My first was a girl and then I had 2 boys. The girl would call me every time she was walking across campus alone for I guess safety reasons, she texted all the time and often posted on Facebook, so I heard from her all the time. The boys, not so much. My third is much more independent than the first two. At some point you have to trust that you did a good job and you have to let go. That being said, I do have several ways that I look for “signs of life”. If I haven’t heard from him in a while, I will send him a stupid snapchat of the dog and see if he opens it. I look at the activity on his debit card (which is linked to mine). If there are multiple visits to Chipotle, I know he is alive. Now and then I will text him “alive?”. And he knows to text back. Almost 100% of our conversations are thru text messages. I think that you can make a deal with your son, if you promise not to block my calls, I promise not to pester you with lots of calls. I have friends who had a standing “date” with their college boy to talk or Skype very Sunday night, or some other pre-determined time. So maybe you make a deal that in exchange for his allowance/phone he needs to give you a certain amount of texts or a call once a week, or something along those lines.
IF you go to Parents Weekend. Realize that some kids will want to spend every minute with you, and others will have very little time for you. So don’t expect to spend the entire weekend with him. When we went, we signed up for all the Parent Weekend activities and our kids joined us when they could. We looked at it as “observing our college student in their natural habitat” and that was it. We me lots of other parents who were in our same position and had a really good time. But if you go assuming you will spend every minute with your kid, it might be a recipe for disaster.
I know I said it was within the range of normal behavior for a freshman boy not to communicate with his parents during the first month. I don't want anyone to think that I believe blocking his mother's calls or blowing hundreds of dollars without explanation is within the range of normal behavior.
This situation has been going on for how long? Two weeks? Three? It is waaaaay too early to conclude that anything really serious besides a little rebellion is happening. Sure, there's a chance that something serious is going on, but that chance is tiny. Showing up unannounced for a face-to-face at this point could make things worse, or at least keep them from getting better. The OP has turned off the money spigot, which is a good idea. I would recommend letting the whole situation cool down for a few weeks before proposing a visit. My guess is that they will hear from him before then.
If the OP and her husband do decide to demand a visit, it sounds like it should probably be the dad who visits. And I would take a lot of care to make certain the son does not feel embarrassed or humiliated in front of his friends/teammates. So NO "observing him in his natural habitat"; no intrusion on his turf. That will come later, in the natural course of things, once the relationship is repaired. (I LOVED meeting my kids' friends and seeing their dorm rooms, etc., but I didn't force that on them.)
Note: I am not in the least suggesting that the son has a “right” to his privacy here. I am suggesting that respecting his (unreasonable) privacy needs is probably a good way to de-fuse the volatility of a mandatory meeting. If the OP and father decide that there is more evidence of a serious problem, privacy be damned – but they are a long way from having that kind of evidence.
At first, S1 was very quiet at school…probably “cutting the apron strings” and that’s ok.
But, soon he’d start getting grades back from tests and HW and he’d text his results…I liked that.
The first month on campus, he spent very little money.
But, after that, he and his friends started venturing off campus more and his “emergency CC” started having lots of small (his only) charges on them…$10 here (lunch), $30 there (dinner), $20 (movie, popcorn, Coke), etc. It started to really add up. One weekend could have $100 in charges, easily. So, when I got a $400+ CC bill, I put the kabosh on that…gave him a $50 weekend limit…and he had to GET A JOB the next semester. lol Now, he’s so frugal…when it’s HIS money!
“my kid’s college has two different systems. One for billing, course registration, tracking major and requirements completion, seeing final grades, requesting transcripts, etc. Then a completely different system with info for each class (announcements, assignments, a Dropbox for turning in assignments, and ongoing grade info during the semester). Not all the teachers put grades in as the semester goes along, but a lot do.”
My kids’ schools have this too. The more official university site for transcripts, final grades, paying bills. Then another (maybe called Blackboard) which is more day by day academic stuff coming from the teacher of each class – quiz grades, reading assignments, etc.
All of the consent form stuff for all of the various systems was way too much of a hassle for me. So much simpler just to log in as the kid if there’s a need.
There is a FERPA exception that gives parents of dependent students the right to see education records:
“Another exception permits a school to disclose personally identifiable information from education records without consent when the disclosure is to the parents of a “dependent student” as that term is defined in Section 152 of the Internal Revenue Code. Generally, if either parent has claimed the student as a dependent on the parent’s most recent year’s income tax statement, the school may non-consensually disclose the eligible student’s education records to both parents under this exception.”
jan880, that is not how it works at my house. I get to set any conditions I want to on the things I provide. If I let my child use the cell phone I pay for (or the car, or the internet, or their bedrooms), I set the rules. If they don’t like the rules, they are free to make other arrangements for a phone, car, internet or bedroom (or college, for that matter). I don’t think I’m unreasonable to require that they not block my calls, not text and drive, not surf the net for porn and not have their boyfriends to their bedrooms, but if they disagree, they can make other arrangements. It is not a gift, it is using my things. One of my kids has always been on my brother’s cell plan and he’s always provided her phone. Didn’t matter, she is my kid and I set the rules.
I did give my kids an allowance while they were in high school and didn’t put restrictions on how they spent it, but they knew if I didn’t like how they were spending it, the allowance would be stopped. Buying alcohol or drugs? Stopped. Buying inappropriate clothing? Stopped. I never had to do that. Sometimes they’d tell me their phone had died or they couldn’t text me right back because of some excuse or another. That didn’t go over well especially if they had time to call a friend or just enough juice to play a game or something.
No @jan890@twoinanddone clearly stated her kids were welcome to pay their own way if they didn’t like the rules.
That’s what grown-ups do. If you want to live by your own rules as a grown-up you are free to pay your own bills as a grown-up.
How will parents know? Porn isn’t free and if her child is charging porn to uncle’s cell I’d bet he’d cut it off BDQ.
If they want to risk having their parental support cut off by their parent finding out they have been having sex in the parent’s house or dorm room paid for by parent that’s the chance they take.
Bottom line, parents are free to set any rules they like and children are free to follow them or not, but must know there are consequences to their actions.
I have to agree with @jan890. Things that are the law, or have to do with safety, like texting and driving? That’s one thing. Pretty much every teenager knows how to clear their phone and/or computer’s cache and history, however, and forbidding college students from looking at porn or being with their boy/girlfriends is just going to result in them hiding it from you. I’m not sure them going away is the time you want to discourage communication.
Totally fine on the other rules for things you’re paying for. My kids know if they leave the radio on or trash in my car the next time they ask to borrow it the answer’s going to be no.
Pissed off roommate maybe? Gossip? Parents find out things any number of ways.
If porn is free how come so much money is being made from it? It was my understanding it was a multi-million dollar industry but you seem to have more experience with porn than I do so I could be wrong.
If a roommate called another roommate’s parents to tell them that he/she was having sex, that first roommate would almost certainly never have friends again in that dorm/circle of friends.
Actually, now that I think about it, I’m confused as to how Roommate A would have Roommate B’s parents’ information anyway, but I digress…
I was in charge of my kids when they were living at home and it didn’t matter that the phone came from someone else, she was still my underaged child and if I said to put the phone away at the dinner table and she didn’t, I’d have no trouble taking it away. I had people tell me they couldn’t take a phone away or limit time on the computer because their children’s fathers had provided the laptops or phones. Too bad. My house, my rules. My friend’s stepson would constantly get his way by saying “I’m going to go live with my mother.” My response would have been “Let me help you pack!” (and now he’s a 32 year old brat who lives with his mother after friend and father paid $100k for an education; should have let him go live with his mother at age 10). How would I have known if my kids were on bad websites or had guests in their rooms? Well, at the mansion we lived in I’d walk the 5 steps down the hall and check. I could check the history on their computers if I wanted to. I could ASK them, and they wouldn’t lie (they are horrible liars, and I mean bad at it). I never needed to do that because I set the rules and they followed them, because there really weren’t that many rules. If either of my kids blocked me from their phones there would be still be consequences even though they are now 18+. Do they want their tuition paid, a ride home from school, help with some form? Don’t block me. I’m not going to bargain over the number of phone calls per week or how many haircuts they get with my money, or suddenly be available to pick them up when they feel like coming home and unblock me to text for a pick up. I don’t jump on demand. Sure there are different rules now that they are at college, they can have guests in their rooms at school (although one lives in a sorority, so no boys, too bad for her!), but not in their rooms at my house.
I also hardly ever call them, they call me because it is more convenient for them. However, if I need them, I’ll text. And it better not be blocked.
If I were the OP and there was such a drastic change in how my child treated me, I’d be down at his dorm in those 2 hours. It would be worse than the Weasley children getting a Howler at Hogwarts. But my kids KNOW this. It would not be a surprise because either child would expect me on her doorstep demanding to know what the story was, why she’d blocked me. She might also expect to be coming home in the car with me if the reason for the behavior change wasn’t reasonable. A bad attitude would need to be changed immediately.
I don’t think for a minute that OP’s son doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s testing her. He’s seeing how far he can go. My kids already know my limits -no tattoos, no cigarettes, and a whole lot of respect shown to me, with a few thank yous thrown in. Most other things are negotiable, but you have to have communication to negotiate.
Honestly, I would never think to “remind” my children to not watch porn or not have sex any more than I would have have to “remind” them to not do drugs or cheat on tests. Some students choose not to stay in line with parental expectations such as charging unexplained, outlandish amounts to their parents credit card and blocking their parents from their cell phone, as in the OP’s situation.
You are right that parents may never know what is going on, but students need to understand there is always a risk that their parents may find out what they are doing or not doing. Parents have every right to set expectations and cut financial ties if the student does not live up their expectations. If that’s a gamble the student is willing to take then that’s up to them.
My kids know that I chose to be financially independent of my own parents when I was 18 because I wanted to do things my way and they know they have the same choice. They also know that I will love them which ever path they choose.
I didn’t say my kids never lied. I said they were really BAD at it. For the most part I trusted them and didn’t check up on them if they told me something, but I knew when they weren’t telling the truth. One time (ONE) in high school my younger daughter started arguing with me about skipping school, started stomping and throwing a fit about it. Sent her to bed. Then she started texting me the next morning (I was at work) and carrying on. I texted back that she needed to take the school bus home and wait for me. She knew she’d gone too far, and started back peddling. Too late.
I know they don’t smoke. It really doesn’t even occur to them to smoke, and the price of a pack of cigarettes would have them bolting from the store. They are cheap too. Did they/do they not tell me about things? Sure, but they try to stay within what they know are my limits. I was pretty wild in high school. I pretty much do know what’s going on.
If they get tattoos, I will find out (bad liars, remember). Like 3scoutsmom said, if they want to take the gamble, that’s up to them, but I’ve told them my position on it. If you ask my older daughter what would happen if she gets a tattoo, she’ll say “That’s the day I become financially independent.” And she’s right! No surprise. She’s not all that afraid of me cutting her off but of Walt Disney. She desperately wants to work at Disney, and tattoos aren’t allowed (or would limit her available jobs). My other daughter could get one, and she could actually easily be financially independent since she’s on a full scholarship so it’s not such a big penalty for her, but she doesn’t want to be independent. Big talker on doing things herself, but really doesn’t want to. For the most part they are good kids and don’t want to push the limits, but if they want to go it alone, they can.
I know my kids. If either acted as OP’s son is, I’d be concerned because it would be so unlike them and I would think drugs or depression or a cry for help. OP says that’s why she’s worried too, because it is so unlike the child she sent to school. My kids know it would be unlike me to just agree to the phone blocking or only texting once a week or not going for parents’ weekend if I wanted to. OP’s son is, I think, testing the limits. My kids don’t have to because they know my limits. If one said “I really don’t want you to come because I’d rather to go a concert with my friends” I’d be okay with it. If they said ‘I never want you to come’, I’d not be so okay with it.
just fyi @jym626 I tried to start another thread as requested but it was deleted because @jan890 wast outed as a “word that should not be mentioned” and since she could not respond, the new thread was deleted.
Skimmed through this thread so perhaps this has been suggested. Poker/gambling could be another explanation for so much money being spent so quickly. Don’t ask me how I know this. In October of my son’s freshman year, he suddenly wasn’t answering my phone calls. I tried emails. I texted. No response. After 2 weeks of this I drove 3 hours to his school on a Friday morning. Called his phone. No answer. Repeated this until he finally answered. I didn’t tell him I was in the lobby. We chatted briefly and I asked if he was going to lunch before his 1:00 class. When he said yes my response was " Good, I’ll join you. I’m in the lobby." Total silence on his part.
We had a very productive lunch conversation in which I pointed out that since I was not working, I would be able to visit him every Friday if he did not have the courtesy of keeping in touch at least weekly. Problem solved.
I just skimmed too…but sounds to me like the son is most definitely an athlete, and with the schedule described, most likely a spring team sport (otherwise the parents would be attending contests already for fall); possibly lacrosse, baseball or volleyball with the type of year round commitment described. Don’t worry OP, there are many thousands of college athletes out there; nobody can figure out who you are.
I note these sports because I do have some experience with them at the college level. And if it’s D1 (you mentioned a public school?) there is no way in h-e-double hockey sticks I would advise such an athlete to take on a job. Period. That’s a sure path to academic and athletic failure, not to mention physical breakdown. These kids have trouble getting enough sleep as it is.
Also, these athletes are randomly and routinely drug tested, so I agree with OP that drugs are highly unlikely; he would be outed. Alcohol, of course, doesn’t show up and is pretty common. Clearly the son is funding the team.
Grades are a concern because of the time constraints on athletes, coupled with too much partying in this case. The coach may not do grade checks until it’s too late. If you contact the coach, you will be telling the coach your son is not man enough to handle things himself; I would not do this.
You can’t turn off the phone; teams/coaches use texting trees to communicate.
I would tell son:
We got off to a bad start. We didn't acknowledge your desire for some independence and you, in turn, caused us concern with excessive alcohol expenditures and no communication. Let's start over. We were not clear; we will be now.
You will contact us once a week on (set some time) for a five minute phone call. The call will not last more than five minutes; we know you are busy.
You may only spend $(whatever) a week.
For this first semester, we will have the password to your grades. If all goes well, you can change the password next semester.
If none of this is acceptable to you, we will contact Coach X for some answers. None of us want that to happen, nobody wants you to look like a baby, but we will not see our investment in this school evaporate.
If I read this all wrong and he’s not an athlete, all the above still holds except the drug testing…don’t think any other activities do that…
Unless you believe he is in danger, I’m not sure I would visit on parent weekend. Things need to calm down between you all. Get the rules in place, fall into a routine, and then establish a visit some other weekend.
^He should be able to get a summer job. One of my kids goes to a very academically challenging school and has found that for her, she can’t keep up with the academics if she works during the school year. That does not stop her from working in the summer and saving money to cover her spending money and books during the year. He could take responsibility for his own spending money in sophomore year.
