What can I do about my roommate? I've tried everything.

Student Lounge College Life
1

So…this is my first post here, and I need to rant.

I’m an out-of-state undergraduate student at a public university. I moved into my room last month with my completely insufferable roommate. Like…I can’t even stand her at all. It is 2:00 in the morning and I’m sitting in the lounge fuming.

She has no grasp on others’ wishes for quietness! Every day, all day, she’s on the phone with her boyfriend, who lives wherever she came from. I can’t even have lunch or dinner with her because I get ignored the entire time while she talks to her boyfriend. At least be courteous. When I talk to my girlfriend, I make sure I’m not intruding on others.
They also talk at night. I’d have no problem with this if they didn’t argue, loudly, every day – when I’m trying to sleep. I feel bad even existing in the same space when she starts to cry because of her meathead boyfriend.

She goes to bed at 9 every night, without fail, and again, I wouldn’t have a problem with this, if she also respected me while I was asleep. I am a late sleeper and late waker, and her stupid noise wakes me up every morning. At least when she’s trying to sleep, I either leave the room or just lie in bed using on my phone.

She wants to bring her boyfriend here – to stay in our room. I am uncomfortable with this for many reasons, but I’ll list one - trauma. Any man that isn’t related to me makes me paranoid. I cannot even be in the same space as them. I wish she would make sleeping accommodations for her boyfriend somewhere else. There are lots of cheap hotels around.

I’ve tried many times to confront her about these issues, to no avail. When I confronted her about the phone situation, she said she’d stop, but still continues, as if the conversation had never happened. When I confronted her about the sleep situation, she basically ignored me.

I agreed, initially, like a laid-back moron, to let her bring her boyfriend here, but once it sunk in I started having serious second thoughts. Especially if they’re going to bring their ridiculous arguments into my physical space.

I really am at a loss! I cannot request a roommate change because our housing building is full to the brim. I cannot move somewhere else because I don’t know anyone who lives here, and I am from out of state. I want to complain to the RA about this, but I don’t want to be a bother.

2

I don’t think it would be that much of a bother to the RA. I mean you’ve done your part, you already confronted her and all but she doesn’t listen, then I think its best to take it to someone with authority.

3

As someone with early classes – get over it or invest in some earplugs. We can only be so quiet while getting ready. I make an effort not to close the door loudly or slam things around, but nobody should have to wrap all of their possessions in cotton to make sure they’re being completely silent while doing their makeup.

Boy, are you going to have a hard time in class. Tell your roommate that you’re really sorry but you’ve realized that having her boyfriend sleep over makes you really uncomfortable and could they make alternate arrangements this time? Then get professional help for your hang ups.

4

How would you be a bother to an RA when it is literally their job to keep the peace in the dorms? I would definitely chat with your RA about your roommate, but maybe give a heads up to your roommate first. Just say “I feel like you aren’t listening to me and I wish we could be civil adults about this and work it out ourselves. But since that doesn’t seem to be working I am thinking of talking to our RA.” Some RA’s can offer roommate mediations and roommate contracts where you two can discuss different things and what you agree upon. I would suggest that you also try to be flexible as well. As for her having her boyfriend stay over maybe you can suggest a time limit. Like to start you can suggest he stays for one night only or whatever. Learning to compromise and work together is important or you are in for a rough year. Best of luck.

Oh and maybe visiting a counselor at school could be beneficial for your trauma with men. If you are that uncomfortable with men then you will not be able to concentrate on your school work and learning. Now that you are at school then you should use the resources they offer you.

5

Some of these things are part and parcel of having a roommate, but some of them are resolvable.

If she’s always on the phone with her boyfriend, there’s really nothing you can do about that. Stop having lunch or dinner with her. As the semester wears on, I bet you she’ll eventually ditch him (or he’ll ditch her). You can do something about the noise, though. Don’t just stop at asking her when she’s not talking; when she is talking too loudly, interrupt her and ask her if she could keep it down or maybe take her phone conversation into the lounge or elsewhere. (But don’t expect that all the time - sometimes you will need to be the one to go to the lounge.)

The noises in the morning…that really depends on how loud she’s being. If she’s just making normal getting-ready noises, yeah, you’ll just have to deal. It’s part of sharing a room. But if she’s turning on party music and talking on the phone, I think it’s fair to ask her to keep it quiet while you sleep. (The exception is if you’re sleeping past, I would say, about 9-10 am. Then it’s just time for you to get up.)

You should have been upfront about your wishes for her boyfriend staying there; it’s kind of difficult now to tell her that her boyfriend can’t stay, because she may have already made arrangements for him to come that are unchangeable. I think you’ll have to suck that one up, but afterwards you should have a talk with her and make it clear that you are not comfortable with her boyfriend staying in your room. That said, think about that before you agree - because if you ever want to have your girlfriend come stay, that’ll be an unfair scenario.

And yes, I agree - it’s the RA’s job to listen to your complaints and help you solve your problems, so don’t feel like you are bothering them by complaining. However, it is also the RA’s job to help you come to a constructive solution that works for you and your roommate - not to simply listen to you whine or to be on your side and not your roommate’s. So keep that in mind when you talk, and go in solution-oriented!

6

If you’ve only talked to her about it once, then try talking to her about it again. It might be a habit that’s hard to break, or she might not realize how loud she’s being. Some people are more sensitive to noise than others. She might think she’s not being that loud when you think she’s being impossibly loud. Or she might forget when she’s in the moment–it’s sometimes hard to remember to be quiet when your laughing (or even crying, given how you say the conversations go). She might come from a really loud family or a really big family, so she’s used to being loud. Try to give her the benefit of the doubt and ask again. When you’re trying to sleep, maybe ask her if she could take the phone call outside (asking her when it’s happening might be more direct than asking her at a different time). When she’s being too loud, maybe ask her to keep it down because you’re trying to study (or whatever). Eventually, she might develop the habit of going outside to talk on the phone or keeping the noise down, or she might not. But you have to keep trying.

If you’ve tried several times and nothing has changed, then talk to your RA and ask if they have suggestions for other things you can try. I’m sure they’ve dealt with this situation before. Also, about not wanting to bother them, this is their job. They’re paid to do this. If it makes you feel better, maybe you could see if they have “office hours” or specific “on duty” hours where they’re just sitting in their room doing nothing. I know our RAs had times like that when they had to be in their rooms and available to talk. Most of the time, they sat around and did nothing. Really, you’d be doing them a favor by going in with an actual problem.

Also, make sure you’re being reasonable about your requests and that you’re doing your part to be a good roommate as well. Have you tried ear plugs? If you’re wearing good ear plugs and she’s still WAY too loud, then it’s reasonable to ask her to be quiet. Try to figure out if she’s being too loud or maybe you’re being too sensitive to noise. When she wakes up in the morning, you can’t expect her to just lie in bed until you deign to get up. She has to start her day–get ready for class, study/finish homework, eat a snack, whatever. If she’s talking loudly on her phone, sure, ask if she doesn’t mind taking it outside because you’re still sleeping. But otherwise, she’s starting her day and she can do it quietly, but at some point, you can’t be any quieter. I had a friend once whose roommate would wake up if she did ANYTHING–stand up, close the door (even incredibly quietly), open the closet, change clothes, even turn on the light in the hallway (when the door to their room was closed). It was completely unreasonable, but it didn’t stop her roommate from asking her not to do this or do that. I’m not there so I don’t know what’s really happening, but make sure that you’re also making an effort to compromise and be reasonable. There are two sides to every story.

About the boyfriend, just tell her that you’re sorry but you’ve been thinking about it, and you’re really not comfortable with her boyfriend spending the night. You agreed before because you didn’t want to be mean, but you’ve had some bad experiences in the past and you’re really not comfortable with a stranger spending the night. Your getting help for this problem that you have, but you really hope she can understand. But that only works if you actually do get help. I hope you have gotten help for your past trauma (or are currently getting help). It’s your room, not his, and you deserve to feel safe in that space. Maybe there’s a friend at your school that he could bunk with for the night.

I’m really curious how your roommate and her boyfriend talk at night when you’re trying to sleep, but your roommate also goes to bed at 9 every night.

And why are you in the lounge at 2 in the morning, if your roommate went to bed at 9? Does she wake up in the middle of the night?

7

Another thing I’d recommend getting a good sound machine for white noise. I have two Marpac’s in our house and it helps a lot. They run about $50 on amazon.

8

I’m going to be Mama Bear:

Talk to the RA, it really is his/her job.

Tell her, I’m sorry, I’ve spoken to my parents and they are upset that your boyfriend wants to share our room. So tell your boyfriend, No, because Im not comfortable with it either. If she fights you on this, tell her you are going to the RA. Also, tell her, “You may want to go to housing and check on singles; I can’t afford a single but I care about my classes so I need rest, and I’m not getting that with your schedule.”

Put up reminder signs, that’s what my dd did with two of her three roommates. “Quiet hours-11:00 pm to 8 am”

Do not go out to eat with her!

It sounds like she doesn’t have any friends, so if she continues to self-isolate, then she’ll find out, quickly, how much the boyfriend is impacting her school life. She doesn’t want to be where her boyfriend isn’t, so give it a couple of months, at the most. She’ll be gone.

9

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If the OP is being considerate and quiet to the roommate when she goes to bed at NINE PM every night (?!?!?!) I’d say it would be more than fair for the roommate to be considerate and quiet to the OP until at least 11 AM. I mean, the roommate is going to bed about 3-4 hours earlier than the average college student, at least judging by my college experience.

As for the boyfriend - dorm rooms are small and the last thing I’d want is a third person (who is a guy and a stranger) sharing my space. If he’s visiting for one night, that’s reasonable. You’re still within your rights to refuse, but what she’s asking isn’t that big a deal. However, if she wants him to camp out for several nights, that’s REALLY pushing it.

I would recommend turning your music up so loud that she can’t even hear her boyfriend on the phone, but that’s me. (: Agree that you should talk to the RA if you’re really having trouble dealing with the situation on your own.

10

I don’t know if I even believe that, because OP then turns around and complains that the roommate is waking her up by talking on the phone at night. The roommate isn’t awake to do that, if the previous sentence is to be believed (as baktrax noted upthread).

11

I currently am in a community college now but I did have a roommate experience in a college one summer for a Governor’s program for arts. We had to stay in the university and take classes. It was just like college life, but a younger age.

I had a roommate who was really quiet but she had a temper, and she was not into hanging out with people, although we did get a long (I think). I love quiet moments too, and I love spending time with myself but it wasn’t the same level as hers. I was the one who talked to my boyfriend a lot over the summer, but tried to keep possible fights between us limited to texts so it doesn’t get too disruptive. My roommate was very open to me talking to my boyfriend and even better, she was a deep sleeper and so she never complained about my conversations with my boyfriend late at night. usually by then I just start chatting through text instead of video chats and phone calls.

We both minded our own businesses which was good. But the problem is she would wake up at 4am and start banging doors and drawers that really bothered me. One time, we decided to eat lunch together and I took a nap. I asked her to wake me up around 11:25 but she never did. Instead, she started doing the usual: banging drawers and doors. I got up and I said “What time is it?” and she furiously said “it’s 11:45” and almost left me in the room. We never ate together, and hung out, because she refused to and she always wanted to hide in the room. She would find it weird if other people sat with us and ditched people if she had to. I had other reasons to flip out on her but I didn’t.

The thing is, you and your roommate are two different people. This is not your typical, everyday habit now with the same old folks. You’re living a life in a new state with a roommate that you are not having good terms with and I feel like you need to stress it to her more than you have. Maybe set up agreements with her and tell her your preferences and see if she would agree. If any conversation about the issue doesn’t do any good, just complain about it to the RA.

And I honestly didn’t know that you could have a boyfriend just sleep in the building (and I’m assuming he doesn’t even go to your university?). if you’re uncomfortable with it tell her. If she disagrees, tell the RA.

But the rest, you’ll just have to forget and move on. The more you acknowledge her bad habits, the more it stacks in your head and you find more fault on the little things that shouldn’t even be annoying. You don’t want to hold a grudge just because you’re always thinking about the stuff she does that bugs you.

12

IMO turning up the music loud (post #8) is a bad idea. It won’t solve anything.

Your roommate sounds pretty immature, and kind of a mess. I’d suggest that the two of you go to the RA together to work on these issues.

As for the boyfriend visit, if he comes for, say, just a weekend, could it be arranged that he could come at a time when you are away? Or is there someone else that you could stay with for a couple of nights? I’m in no way suggesting that there is any obligation on your part to do this–I’m just saying that maybe there are ways to compromise in order to make some progress. She can have the room for a weekend, as long as she doesn’t talk past midnight on the phone, for example.

It is amazing how oblivious some people are to the impact they are having on others. I hope you are able to find ways to show her how significantly her actions are affecting you.

13

So OP goes to bed BEFORE 9 in ordered to be bothered by the roommate talking on the phone at night because the roommate goes to bed at 9 every night?

If this at 2:00am or something, I could see it being a problem but before 9 is fair game for phone calls.

Honestly, OP, it seems to me like you are overly sensitive. The roommate isn’t really doing anything wrong. Talking on the phone or getting up for early morning classes is not illegal or mean. Even if the RA gets dragged into this, he really can’t do anything besides maybe move you as a mutual disagreement. It’s not like the roommate is making meth in the room or committing a crime.

14

I know it’s not illegal or mean for her to be up, and it really wouldn’t bother me if she didn’t constantly slam doors and generally make a racket.

I apologise for not clarifying this. She usually goes to bed at 9 if she’s not talking to anyone, but when she is, she is up until 1,2, or later in the morning.

I asked her politely to stop talking when I’m trying to study/sleep, and instead of stopping, she went and talked about me to our suitemates. REALLY shows how mature she is. So I’m just going to ignore her as much as I can.

15

^^^ I agree, both of my dd’s had similar situations.

She needs to be aware that she is really working hard at alienating people.

16

For what it’s worth, OP, you’re a lively writer with a strong voice…look at this semester as being the first layer of a great future novel. Or play. (I’d pay to see it :slight_smile:

17

At this point I would suggest making up a roommate agreement where you talk about what is allowed in your room.

Quiet time is before 9:00am and after 9:00pm.

Getting dressed/ready for bed is allowed.
Using computer with headphones is allowed.
Talking on phone is not allowed…go to lounge.
No males staying over. Say that you understand it is a problem for her , but you just can’t. Tell her you thought about it, but due to previous trauma you are getting anxious so she will need to go elsewhere.
Is it okay to ever eat the other persons food/borrow things?

If she wants to talk to her BF during lunch dinner, that is her issue. I would not mention it as you can eat with others.

Before you do this, talk to your RA. Explain what your issues are and that you want to come up with a roommate agreement and do they suggest on how to approach roommate and what should be on it. Also talk that she wants BF to stay over but you have had past trauma inthat area and just cannot feel safe if she does that.

This way you are giving the RA a heads up that there may be issues, but that you are trying to take care of it.

On the other hand, if you ever go home for the weekend you can let her know that she can have himover when you are not there.

18

It would help to know the layout of your suite (as you call it)? Do you have multiple shared rooms off of a common area? Is that the lounge you refer to or is the lounge elsewhere in the dorm? If the former, why can’t she go to the lounge to have late night conversations/arguments with BF? You are totally within your rights to refuse to have her BF stay over in your your shared room. Ick. I went to college in the 70s but I would not have wanted sex going on across the room from me (and did not impose that on my roommates). If theirs is not a sexual relationship, why can’t he/they sleep in the lounge/common area? The suggestion by bopper that he could stay over if you are away is a considerate one.

19

I think agreeing not to have any guys sleep over is reasonable, that seems fairly standard-fare.

Quiet hours after a time like 11:00pm seems reasonable, after that take your phone calls into the hall or whatever.

As for getting up early, that one you just have to live with. People have early classes sometimes.

Normally, I take the side of the complaining roommate in these situations, but anything falling outside of what I mentioned is a matter of over-sensitivity

PS: OP you don’t have to eat with this person.

20

Thank you very much!!