@mom2collegekids There are some credit cards for students that work like debit cards. You can put money on it, and that is the limit for spending.
I don’t believe there are two different systems at his school. Like ClaremontMom’s kid, most of his classes had only a few things graded. Most were papers and a final exam and often the midterm and/or papers were not graded until late in the semester. Reading was often the only assignment besides papers.
But regardless, even if his grades were posted on a regular basis, I would have never looked. I honestly never cared what his grades were. They were his grades not mine. It was up to him, and him alone, to do well enough to graduate. If he didn’t, then he didn’t.
I never looked at his high school grades either until after grading period was over. He was a very lazy student through middle school and we were constantly after him so when it appeared after first few weeks in high school was the same thing, we pulled him and put him in private school and decided we would become totally hands off and let school deal with it. Made for a much more pleasant home life. He completely turned it around and did very well in both high school and college. He just graduated in May and has great job.
I read a few comments, and I was actually surprised by their responses. I have a son in college, and he’s NEVER ignored me. Red flags are going off in my head, and I’m actually really shocked that people think this is normal teenage behavior. I would be cutting that kid off for such rude disrespect, and I would also be really concerned that something else is going on. What I think is probably going on, though, is that he finally found some freedom, and he’s really enjoying himself, which is great, but he needs to balance that with his commitments - one of those being to CALL HOME!
Megan, I’m not sure which selective posts you read but people saying this is normal are very few and far between.
My kid is at the same school as ClaremontMom’s S, just 2 years ahead of him. About half of my D’s classes had grades posted in the first two years, including homework grades (not just exams).
And normally parents shouldn’t be looking at that level, unless there is a serious question about whether the kid is actually attending classes and doing any work. All of you who keep saying you didn’t check pretty much had kids who weren’t at risk for that.
@collegemom999999, I think it’s great that you have reined in his spending, but I think it would be better to give him a monthly amount, thereby allowing him more control and independence. He will quickly learn the consequences of running through his money at the beginning of the month. Also, I hope that the way you have set this up allows for saving on his part: if he doesn’t use up the money for the week/month, is the next week/month’s added to the total available?
IMNSHO, one’s kid should be reasonably communicative and respectful because of mutual affection and respect, not because one controls the purse strings. I really disagree with the oft-expressed sentiment here: “We are paying for college, so he should call us/do what we demand.”
If you had a major financial reversal, and your kid suddenly was on a full need-based ride and you couldn’t give him/her an allowance, would s/he suddenly be relieved of the obligation to contact you occasionally, respond to your inquiries, and treat you well? Is the power of the purse everything? If a grandparent is the source of money, are the kid’s obligations solely to him or her?
When my kid went to college, we were neither paying his COA nor giving him an allowance. We couldn’t control him with financial threats. This does not mean, I hasten to add, that parents are obligated to pour out funding and allowances to a kid who isn’t functioning. But…
Just to clarify, since my S just started I can’t really say what it’s like there (with intparent’s D) with grade posting. But for my D across the street it has been very sparse compared to HS. And no, I’m not looking at them directly, but when I ask my D how she’s doing in class I usually get “I don’t know — ok I think, nothing’s posted” type of answers. She usually has a “feel” but nothing concrete. Obviously it varies by teacher, but in comparison to HS where you had such insight, it’s been quite a different experience!
You mention a few things that lead many of us to think your son is an athlete. Not trying to know too much, but If this is the case, you also need to be sensitive to the pressure he is likely under trying to fit in and establish his place in the pecking order.
Other athletes, while at times friends, can also be rivals even at the same school. Your son is competing daily for his roster spot, travel team, playing time, etc. depending on the sport. This is not his HS team, not everyone plays nice! You may want to remind him that while the coach may turn a blind eye to drinking/drugs that happen off the field, the school has likely a very strict violation policy on underage drinking. Just because his team mates are older and legal does not mean he will not get in trouble if something gets reported.
At my son’s school, drinking and fraternities were very prevalent. Even though athletes where prohibited from joining fraternities, the team and other athletes had their own unofficial one of sorts. The coaches all knew and my son even laughed about the coach holding early am Sunday practices to shake up the hungover kids. However, one party warranted the police showing up and writing up all of the underage kids. Any of the underage athletes in attendance had scholarships cut and were immediately taken off the travel roster for the next several weeks. Non- athletes apparently got community service. (Ironically the school is known for supporting the local community, now we know why they always have so many “volunteers” ) My son’s roommate at the time was one of the ones written up, and he felt like some of the other kids on the team set him up on purpose, (he is a nationally ranked athlete in his sport). The public notification was that he had an eligibility violation, if you listen you hear that one all the time on the Sat college football games 
My point of sharing all this is not to make excuses for your son, but to make sure that you too realize there is likely a lot going on and you may not hear everything. He may be getting pressure from all sides and rather than make him feel guilty or tell him he hurt you, just make sure he knows that he can come to you with anything. 18yr olds are not the most emotionally mature individuals and above all else make sure he knows mom and dad are his safe haven.
One of my s’s was more communicative than the other when they were each in college. Older s was more comfortable sharing grades, etc, but both understood we would expect to see them as part of the deal to continue to support them. We moved a certain amount of spending money into each of their accounts each month, so had access to their accounts and could see their cashflow (they paid their own credit card bills-- they had cards in their own name). When we saw one s’s cashflow moving a bit too quickly, we had a “come to Jesus” (as it were) conversation with him. Nothing confrontational-- just inquiring what was up with the expenditures. Well, some of it was a hobby he curtailed a bit after our conversation, but the other was that he was fronting and lending his roommates $, and giving them rides all over the place and not asking for help with the gas $. The “lending” or “fronting” seemed to turn into a gift, as often that $ wasnt repaid. So, as generous as he was being (with our $) we had to let him know that he was not “the bank of college roommates”, and that needed to stop. They could take turns doing shopping , or each kick in funds, contribute to gas, etc. We let him work it out to what he was comfortable with (some of his roommates really were on a very tight budget, and if he didn’t want to hit them up for gas, that was ok) but our S needed to stay in his budget. And he did. We are fortunate that they have listened and learned and are careful with their $. No one has had to have a copy of Dave Ramsey, though they did eat their version of rice and beans (ramen, soba or mac and cheese) often. I once had a dinner for all the roommates delivered as a gift. You’d have thought they’d died and gone to heaven. Got some parent points that day 
I thought maybe he was on the debate team. 
He spent $400 and then blocked you, when you called him on it?
Oh, heck no. I would email him or whatever is still going through and tell him he had better not be buying weed or anything, and that the phone would be shut off in 24 hours unless I were unblocked and responded to each and every time I contact him.
I’m not a pestering type, so by golly, if I text, I shall receive an answer, especially if I am paying for the phone!
I’d be worried about drugs, with the abrupt changes you mention. Go find him and see what is going on.
I dont think he is an athlete. Maybe on the marching band or a corps of cadets…
The 20 hours makes me suspect he is an athlete since that is the official NCAA limit on practice, but the $400 in drinking has me questioning that. My daughter is not allowed to drink 24 hours before a practice or 48 hours before a game, and it’s strictly enforced. Of course kids do it, but not to the tune of $400 since they have to go to private homes. DD was pretty mad that the coach called a practice on the Sunday before Labor Day since that meant the team members couldn’t tailgate at the first football game on Saturday. The coach doesn’t even allow them to BE with others drinking.
I think OP should show up at one of these events that happen every weekend. A game, debate, meeting? They have to be open to the public if it is an activity that takes up so much time and money.
I too think it’s time for a drive up.
We all have different relationships with our kids. My relationships with my kids became closer and stronger while they were in college. They did and do rely on me for advice. But, I asked each kid before he/she left to sign an affidavit that allowed their schools to provide me with information on health, academic, financial and other problems. If your kid has a concussion and is in the infirmary, they wouldn’t be allowed to talk about it or possible treatments with you unless you had some kind of waiver.
We did not ask our kids to earn money while they were in school and provided all spending money. OP was planning to do the same. It worked well for us as they were extremely responsible students and generally responsible with money. That approach is not going to work for the OP, at least in the short run.
collegemom9999, if son is 18 or older, the school cannot share his grades or other info with you unless he signs a waiver saying that it is OK to share with you. It is the law: http://www2.ed.gov/policy/gen/guid/fpco/ferpa/index.html
I think it’s normal for some kids to want to talk to their parents less than their parents want to talk to them. It’s not normal for a kid to block phone calls and it’s not normal for a kid to whiz through $400 without an explanation. (You could easily spend it on textbooks, that doesn’t appear to be the case here.) I’d be worried if I were this parent.
I agree that communication is about mutual respect, not about who holds the purse strings. One thing the OP might do, is to say, “we’d like to hear from you on a regular basis. What form of communication would you prefer and how often do you think is a minimum?”
I brought this thread up with one of my daughters last night (a senior in HS). I don’t think it would ever happen to me, but the OP didn’t either, so I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Her reactions:
- That would never happen to "us." @-)
- The entire time the son was sitting with his mom doing homework, he was probably counting the hours until he wasn't supervised.
- The mom should dial back the contact a lot.
- With room and board paid for, she'd consider herself lucky if we gave her $30 per month, let alone per day.
- Her words: "He's not answering texts and getting away with blocking his mother's number? That's so rude. If his mother needs to hear from him why can't he humor her and send her a text every week saying he's alive?"
- Reminds me of <>.
I’m SO glad for this thread, both because it has obviously helped the OP, but also because it has opened dialog with my own DD.
I feel for you OP. Sending hugs.
I don’t think this is just a case of a boy asserting his independence from mom. I think there is potentially a more serious problem. Perhaps he will right the ship on his own if there is a problem, but there is no guarantee.
You are right to tighten the purse strings (perhaps that in itself will be the wake-up call he needs), though I would keep communication open and not make threats. If he is in some kind of trouble (not attending class, etc.), he could feel backed into a corner. I’m not saying to be lenient and have no expectation, but it’s important to stay calm. I would not shut down his phone. You need to be the adult here even though he has been hurtful to you. You did all that you for him during his HS years so that he would have a bright future and a happy life. Whether it was the best way is not up for debate at this point. But, keep your ultimate goal in mind.
I would not hesitate to visit and would do so ASAP. I would keep conversations (either text or in person) positive and upbeat. “How are your classes. How is your roommate, other activities/clubs, etc. We want what’s best for you, we want you to be happy.” He needs to know you are on his side. Ask the typical questions. If he expresses anger about the loss of unlimited funds, tell him you have both thought about it and realized his every need is taken care of, and he really doesn’t need $400 a month. You understand he wants some money to have fun, and you are fine with that. But, this is what you will give you for that and anything else is on him. Explain it matter of factly so it isn’t an argument. Realize he will survive and will be better in the long run without all this money. It’s the right thing to do, so it really shouldn’t be a difficult conversation.
You get more with honey than vinegar. He will not tell you anything if you are aggressive or accusatory. That’s not to say roll over and give him everything he wants. It’s just a matter of keeping the lines of communication open, so he can reach out if he decides to.
I also sense he is an athlete. If so:
- Is there a team parent? Can you get info from a team parent as far as a senior on the team who is responsible and could look out for him?
- Do you have any sense of whether the coach (or whoever is leading his 20-hr activity) could be helpful? I understand some would be more helpful than others.
This is a huge transition on both sides. I do feel for you. Please keep us posted.
Do college sports HAVE team parents?? Never heard of that, but if so, I think that is totally stepping across the line of what is acceptable for a parent of a college student. Yes, things do sound a little off in terms of the son’s behavior but the OP has pretty much admitted being WAY over the top in terms of her communication. No college student needs to be bombarded the way it sounds like he has nor should he shoulder the burden of a parent’s happiness and purpose in life.
Being that son is only 2 hours away, a face to face visit is in order to calmly and productively a) make sure things are ok and b) establish some ground rules for both the son and the mother (and father!) to reestablish a healthy, communicative relationship - topics to be covered include mutually agreeable communication levels and means of communication, spending allowances, academic expectations and grade sharing (end of semester should suffice), etc. as it seems this was not discussed prior to son leaving for college.