also giving him time to adjust to the reality of your sexuality when you are in college.</p>
<p>asiantofu-know that we are all thinking of u and wish the best, truly. not that i can <em>really</em> relate, but i know what it's like to have very controlling parents like yours. don't give in or sacrifice who u are. don't feel guilty for the bs your parents r throwing at u [i'm not saying they don't have health problems, but if they do or if it escalates, it has nothing to do with u]. since you're pretty much pushed into the adult role here, u might as well try to accomplish something with that power. get all the support from your friends and their parents as u can as well. good luck!!! :)</p>
<p>You do not have to act on your sexuality, OP.</p>
<p>If you do not act on it, it doesn't have to be public. Your parents possibly may not be upset in that situation.</p>
<p>If the OP is interested in tips on being celibate, I'm sure she'll ask. As for this being made up, one of the saddest things about this story is how common it is. </p>
<p>How are you doing, AT? You're in my thoughts.</p>
<p>She's already said she's celibate right now, Newtonian. </p>
<p>Asiantofu, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your parents' health problems are NOT your fault. Don't feel guilty for being who you are. If they'd wanted a boy instead of a girl, would it have been "your fault" for having two X chromosomes? </p>
<p>I would look at the full-ride colleges. Personally, I would not be promising them you will change, lest they try to send you to a brainwashing camp to try to "ungay" you. </p>
<p>Hang in there, I know this is a tough time but you can make it! <em>hugs</em></p>
<p>Hey, I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while. My parents and I went to our first counseling session today. She's an Asian immigrant herself and speaks Mandarin fluently and seems to understand where my parents are coming from very well. She also doesn't seem to be homophobic and is so far so good with handling the situation. I won't know anything for sure until I talk to her alone next week, though.</p>
<p>I moved a few bags into a friend's trunk in case anything bad happens, but for now it seems as though the situation has calmed down. I'm still concerned about my father, but my mother seems to be receptive of a lot of things the counselor had to say.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone so much for the concern. I can't say that enough.</p>