<p>My DD's roommate started dating last month. She has him over to their room almost everyday/night ever since and he wouldn't leave until very late. My DD is stressed out by this because she can't study in her room any more because her roommate and her boy friend are always there/bed or watching movies. Why people just don't give any considerate to others when they share the room with? My dd is so struggling whether to confront with them, but worries this would ruin the roommate relationship. Any one experienced this and give some advice? Thank you.</p>
<p>My advice would be communication, communication, communication-the sooner the better! My S was in the same situation and rode it out for months. The only people it affected were him and me. He was extremely stressed out, we talked/texted often. </p>
<p>Long story short-if they would have communicated in the beginning, it may have helped. May have is the key word. S ended up moving into a new room but agrees that THEY should have communicated about that situation and many others before it became angst-filled. </p>
<p>No one knows how the RM will take it, but your D needs to look out for herself and if she doesn’t say anything, nothing will change. My S is so looking forward to starting fresh in RM land next year and will communicate from the beginning.</p>
<p>yeah, this is bothering me so much when I see her stressed out over this and she needs space to study for her tests/projects. She can’t just leave the room all the time. This is affecting her grades and emotional wellness. DD gave many hints to her roommate and her boy friend about needing space to study, they just don’t seem care, and the boy said “just do whatever you want, we don’t kick you out”, how inconsiderate and immature. My dd is planning to move out to another dorm after this semester…Sigh…</p>
<p>Time to speak up in plain English to the roommate. “I signed up for one roommate, and now I have two. I am not comfortable studying with the two of you here watching movies (or whatever).” See if they can spell out hours for the boyfriend to be in the room. The next step is to ask the RA to help mediate (a good RA will ask if the two have tried to work it out for themselves first). </p>
<p>MITdreamersMOM, this is one of the more important lessons that kids learn by going away to college. It’s not just about grades, it’s about how to deal with people - including how to stand up for yourself and work out problems.</p>
<p>Good luck to your daughter!</p>
<p>It’s her roommates room too and quite frankly, having a guest over to watch movies really isn’t that big of a deal. Get her some noise cancelling headphones. She needs to talk to her roommate too. Make a deal, the boyfriend can be over on Tuesday and Thursday and your D can go to the library on those nights. It’s called compromise and they should be dealing with this themselves.</p>
<p>Sorry RM is dead wrong! Ground rules must be set up! Really now! One statement of: "put yourself in the other person’s shoes " should suffice! However we have narcissistic behavior and unfortunately less individuals put themselves in their neighbors place! Since it is her actions that are impinging or changing the dynamics of an environment, the onus is on her to "put herself in your daughters shoes ! Obviously her parents didn’t instill being considerate if others! And yes the other poster is correct … Open your dialogue and use the above example ! Her boyfriend or significant other is just as inconsiderate of you too!</p>
<p>(not to be snarky, but liberty55 - do you know of any punctuation marks other than an exclamation point?)</p>
<p>I would try to work out some sort of compromise until the end of the semester. She should tell them to split their time evenly between her room and his. This should cut the problem in half. Bet his roommate will be equally miffed if he hasn’t already given them the boot! Your DD just may have to spend a few nights in the library to make sure this does not affect her academic performance. I would advise that she let her roommate know that she is not happy about the situation and is biding her time until the end of the semester. She does need to speak up for herself so as to not be perceived as a “pushover”. My advice would be different if it weren’t so close to the end of the year.</p>
<p>My daughter had something similar happen to her at a summer program a few years back. It was a 6 week program and her roommate started bringing a boyfriend back to the suite on a regular basis - he was just basically getting in everyones way. My advice to her was to flirt incessantly with the girl’s boyfriend. She did and he was quite flattered. Problem was solved pretty quickly!</p>
<p>Did she speak up and tell them the problem? You didn’t mention if she did, but problems like this can really fester when someone doesn’t want to, or is afraid to, speak up.</p>
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<p>I disagree, especially if it is as frequent as the OP is saying. </p>
<p>Moreover, having the TV on in the same room with 3 people crammed into a tiny double is disturbing to some even if one does have headphones. IMO…the headphone suggestion places too much of the unfair burden on the more studious person…the OP.* </p>
<p>Moreover, if one is watching movies that frequently for leisure/fun…I doubt their parents are going to be happy with their priorities. </p>
<p>Personally, I made it a point to NOT bring a TV to my dormroom precisely because I knew it would be a distraction and take up precious space in the dorm. </p>
<p>I was in the weird position of having an older relative argue with me that having a TV was a necessity in a college dorm situation. Nope…TV wasn’t necessary for my 4 years in college and my mostly no-TV college classmates and I did fine…certainly better than some younger friends’ who turned their dorms into TV/videogame central and ended up with crappy grades or even on academic suspension/expulsion. </p>
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<li>I’ll admit I am of the opinion that when one is in college…academics should be priority #1 and socializing with people IRL comes a close second…meaning face-to-face…not burying yourself in electronics like TVs or text screens.</li>
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<p>Rommate is not “dead wrong” and is entitled to some time in her room with her boyfriend. The OPs D and the roommate need to start talking quickly and establish some ground rules…my advice would be a couple nights the OPs D needs to study at the library or somewhere else and they set a time every night when guests should be out – midnight or whatever is agreed upon - this is NOT an insurmountable problem unless the OPs D doesn’t say anything.</p>
<p>DD has not directly confronted with them yet, but has given hints to them many times. DD said she will find a right time to tell them cus she had to study for mid-terms last week and didn’t want to stressed more out of this. Spring break just started as today. So she will tell her roommate next week. This is very annoying that every time when she opens the door, there’s the scene of the boy lying on the roommate’s bed, that is so so so awkward!</p>
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<p>Only to the extent it doesn’t inconvenience the roommate…which it obviously has. </p>
<p>Then again, I am of the opinion that if one wants to be with boyfriend as often as is recounted by the OP…they really should be getting themselves a single room or an off-campus apartment. </p>
<p>Shared dormrooms weren’t originally intended for romantic couples to be spending much time with each other. In fact, many of them were designed and built in an era when having a SO in one’s room was either prohibited or tightly restricted to certain times of day, length of time allowed, and other onerous restrictions(i.e. One foot must be on the floor at all times and door was not to be closed).</p>
<p>Having one’s SO in their room every day is too much…especially if one has roommates in close quarters(shared room). I doubt this would be a problem if each person had their own private bedroom…especially one with walls thick enough to block out noise from adjacent units.</p>
<p>Moreover, the fact the boyfriend was presumptuous to say “just do whatever you want, we don’t kick you out” is illustrating that he is so disrespectful of boundaries and his sense of place that I’m not too sympathetic to the roommate and BF needs to be accommodated. WTH…were they both raised in a barn…him for even thinking it was ok to comment like that and the roommate for not immediately saying anything?!!</p>
<p>^ yeah, that was why my dd is so stressed out and so disappointed about her roommate of not saying anything when her BF made that comment. WTH…</p>
<p>Students have the right to walk around in their pjs or even underwears in their room without having someone’s BF there. Of course, your D could start parading around in her undies, her RM may very quickly leave her Bf. I agree that communication is key. I would tell the RM that they are welcome to be in the room by themselves when D is in class, and D would give her prior notice if she is coming to come back unexpectedly in order to give them maximum privacy, but otherwise she would prefer if the BF didn’t come over all the time, and leave by 10 or 11pm. Some people do not take hints very well. They need to be hit smack in the face.</p>
<p>I agree on trying to set up some ground rules after spring break. It has to be a compromise, though–what if the roommate doesn’t like a friend (platonic) your daughter brings over all the time? She needs to make sure it doesn’t come across as sour grapes that her roommate has a boyfriend and she does not. Also, with all the technology available to these kids, why can’t they work out something where the roommate texts your daughter if she wants to bring the BF over, to see if it is inconvenient? Scheduling everything down to the day and hour is probably not going to go over well. There should be some leeway for spontaneity, to a degree.</p>
<p>Agree with cobrat that the guy sounds like kind of a cretin, which I’m sure is not helping matters.</p>
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<p>I would suggest that there is a lot of ground between “hint” and “confront.” “Talk pleasantly and calmly,” for example.</p>
<p>Your D should discuss this with the RM alone, <em>NOT</em> with the BF present. She needs to work out some kind of compromise. “I know it doesn’t bother you guys if I am in the room, but it does bother me. I’m finiding it hard to concentrate and study. I’d like to work something out where you two can be together but I can have use of the room without X there, too. Could you guys spend half of the time in HIS room?” And go from there.</p>
<p>Your D just needs to have a conversation with the roommate. Some are oblivious as to how much they’re bothering others and just need to be told. Sitting there stressing about it is doing no one any good. </p>
<p>I really don’t see the big deal. Just talk to the RM and set some ground rules. If it doesn’t work, bring in the RA.</p>
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<p>Considering how the roommate and that BF have been acting…the language above sounds a bit too timid and the roommate/BF is likely to ignore it. </p>
<p>Granted, I may be biased as I am a male who found from my own experience and observing others in conflict situations that there are times when being bluntly direct is more appropriate.</p>
<p>Your D is causing her own stress by not talking to her roommate about this. I stand by what I said though, it’s her roommate’s room as well and they need to work out a compromise. From the roommate’s view-this has been allowed for a month now and your D hasn’t said anything to her so I can easily see why the roommate thinks it is ok. She is creating this situation as much as the roommate is-and, there ARE other places to study…</p>